"DARIEN YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!" a voice shrieked out, sounding exceedingly violated... oooh this was really NOT good... I leapt up from my nice and cozy chair, dropped my copy of "People" into my coffee (conveniently not noticing the horrid stains that, when I was not running for my life, I'd be forced to clean.) and wildly glanced around in search of a hiding spot. Note to self, never ever EVER give an innocent, sweet, naive woman you love compromising underwear! It's a really bad idea and you may pay for it with your life. I heard her thundering down the stairs and my hunt became a lot more desperate... where to hide!? Where to hide!? Hide! Hide! Was this how a deer felt when it heard a pack of wolves closing in? There had to be a place to hide! ANYWHERE!! Need a hiding place... gotta find a hiding place...NOW! WAIT! What's that? it's... YES! PANTRY!! SCORE!! I dove... completely forgetting that the pantry was filled with shelves and couldn't hold a child, much less a really tall adult. No matter. She was already downstairs. The huntress was in hot pursuit of her prey. Oh god don't let her find me!... nevermind that my legs were still in open air, and one arm was bent at an odd angle coming out. Gotta go back to that toddler ideal that if you can't see a rampaging woman... that woman can't see you... I heard her enter the kitchen and my body froze.. act like you're not there... be still. To all toddlers out there... please realize that this doesn't work... this will never work...and by even trying to hide... you have just worsened the punishment that you are going to be put through...
The doors of the pantry were flung open, and I flailed my arms around crazily like a chicken on crack as I began to fall.
"OOF!!" I choked out as I fell over, a bundle of gorgeous girl pinned beneath me. Serenity's deep blue eyes glared up into mine.
"And you always teased ME about being the klutzy one!" she scoffed. I laughed nervously before my eyes took in the gorgeous lingerie she had yet to change out of.
I didn't notice my jaw detach and drop while my tongue rolled out. You know, the same kind of scene one sees in those old cartoons with that coyote person. I swallowed down a wolf whistle.
She caught sight of what I was staring at and shrieked in embarrassment, her face becoming a darker red than her lingerie.
"I've just realized red is a really good color for you."
"You lech!" she hissed. I gave her a large cheshire cat grin.
"But you love me and my lecherous ways..." I added, nuzzling her neck. She glared at me and tried to push me away. I think we have already covered that this slip of a woman couldn't move a two pound bowling ball, much less a guy nearly a foot taller than her. Mmm...guess the girl didn't learn her lesson. Obviously, her mission was unsuccessful and I stayed right where I was comfortably situated.
"You know..." I started offhandedly. "I think you should get married to me in that." Her eyes quirked up in amusement.
" Only if you wear a thong..." she retorted. I paused in thought, looked into her eyes, looked back at her outfit and grinned devilishly.
"I can live with that."
"A purple shimmery thong." She added desperately, trying to get out of this situation. No go girly, this is your best friend. There isn't any way in hell I'm backing out. I decided to humor her though and pretended to tap my chin in thought. A larger more lecherous grin lit up on my face as I came up with the perfect answer.
"Anything for you darling..." I said in a sickeningly sweet voice. Serenity scowled at me in distaste. I could practically hear the wheels in her head turning as she tried to think of another excuse.
"What about your ushers and best man? We don't want them neglecting their jobs due to them staring at the bride's outfit." I shrugged nonchalantly.
"We'll get them castrated."
"DARIEN!!" she shouted... right in my ear... owwwwwwwww!!!!!!! Note to self, cut fiancees vocal chords out with dull razor. She blushed again.
"Sorry..." She muttered sheepishly. I scowled.
"The things I do for love." I sighed in an overly dramatic way. She groaned.
"Thank the lord your agent decided acting wasn't your strong point." I pouted at her with my pathetic attempt at puppy dog eyes.
"You don't think I'd grace the silver screen with my glorious presence?"
"Mm... what's the term I'm looking for?" She said thoughtfully.
"A riveting performance? Two thumbs up?'
"Oh! I remember now! ... a complete flop! Face it Endy. You suck at acting. And those puppy dog eyes REALLY need some work." I scrunched up my nose at her, noting the sparkling amusement in her eyes. At least she had forgotten about the lingerie-
"And don't think that I have forgotten for one moment about this flimsy excuse for clothing you bought me. I am going to kill you as soon as you get off me." ...damn. I hate it when she does that.
"Then I shan't get up." I crowed in victory, wanting to jump up and dance in glee from the brilliance in that plan! Not only would my body be spared from being ripped to pieces by a paper shredder and left abandoned in a canal, but I could stare at Serenity all the live long day while she was in her lingerie!
"You realize I have to go to work right?"
"No you don't we're filthy stinkin rich." I said in triumph.
"How are we supposed to get married then?" ...Damn. Serenity looked at my face and promptly burst out into giggling. Aha! That gave me time to think of a retort!
"We'll bring the priest here!" I responded, she paused in what looked to be serious thought.
"What shall he wear? If I'm to wear this… and you're wearing a purple thong.. we must have the priest in some sort of... appropriate outfit for this rather... inappropriate occasion." She said smiling.
"Mmm.. maybe boxers with little crosses over them?" I asked rhetorically. We both burst out laughing after a moment of contemplation on a priest wearing boxers to a wedding. With a sigh after letting out all that laughter her eyes were bright and soft, I leaned down pressing my forehead against hers.
"God I love you… What did I ever do to deserve you Sere?" I whispered.
"Nothing, your manager paid me off and it makes a delightful article for People." She responded.
"Remind me to give her a raise..." I said before firmly deciding to stop the conversation by kissing Serenity gently.
As you can tell from this point. Sere and I did live happily ever after, although there were a few up and downs. Such as the famous red lingerie bonfire ….and the stern looks from the priest when I asked the ever important question...
"Boxers or briefs?"
The End!