grown
part 2

By Aishiteru

What the hell did I just do!?

Zidane ran through the gardens, his mind spinning with the implications of what he had just done.

I kissed her. . .

He could still see the happiness in her eyes, her smile, all so goddamned happy, that he had kissed her. Touched her, and enjoyed it.

No, she had always been grateful for whatever scraps of attention he flung her way, never asking for anything, never expecting anything, never doing anything, except to love him with all her heart. . .He could see it shining from those clear green eyes, so pure, so lovely, never touched with any hint of sorrow and guilt.

And he didn't deserve that kind of love.

How am I supposed to tell you that I can never love you like that, Eiko? You're still a child to me. . .

But he lied, and his breath came ragged and fast, as he remembered that slender body, so like one he held in his arms every night.

But Eiko was different, her mind and soul were completely his, she didn't dream of another man, a man who had harmed both of them so. And unbidden came other memories, memories that he quickly shut away, trying not to think of the. . .brother. . .that had survived everything, that dwelt in Black Mage Village as an ordinary Genome.

I do love you Eiko. . .just not in the way you want.

Dagger. . .Garnet. . .

Oh spirits, what am I supposed to do?

Sunset came early these days, and the sky was bathed a bloody red, even though Dagger's clock had chimed five times mere minutes ago. The Queen of Alexandria paused over her papers, pushing away all thoughts of trade for the moment. The windows beckoned, and she rose gracefully to her feet to nudge them open, and feel the breeze cool her flushed skin. It was over warm in her study; after all, her servants all thought if their was a slight chill, their 'fragile' Queen would fall ill.

She smiled at that, but more at the irony then out of any real feeling of amusement.

She had thought, after everything was over, her life would be simple again. Love Zidane. Marry Zidane. Grow old with Zidane in perfect contentment, guiding her country, and protecting her people.

And to all appearences, the royal couple looked like they were living their happily ever after. Looked.

So why was it, that buried in her heart, burning in her mind, was another man? She loved Zidane more then anything; or so she thought. Yet, unbidden, her dreams would turn, her thoughts would turn to him.

Dead, yet he still lay between her and her prince, and their happiness.

Yet I cannot blame Kuja for this, this is of my own mind and heart. Zidane. . .oh, Zidane, I see you grow more distant every day, driven away by my longing for him, when it's you I love, and it hurts me to see you in pain, but nothing I tell myself, nothing I do, changes my stupid inconstant heart. He hurt me, he used me, but somehow, I saw past that, I saw his true self, and love, it was beautiful.

He needed me.

He loved me, in his own cruel unknowing way.

And he's dead.

Dead, before I could set him free, dead before I could say all that needed to be said, lost forever to the darkness he so feared. You feared death so much. . .You thought you would live forever, but when you were told you would eventually die. . .

In your pride, your vanity, you realized that if you were to die, why shouldn't everyone else? Why should you have to be alone? Again?

And I wish I could've just spoken to you once, but it wasn't possible, and that was all I wanted, to speak to you, reason with you. . .

And to say good-bye.

But you died, and I never saw you again, except for that one moment, when you lay alone in the darkness.

And you told me to fly free.*

Her eyes clouding with endless regret, Garnet covered her face and wept.

The moon shone lambent and pale in the sky.

It's light shone down on Alexandria. It slanted through a set of open windows, turning the form and features of a sleeping Queen into purest silver and ebony, shining on the man who stood near her still form, tail twitching, his mind spinning in a disarray of guilt and despair.

It shone down on another part of the world, peering through a dark tangle of trees, where a village lay in the embrace of a dark forbidding forest.

It shone another man, luminous on fine strands of pale hair, as he turned his face up to the sky, yearning. . .always yearning. . .

But that time was over now, and he had set his canary free. He had stayed carefully absent whenever his. . .brother. . .and she had visited this village. Strange, that he would end up here; none of the Black Mages seemed to bear him any malice, and he drifted through his days here, sometimes working, sometimes sleeping, but it never seemed real.

She had been more beautiful then ever, but he didn't allow himself to look at her for more then a second. Not for him. Never for him.

He sat in his room often like this, day or night, simply looking at the ever changing sky. He had never tired of simply looking at Gaia's sky, and after the never ending blue of Terra, he was grateful simply to watch the stately gathering of clouds, see them dance, driven by wind, and eventually fall back to earth. . .

As all things must fall.

He often wondered why he was still alive, a mere shell of his former self; although he recognized what he had done was wrong, he felt only a vague kind of shame about it. Nothing mattered now, only the passing of the seasons, the falling of the rain. He could only feel a brief kind of regret for the person he had been.

Never again, never again, all things must die. . .

And so Kuja looked up at the moon, marveled at it's beauty, and patiently waited for death.

On another continent, Garnet shifted in her sleep, as two tears slid from her closed eyes to fall like rain. And as her husband looked at her, eyes narrowed in anguish, two words escaped her lips, with undeniable feeling.

"Kuja. . .love. . ."

Zidane closed his eyes, and quietly left their bedroom, where he had taken his Queen, finding her asleep in her study. There was only so much he could take. And unlooked for, like a balm for his aching heart, he remembered a pair of emerald eyes, shining with all the love in the world.

Eiko stared dreamily into her reflection, brush again trailing long soothing strokes through her hair. It had really happened. . .she wasn't dreaming.

Zidane loved her.

A quick clench of guilt hit her - What about Dagger - but she hastily pushed it down to where she didn't have to think about it. Dagger had hurt Zidane, who loved her as Eiko dreamed for herself. Hurt him; she had seen it in his pensive expression, in those beloved blue eyes.

So Garnet didn't matter anymore.

No, what mattered, was that Zidane loved her, Eiko. She knew him so well, she had imprinted his every expression on her heart. Of course there had been guilt afterwards; Zidane was married, and he thought - had thought - of her as a child. But she had shown him she was all grown up now.

"Eiko?"

Hesitant, deep, yet there was a raw ache in it. A pain that she had never heard before, except a brief glimpse in the garden.

"Zidane?"

She turned, eyes wide, unknowingly letting all her concern and love for him shine through that single word and her eyes. He looked so. . .sad, except that wasn't nearly a strong enough word for it. His eyes were dark, and they despaired, imploring her. . .

And she knew that somewhere in his soul, Zidane was bleeding.

Oh, Zidane. . .

Before she knew what she was doing, she had flown to his side, to peer into his shadowed face. "Zidane? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. . ."

But his eyes told a very different story, and Eiko caught up one his hands between her own, and led him to sit on her bed. "Don't lie to me Zidane. I know something's wrong." She knelt next to him, worried face tilted up to his, hands resting on his knee.

Beautiful. . .

His eyes roved over her face, desperate to have anything to focus on, focusing on her anxious inquiries, but all he could hear was two words, spoken from another's lips.

Kuja. . .love. . .

And before he knew what he was doing, he had caught up the girl next to him, almost crushing her in his arms from his need. . .He needed. . .

And then there was nothing but silence filled by her soft cries, and her warm skin, her sweet lips and the form that was so like her's. . .

She was hesitant at first, but he ruthlessly guided her, hands stealing up and down to caress every line of her body, to tease, to excite, until she was breathless and willing. There was nothing else but this; nothing but sweetness of the oblivion of pleasure: gentle, be gentle, this is her first time. . .But even that did not deter him.

Mine, all mine. . .She loves me. . .

His passion rose, and he took her, harder, and harder, until her soft whimpers escalated into full fledged moans, as her slender body rose and fell in perfect harmony under his. There was nothing else but the girl he was making love to, to the girl who cried out her love for him, there was no one else in her mind but him, and he was making love to her for the first time, even as tears spilt from his closed eyes, even as he could see his Princess, asleep, and alone.

Dawn arrived, and with it, his sanity.

Zidane rose, looking at the contentedly sleeping girl next to him. Her pale skin was slightly flushed; there was nothing covering either of them, and the suite was so warm, they hadn't been woken up through cold. Tendrils of rich purple hair trailed along her body, embracing it's slim curves, echoing places his hands had touched. . .

He clenched them hard.

You don't deserve this, Eiko, to be treated like this, and I know you'll hate me forever.

He had been so stupid, and now Eiko had paid the price. Without her virginity. . .the honourable thing to do was to marry her, but he was already married.

And he loved Dagger.

And he loved Eiko.

He was so damn selfish. Gently, he picked her up, freezing when she stirred, and murmured incoherently. Her nightgown was torn; no doubt by him. It was bloodstained with her maidenhead, and Zidane simply wadded it up, and tossed it into the fireplace. He turned back the covers on the bed, and gently eased her in. She was exquisite, her face peaceful in slumber, a small unbearably happy smile curving the corners of her full mouth.

You're all grown up.

But no, she was a child still, in her innocence, in her undemanding love. And he had abused both.

He sat watching her for a long time, but when Eiko awoke, she was alone.

Author's Note: Angst, angst, angst, angst. . .Heheh, what did you think? *If you don't know what the hell this section is talking about, go read the second part of "Breathe." Or if I haven't uploaded it yet, it's basically this:

Zidane and everyone are on the way to Memoria to beat the stuffing out of Kuja. Garnet is being angsty, as they wander through memories. They beat the stuffing out of Kuja. They beat up that bloody Necron. Then Zidane decides to stay behind, and Dagger says goodbye to him. The airship takes off, and Dagger is peering over the side, tears in her eyes, when she hears Kuja's voice, whispering "Fly free canary," and she can see him, all bashed up and alone. In case you couldn't tell, Kuja and Garnet have retained some of their mind link from when she was a prisoner in the Desert Palace.

Sorry for the long wait for this chapter; I was REALLY stuck. I hoped you enjoyed this part of "grown", it wasn't as descripty as the first part, but *shrugs* oh well.