Plan A: I tell him I love him. He stays. Plan B: I fuck him until he forgets his name and *then* I ask him if he really wants to stay with this Ethan. Was it even Ethan? Fuck it. Anyway, if he says yes, I'll fuck him again until he changes his mind, even if that means I'll have to fuck him for a year.
We were in the car, driving to my loft. He was so fucking tense. Didn't look at me, didn't smile, didn't even talk much. Didn't laugh when I tried to joke. Well, fuck him. Which was exactly what I was planning on doing.
Once we got to the loft I entered casually, expecting him to do the same. Instead he stayed by the door, looking around as if it was his first time there.
"Are you going to stand there all night?" I finally asked, nonchalantly.
Only then did he step inside.
"Brian, I..." He sighed and looked away. "I can't see you anymore. Sorry."
I had seen this coming, so I had been prepared. Though I hadn't expected his words to make me want to puke.
"Sorry? Are you sorry about it? Let me guess. it was your beloved violinist who told you to choose."
And you chose him.
"Something like that," he said, looking at me strangely. Then he glanced away and added, "And I *am* sorry."
"Well, don't be. You do what you choose to. If you want to keep seeing me... It's up to you. It's your choice," I said with confidence and arrogance I didn't feel.
"My choice?" he asked and raised his voice, obviously not realizing it. "I'm just a whore to you, Brian! And I don't want to live with that."
I raised an eyebrow, challenging him to continue.
"Really?"
"Yes! I... I thought... Fuck! I broke up with Ethan, did you know that?"
"What?"
"I chose *you*."
Jesus fucking Christ! "W... What? You left Ethan for me?"
"Yes!"
"And now you're leaving me too?"
"Well... Yes."
For Christ's sake, "Why?"
He turned away. Then, quietly, he answered, "Because I was stupid. I thought... things were better between us. So... I come to see you. And what do I see? I see you, with a trick."
I swallowed a grimace. The first time in fucking *weeks* I have a trick and he sees it? Shit. Go on, Kinney, tell him, take him. Before I had time to say anything, he continued. I wasn't really disappointed, you know. The minute I left Ethan's apartment I started thinking that you were probably out somewhere, looking for a fuck. And I started to see where I had been wrong."
"Justin..."
"I had been wrong about everything. I wasn't the only one you fucked, now was I? I wasn't enough."
He kept his eyes on the floor, even though I doubted he saw anything. My mind was whirling like crazy and I just couldn't think. It would've been an ideal moment to tell him, but I let it slip away.
"It's better this way. I'll ask Debbie if she'll let me stay with her again. I won't bother you again," he said coolly, almost coldly.
I lost it. Suddenly I just realized I was yelling, "What the fuck is it that you want?! Faithfulness? No tricking? Is that it? You want me to be your well-trained little boyfriend with a ride to school and a goodbye kiss? Paying for your living, your clothes, your school?"
I wanted him to tell me no. I wanted him to tell me I was all he wanted, all he needed. I wanted him to make the pain go away.
"I don't know what the fuck I want, Brian! I used to think I wanted *you*! But no, I do *not* want some fucking sugar daddy to take care of me!" he spat.
He turned around and headed for the loft door. I took two giant steps forward and grabbed his arm.
"Where do you think you're going?" I asked, staring at him with anger.
"Where'd you think? How the fuck should *I* know! To Debbie's?" he responded, trying to wriggle free.
"You're not. You're staying. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to fuck you now."
He stopped struggling. "What if I don't want you to? Are you going to *rape* me then?" he asked, challenging me.
"Oh yeah, you came all the way here just to tell me it was *over* between us, without any intentions of getting laid, is that right?"
And then I kissed him. I kissed him so roughly that he started to moan, and I doubted it had anything to do with pleasure. Only then did I loosen my grip. I asked him, "Are you sure you mind me fucking you?"
And he didn't. This time, he kissed me.
~~~
"Brian Kinney doesn't do love." Fuck that. "Brian Kinney has the balls to do anything." Fuck that, too.
Justin was sleeping peacefully in my arms, breathing evenly, his body pressed against mine. I felt so fucking safe. And yet I felt like shit. I'd made him break up with his lover. He'd come back to me only to find me with a trick. Fuck! So I had fucked it up. I could've had him.
So I had given up on my let-him-be-with-Ethan-he'll-be-happier-that-way shit. Call me selfish, I don't give a fuck! All I wanted was to have Justin back in my fucking life. however, I was *not* going to start playing some ideal boyfriend with roses and yada yada. All I had to offer was me. And my love. See? No trouble admitting it. Okay, so no trouble admitting it to myself. Brian Kinney gets what he wants.
What if it wasn't enough, though? What if wanting him back wasn't enough? The three words I had to give him, the three fucking words I still couldn't say to him, what if they weren't enough? And I'd probably never even know, goddamn it! I couldn't tell him. I didn't have the balls to tell him I loved him. And what if he wanted something more? What if he *was* after the "ideal boyfriend"?
Kinney, keep yourself together. If he really needed that "ideal boyfriend," he wouldn't have broken up with Ethan in the first place, now would he?
Justin, tell me, what do I have to do to keep you?
I didn't have a plan whatsoever. Fuck. I needed a drink. Fast.
If he'd only stay, I thought, at least for a couple of days. Just a couple of fucking days! That was all I asked for - for right now, at least. I got out of bed, trying not to wake the boy. I went to the kitchen. Only a fucking prick needed to get himself a drink at this time of night! Hell, I couldn't sleep anyway. So I might as well work. Shit. Work, Justin, work, Justin. My fucking life in a fucking nutshell. Only... now it was about to become work, work, work, work.
I fell asleep at about four thirty am. In the morning, I woke up only to find Justin sitting on the bed, not looking at me. I tried to touch him, but he turned away.
"Brian..."
Now what? "Yeah?" I said, hoping it sounded encouraging.
"Would you... Would you let me stay, just for a day or two, so that I can make some kind of a deal with Deb?" He didn't look at me. Hesitatingly, he added, "I mean, I don't expect anything from you, but I *really* don't have anywhere to go."
I could've said, 'Sure, stay as long as you like." I could've said, 'I love you, please don't ever leave me again.' Instead, I said, "Whatever, stay if you must."
And then I wanted to kick myself. Hard. But at least now I had a chance to make it all better. To make the pain go away.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's notes: Thanks to Cael for the beta, you did a great job. And PLEASE feed me. Sivan, I'll never forget you.
We were in the car, driving to my loft. He was so fucking tense. Didn't look at me, didn't smile, didn't even talk much. Didn't laugh when I tried to joke. Well, fuck him. Which was exactly what I was planning on doing.
Once we got to the loft I entered casually, expecting him to do the same. Instead he stayed by the door, looking around as if it was his first time there.
"Are you going to stand there all night?" I finally asked, nonchalantly.
Only then did he step inside.
"Brian, I..." He sighed and looked away. "I can't see you anymore. Sorry."
I had seen this coming, so I had been prepared. Though I hadn't expected his words to make me want to puke.
"Sorry? Are you sorry about it? Let me guess. it was your beloved violinist who told you to choose."
And you chose him.
"Something like that," he said, looking at me strangely. Then he glanced away and added, "And I *am* sorry."
"Well, don't be. You do what you choose to. If you want to keep seeing me... It's up to you. It's your choice," I said with confidence and arrogance I didn't feel.
"My choice?" he asked and raised his voice, obviously not realizing it. "I'm just a whore to you, Brian! And I don't want to live with that."
I raised an eyebrow, challenging him to continue.
"Really?"
"Yes! I... I thought... Fuck! I broke up with Ethan, did you know that?"
"What?"
"I chose *you*."
Jesus fucking Christ! "W... What? You left Ethan for me?"
"Yes!"
"And now you're leaving me too?"
"Well... Yes."
For Christ's sake, "Why?"
He turned away. Then, quietly, he answered, "Because I was stupid. I thought... things were better between us. So... I come to see you. And what do I see? I see you, with a trick."
I swallowed a grimace. The first time in fucking *weeks* I have a trick and he sees it? Shit. Go on, Kinney, tell him, take him. Before I had time to say anything, he continued. I wasn't really disappointed, you know. The minute I left Ethan's apartment I started thinking that you were probably out somewhere, looking for a fuck. And I started to see where I had been wrong."
"Justin..."
"I had been wrong about everything. I wasn't the only one you fucked, now was I? I wasn't enough."
He kept his eyes on the floor, even though I doubted he saw anything. My mind was whirling like crazy and I just couldn't think. It would've been an ideal moment to tell him, but I let it slip away.
"It's better this way. I'll ask Debbie if she'll let me stay with her again. I won't bother you again," he said coolly, almost coldly.
I lost it. Suddenly I just realized I was yelling, "What the fuck is it that you want?! Faithfulness? No tricking? Is that it? You want me to be your well-trained little boyfriend with a ride to school and a goodbye kiss? Paying for your living, your clothes, your school?"
I wanted him to tell me no. I wanted him to tell me I was all he wanted, all he needed. I wanted him to make the pain go away.
"I don't know what the fuck I want, Brian! I used to think I wanted *you*! But no, I do *not* want some fucking sugar daddy to take care of me!" he spat.
He turned around and headed for the loft door. I took two giant steps forward and grabbed his arm.
"Where do you think you're going?" I asked, staring at him with anger.
"Where'd you think? How the fuck should *I* know! To Debbie's?" he responded, trying to wriggle free.
"You're not. You're staying. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to fuck you now."
He stopped struggling. "What if I don't want you to? Are you going to *rape* me then?" he asked, challenging me.
"Oh yeah, you came all the way here just to tell me it was *over* between us, without any intentions of getting laid, is that right?"
And then I kissed him. I kissed him so roughly that he started to moan, and I doubted it had anything to do with pleasure. Only then did I loosen my grip. I asked him, "Are you sure you mind me fucking you?"
And he didn't. This time, he kissed me.
~~~
"Brian Kinney doesn't do love." Fuck that. "Brian Kinney has the balls to do anything." Fuck that, too.
Justin was sleeping peacefully in my arms, breathing evenly, his body pressed against mine. I felt so fucking safe. And yet I felt like shit. I'd made him break up with his lover. He'd come back to me only to find me with a trick. Fuck! So I had fucked it up. I could've had him.
So I had given up on my let-him-be-with-Ethan-he'll-be-happier-that-way shit. Call me selfish, I don't give a fuck! All I wanted was to have Justin back in my fucking life. however, I was *not* going to start playing some ideal boyfriend with roses and yada yada. All I had to offer was me. And my love. See? No trouble admitting it. Okay, so no trouble admitting it to myself. Brian Kinney gets what he wants.
What if it wasn't enough, though? What if wanting him back wasn't enough? The three words I had to give him, the three fucking words I still couldn't say to him, what if they weren't enough? And I'd probably never even know, goddamn it! I couldn't tell him. I didn't have the balls to tell him I loved him. And what if he wanted something more? What if he *was* after the "ideal boyfriend"?
Kinney, keep yourself together. If he really needed that "ideal boyfriend," he wouldn't have broken up with Ethan in the first place, now would he?
Justin, tell me, what do I have to do to keep you?
I didn't have a plan whatsoever. Fuck. I needed a drink. Fast.
If he'd only stay, I thought, at least for a couple of days. Just a couple of fucking days! That was all I asked for - for right now, at least. I got out of bed, trying not to wake the boy. I went to the kitchen. Only a fucking prick needed to get himself a drink at this time of night! Hell, I couldn't sleep anyway. So I might as well work. Shit. Work, Justin, work, Justin. My fucking life in a fucking nutshell. Only... now it was about to become work, work, work, work.
I fell asleep at about four thirty am. In the morning, I woke up only to find Justin sitting on the bed, not looking at me. I tried to touch him, but he turned away.
"Brian..."
Now what? "Yeah?" I said, hoping it sounded encouraging.
"Would you... Would you let me stay, just for a day or two, so that I can make some kind of a deal with Deb?" He didn't look at me. Hesitatingly, he added, "I mean, I don't expect anything from you, but I *really* don't have anywhere to go."
I could've said, 'Sure, stay as long as you like." I could've said, 'I love you, please don't ever leave me again.' Instead, I said, "Whatever, stay if you must."
And then I wanted to kick myself. Hard. But at least now I had a chance to make it all better. To make the pain go away.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's notes: Thanks to Cael for the beta, you did a great job. And PLEASE feed me. Sivan, I'll never forget you.