The first thing I did, of coarse was go for my gun. I had reached a new level of not wanting to live. I'd indenitified my problem... I was out of control and it was only now that I'd begun to care. I shot off a whole round in my head and of coarse, of coarse, nothing. I just sat there on the floor shaking for a long time. The sun came up and I still sat there. The door bell rang and I still sat there, unable to move.

Ding dong.

Knock.

Creeeeak.

"Johnny?"

Silence.

"Fuck you, you never go anywhere, come down here!"

Silence.

Step step step step step step thud.

"Johnny?! I mean it get your skinny ass our here."

Step step step step creeeeak.

"What's wrong with you?"

I didn't answer her, I just kept my head down. Blood gushing everywhere from my past attempts at mutilation, I couldn't even bare to look at her, my dream flashing through my head. I wanted to kiss her and I wanted her to get away from me. I wanted a break, I needed a hiatus from my constant tormet, or else...

"Johnny, what the fuck is this? What are you doing? What happened?"

Something like 'go away' eminated from my throat and she kneeled down to me.

"Fuck. You." She shook me. I curled up tighter, my head down, eyes shut, trying to ignore her.

"Get away, Devi, get away. I'm gone, I was going and now I'm gone. I've lost it. There's something painfully missing in my head and I'm snapped. I'm gone. I tried but I'm gone and I can't stop it anymore. I'm lonely and I'm sick and I'm cold, Devi, I'm so fucking cold," I blurted out. One second I wasn't talking, the next I was spilling my guts like Sara Johnsen or whatever her name had been.

She sat me up.

I shook my head. "Gone, Devi, it's gone, it's gone."

She took my chin in her hand and gently slapped my cheek. I opened my eyes, which must have been kind of horrific for her because they were bloodshot and sat over dark circles. She took me by the shoulders and stood me up but I couldn't stay standing, I just curled back up. It was like my last bit of support was gone.

Still not any calmer, I looked directly into her eyes and blurted out: "Have you ever been so alone that you're not even close to yourself anymore? Have you, Devi? Have you ever?"

She shook her head slowly. "What did they do to you?"

I didn't answer her.

It was like a train had hit me, square in the face. I was guilty of 1000 odd murders. I collapsed right there, on the floor, face down and cared no more about it.

--

I awoke hours later. It was dark again. I was alone again too. Dark and alone followed eachother like lost dogs. I hated it. What a cycle, what a thing to live for. What a thing. I was cold all over again.

I got to my feet. I wasn't stable. So I went to the other least stable person in the tricounty area.... Squee.

Squee was asleep when I got there. His window was unlocked, though. Good boy. I climbed inside and perched myself on the end of his bed. He was very very peaceful, a beautiful contrast to the last few days of my life. I watched him sleep for a while until it was as good as sleeping myself.

When the daylight broke, I went for a walk in the miserable cloudy light of 5:00 in the morning. I went for a walk, to Devi's house. I knocked on the door and she opened it to me, more hastily than before.

"Johnny, how are you? What are you doing here?"

"May I come in, Devi D?" I asked politely. And she let me.

I sat on her sofa, quietly. She sat opposite me on an armchair and waited for me to say something. I just kind of stared at her with big eyes, not sure what I wanted to say. I was just glad to be around something alive.

"I, uh," I coughed to clear my throat, "something really bad happened to me. I woke up yesterday morning, or maybe it was this morning... the days are beyond running together, I woke up and the worst thing in the whole fucking world happened to me, Devi D. I woke up and I was normal. I was a normal human being in a house full of torment that I caused. I woke up in a puddle of blood and bodies and... I think that if I was normal, it could very possibly have driven me back out of my mind... I think I've lost my mind all over again. Devi, I can't handle it anymore, and I can't even kill myself. There is nothing for me to do... there is nowhere for me to go..."

I said this all without the slightest hint of emotion. I had nothing left to show for all my... torment... I was done.

I looked up at her to see her enthralled with my hand gestures and facial expressions. "Normal?" she asked?

"Yeah... normal," I replied, unable to look at her.

She came across the room and felt my forehead. "Cold. Ice cold." She touched my arms and came to the same conclusion, so she pulled my shirt up and felt my stomach. Yep, cold all over. Suprise.

"Why now? What happened?"

"Well Devi D, it came to me in a vision," I chuckled. "Okay, I had a dream that I had something to loose and I lost it... and then I realized that I still didn't care about how many lives I took, and then I broke myself down to normal. Unfortunately, being where I was, I lost it immediately... I don't know what to do with myself... I'm so fucking miserable."

"What about your urge to kill? Gone? Present? What are we looking at, Johnny C, help me out here."

"I don't know... How would I know..." I put my head in my hands. "I hate guilt. It's worse than any kind of rage, any kind of lonliness I've ever felt."

"Guilt?"

"Yeah."

"Did you kill Justin?"

"No I did not. I swear."

She looked me in the eye and said "I believe you, fucker." I smiled.

"Fuck you," I grinned back at her.

"Have you slept lately?"

"Yeah... I have."

"Wow. Props to you. Have you eaten lately?"

"Not really."

"Perhaps you should. You're still human."

"I should be so lucky."