Lots of things run. Engines run, eggs can be too runny, my boyfriend runs daily from the guards. Well almost daily. But right now the verb run can be used to describe something entirely different. Right now what is running is my GOD DAMN nose.
I'm sitting in the healer's office waiting. I've been waiting for nearly an hour now all because my stupid, ugly, nose is running. Tissues litter my lap and the table next to me. Poor table. So pretty and so weighed down by nasty virus and Sabe drippings.
I'm here for the third time this week all because the healer feels it necessary to ogle my ass---excuse me, UPDATE me on my --um condition every other day. That's right, the healer is a horny little bastard. He and I both know that it's just a virus that just happened to hit during prime allergy season making my nose run all the more. Sadly I'm allergic to nearly 43 different things on Naboo alone and happen to get itchy and sneezy in a way that is extreme when compared to others. This gives Dr. Humperlot--I swear that's his name-- the chance to have his nurses make a fuss over me, stick me on an examination table in a VERY sheer paper gown and allows him to then stare at my cleavage. You may ask why I continue to allow this to happen and my only answer is that I have no choice. My weekly visits to see Dr. Humperlot have been ordered by none other than the Queen herself, that bitch.
One day I was sitting in the throne room in the yellow dress that I love soooooo dearly (bullshit). Anyway, I had noticed the itchy sensation in the back of my throat signaling a coming allergy attack. My eyes started to water and itch, my skin felt like a thousand bugs were attacking and leaving their own tiny mounds of irritation for me to enjoy later. My sinuses started to hurt and the pressure gave me the feeling that an explosion would be taking place within moments. All this left me mortified. A handmaiden by definition assists her lady with small menial tasks and yet also shows support and defense blah blah blah. They are to be silent and ever present never showing any sign of weakness that might take attention away from the queen yada yada yada. Therefore a giant, loud, wet, disgusting sneeze in a silent, dignified and beautiful hall was not an option. My mind ordered, yelled, screamed at my nose, telling it to stop its whining and control itself. I tried to separate mind from body in the hopes that it wouldn't happen. I instead focused on some argument between Amidala and some VERY ugly creature on the screen in front of her. It was getting pretty intense, Padme looked really pissed off.. It was getting to a key moment when the floodgates opened, the alarms went off, the fat lady sang and my nose exploded.
In the space of 5 seconds everything stopped. Everyone ceased conversation, came out of whatever daydream was being used to entertain their minds, and stared at me. I looked up sheepishly and immediately locked eyes with Amidala.
"Excuse me, you're Highness, please forgive the interruption, it will not happen--" as if on cue the flood gates opened, the alarms went off and the fat lady sang with a loud SNEEZE "again" I ended quietly. OMG I was mortified. I wanted to cry. Amidala silently nodded and turned continuing her argument. She reduced her voice to a light yet stern tone that attempted to hide her seething anger that had built up all day.
"As I was saying King Yaagen the shipments that we have been sending to you are not poisoned or contaminated in any way. I assure you it is not Naboo's wish to do any harm to your people and the other natural resources of Schmaagen." Amidala spoke gently but firmly.
"Amidala I remember when we were younger," the King began, taking on a less formal tone," I was your escort to a ball held on Alderaan I believe. There was quite a lot of alcohol at the ball and I remember remarking to you that I never drank because I had found early on that I had a very low tolerance for it. You then answered that you found the taste of any alcoholic beverage disgusting." Amidala nodded with a quizzical expression wondering where this was going.
"Later you excused yourself and left to get something to drink, for the both of us," King Yaagen continued, "You brought back two glasses and assured me that there wasn't anything in it but fruit juice and water. I laughed at your comment and you smiled back innocently before taking a sip of your drink. The next thing I remember was waking up on a couch feeling as though I might die at any moment. It seems to me, my darling Queen that we are in the same situation here again. Please, tell me, how am I supposed to be "assured" that there is nothing in these shipments when I know that it has been your express wish to have me black out in the past?" He asked with a smile on his face. Amidala looked severely perturbed. Score one for ugly boy. Hey if you gotta be THAT ugly then you better have SOMETHING else going for you.
"I am ashamed that you would dare to bring your personal life into a matter concerning your people, but if you must, I will assure you, " she said in a mocking tone, ooooooo it was getting juicy but then I felt the tingling sensation beginning once again, " that I know," SNEEZE, "nothing," SNEEZE, "of this event and find that you are recounting," SNEEZE, "false events in order to accuse my planet of something in which it is completely" SNEEZE, "OH BY THE FORCE THAT'S IT!!!!!!!" Amidala finally screamed. Whipping around in her chair she almost lost her headdress, "SABE, get your sneezing under control or get out of my throne room!" She turned around; leaving me mortified, and took a deep breath. Having collected herself she began to open her mouth to apologize and I felt it again. Rabe also saw me, along with the other handmaidens who all stared nervously at my nose praying to whatever gods there were that my nose was in fact under control. I finally released a breath and looked at them as if to say "please don't worry about me, it's alright, won't happen again" they let out a collective sigh of relief but too soon because all at once the loudest sneeze, felt miles away, erupted from my now very red nose.
I'm sure that none of you have ever come across an angry bantha, I haven't either but if I were to imagine that event I would easily compare its rage to that showing on Amidala's face as she turned slowly in her chair. She was mad, very mad and when that bitch gets mad wooooooohoooooo you don't want to know her. She may be small but dude that girl can kick some serious ass. Luckily she had been coached on controlling her anger but none of that coaching could save me now and she was visibly shaking as she tried to keep from attacking me right there.
"Sabe," she spoke in a voice underscored by extreme rage.
"Yes Your Highness" I replied innocently.
"I would like for you to leave the throne room at once!" she ordered. I didn't waste any time with pleasantries and practically ran to the door behind which I knew that I might sneeze freely. The heavy ornate door could not have slid open faster and I closed it as quickly as possible before relaxing in the safe haven known as my personal quarters.