A/N: Wow... see? I finally finished it! So, what do you think? Review or mail me directly at tuuli1@nic.fi... understood? Good. Now let's see... Big thanks to Cael, my wonderful beta. And I have *no* idea where this came from, I just put it on paper and got on with it. Now I'll have time to go thru some of the Harry Potter ideas in my head... *evil grin* now enjoy and tell the girl how you feel!
~~~
He remembered. I was so damn sure he remembered. Sometimes he looked at me like he was wondering what went on inside my head, and that's when I knew. His eyes, those fucking pretty blue eyes, they gave it all away.
I was so fucking exhausted, trying to hold onto him, not wanting to let him go. I had been dropping hints for what felt like an eternity, trying to make him see. And now, I was sure he did. He knew. He knew I loved him. And he had yet to move to Debbie's, as he had said he eventually would.
I had been a fucking idiot, thinking if I could only make him see I love him, everything would be okay. Well, fuck that. Now there was tension between us. He knew, but I wasn't sure if he knew I knew he knew. And... things were just going to hell. We fought, and we *never* fought. Not like that, anyway. Not so that I didn't fucking know if I was supposed to laugh or cry and I just wanted to kill him - but not before I had first fucked him. Made love to him. No, fucked him. That sounded *much* better.
Okay, want to hear me say it? Fine. What shall I say? Just tell me what to say and I'll repeat it. "Oh, you know I love you, right?" Or how about, "You are my sunshine, please don't ever leave me, I love you!" Pathetic. Just like everything else in this goddamn place. The fucking loft is pathetic - I am pathetic. I could end it all, right now. He'd come home - or well, *here* - and find my goddamn body lying there in the middle of the fucking floor. How about that? How about that indeed...
I could hang myself. I could take all the drugs in the fucking loft, it'd be enough to kill an army. I could shoot myself; only I didn't have a gun. Who'd be there to miss me?
Now Kinney; I thought you were over this. Get a fucking grip. You want him? Fine. Admit it to yourself. You need him. You need him badly.
And then he came home. And I didn't even realize I had thought of my loft as his home. And the minute he kissed me and smiled at me, I felt better. It was amazing, the amount of power he had over me. He controlled my actions, my thoughts, even my goddamn emotions. I hated him for that. I loved him for that.
Justin, I love you. "Justin, I..."
He lifted his gaze and looked me in the eye, looking relaxed and happy, like always. He was always in a good mood. Well, he had been, lately.
"I told Mikey I'd meet him at Babylon... I'll see you later." Fucking. Coward. Kinney.
I left. I got to Babylon, and Mikey *was* there. We hadn't had any plans. But he was there, and I was so glad for that. I guess it was him who took me home when I was so drunk I couldn't tell black from white.
And even if it hadn't been Mikey, at least *someone* had taken me home. I woke up in my own fucking bed the next day, very late, and next to me there was lying a very, *very* happy Justin.
"Oh god... whatthefuckhappened?" I mumbled.
"You were drunk." God how I loved his voice when it was a bit cocky like that. "And... do you remember anything?"
"Yeah, I remember meeting Mikey. After that... it's pretty blurry." I looked at him. There was a sparkle in his eyes. Uh-oh... what have I done now?
"You don't remember yelling at... well, talking to me?"
"No. What did I say? Was it something important?" Apparently, since he was that anxious.
"You told me that... you love me."
Oh. "I told you that?"
"Yeah." There was a long pause. I was thinking furiously about whether I should tell him - whether I *could* tell him - and he was probably thinking about whether or not it had been true. Then he opened his pretty mouth and asked, hesitantly, "Do you?"
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. "Yes. I love you."
That was so fucking easy I don't believe I just said that oh fuck I'm screwed please Justin stop looking at me like that oh for fuck's sake where can I go and hide?
His face lit up and he leaned in to kiss me, but couldn't make it deep and passionate so he made it rough and quick because he was just - so - goddamn - happy.
"I knew it," he said. "I heard you say that once when I was leaving. And... I remember something. I must've been drunk, but I remember you told me so. I don't know when it happened, though..."
There was happiness in those blue eyes. Happiness I had made happen.
"Yeah well... what is it with us and alcohol anyway?" Iloveyousofuckingmuch. "I still don't believe I told you, I can usually keep my mouth shut pretty well, even when I'm drunk," I commented absent-mindedly.
"I know," he said and looked down.
And that's when *I* knew, too. The little shit, he had lied to me. He had fucking lied to me. I hadn't said a word. I *never* said a word when I was drunk. *Never*. He had tricked me. Justin, that goddamn innocent-looking kid, had tricked me into telling him what he already knew. He had... tricked me into making my fucking life a lot more bearable. He... he loved me.
"So... you're staying, right?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow.
"If you want me to, yes," he answered.
"It's your choice, but... yeah, I want you to."
"It's my choice? I choose you."
It was amazing, the power he had over me. The previous night I had been thinking about killing myself - now all I could think about was how fucking happy I was. Just because he knew. And wanted and loved me. And was staying. I couldn't believe how fucking easy everything had been in the end. Jesus fucking Christ... it was just so fucking amazing.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
~~~
He remembered. I was so damn sure he remembered. Sometimes he looked at me like he was wondering what went on inside my head, and that's when I knew. His eyes, those fucking pretty blue eyes, they gave it all away.
I was so fucking exhausted, trying to hold onto him, not wanting to let him go. I had been dropping hints for what felt like an eternity, trying to make him see. And now, I was sure he did. He knew. He knew I loved him. And he had yet to move to Debbie's, as he had said he eventually would.
I had been a fucking idiot, thinking if I could only make him see I love him, everything would be okay. Well, fuck that. Now there was tension between us. He knew, but I wasn't sure if he knew I knew he knew. And... things were just going to hell. We fought, and we *never* fought. Not like that, anyway. Not so that I didn't fucking know if I was supposed to laugh or cry and I just wanted to kill him - but not before I had first fucked him. Made love to him. No, fucked him. That sounded *much* better.
Okay, want to hear me say it? Fine. What shall I say? Just tell me what to say and I'll repeat it. "Oh, you know I love you, right?" Or how about, "You are my sunshine, please don't ever leave me, I love you!" Pathetic. Just like everything else in this goddamn place. The fucking loft is pathetic - I am pathetic. I could end it all, right now. He'd come home - or well, *here* - and find my goddamn body lying there in the middle of the fucking floor. How about that? How about that indeed...
I could hang myself. I could take all the drugs in the fucking loft, it'd be enough to kill an army. I could shoot myself; only I didn't have a gun. Who'd be there to miss me?
Now Kinney; I thought you were over this. Get a fucking grip. You want him? Fine. Admit it to yourself. You need him. You need him badly.
And then he came home. And I didn't even realize I had thought of my loft as his home. And the minute he kissed me and smiled at me, I felt better. It was amazing, the amount of power he had over me. He controlled my actions, my thoughts, even my goddamn emotions. I hated him for that. I loved him for that.
Justin, I love you. "Justin, I..."
He lifted his gaze and looked me in the eye, looking relaxed and happy, like always. He was always in a good mood. Well, he had been, lately.
"I told Mikey I'd meet him at Babylon... I'll see you later." Fucking. Coward. Kinney.
I left. I got to Babylon, and Mikey *was* there. We hadn't had any plans. But he was there, and I was so glad for that. I guess it was him who took me home when I was so drunk I couldn't tell black from white.
And even if it hadn't been Mikey, at least *someone* had taken me home. I woke up in my own fucking bed the next day, very late, and next to me there was lying a very, *very* happy Justin.
"Oh god... whatthefuckhappened?" I mumbled.
"You were drunk." God how I loved his voice when it was a bit cocky like that. "And... do you remember anything?"
"Yeah, I remember meeting Mikey. After that... it's pretty blurry." I looked at him. There was a sparkle in his eyes. Uh-oh... what have I done now?
"You don't remember yelling at... well, talking to me?"
"No. What did I say? Was it something important?" Apparently, since he was that anxious.
"You told me that... you love me."
Oh. "I told you that?"
"Yeah." There was a long pause. I was thinking furiously about whether I should tell him - whether I *could* tell him - and he was probably thinking about whether or not it had been true. Then he opened his pretty mouth and asked, hesitantly, "Do you?"
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. "Yes. I love you."
That was so fucking easy I don't believe I just said that oh fuck I'm screwed please Justin stop looking at me like that oh for fuck's sake where can I go and hide?
His face lit up and he leaned in to kiss me, but couldn't make it deep and passionate so he made it rough and quick because he was just - so - goddamn - happy.
"I knew it," he said. "I heard you say that once when I was leaving. And... I remember something. I must've been drunk, but I remember you told me so. I don't know when it happened, though..."
There was happiness in those blue eyes. Happiness I had made happen.
"Yeah well... what is it with us and alcohol anyway?" Iloveyousofuckingmuch. "I still don't believe I told you, I can usually keep my mouth shut pretty well, even when I'm drunk," I commented absent-mindedly.
"I know," he said and looked down.
And that's when *I* knew, too. The little shit, he had lied to me. He had fucking lied to me. I hadn't said a word. I *never* said a word when I was drunk. *Never*. He had tricked me. Justin, that goddamn innocent-looking kid, had tricked me into telling him what he already knew. He had... tricked me into making my fucking life a lot more bearable. He... he loved me.
"So... you're staying, right?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow.
"If you want me to, yes," he answered.
"It's your choice, but... yeah, I want you to."
"It's my choice? I choose you."
It was amazing, the power he had over me. The previous night I had been thinking about killing myself - now all I could think about was how fucking happy I was. Just because he knew. And wanted and loved me. And was staying. I couldn't believe how fucking easy everything had been in the end. Jesus fucking Christ... it was just so fucking amazing.
~Feedback more than appreciated~