February 3-4, 2002

By Yashira

(Author's Note: Here's a twist, can you see what it is?)

Connection 4

My breath hangs in my throat like an offending sigh as I stand here unable to breathe. The darkness surrounds me, lays suffocating arms over my body as I stagger forward, my gaze rooted to the well with unfaltering eyes. Gone… through the well… Gone…

The link through the fabric of time which connects me to her world, stands out in front of me with a silence that weighs heavy on my throbbing heart. I can't help, but stare, can't help but look down at this construction of wood and dirt… can't help, but wonder how this situation could ever have come to pass. How…how can she be gone? Gone without measure.

Why? Why is this happening to me? It's not fair! It's not right! But… But…

I have to remember that it is my fault.

Gah, I hate taking the blame for something like this. I hate taking the blame for anything, period. It's better for me to swear and curse, to turn around and bodily destroy with my razor sharp claws then to say those simple words, "It's my fault, please forgive me."

Because…

It opens up a part of me I do not wish others to see. It is very easy to have your life gutted and wrenched to pieces; to have it judged by the very world that births you so that all you feel is the mere worthlessness that is yourself. I've been sneered, mocked, poked fun, insulted, people took advantage of me, slapped, kicked, and even my own brother tried to killed me and this alone was just a mere fraction of what I went through as a child. And I was so very young when most of this happened… so young.

I learned what hatred and disgust was like. I learned it with their brutal venomous words, sickly sharply swords, and blunted stones as if I were the exact thing, the very problem in their wretched disgraceful life, that they could blame. I became the burden... the very scapegoat they needed because I was different. Easily marked, clearly betrayed by my heritage… a monster... a youkai... a hanyou.

I've been betrayed and ridiculed so often within the confines of this wretched life that it's purely instinct which shuts me off from them except… with Kagome, it had been difficult.

I could be myself with her and she would accept it without question. She wasn't afraid of who I was, of what I am, and she, of anyone here, especially regarding her background, had the most to fear from me. They don't have youkai in her distant country, so seeing my demonic form should have been terrifying, but no! She was, at most, curious, inquisitive, and interested… in me.

There were so many times when my heart would just stop at the thought of her turning away from me. So many times I thought she'd find either my blood, my personality, the very essence that is me, offensive and repulsive. I feared it so much that I tried to make it easy for her to despise me, but no this girl reached out to me instead. She reached out to me! And how did I repay her?

With Doubt… with pain... and with words that are meaningless. Because I am so unable to choose her, choose life, choose the one I love because another irreplaceable duty binds me to someone else. The one... I love? Do I love her?

My heart patters hard in my chest and I lean over the well as if I can't stand any more. How much this feeling hurts? When did it come up so suddenly? What measure do I owe my life to Kagome... too? Oh gods, I'm torn… even now I'm torn! I know I should turn away from the well, go back to the others until it is time for Kikyo to take me to hell, but not this time... this time I can't move…

The foreboding depths of the well stare up at me accusingly as if daring me to make some vital choice that my heart is unable to articulate. Why must I choose this path? What goals hold me here? What is my future? I stop and take a deep heavy breath, trying to calm my jumbled thoughts, and failing miserably.

"Do I even have a future?" My words echo softly into the hollow recesses of the well, echoing back accusingly in low rumbles as I stare within with gold eyes pained beyond redemption.

I can't feel anything now. I am like nothingness, an emptiness that is leeched from the heart of the soul to seep into the hard ruthless ground. I feel like parts of me are flowing away into oblivion. Am I dying?

Kikyo…

Kagome…

Both the same and yet so infinitely different.

My fingers trace over my lips, my eyes shadowed by my white hair, as I stare at the cold forbidding night around me. Is this what I am facing? Is this my future…? A space without a voice, a hollowness without a heart, an embrace without her?

Ka…

What is it about her that fills my thoughts so completely that I can not let go. Why, why, why!? She's inside me like a drug, and I can't break the addiction to get rid of her. I can't break it, because I don't want to break it. I can't function anymore; I can't go on... she's… I need her to come back.

Ka...go...

I kissed her and yet with these same hands I shoved her away. How do I manage to do these horrible things? I thought that was what she wanted from me, I was desperate, she was going.. I had to stop her. It was a reaction without thinking, but I would never take it back… If only I could feel her near my side again… what would I give to bring her back to me.

Ka…go...me…

There's has to be something more! It can't end like this! Not like this! But what is this unholy dread that cleaves at my soul? Fear, betrayal, guilt? The more I think about it, the more it seems that that must be so. I knew Kikyo first, my life belongs to her for she is MY Kikyo, so I must do what is right, what is honourable and yet... Kagome… her face fills my thoughts and her body hunts my dreams in endless taunts. Can this be real? Can this fancy thought be any less true? Kagome, who waited for me, Kagome who cried for me, Kagome who I hurt so badly that she had to leave… Kagome…

MY KAGOME!

I stare back at the village, my gaze narrowing in frustration, as I look hungrily into the well again. It's almost as if it's laughing at me, but it is not possessed, yet the very thought grates on my nerves. What must I do, Kagome? What must I do?

Throwing back my head, letting out a fierce cry that splits the air like tremendous thunderclaps, I leap forward with hair flying wildly around my shoulders.

Kagome, I can't choose, but I can't... I can't let it be like this either!

With the blue light that surrounds me, I find myself disappearing into the infinity of this well.

I will not let it end like this.