Chapter 5
I was woken early next morning by shouts & laughter comming from outside. I sluggishly crawled out of bed & went to the window, yawning as I threw open the curtains. Looking down into the yard I saw Michael rolling in the dirt, he was playing with Greg & Pat & loving every minute of it judging from the excited squeels & giggles I could hear! I smiled when I saw them, it warmed my heart to see him playing around with his uncles with not a care in the world! They didn't see enough of each other, something I had to try & change! If Dad's heart attack had taught me anything it was that Michael needed to know his family! After I had a shower I went downstairs & made coffee. It still felt strange to be back at the old farmhouse, somehow unreal, dream-like! Greg & Pat came in exhausted & grinning like Cheshire cats! "He's not done out there but I am!" Greg said as he flopped into a chair! "Me too! It's worse than a five-setter with Sampras!" Pat smiled. "Ok old men! I'm on my way out!!" I laughed. I went out & we kicked a ball around in the yard for a little while, I didn't realise we were being watched! Michael made some comment about how I couldn't kick the ball right 'cause I was a 'girl', so I playfully grabbed him & tickled him until we both ended up in the dirt laughing! I pulled him on top of me & tweaked his nose! "You wanna go see Grandpa today?" "Oh yes Mummy! And Gum too! Is Gum sick Mummy?" "No sweetheart! She's just staying at the hospital to help the doctors & nurses fix up Gramps!" He looked at me as if he was deep in thought. "Is Gum your Mummy?" I smiled. "No....well she didn't have me when I was a baby, but she's just like my Mummy...just the same as me & you & I love her very much!" "OH." He looked distant, as if his little mind was ticking over, trying to make sense of it! Fitting the strange pieces of life together like a lego wall! Suddenly he grinned & kissed my cheek. "I'm glad you're my Mummy!" It brought a tear to my eye! "Me too Mike! I wouldn't have it any other way!" "Robert says his Mummy is the best.......but he's wrong!" he smiled. "Yeah? Well I bet his Mummy doesn't know how to.........tickle his tummy!!!" I said, rolling him over in the dirt & frantically ticking him until he screamed!! "Gem?" I stopped, but I couldn't look up. I was frozen, not even breathing! My body was covered in goosebumps & my throat went dry as if it was going to close completely! I knew that voice, knew who I was going to see if I looked up & I just couldn't do it! "I'm sorry.....I didn't mean to startle you!" said the voice & still my body refused to move! "Mummy!" Michael whispered excitedly, "Mummy! Mummy look!" he tugged at my shirt & pointed, "It's Matt! Matt the Hardy Boy! Like my toy!! Look!!" I finally drew in a breath & dragged myself up off the ground. My eyes started at his feet & slowly as I stood up I looked at his legs, his stomach, his chest & finally forced my head up to look at his face! It felt like it had taken every ounce of strength I had to lift my head those last few inches! Michael was still frantically tugging at my shirt & I quickly stepped infront of him so he had to peer at Matt from behind my leg! My heart was pounding & I just stood, staring at Matt, not knowing what to do next! "I.....er........wow! Err..........how are you? Are you ok?" Matt ran a hand through his hair. I just slowly nodded. "This must be little Michael....." He bent down to say hi to Mike but his voice trailled off when they were face to face & he looked shocked! "Go inside Michael!" I said, turning & ushering him towards the house. "But Mummy I..." "Now Michael! there's a good boy! I won't be long!" He reluctantly picked up his ball & went in the back door. Matt & I just stood there looking at each other. "Gemma I.....he....he looks like..........." he paused, "....Jesus!" He shook his head as if in disbelief! "Can we..........er...............talk maybe?" "Sure." We walked to the porch steps & sat down. So many times over the years had we sat there & sorted out the world's problems over a glass of lemonade! So many times had Matt made things right, sitting right there on those steps, but this was different & I knew he was no miracle worker! It felt like my life was this huge complicated jigsaw puzzle & I'd speant forever fitting all the little pieces together, only now some hurricane had come along & blown them all to hell! I had so many things I wanted to say to Matt, but nothing would come out! "So....how are you?" he asked. "Mmm...I'm fine...I guess." He laughed sarcastically & I hung my head. "I...well I mean WE missed you Gemma!" I just nodded, unable to find the words that I needed to say to him. "I need to understand why Gemma?" he blurted out suddenly & turned to face me, "One minute you were here, we were all here.....everything was fine then, what the hell happened?!" "I don't know Matt! that's the truth! All I know is something inside of me snapped, freaked I guess! Then as time went on it became harder & harder for me to come back & face everyone! Too many bridges to build....I guess! I'm.......I'm sorry Matt......I don't have an explination for you!" "But...." he paused, wringing his hands & sighing as if he too was trying to find the words, ".....we loved you gemma, I love you!" his eyes filled with tears, "...there wasn't anything in this world I wouldn't have gone through with you! We.......we could've handled it together, like we always did! You didn't have to go!" The tears spilled down his cheeks, I'd never seen Matt cry before. The amount of pain I'd caused just to him was evident right there, I'd just never realised it! I started to cry! "I'm sorry matt! I'm truely sorry!" He leaned over & wiped a tear from my cheek while letting his own drip from his face. Suddenly he grabbed me & lifted me to my feet, squashing the breath from my lungs. I burried my head in his chest & together we cried out there on the porch. I hadn't cried that much in a long time & I couldn't let go of him even when our tears subsided. We just stood holding onto each other in silence for probably twenty minutes. Eventually he spoke. "You ahh......" he sniffed, "You need to go see Jeff!" My tears came again & he held me still, stroking my hair & trying to calm me like he had done so many times before. "Shhhhh...it's ok! It's ok!" he soothed me. "I......I can't Matt!" I was still sobbing uncontrolably. "It's ok! It's gonna be ok, I promise you sweetheart!" "No Matt....no.....you don't know.....you don't understand!" "I think I do!" he squezed me tightly, "You love each other, now go make it right!"
I was woken early next morning by shouts & laughter comming from outside. I sluggishly crawled out of bed & went to the window, yawning as I threw open the curtains. Looking down into the yard I saw Michael rolling in the dirt, he was playing with Greg & Pat & loving every minute of it judging from the excited squeels & giggles I could hear! I smiled when I saw them, it warmed my heart to see him playing around with his uncles with not a care in the world! They didn't see enough of each other, something I had to try & change! If Dad's heart attack had taught me anything it was that Michael needed to know his family! After I had a shower I went downstairs & made coffee. It still felt strange to be back at the old farmhouse, somehow unreal, dream-like! Greg & Pat came in exhausted & grinning like Cheshire cats! "He's not done out there but I am!" Greg said as he flopped into a chair! "Me too! It's worse than a five-setter with Sampras!" Pat smiled. "Ok old men! I'm on my way out!!" I laughed. I went out & we kicked a ball around in the yard for a little while, I didn't realise we were being watched! Michael made some comment about how I couldn't kick the ball right 'cause I was a 'girl', so I playfully grabbed him & tickled him until we both ended up in the dirt laughing! I pulled him on top of me & tweaked his nose! "You wanna go see Grandpa today?" "Oh yes Mummy! And Gum too! Is Gum sick Mummy?" "No sweetheart! She's just staying at the hospital to help the doctors & nurses fix up Gramps!" He looked at me as if he was deep in thought. "Is Gum your Mummy?" I smiled. "No....well she didn't have me when I was a baby, but she's just like my Mummy...just the same as me & you & I love her very much!" "OH." He looked distant, as if his little mind was ticking over, trying to make sense of it! Fitting the strange pieces of life together like a lego wall! Suddenly he grinned & kissed my cheek. "I'm glad you're my Mummy!" It brought a tear to my eye! "Me too Mike! I wouldn't have it any other way!" "Robert says his Mummy is the best.......but he's wrong!" he smiled. "Yeah? Well I bet his Mummy doesn't know how to.........tickle his tummy!!!" I said, rolling him over in the dirt & frantically ticking him until he screamed!! "Gem?" I stopped, but I couldn't look up. I was frozen, not even breathing! My body was covered in goosebumps & my throat went dry as if it was going to close completely! I knew that voice, knew who I was going to see if I looked up & I just couldn't do it! "I'm sorry.....I didn't mean to startle you!" said the voice & still my body refused to move! "Mummy!" Michael whispered excitedly, "Mummy! Mummy look!" he tugged at my shirt & pointed, "It's Matt! Matt the Hardy Boy! Like my toy!! Look!!" I finally drew in a breath & dragged myself up off the ground. My eyes started at his feet & slowly as I stood up I looked at his legs, his stomach, his chest & finally forced my head up to look at his face! It felt like it had taken every ounce of strength I had to lift my head those last few inches! Michael was still frantically tugging at my shirt & I quickly stepped infront of him so he had to peer at Matt from behind my leg! My heart was pounding & I just stood, staring at Matt, not knowing what to do next! "I.....er........wow! Err..........how are you? Are you ok?" Matt ran a hand through his hair. I just slowly nodded. "This must be little Michael....." He bent down to say hi to Mike but his voice trailled off when they were face to face & he looked shocked! "Go inside Michael!" I said, turning & ushering him towards the house. "But Mummy I..." "Now Michael! there's a good boy! I won't be long!" He reluctantly picked up his ball & went in the back door. Matt & I just stood there looking at each other. "Gemma I.....he....he looks like..........." he paused, "....Jesus!" He shook his head as if in disbelief! "Can we..........er...............talk maybe?" "Sure." We walked to the porch steps & sat down. So many times over the years had we sat there & sorted out the world's problems over a glass of lemonade! So many times had Matt made things right, sitting right there on those steps, but this was different & I knew he was no miracle worker! It felt like my life was this huge complicated jigsaw puzzle & I'd speant forever fitting all the little pieces together, only now some hurricane had come along & blown them all to hell! I had so many things I wanted to say to Matt, but nothing would come out! "So....how are you?" he asked. "Mmm...I'm fine...I guess." He laughed sarcastically & I hung my head. "I...well I mean WE missed you Gemma!" I just nodded, unable to find the words that I needed to say to him. "I need to understand why Gemma?" he blurted out suddenly & turned to face me, "One minute you were here, we were all here.....everything was fine then, what the hell happened?!" "I don't know Matt! that's the truth! All I know is something inside of me snapped, freaked I guess! Then as time went on it became harder & harder for me to come back & face everyone! Too many bridges to build....I guess! I'm.......I'm sorry Matt......I don't have an explination for you!" "But...." he paused, wringing his hands & sighing as if he too was trying to find the words, ".....we loved you gemma, I love you!" his eyes filled with tears, "...there wasn't anything in this world I wouldn't have gone through with you! We.......we could've handled it together, like we always did! You didn't have to go!" The tears spilled down his cheeks, I'd never seen Matt cry before. The amount of pain I'd caused just to him was evident right there, I'd just never realised it! I started to cry! "I'm sorry matt! I'm truely sorry!" He leaned over & wiped a tear from my cheek while letting his own drip from his face. Suddenly he grabbed me & lifted me to my feet, squashing the breath from my lungs. I burried my head in his chest & together we cried out there on the porch. I hadn't cried that much in a long time & I couldn't let go of him even when our tears subsided. We just stood holding onto each other in silence for probably twenty minutes. Eventually he spoke. "You ahh......" he sniffed, "You need to go see Jeff!" My tears came again & he held me still, stroking my hair & trying to calm me like he had done so many times before. "Shhhhh...it's ok! It's ok!" he soothed me. "I......I can't Matt!" I was still sobbing uncontrolably. "It's ok! It's gonna be ok, I promise you sweetheart!" "No Matt....no.....you don't know.....you don't understand!" "I think I do!" he squezed me tightly, "You love each other, now go make it right!"