The black sedan dropped him in front of his house and he stood at the end of the sidewalk for minutes, hours, days; he wasn't sure. Hesitation, uncertainty, these were unfamiliar to him. Did he belong here any more, this new Jack that six months alone had forged? Then the door burst open and a blur of yellow and brown crashed into his arms. They twirled around in unison, laughing and crying.
He shook his head to dispel the vision and slowly walked to the front door. Should he knock, should he ring the bell or should he just walk in? Again, he wasn't sure. Was this to be a new pattern? His hand raised, poised to knock and paused. A cold shiver of a ghost passed by; reminding him of the evil that once occupied this house and made a mockery of his home. He drew a cleansing breath. Then his hand dropped, grabbed the knob and pushed open to door to her sanctuary.
He could hear laughter in the kitchen; little girl giggles and more mature laughter. Happy, she was happy. He thanked the heavens. Did she even miss him? He looked around and noticed nothing had changed. Irina (now the monster had its true name) was everywhere, in the curtains hanging over the windows, in the photographs on the side tables, in the air. Deceiver and deceived, intertwined in the air with the smell of baking.
His feet began to move without conscious effort to the rear of the house, laughter pulling him along like a magnet. He willed himself to be strong. He saw the back of Sydney, in flour-covered overalls, making cookies with the nanny. He caught the older woman's eyes and raised a finger to his lips. He wanted to watch for a moment longer. Smell the little girl smell of talcum powder, baby shampoo and sunshine. His baby had changed, she was a bit taller and her hair was longer, with sun-kissed tips. Sydney chatted away, oblivious, slipping into bad Spanish to bring a smile to both of the adults in the room.
Then the nanny bent down and pointed for Sydney to look over her shoulder. In one swift movement, she turned and was in his arms. Planets aligned and the sun shone and, for one wonderful moment, six months were erased in one word "Daddy".
A crack opened in the armor he had crafted as if a splinter were driven with a sledgehammer. Tears came to his eyes, unbidden, brimming over the edges. Little girl kisses rained over his face and he welcomed it as a cloudburst on a steamy summer day. His baby, his baby, HIS. His life preserver, his calm in the storm, his security blanket of brown curls and delicate, shimmering eyes.
Question upon question she asked, barely able to breathe between each. Where were you Daddy? Why didn't you call me? Did you miss me? Did you bring me a present? And then the words that were his salvation for six months, "I love you Daddy". And he was saved, if only for the moment. And the joy of that knowledge warmed his heart, and then flew away.
Because he knew that soon, very soon, he would need to repair his armor and retreat. He had a mission. And sadly, Sydney would be the unwilling sacrifice. And he wept inside as she grabbed his hand and pulled him through the house to her pink and white room.
Days turned to months and seasons came and went and he slowly repaired the armor. Little by little the walls were re-built. Work and scotch were the cement, binding and almost impenetrable, a siege on his heart. Only when Sydney was around did the white flag of truce come out. And he survived there under the ocean of betrayal and sorrow, like Poseidon ruling the ocean depths.
And then the snake returned to awaken the winged avenger sleeping in his soul. The Evil One may not be dead after all Arvin reveled. And again the taste of rage and revenge felt good on his tongue. A new mission was born, of retribution and protection. His daughter would never know of the Evil One. She would always believe in the illusion. He could never break her heart as his had been broken. Revenge and retaliation dripped on his mouth and the juice was sweet as ripe summer berries. If he ever saw the Evil One again, if he ever…
What was once leather and chain mail now became body armor of strongest steel. As the years progressed it began to repel the one thing that could break through. For as Sydney grew up, the saintliness of her mother seemed to increase. He became elusive; to protect her and to protect what was left of him. He stood on the periphery of her life and though he wished he could have changed it, he would not. It was safer that way, whether for her or him, he lost track of long ago.
His life became centered on work and Sydney. His personal life was minimal. At first he was too devastated to even think of getting close to anyone. Eventually he became so lonely that he sought out companionship. Loneliness was a strong drug that would occasionally overcome the rage that encompassed his heart. Once in a while, he would seek the company of the mother of one of Sydney's friends; the single ones, of course. He had enough respect for himself and these women to not ruin a marriage. These were all short-term relationships, devoid of real romantic attachment. A stipulation he made very clear at the beginning of each relationship. Then once, he made the mistake of bringing one of his companions home and Sydney's reaction was unprecedented.
Soon, he switched to the women at work. He was known as a gentleman, who treated his dates regally. The best restaurants, expensive gifts, a wonderful date, but nothing more. The consensus was that he never rebounded after the death of his wife; and he let them believe the gossip. Never would they know that he could never open himself to anyone, he was too afraid.
The milestones of Sydney growing into womanhood passed by as blurry roadside markers. Dances and boyfriends and school plays passed whether he was in town to acknowledge them or not. He did manage to see her graduate valedictorian. Her speech made him cry in the solitude of his bedroom, hours later.
Then independence and college and his little girl no more, his salvation was gone. His one last flicker of humanity was a buried ember under the ashes that remained on his heart.
Unbeknownst to him, the snake returned and tempted Sydney with forbidden fruit. It was too late when he finally realized. He wept then for he knew that one day she would find out the truth and all that he had done to prevent her ever knowing would be revealed. And it would devastate her, like the destruction of his Atlantis years ago.