Author: Becky (anonyme@lisco.com)
Spoilers: Anything up to and including Counteragent.
Rating: PG-13 for language.
Summary: Sydney tries to accept the way things appear to be.
This is for the November 2002 Cover Me challenge.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, JJ does. I'm just playing with them for a bit. I promise to return then in one piece, more or less.
Author's note: This is just an idea that wouldn't leave me alone. So I put the other story I'm co writing aside for a couple of days to write this. Many thanks to Jen for betaing this and putting up with the torture of reading it paragraph by paragraph on IM. She said I'm evil. I'd tend to agree. (BTW-it's her fault this is seeing the light of day.)
As for feedback, I live for it, so please feed me.
Becky
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I ask him not to explain and he tries anyway, but I am able to stop him. Then I tell him I'll see him tomorrow and I walk away. I'm proud of myself for making it out of the Ops Center without crying, but then I knew he was following me. It's not that I could see him behind me, rather I can feel him behind me.
I quicken my step, trying desperately not to run or even look like I am in a hurry. As I turn the last corner that leads to the bank of elevators, I'm praying that I won't have to wait long. For once, someone hears my prayer.
I wait as the last two people quickly get off, hurrying inside once the elevator is empty and press a button, any button, just so the door will close behind me. It does. I lean against the side of the car as it jerks to life, and, looking back at the panel, I press the correct button this time. And then I press a few more, just in case.
The elevator grinds to a halt and I step out into the parking garage. I slowly move towards my car and I'm aware of how stupid this all is. I practically ran out of the building and now I'm stalling in the garage. Jesus!
I finally start walking at a normal pace again and it doesn't take long to reach my destination. Pulling my keys from my pocket, I fumble with them for a moment before the key slips into the lock. I slide into the seat and close the door, putting my hands on the wheel. It's then I notice that they are shaking.
My backpack is on the passenger seat and I reach over, digging around until I find a notebook, then a bit more until I have a pen. Why is it that no matter what you're looking for, it's always found in the least convenient place possible?
After contemplating that for longer than I should, stalling again I suppose, I tear out a sheet of paper and start writing. I know Vaughn was hurt that I wouldn't let him explain. I need to let him know why.
As I put my reasons on paper, I'm thinking about how reserved his hug seemed. I mean, I know we were in the middle of everyone, but still, it just felt forced. And when he thanked me, his voice was so strange. And then he talked about her. About Alice. And I keep coming back to four words he said. She's a good person...
He deserves a good person. He does. And after what I've just done, I no longer fall into that category. A good person doesn't trade one life for another, no matter how noble the reasons. They don't kill their lovers, even if it was in self-defense. Their friends don't get kidnapped and tortured just because someone is trying to expose them.
I have to stop before the list of my sins grows any longer. Taking a deep breath, I sit looking at what I've written and then I add something at the end. I offer him a way out. I have to. He deserves that too.
After reading it again, I fold it quickly, not signing it. I want to leave it somewhere he'll find it, but even in this place, I don't trust what could happen. Opening the glove box, I search for an envelope, settling for the last deposit envelope I have. I stuff the note inside, sealing it.
I sit for another minute or two before I start the engine. Pulling out of my parking space, I drive slowly to the gate. The guard leans out of his little booth, clipboard in hand. I take it from him, signing out and placing the envelope on the clipboard as I pass it back to him.
"Is everything alright, Agent Bristow?"
"It's fine. Just a long day," I reply, hoping the smile I've tried to fake looks better than it feels.
"As long as you're sure..."
Ok, so the smile isn't convincing. Guess the Mona Lisa doesn't have anything to worry about. Not from me. "I just need some sleep. I'll be fine." Yeah, right. Like sleep is going to fix this.
"Have a good evening then."
While I wait for the arm to raise so I can leave, I look back at him, reminding him to make sure that Vaughn gets the note. He just nods and grabs the phone.
As I start to pull forward out of the garage, I hear him telling someone that he has a message that needs to get to Agent Vaughn before he leaves for the day.
********
The drive home takes about forty-five minutes and in that time, my cell phone has rung at least five times. After the last time, I reach over and pop the battery off. In the note, I asked him not to call me. I should have known from past experience he's not one to follow orders, or in this case a plea. I want to laugh, but I realize that not following orders is what brought us to this point.
When I get home, I have to park in front because Will's car is in the driveway right behind Francie's. I'm standing outside my front door and I swear to God, I don't know if I have the strength to face either of them right now. Unfortunately, I don't have much of a choice since I have nowhere else to go. Plastering that damned smile back on my face, I unlock the door and go inside, dropping my bag and keys on the counter.
I don't see either of them on my way back to my room. Maybe they are out back. I don't really think anything more about it when I get into my room. I quickly change into some sweat pants.
Everything is as okay as it has been the rest of the day until I start searching the back of my closet for my sweatshirts. That's when I find it.
I pull it out carefully, resting my face against the soft, faded cloth. I know it's silly, but I swear, even though it's been over eighteen months since he died, I can still smell his after shave on it. Ok, so maybe it is just wishful thinking, but today, I think I'm entitled.
I discard my blouse and replace it with the sweatshirt, even though it's way too big for me. But that just makes it more comfortable.
I walk back into the living room still running my hand over the fabric covering my arms. It's then that I glance at the TV. Great, Francie's been watching Changing Rooms again. With Will. Christ, the last time they did that I ended up with an electric purple and teal bathroom. The thought is enough to shake me out of my mood as I start towards her room. I'm about to open the door when I hear Francie, rather breathlessly...
OH MY GOD! I back up into the wall. I know my mouth is hanging open, but, but... I've got to go. I did not almost just walk in on my two best friends doing... having... making... I really have to go.
I stand frozen against the wall until my brain starts sending signals to my legs and I start moving back through the living room. Grabbing my keys from the counter, I grab my Keds that are lying by the door and slip them on as I slip out the door as quietly as possible. For the first time today, I actually allow myself to run. I get back in my car and take off, not knowing where I'm going, just knowing I can't be at home.
Traffic now is much worse. Especially around the Staples Center. Must be a home game tonight, but I'm not sure if it's the Kings or the Lakers. Suddenly I find myself wondering if Vaughn has ever taken Alice to a hockey game. From that brief meeting at the hospital, I can't imagine her being interested in, or even liking, hockey. But in all fairness, I don't know her.
Now I'm stuck in traffic. I mean we are talking a complete standstill. Not moving. I turn on the radio to get a report and find out that a semi jack-knifed and overturned and is blocking the road up ahead. Looks like I'll be stuck here for a bit.
Sitting there, I start thinking that maybe I should call home, just in case. I don't want them to worry, especially after they find my backpack on the counter. I reach over and grab my phone and the battery. Not five seconds after the battery is back in place, the damn thing starts ringing. I turn it over and am relieved to see my phone number on the screen.
I know it has to be Will because Francie doesn't have this number. "Hey," I answer, trying to sound cheerful.
"Thank God you're okay."
"Why wouldn't I be?" I don't get an answer from Will because Francie takes the phone from him.
"Syd, where are you?"
"I'm just taking a drive. It was kind of a bad day."
"But your bag is here."
"Yeah, I know. I stopped home for a minute to change and then left again."
"I wish you would have let us know you were home. I had something I wanted to show you."
"Really?" And please don't tell me it is some slinky black negligée that Will just bought you...
"Yeah, you remember that bed I saw last week, the one I just had to have?"
Oh God, my mind just went someplace it shouldn't, but at least I actually remember to reply to her question while trying to get the scary thought out of my head. "Yeah, the cherry sleigh bed, right?" Not that Will and Francie together is a scary thought. I'd be happy for them. Really I would, it's just... oh great, what did she just say? And then I wonder if she'd hear me banging my head against the steering wheel. Probably, so I just ask her to repeat what she just said.
"I said that I bought it today and Will was helping me put it together. It was a bitch, but we finally did it. You should see it. It's gorgeous."
I closed my eyes. They were putting together a bed, not... Way to go, Sydney.
"Syd? You there?"
"Yeah, sorry. I'm tied up in traffic right now and it looked like we might start moving, but I guess not."
"Ok, well when do you think you'll be home? I got this great idea for redoing the living room today."
"NO! No more room redecorating. I like it the way it is." I need something stable in my life, even if it is just the neutral color of the living room walls.
"But it..."
"NO!" Shit, I didn't mean to scream at her. "I'm sorry sweetie, but like I said, it's been a bad day. Maybe we can talk about it later."
"Sure."
Good going, Syd. Now she's upset too. "Fran, I really am sorry. I promise, we'll talk about it later."
"Fine," she states, somewhat coldly. "Will wants to talk to you again."
I hear her pass the phone back to Will and I know I've hurt her. She didn't even say goodbye.
"Syd?"
"What?"
"You've had a couple of calls."
"I know."
"I really think you should call him back. He sounded really concerned."
I have to be dreaming. Will is telling me I should call Vaughn. When did my life become an episode of the Twilight Zone?
"Syd?"
"I'm here. Listen. I can't call him. Not right now, but..."
"But what?"
"Can you call him for me?"
"And tell him what?"
I have to stop and think about this for a minute. "Just tell him I'm fine."
"He's not going to believe me."
When did Will become an expert on Vaughn? Scary thing is, I know he's right. "I know, but I can't talk to him right now, Will." I can hear my voice starting to tighten and I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. I need to end this conversation. Now. "Look, Will, traffic's moving again. I need to go. I'll be home later."
"But what about..."
"Don't worry about it. Just do what I asked. Okay?"
"Alright, but if you're going to be late or if you don't come home tonight, please call and let us know."
Now the tears are flowing freely down my face. I quickly promise Will that I'll call if I'm going to be really late and end the call.
Thankfully, traffic has finally started moving, slowly, but at least it's moving. I get up to where the truck was. They only have two lanes open here as they are still trying to clear the mess from the other lanes.
After another fifteen minutes, I realize that without planning it, I'm heading towards Malibu. Even when I was little, I always liked the beach, always running out to chase the wave, shrieking when they lapped at my heels when I didn't get back fast enough. But now, I wonder if it was real or if it was just something that was planted in my mind.
I grip the steering wheel tighter, fighting the panic that accompanies this thought. I just wish I could trust one memory without second guessing it. All I can hope is that it won't always be like this.
Up ahead, I see the sign for the exit I need to take and I drive the last couple of miles down to the beach. Pulling into the vacant lot, I grab my phone and my jacket, just in case. I slap a ratty old baseball cap on my head, pushing as much of my hair underneath as will go. I lock the door and I'm off.
When I actually step into the sand, I decide to take my shoes off since walking along the shore in soggy, sandy shoes just isn't the way to go. Besides, I love the feel of the sand surrounding my feet.
I walk down to the water's edge and start heading up the beach. I'm glad no one else is around. It makes it easier to just think. Problem is, sometimes I think I think too much. It's ridiculous, I know, but one of these days I swear my head is going to explode just because I over-analyzed something for the millionth time.
I love this beach. It's always so clean, never very many people, which is kind of odd, being Malibu and all, but I've never questioned why. One of the few things in my life I've ever taken at face value.
I honestly don't know how long I've been walking, but I'm starting to get tired. I remember, or at least I think I remember, a nice little spot just a bit further up the beach. Damn it! When will this stop? When will I be able to be sure of at least one thing in my life?
I thought I had that, thought that Vaughn was the one person I could always depend on. I probably still could, but it isn't fair to any of us. Not to me, not to him, not to her. From now on, I'm going to have to start relying on someone else for a change. And I think it's going to have to be me.
I reach the spot and feel somewhat better that what I remembered is actually true. Dropping my jacket onto the sand, I gently place my phone on it, and then sit down beside everything and just stare out at the water.
After awhile, I'm not even thinking about anything, I'm just staring out at the waves, breathing in time with the ebb and flow of the tide. It's the most at peace I've felt in a very long time.
I look over at my jacket and pick up the phone. Maybe, just maybe, I can call him. As I start to dial, I chicken out and call home.
"Syd?"
Will. "Yeah, it's me." I'm such a chicken shit...
"Where are you?"
"Sitting on the beach."
"Sitting on the beach? It's like nine o'clock at night. What are you doing?"
I thought sitting on the beach was pretty self-explanatory. Guess I was wrong. "I'm just sitting here."
"Aren't you bored?"
I just sigh. Apparently making any phone call was a bad idea. I might just have to rethink that depending on myself bit. "Did you call him?"
"Yeah. Yeah I did."
Ok, so now I'm thinking that having Will call Vaughn wasn't such a good idea either. "And?" Christ, I don't think I've ever had this much trouble getting Will to talk before.
"Hang on a sec."
It has to be bad. He's going to another room so Francie won't hear him. Shit!
"Syd, he wasn't happy that I was the one who called."
"He'll get over it," I muttered, a bit louder than I should have.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing." I look back out at the ocean, trying to find that sense of serenity I had just moments ago, but it's gone. Phone call, definitely a bad idea. "Did he say anything?"
"Nada. Well, not unless you count the seven times he told me that you were to call him. Tonight. He didn't care what time it was, you are just supposed to call him."
I know there is something else just by the way he pauses. "What is it?"
"Syd, what happened today? Why is he so worried? Why are you sitting alone on a beach at nine at night? Why..."
I listen to him asking these questions and remember that quote about being careful what you wish for. I think I preferred the silence to the questions that are flying at me from all directions now. "Will," I interrupt, "it's hard to explain. I did something. And I know I did the right thing, but it could have turned out so much worse. It still might and I just can't... I have to be by myself for a bit to figure things out."
"You aren't coming home tonight, are you?"
"I'm not sure yet. If I do, it's probably going to be late. You guys shouldn't wait up."
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine." Keep telling yourself that, Syd, and maybe you'll convince yourself. "Listen, I'm going to go. My battery is about to go out on me. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure."
I start to pull the phone from my ear, but I hear Will say something else. "What?"
"I just said, it will be okay. You did what you had to do."
I sit there, numb. Will has no idea what I've done. He has no idea that the only reason he'd been able to talk to Vaughn tonight is because I willingly traded Sloane's life for Vaughn's. He doesn't know that I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I only hope I can keep the truth of what I've done from him because if I can't... Well, I just can't deal with that right now. "Will, I really need to go. Thanks."
"Anytime, Syd. And I mean that."
"I know." Damn, I'm starting to cry again. "I've got to go. Will, thanks, for everything you did tonight."
"I just hope it works out. Night, Syd."
I manage to end the call before the sobbing starts. I pull my legs up close to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, and let the tears have free reign as I rest my head on my knees.
After about five minutes, the gulping sobs have subsided and I'm left feeling drained. The only thing I can be thankful for right now is that no one else was around. I always feel stupid crying in front of someone, especially when I lose control like I just did.
"Um, excuse me, Miss?"
So much for being thankful. "Yes," I answer, struggling to get back to my feet.
"I'm sorry, but this is a private beach. The owner saw you down here and I said I'd come down and let you know."
"Oh. I didn't realize it was private. I'll get my stuff and go." I swipe at the last tears on my cheeks before I start brushing the sand off my clothes. Reaching down, I grab my jacket, shoes, and phone. I straighten back up and turn around. The only thing I can say is that God must really hate me.
"Rita?"
Shit, shit, shit! "Alice?"
She steps a bit closer, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Are you... I mean, is everything okay?"
I take a step back, breaking contact with her. "Yeah, it's fine."
"You're sure?"
Okay, I must really look like hell. "It's just been a really bad day. I just came down here to do some thinking. Guess I walked a bit further than I thought I had."
"Why don't you come inside? Mike's mom, this is her house, and she's having this dinner, kind of celebrating the fact that he's out of the hospital and all. There are a few of Mike's friends from work here as well. I'm sure he'd be happy to see you."
I need to remember to breathe. I'm standing on a private beach, the property owned by Vaughn's mother. His mother! The one who was left widowed because of my mother. And I've been invited to join in a little dinner party they are throwing because Vaughn survived an infection that he wouldn't have been exposed to if it weren't for me.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No, um, no. It's just I..." Come on Sydney, you can come up with something. You have to get out of this and get as far away from this place as possible. And soon. I look back up at her and realize that I have my way out. "Look at me. I'm hardly dressed for a party. I can't go looking like this."
She actually has the nerve to laugh at my excuse. I'm beginning to hate her.
"Don't be silly. You look fine. Everyone else there is dressed casually. Jeans and t-shirts. If anything, I'm the one who is out of place."
I look down, shaking my head. "I shouldn't. I know I look like a mess. And if I was going to meet Vaughn's mother, I think I'd rather be a little less casual."
Alice just nods her head in understanding. "You might be right about that. She is a great lady and all, but she definitely believes in dressing properly. I swear, I think she still sneaks over to Mike's and color coordinates his clothes."
She's making me laugh. I don't want to like her, but standing here talking with her, I can see that she is indeed a good person. A kind, caring person. Just the type...
"There you are."
I turn away, quickly enough that I don't think he realizes it's me.
I hear her kiss him. The only reason I know she's doing the kissing is because he's still talking. "I told you to wait and I'd come down with you."
"It's okay, really. In fact, maybe you can help me here. I'm trying to convince Rita that she should come up and join us, but she seems a bit reluctant."
"Rita?"
Okay, it's official. I hate her. Now it's time to plaster that fake smile back on my face. The one Vaughn has always been able to see through. You can do this, Sydney. You can.
I turn back around, fake smile in place. "Hey."
The smile on his face freezes. And I'm not the only one who notices.
"Oh God, Mike, are you alright?"
I watch him swallow a couple of times. When he finally manages an answer, his voice is rough.
"I'm fine. I just wasn't expecting to see you."
"Well why would you silly," Alice answers for me. "I mean, she didn't even know about this little party tonight."
Jesus, Sydney, say something! "Well like I told Alice, it wasn't your fault. I mean, I've been out of the office so much, what with everything that's been going on."
"I know I don't actually know you, but when I first came down here, you were crying. Is everything okay?"
I glance at Vaughn as she's talking. When she announces that I had been crying, he just kind of stares back at me. I can't hold his gaze. I look back down at my feet before answering Alice's question. "I honestly don't know right now."
"Alice, you're shivering. You should go back inside."
Alice just laughs this cute little laugh. "It is a bit chilly out here."
She has no idea how true her words are. I look back up just in time to see her kissing him. Nothing passionate or anything like that, just a sweet little kiss. I've had kidney punches that hurt less.
She steps away from him and walks over to me. "It was really good seeing you again." And then she does something that takes me completely by surprise. She hugs me.
My arms move up and I find myself returning the embrace. It takes a minute, but I am actually able to answer her. "It was good seeing you too." Thank God, it sounded sincere...
We separate and she walks back past Vaughn. Before she leaves, she gives him another little kiss and then looks back at me. "I really do hope everything turns out okay for you."
I'm standing here completely at a loss for words. All I can do is nod. I watch as she walks back up to the house, waiting until she is far enough away before I say anything.
Actually I end up waiting until I see her go back inside before I turn to Vaughn.
"I'm so sorry. I had no idea..." He doesn't let me finish.
"Don't you EVER do that again."
He's pissed. Understandably so. If I'd been followed, I would have just endangered his girlfriend's life. "Listen, Vaughn, I'm sorry. I just went for a drive and I found myself at the beach. I just started walking. I had no idea this was a private beach. I certainly didn't know this is where your mother lived."
"Damn it, Syd! I'm not talking about this," he replies angrily.
"What are you talking about then?" I seem to be missing something here, but given what has just happened, I think I'm entitled to a little confusion.
"I'm talking about this."
I watch as he pulls something out of his pocket. I'm still confused. Well that is until he shoves it into my hand.
"God damn it, Syd. You won't let me explain, then you walk off, and then when you leave, you have someone deliver this fucking note to me? And then you won't answer your phone. Jesus! I thought something had happened to you."
He's walked away from me and he's running his hand through his hair. He just
left me standing there holding the note I'd written earlier in the day. I go after him. "Vaughn, I..."
"No, I don't want to hear it right now. I want to know why you did this."
"I just want to make it easier for you."
"Easier? Dying would be easier than making the choice you offered me in that damned note."
I glance nervously at the house, wondering if Alice is watching us. "But I just thought..."
"Yeah, I know what you thought. And you are wrong. And if you'd let me explain, maybe you'd understand."
I know everyone thinks I'm this strong person, but I just can't take hearing about how happy he is with her. I just can't do it. "I don't want you to explain. I just want you to know that if you ever need to take me up on my offer, I'll understand."
You know, I don't think that shade of red is a good thing. Especially for someone who just got out of the hospital. I reach out and touch his arm, but he steps away from me, turning to stare out at the ocean.
I have to wonder who'll be my new handler. All I can hope is that it won't be Lambert. I really hated that prick.
While he is turned away, I realize I've stayed longer than I should have. Besides, I don't think there is anything left to say. Not now.
I start the long walk back to my car and I'll be damned if the tears haven't started up again. I'm probably about ten feet away from him when I think I hear him say something. I stop walking for a moment, trying to decide if I am just hearing things or if he did actually speak. I decide to find out. "What?"
I get no response to my question. I wipe the tears from my face and turn around, wanting one last look at him. I'm surprised to find Vaughn right behind me.
"I said I'll see you tomorrow."