Now you call me cold
Cold Heartless Kai
And you are right
But I can't say I'm sorry
I am cold
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
You're screaming at me now. I turn away and start to walk. I don't have to listen to this.
"No way buddy, not this time. You'll listen to what I have to say."
"Fine then I will." Perhaps I want to hear it.
"You Kai are the most selfish, arrogant, mucked up bastard I have ever met. I don't know how you bear to look in a mirror in the morning. Would one smile be too much?"
"Yes Tyson, yes it would."
Rei lays his hand on your shoulder. "Leave it Tyson."
But you shrug him off and shake your fist at me.
"I hate you. You're just cold. Cold-hearted and careless."
You tell the truth
But I have my reasons
I don't just hate people
For the sake of it.
Everything I've done
Is your fault
It's all your fault
I am cold.
I walk away as fast as fast as I can without running and showing you how much I really cared.
One smile really would be too much. You think I'm cold-hearted. I'll never be able to show you how warm I really am.
You think I don't care. I will end this, now.
Wednesday in the coliseum
When you called out my move
I took your advice and
Won us the battle.
Dranzer was tall above me. Johnny's Salamulyon was coiled about his neck. Dranzer couldn't move, I was stuck with nowhere to go.
"Kai's in trouble," the voice of Jazz screamed over the noise of the crowd. This whole crowd that lined the walls of Robert's coliseum would be there to witness my defeat.
Johnny's fists were clenched, his whole body tense as he watched the cramping moves of Salamulyon. I stood stationary with my hands flung out to the sides and my mouth open, gazing at the spectacle.
I was caught, nowhere to go and noting to do. Soon my beyblade will stop spinning, Dranzer will disintegrate and it will all be over. Over for all of us.
I didn't care about them, I only cared for myself, Dranzer and
You.
But you were there for me Tyson. You stood up all of a sudden and called to me. "Up Kai, move up. It's the same thing that happened to Dragoon remember?"
I knew you were right but I was reluctant to take your advice. I didn't want you to see what a powerful hold you have over me. But I had no choice, so I ordered Dranzer to fly.
He flew, shaking Salamulyon off, then he attacked. Through the dust even Jazz could see nothing for several moments. But I knew you'd cracked it for me Tyson.
"And It's Kai!"
Johnny's beyblade was on its side. It was over.
Victory for the Bladebreakers
But I couldn't say
Thankyou Tyson
I am just so cold.
I picked up my still spinning blade and turned away. You came up to meet me, smiling but what did I say?
"Don't you ever help me again."
That's not what I meant. I meant 'thankyou Tyson.' I meant 'thankyou for everything.'
Tyson can't you understand
What you are doing to me?
Tearing me apart
Making my wounds
Deeper.
I made that move, I made it
For you.
If it were anyone else I would
Have lost and made the team
Face the shame.
No victory for Kai
No victory for the team
That's how cold
I am.
I walked away my own words ringing in my ears. "Don't you ever help me again." I had branded my own heart. Cold blooded and uncaring.
I didn't see you again for two days.
Remember when we met?
I was cold then
Already cold
But it was your fault
That I didn't change
How could I change for you?
You didn't want me
You told me so with your eyes
'Too cold for me.'
You challenged me. I took your challenge. I detected a strength in you beyond all that I had ever encountered. When we first met I hated you, just like I hated the rest of the world. I was bitter. But I wasn't always like that, I just had a sort of society problem. Nobody was worth my opinion, I was above everybody.
Except you.
I had met my match and I hated you fiercer than I had ever hated before. Funny what hand fate deals us. Why did I join the Bladebreakers? I did it for you. I was intrigued beyond anything I had ever felt. It seemed that I couldn't let you leave unless I left with you.
Why do you still ask why I am with you? Why can't you see?
Oh, now, Tyson,
How cold am I now?
It's dark out. There are nightjars in the sky. I've been walking for hours. And I am sorry.
So sorry that I cannot live without saying it. But I could never say it. So I cannot live.
It is freezing cold but I don't feel it my body, soul and mind are frozen. But you knew that already didn't you. Didn't you?
I'm not wearing my scarf or my armbands or anything that makes me Kai. I was going to leave all that behind, shed it like a skin and then die in my purity.
I get to your door and I sit myself upon the step. Russia is cold, Russia is colder than me. I could change my plans, go inside and confess everything to you. But I can't, there are still barriers holding me back.
I am still Kai.
In my pocket I have a present. A gift for the world. My 'apologies' present. I slide my hand in and around it. Pulling my hand out again I notice that it is red and dripping. My hot red blooded fingers uncurl. The razor blade shines innocently in a pool of blood.
All I can do is sit and stare. My pain is over, my pain was what I felt when I fought with you Tyson. This is nothing compared to that, this is relief. You told me you hate me. This is relief.
I take my uninjured hand and pick up the blade between thumb and forefinger, its death dealing ridges pointing up and down.
I don't feel a thing as I drag it across my left wrist. I am numb to everything, the chill, the world, the pain.
Even my shock is numb as I sit and watch the blood pump out over my arm and onto my trousers. I am beyond it all now.
"Kai? Kai! Oh Jesus Christ Kai what have you done to yourself."
It is you. I can see. I can see you, just about, through an increasing haze.
You rip off your shirt and wrap it around my wrist trying to stop the bleeding.
"Call the hospital. Now!" you call over my shoulder.
My shaking fingers drop the blade and it hits the ground with a sharp call of metal.
"Why did you do this. Why! Why here? Now?"
I can't see so well.
"You hate me. I don't hate you. I can't go on like this. I can't be me."
You're the reason I did
This to myself
You're my reason for
Everything
It's hard to talk now but I have to tell you.
On your knees beside me trying to stall my blood. My heart still beats for you.
I bring my hand up to touch your arm but I cannot. I am falling backwards. Too weak to hold myself up.
You hold me. Still pressing my wrist but my head rests upon your chest. It is all in a haze now.
"You called me cold. You ask me why Tyson. You ask me why."
If I died in your arms
Tyson
How cold would I be then?
How cold?
Your lips are on my forehead. So gentle, even caring. You care about me. Even now, you still care about me. I feel dizzy but you are my support. If only I hadn't. If only I wasn't me. If only I could have broken my curse of indifference.
But is it too late?
I feel myself slipping away…