Chapter 11
We talked for a long time that night. I tried to explain as best I could what was going through my mind all these years & my reasons for walking out that night & leaving him lying in his bed. The truth was I couldn't even explain it to myself! I had tried to tell Dad, Matt, Gilbert but all I could say was that I was scared! What I'd had with Jeff meant everything to me & I was afraid! We'd crossed the line, no going back & I wanted it both ways! What if it hadn't worked out? We'd have lost everything...all those years of friendship, trust, loyalty...I didn't want to stick around & risk it all! I also told him how I was running away from Adam, taking the cowards way out so I didn't have to face him, look him in the eye & tell him it was over, watch the expression on his face as I broke his heart! I tried to explain how I'd felt the day the doctor confirmed my suspicions & told me I was pregnant! How so many times before & after Michael was born I'd picked up the phone but never had the bottle to call him. He seemed to be beginning to understand. Once or twice I'd reached for his hand, (old habits die hard I guess), but he would move it away before we touched. Eventually Gilbert came home & then Matt & Amy so it was impossible to go any further. He offered to walk me home as it was close to midnight & I accepted. We talked as we walked up the road in the darkness & decided we'd take Michael out somewhere in the morning & try to tell him. It was what Jeff wanted. How we were going to tell him was another matter entirely & neither of us had the answer. "Well....here we are." said Jeff as we got to Dad's gate. "Yeah, so I guess I'll see you in the morning!" "Around 9am ok with you?" "Yeah that's fine!" We both stood there, expecting something...............God knows what!! A bolt of lightening might have helped!! Eventually I turned & opened the gate. "Well, goodnight then." "Yeah....er....Gem?" "Yeah?" "We're gonna work this out right?" "Sure Jeff, we'll work it out......somehow!" He nodded, "Goodnight Gemma!" I watched him walk away & I prayed to God for the strength to just run after him & throw my arms around him! I guess God is a heavy sleeper as my legs went the other way & I walked back to the house. ******* Next morning Michael was thrilled when I told him we were going out in Jeff's car! He was so excited he couldn't eat his breakfast! I got him dressed & hugged him & told him for the 100th time that morning how much I loved him! When Jeff's car pulled up he ran outside before I could even get his coat on! "JEEEEFFFFFF!" he yelled, running down the porch steps & accross the yard! Jeff got out of the car & Michael ran into his arms! He looked so small when Jeff picked him up, so vunerable, my stomach was in knots! We got into the car & Jeff drove us to the local park. Michael took off as soon as we opened the car door, running from one thing to the next, not knowing which swing to sit on first or which way he should push the round-a-bout! Jeff chased after him & I found a bench & sat down, watching them play together. I still had no clue as to how we were going to tell Michael all of this but Dad was right, it was only going to get worse the longer I left it ! He loved Jeff, that was plain enough to see, but Jeff was one half of the Hardy Boys for Christ's sake - indestructable tag team champions!! What if Michael ended up loving Jeff for all the wrong reasons? The mind of a four year old was a funny thing! They saw the frosting on the cake & wanted it, but when they tried to eat what was inside they found it wasn't as nice as it first looked!! God this was a holy mess alright!! As I sat there watching them running around together I felt like grabbing Michael & heading back to Australia! Running back home, back to the safety net & back to the lies! At that moment I didn't care if Michael never even saw the cake, never mind took a bite! After a little while Jeff came back over & sat beside me on the bench. "Any ideas?" I just shook my head & looked over at my beautiful baby boy playing happilly on the slide giggling to himself! "Maybe I should be the one to tell him....on my own I mean?" "If that's what you want then sure....I don't want to preassure you into this though Gemma!" Michael ran over & grabbed my hand. "Mummy come push me on the swing!! I wanna go hiiiiiiigh!!" I gulped & gave Jeff a sideways glance, "Sure honey!" I stood up, taking a deep breath & Jeff caught hold of my hand. "It'll be ok!" "Yeah...it will." I walked to the swing being dragged along by Michael, trying despirately to think of how to start this ball rolling. As I was pushing him I decided it was now or never. "Michael......do you like Jeff?" I stopped the swing & hunched down infront of him. "Sure Mummy!" he said looking puzzled. "Well......see....the thing is.....honey you know how...er....Jake...he has a Mummy & a Daddy yeah?" "Yeah! Jake's Daddy's a builder! He drives big huge trucks Mummy! Reeeeally really big ones with great big wheels!" he said excitedly! "Well...sweetheart, your Daddy...he....well....he..." "I have a Daddy? Do I Mummy? Do I really have a Daddy?" I looked to the sky searching for inspiration but found none. "Yes honey, you do have a Daddy!" "Oh...is he a builder like Jake's?" "No darling he's not a builder." "What is he then?" I gulped. My mouth was dry & my knees were knocking together. "He's a....ahhh...he's..well...." come on! Come on! Get a grip! ".....He's.....honey he's over there!" I pointed in Jeff's direction & Michael's eye's followed my finger until they came to rest on the figure sitting on the bench. "Mummy that's Jeff silly!!" he giggled. "Yes....see...thing is sweetie....that's Jeff...he's, well he's your Daddy!" His eyes widened as he climbed down off the swing & slowly turned to walk over to Jeff. Jeff looked up & all I could do was shrug my shoulders & bite my lip! I had no idea what Michael was going to do & I was terrified! I followed him over to the bench & he stood directly infront of Jeff. "Jeff?" He said. "Yeah Mike?" "Mummy says that you're my Daddy!" I could see Jeff choking back the tears. "Yeah...er.....that's right little guy! I'm.....I'm your Daddy!" We both stared at Michael & he stood, unmoving, staring at Jeff. Suddenly & without warning he launched himself at Jeff, throwing his arms around his neck & hugging him tightly! Jeff picked him up & put him on his knee, his arms wrapped around his little boy & he looked up at me through his tears & mouthed 'thankyou!' before burrying his head into Michael's neck & crying. Michael looked up at Jeff & touched his wet face. "Why is your face all wet Jeff? Don't you want to be my Daddy?" he asked so innocently. I bit on my lip to try & stop the tears, this was their time, it was Jeff's time. "Mike.." he said, sniffing & wiping his face, "....I do want to be your Daddy.....more than anything..if that's ok with you?" he wiped his face again & took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control infront of Michael. Michael put his head on one side & looked thoughtfully at Jeff, "I'd like that a lot but only if it's ok with Mummy too!" They both turned their eyes on me & I gulped, trying not to break down. "What do you say Mommy?" Asked Jeff, still sniffing, "Is it ok with you?" he smiled. "I say yeah...it's fine with me!" I smiled at them both & sat down beside them. I put my arm around Michael & pulled his head to my chest, so relieved this was over & yet still so scared all the same! As I held him I felt Jeff's arm around me, he held us both & I strted to cry. This felt so right & finally a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders! For the first time in almost five years I knew I'd done the right thing! "Mummy?" "Yes honey?" I said sniffing & wiping my face. "Can we go to McDonald's?" Jeff looked at me in amazement, then we both laughed. "Sure thing kiddo!" Jeff said as Michael jumped down from his knee & ran around in a circle shouting 'Whoooppppeeee!' We both laughed at him running around with not a care in the world! It was like water from a duck's back, as if this was a regular everyday occurance & as long as we got to go to McDonald's it would all be just fine!!! Jeff suddenly leaned over & kissed me on the cheek! I turned to him & we smiled at each other, then we headed back to the car!
We talked for a long time that night. I tried to explain as best I could what was going through my mind all these years & my reasons for walking out that night & leaving him lying in his bed. The truth was I couldn't even explain it to myself! I had tried to tell Dad, Matt, Gilbert but all I could say was that I was scared! What I'd had with Jeff meant everything to me & I was afraid! We'd crossed the line, no going back & I wanted it both ways! What if it hadn't worked out? We'd have lost everything...all those years of friendship, trust, loyalty...I didn't want to stick around & risk it all! I also told him how I was running away from Adam, taking the cowards way out so I didn't have to face him, look him in the eye & tell him it was over, watch the expression on his face as I broke his heart! I tried to explain how I'd felt the day the doctor confirmed my suspicions & told me I was pregnant! How so many times before & after Michael was born I'd picked up the phone but never had the bottle to call him. He seemed to be beginning to understand. Once or twice I'd reached for his hand, (old habits die hard I guess), but he would move it away before we touched. Eventually Gilbert came home & then Matt & Amy so it was impossible to go any further. He offered to walk me home as it was close to midnight & I accepted. We talked as we walked up the road in the darkness & decided we'd take Michael out somewhere in the morning & try to tell him. It was what Jeff wanted. How we were going to tell him was another matter entirely & neither of us had the answer. "Well....here we are." said Jeff as we got to Dad's gate. "Yeah, so I guess I'll see you in the morning!" "Around 9am ok with you?" "Yeah that's fine!" We both stood there, expecting something...............God knows what!! A bolt of lightening might have helped!! Eventually I turned & opened the gate. "Well, goodnight then." "Yeah....er....Gem?" "Yeah?" "We're gonna work this out right?" "Sure Jeff, we'll work it out......somehow!" He nodded, "Goodnight Gemma!" I watched him walk away & I prayed to God for the strength to just run after him & throw my arms around him! I guess God is a heavy sleeper as my legs went the other way & I walked back to the house. ******* Next morning Michael was thrilled when I told him we were going out in Jeff's car! He was so excited he couldn't eat his breakfast! I got him dressed & hugged him & told him for the 100th time that morning how much I loved him! When Jeff's car pulled up he ran outside before I could even get his coat on! "JEEEEFFFFFF!" he yelled, running down the porch steps & accross the yard! Jeff got out of the car & Michael ran into his arms! He looked so small when Jeff picked him up, so vunerable, my stomach was in knots! We got into the car & Jeff drove us to the local park. Michael took off as soon as we opened the car door, running from one thing to the next, not knowing which swing to sit on first or which way he should push the round-a-bout! Jeff chased after him & I found a bench & sat down, watching them play together. I still had no clue as to how we were going to tell Michael all of this but Dad was right, it was only going to get worse the longer I left it ! He loved Jeff, that was plain enough to see, but Jeff was one half of the Hardy Boys for Christ's sake - indestructable tag team champions!! What if Michael ended up loving Jeff for all the wrong reasons? The mind of a four year old was a funny thing! They saw the frosting on the cake & wanted it, but when they tried to eat what was inside they found it wasn't as nice as it first looked!! God this was a holy mess alright!! As I sat there watching them running around together I felt like grabbing Michael & heading back to Australia! Running back home, back to the safety net & back to the lies! At that moment I didn't care if Michael never even saw the cake, never mind took a bite! After a little while Jeff came back over & sat beside me on the bench. "Any ideas?" I just shook my head & looked over at my beautiful baby boy playing happilly on the slide giggling to himself! "Maybe I should be the one to tell him....on my own I mean?" "If that's what you want then sure....I don't want to preassure you into this though Gemma!" Michael ran over & grabbed my hand. "Mummy come push me on the swing!! I wanna go hiiiiiiigh!!" I gulped & gave Jeff a sideways glance, "Sure honey!" I stood up, taking a deep breath & Jeff caught hold of my hand. "It'll be ok!" "Yeah...it will." I walked to the swing being dragged along by Michael, trying despirately to think of how to start this ball rolling. As I was pushing him I decided it was now or never. "Michael......do you like Jeff?" I stopped the swing & hunched down infront of him. "Sure Mummy!" he said looking puzzled. "Well......see....the thing is.....honey you know how...er....Jake...he has a Mummy & a Daddy yeah?" "Yeah! Jake's Daddy's a builder! He drives big huge trucks Mummy! Reeeeally really big ones with great big wheels!" he said excitedly! "Well...sweetheart, your Daddy...he....well....he..." "I have a Daddy? Do I Mummy? Do I really have a Daddy?" I looked to the sky searching for inspiration but found none. "Yes honey, you do have a Daddy!" "Oh...is he a builder like Jake's?" "No darling he's not a builder." "What is he then?" I gulped. My mouth was dry & my knees were knocking together. "He's a....ahhh...he's..well...." come on! Come on! Get a grip! ".....He's.....honey he's over there!" I pointed in Jeff's direction & Michael's eye's followed my finger until they came to rest on the figure sitting on the bench. "Mummy that's Jeff silly!!" he giggled. "Yes....see...thing is sweetie....that's Jeff...he's, well he's your Daddy!" His eyes widened as he climbed down off the swing & slowly turned to walk over to Jeff. Jeff looked up & all I could do was shrug my shoulders & bite my lip! I had no idea what Michael was going to do & I was terrified! I followed him over to the bench & he stood directly infront of Jeff. "Jeff?" He said. "Yeah Mike?" "Mummy says that you're my Daddy!" I could see Jeff choking back the tears. "Yeah...er.....that's right little guy! I'm.....I'm your Daddy!" We both stared at Michael & he stood, unmoving, staring at Jeff. Suddenly & without warning he launched himself at Jeff, throwing his arms around his neck & hugging him tightly! Jeff picked him up & put him on his knee, his arms wrapped around his little boy & he looked up at me through his tears & mouthed 'thankyou!' before burrying his head into Michael's neck & crying. Michael looked up at Jeff & touched his wet face. "Why is your face all wet Jeff? Don't you want to be my Daddy?" he asked so innocently. I bit on my lip to try & stop the tears, this was their time, it was Jeff's time. "Mike.." he said, sniffing & wiping his face, "....I do want to be your Daddy.....more than anything..if that's ok with you?" he wiped his face again & took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control infront of Michael. Michael put his head on one side & looked thoughtfully at Jeff, "I'd like that a lot but only if it's ok with Mummy too!" They both turned their eyes on me & I gulped, trying not to break down. "What do you say Mommy?" Asked Jeff, still sniffing, "Is it ok with you?" he smiled. "I say yeah...it's fine with me!" I smiled at them both & sat down beside them. I put my arm around Michael & pulled his head to my chest, so relieved this was over & yet still so scared all the same! As I held him I felt Jeff's arm around me, he held us both & I strted to cry. This felt so right & finally a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders! For the first time in almost five years I knew I'd done the right thing! "Mummy?" "Yes honey?" I said sniffing & wiping my face. "Can we go to McDonald's?" Jeff looked at me in amazement, then we both laughed. "Sure thing kiddo!" Jeff said as Michael jumped down from his knee & ran around in a circle shouting 'Whoooppppeeee!' We both laughed at him running around with not a care in the world! It was like water from a duck's back, as if this was a regular everyday occurance & as long as we got to go to McDonald's it would all be just fine!!! Jeff suddenly leaned over & kissed me on the cheek! I turned to him & we smiled at each other, then we headed back to the car!