I had my guard up again. I wasn't going to let Justin get any sign of emotion from me. He had already got too much from me. Besides - he was no longer a part of my life. He no longer loved me. He loved his Ethan now.
This time, it was just sex. Just sex. Sex was all I had ever wanted from him, right? So here it was. He was offering it to me, willingly. And I didn't need to do anything romantic, because his beloved violinist took care of that. It was just sex with Justin now - no strings attached whatsoever.
So I had seen him at Babylon. It had been like any other night. He had carefully avoided me all night, but I had known all the time where he had been and what he had been doing, for I had wanted to know whether he had been there to dance or to fuck. I had finally come to the conclusion he had been there to dance and, conveniently, I had started to dance too. It hadn't taken long until we had been dancing pretty much together. The next thing I knew - I was holding him in my arms in... *my* bed. After another round of rough sex he had got nervous, muttered something about having to go and disappeared. I thought it had been a one-night-only kind of exclusive thing and was very surprised to see him at Woody's a bit more than a week later. We ended up fucking, again.
Now we were doing it pretty much regularly. He'd show up two or three times a week, I'd take him home and we'd fuck. Then he'd rest in my arms for a while and go. The Boy Wonder was back in my life, only this time we didn't have rules or any crap like that. I was free to trick all I wanted.
So it was weird that I had stopped tricking almost completely.
Of course I'd fuck someone in the backroom, or let someone blow me, but I never took guys home. For Christ's sake, when had I become of full-time lover of Justin? Fuck! I was starting to sound like a straight guy - or worse yet, a straight teenage *girl*. Fuck.
I knew I could've broken up with him any time; he wasn't any fucking drug I was addicted to. He wasn't, damn it! *I* was like a drug to him - why else would he have risked everything he had with Ethan to be with me?
Because he wanted to get laid and knew what I could do?
Jesus! This was weird enough without me thinking about some straight bullshit. The entire situation was so ironic, so *perverted*! First, there's me - I'm with Justin, or, well, something like that. Ethan comes in and gets to do the lover part. Then Justin goes to him and suddenly I'm the lover here.
When the *fuck* did I change from the love of his life to his dirtiest secret?
Was this what it had been like before? Ethan wondering if Justin would ever spend the night? Fuck, I wondered if Justin showered before he crawled into bed with Ethan. He never did, spend the night that is. Every night he got up and left, saying nothing more. Occasionally he whispered me a 'good night' but that was it. The minute we kissed for the first time each night I knew all the talking had already been done.
Usually he showed up pretty early. That was because we needed to start early to finish early. He had a boyfriend to go to and was clearly trying to keep him from noticing he had been gone. Tonight, however, he had showed up a little bit later than he usually did. I had already stopped waiting for him, thinking he wasn't coming, and was checking out a young, cute guy, trying to figure out if he was capable of a decent blowjob. Then he got there. He didn't seem as nervous as usually. The minute I saw him I forgot about the guy I had been watching and went straight to him, trying to keep the boys from seeing him.
We made it to the loft in no time.
With Justin, I always knew when to take it slow and when to make it rough. Tonight he looked like he needed to be... I mean, needed it slow. He seemed tired. I did my best to get him to relax.
Afterwards he wrapped an arm around me. Somehow I had got used to him doing that after we had fucked. I knew he wouldn't stay. I quietly kissed his forehead and drew lazy circles on his back. Then he surprised me by falling asleep.
"Justin... Justin, wake up," I said, "Are you sure you want to fall asleep here?"
He seemed to wake up and lifted his head to look at me. He was really sleepy and apparently his first thought was that I was pissed, because he said, "Sorry... I'll go. I just thought... fuck. I'll just go."
He started to get up, but I grabbed his arm.
"You thought what?"
He seemed to hesitate. Then he said, "Well, Ethan's out of town and I was kind of hoping I could..."
"Spend the night?"
To me I sounded surprised, but apparently he understood it differently.
"Yeah, I was stupid, if you let go of my arm I'll just go," he said, not looking at me.
"No, stay if you like. I'm not expecting anyone... c'mon, it's Friday night, I don't even have to go to work in the morning."
Where the fuck had that come from? I decided I'd shut up before I started crying or something even worse. But, when he asked, "You really want me to stay?" I answered without any hesitation at all, "Yes." I wanted to kill myself. So much for good decisions. I made myself add, "If you leave now you'll just get robbed or killed before you make it to your place - and I won't take responsibility of *that*." I hoped I sounded like I was joking, at least a bit.
Justin didn't see it like I was joking. He looked like he didn't know anything anymore. "No, if you don't want me here, I can just go."
Before I had time to react, he had freed himself from my grip and was putting on his shirt. I said, "No, Justin, please stay, for Christ's sake Iloveyou." Fuck! I didn't just say that, did I? It wasn't even true goddamn it! Great, Kinney, lie to the boy about something like that. I couldn't fucking believe myself, believe I had just said that!
Neither could he. He stopped and turned his head to look at me. "What did you say?"
I panicked. "I just asked you to stay," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Oh... I thought I heard you say... never mind."
He was still standing but had stopped dressing. I bit the inside of my cheek. What the fuck was wrong with me? I told myself to stop thinking about that, if I didn't do something quickly Justin would leave. Getting Justin to stay was more important than my mental health at the moment.
I grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. I was sitting on the bed, he was standing next to it. I took off his shirt with gentle movements. He didn't try to stop me. I pulled him closer and kissed him. "You have no one to go to," I said in my most gentle voice, "So you might as well stay." I kissed him again, longer this time, and between kisses I whispered, "Stay."
It wasn't until we had had sex again that I was able to think. He had fallen asleep in my arms. I listened to him breathe. What was happening to me? Okay. I had wanted him to stay so desperately that I had been ready to say anything?
Don't give yourself bullshit, Kinney. You... You fucking love him. Justin Taylor. I let my eyes close. It hurt, the thought that I loved him. I loved him, Justin Taylor. That goddamn kid who had fucked up my life.
I bit my tongue. No one would ever know that. No one would ever know that Brian Kinney had actually fallen in love. Fuck, what a pathetic thing to do. What a *straight* or a *lesbian* thing to do! Love hurts - true. But it's very mildly said. Love gives you the pain nothing else can; it turns you inside out and makes you sick. It takes away the person you are and replaces you with a robot that can't think, eat or sleep. That's what love does to you. It gives you a small amount of pleasure and a hell of a lot of shit.
For fuck's sake! I didn't even *believe* in love! There was no such fucking thing as love! It was just some straight shit, a myth that controlled every fucking straight person's world. Love. No. So how was it possible I was in love? No, I wasn't 'in love'; I just 'loved him.'
If I told Justin I loved him, would he come back to me? Was that what I wanted? Fuck, talking about wanting, I would never be able to give *him* what he wanted. For Christ's sake, he was better off with Ethan. He was happy with him, right? I'd never hurt Justin consciously like that, take him away from the person he loved and was happy with. Ethan. It was Justin's choice. This was what he really wanted from me and what I knew I was able to give him: sex. Just sex. This was our balance, no strings attached. This was up to Justin to decide, and he had chosen Ethan.
He didn't want me anymore.
I wondered if he showered before he crawled into bed with him.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's notes: Dedicated to Sivan, who insisted I write this. Love you girl. :)
This time, it was just sex. Just sex. Sex was all I had ever wanted from him, right? So here it was. He was offering it to me, willingly. And I didn't need to do anything romantic, because his beloved violinist took care of that. It was just sex with Justin now - no strings attached whatsoever.
So I had seen him at Babylon. It had been like any other night. He had carefully avoided me all night, but I had known all the time where he had been and what he had been doing, for I had wanted to know whether he had been there to dance or to fuck. I had finally come to the conclusion he had been there to dance and, conveniently, I had started to dance too. It hadn't taken long until we had been dancing pretty much together. The next thing I knew - I was holding him in my arms in... *my* bed. After another round of rough sex he had got nervous, muttered something about having to go and disappeared. I thought it had been a one-night-only kind of exclusive thing and was very surprised to see him at Woody's a bit more than a week later. We ended up fucking, again.
Now we were doing it pretty much regularly. He'd show up two or three times a week, I'd take him home and we'd fuck. Then he'd rest in my arms for a while and go. The Boy Wonder was back in my life, only this time we didn't have rules or any crap like that. I was free to trick all I wanted.
So it was weird that I had stopped tricking almost completely.
Of course I'd fuck someone in the backroom, or let someone blow me, but I never took guys home. For Christ's sake, when had I become of full-time lover of Justin? Fuck! I was starting to sound like a straight guy - or worse yet, a straight teenage *girl*. Fuck.
I knew I could've broken up with him any time; he wasn't any fucking drug I was addicted to. He wasn't, damn it! *I* was like a drug to him - why else would he have risked everything he had with Ethan to be with me?
Because he wanted to get laid and knew what I could do?
Jesus! This was weird enough without me thinking about some straight bullshit. The entire situation was so ironic, so *perverted*! First, there's me - I'm with Justin, or, well, something like that. Ethan comes in and gets to do the lover part. Then Justin goes to him and suddenly I'm the lover here.
When the *fuck* did I change from the love of his life to his dirtiest secret?
Was this what it had been like before? Ethan wondering if Justin would ever spend the night? Fuck, I wondered if Justin showered before he crawled into bed with Ethan. He never did, spend the night that is. Every night he got up and left, saying nothing more. Occasionally he whispered me a 'good night' but that was it. The minute we kissed for the first time each night I knew all the talking had already been done.
Usually he showed up pretty early. That was because we needed to start early to finish early. He had a boyfriend to go to and was clearly trying to keep him from noticing he had been gone. Tonight, however, he had showed up a little bit later than he usually did. I had already stopped waiting for him, thinking he wasn't coming, and was checking out a young, cute guy, trying to figure out if he was capable of a decent blowjob. Then he got there. He didn't seem as nervous as usually. The minute I saw him I forgot about the guy I had been watching and went straight to him, trying to keep the boys from seeing him.
We made it to the loft in no time.
With Justin, I always knew when to take it slow and when to make it rough. Tonight he looked like he needed to be... I mean, needed it slow. He seemed tired. I did my best to get him to relax.
Afterwards he wrapped an arm around me. Somehow I had got used to him doing that after we had fucked. I knew he wouldn't stay. I quietly kissed his forehead and drew lazy circles on his back. Then he surprised me by falling asleep.
"Justin... Justin, wake up," I said, "Are you sure you want to fall asleep here?"
He seemed to wake up and lifted his head to look at me. He was really sleepy and apparently his first thought was that I was pissed, because he said, "Sorry... I'll go. I just thought... fuck. I'll just go."
He started to get up, but I grabbed his arm.
"You thought what?"
He seemed to hesitate. Then he said, "Well, Ethan's out of town and I was kind of hoping I could..."
"Spend the night?"
To me I sounded surprised, but apparently he understood it differently.
"Yeah, I was stupid, if you let go of my arm I'll just go," he said, not looking at me.
"No, stay if you like. I'm not expecting anyone... c'mon, it's Friday night, I don't even have to go to work in the morning."
Where the fuck had that come from? I decided I'd shut up before I started crying or something even worse. But, when he asked, "You really want me to stay?" I answered without any hesitation at all, "Yes." I wanted to kill myself. So much for good decisions. I made myself add, "If you leave now you'll just get robbed or killed before you make it to your place - and I won't take responsibility of *that*." I hoped I sounded like I was joking, at least a bit.
Justin didn't see it like I was joking. He looked like he didn't know anything anymore. "No, if you don't want me here, I can just go."
Before I had time to react, he had freed himself from my grip and was putting on his shirt. I said, "No, Justin, please stay, for Christ's sake Iloveyou." Fuck! I didn't just say that, did I? It wasn't even true goddamn it! Great, Kinney, lie to the boy about something like that. I couldn't fucking believe myself, believe I had just said that!
Neither could he. He stopped and turned his head to look at me. "What did you say?"
I panicked. "I just asked you to stay," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Oh... I thought I heard you say... never mind."
He was still standing but had stopped dressing. I bit the inside of my cheek. What the fuck was wrong with me? I told myself to stop thinking about that, if I didn't do something quickly Justin would leave. Getting Justin to stay was more important than my mental health at the moment.
I grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. I was sitting on the bed, he was standing next to it. I took off his shirt with gentle movements. He didn't try to stop me. I pulled him closer and kissed him. "You have no one to go to," I said in my most gentle voice, "So you might as well stay." I kissed him again, longer this time, and between kisses I whispered, "Stay."
It wasn't until we had had sex again that I was able to think. He had fallen asleep in my arms. I listened to him breathe. What was happening to me? Okay. I had wanted him to stay so desperately that I had been ready to say anything?
Don't give yourself bullshit, Kinney. You... You fucking love him. Justin Taylor. I let my eyes close. It hurt, the thought that I loved him. I loved him, Justin Taylor. That goddamn kid who had fucked up my life.
I bit my tongue. No one would ever know that. No one would ever know that Brian Kinney had actually fallen in love. Fuck, what a pathetic thing to do. What a *straight* or a *lesbian* thing to do! Love hurts - true. But it's very mildly said. Love gives you the pain nothing else can; it turns you inside out and makes you sick. It takes away the person you are and replaces you with a robot that can't think, eat or sleep. That's what love does to you. It gives you a small amount of pleasure and a hell of a lot of shit.
For fuck's sake! I didn't even *believe* in love! There was no such fucking thing as love! It was just some straight shit, a myth that controlled every fucking straight person's world. Love. No. So how was it possible I was in love? No, I wasn't 'in love'; I just 'loved him.'
If I told Justin I loved him, would he come back to me? Was that what I wanted? Fuck, talking about wanting, I would never be able to give *him* what he wanted. For Christ's sake, he was better off with Ethan. He was happy with him, right? I'd never hurt Justin consciously like that, take him away from the person he loved and was happy with. Ethan. It was Justin's choice. This was what he really wanted from me and what I knew I was able to give him: sex. Just sex. This was our balance, no strings attached. This was up to Justin to decide, and he had chosen Ethan.
He didn't want me anymore.
I wondered if he showered before he crawled into bed with him.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's notes: Dedicated to Sivan, who insisted I write this. Love you girl. :)