Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty
By: Neko-chan
A/N: *blink blink* Dang. I never expected so many reviewers for a dorky little chapter.
Bakura: Of course my guide got so many reviews, you idiot! It's because my fans adore me! *smirk smirk*
Fans? But I thought that Yuugi and Yami got all the fans...
Bakura:...¬.¬;; You do realize how much I hate you?
^_^ I love you, too, Baku-chan.
...anyway, lessons number five and six were sent in by Kaori and Cherior. Thank you so much, you guys! Lessons seven and eight are mine...
Bakura: *coughs and glares*
Errrr...I mean, Bakura's. ^_^;; Remember, submissions are welcome! *hint hint nudge wink*
Disclaimer: No own Yu-Gi-Oh!. ;_;
Lesson Number Five: To Find An Actual Use For Cafeteria Food
Amazing, isn't it? I actually found a use for cafeteria food! So, once again, here's the scenario: It's lunchtime, the food doesn't look like it's edible (is it at all?!), and that stupid bully is coming over to your table. He's probably going to ask you for your lunch money, LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES! (Dumb-ass monkey doesn't realize that he should be picking on someone else!)
Aaaaahhhh...but wait! What's that on your plat? Looks like jello, doesn't it? And look at that one right there! It's...pudding. And mashed potatoes and, my all time favorite, soy sauce. (Do you know how HARD it is to get soy sauce out of fabric? If you want to know how much the bill would be, go and ask Yami Yuugi. D...)
So, you actually succumb to the voice in your head (unknown to you, it is your yami telling you to do what you're about to do), take aim...and let your missiles fly. While the bully is cursing you and trying to wipe the gunk from his eyes, run like hell out into the hallway.
Of course, the bully gives chase after you. But you are smarter than the bully (always remember this, this will get your through many mishaps). You lie in wait around a corner; when he comes charging by (stupidly not paying attention to where he's putting those huge feet of his), you trip him. When he's down, you knock him out, and then run like hell.
Lesson Number Six: To Be Or Not To Be...?
For one thing, this lesson works particularly well for those that are...uncomfortable...around the criminally insane. How do I know this? It worked extremely well for me back in ancient Egypt. Anyway, you stop where you are. You look the bully in the eyes. And you laugh.
Vary your laugh to achieve the optimum affect. A low, scary giggle combined with piercing shrieks works best. Trust me on this one, you mortal fools. After all, a yami knows best. If the bully isn't scared off by this point, it'll take more muscle to scare him away.
Walk up to him, still giggling like a yami. (Think of me if you have any trouble. I am, after all, the perfect role model.) Anyway, stare into his/her/its eyes, still giggling. Reading your middle and index finger. When afore mentioned monkey-boy isn't expecting it, use those two fingers to poke him/her/it in the eyes.
When the bully is crying like a baby, kick him in the balls. (See Lesson One for more cross-references.) Then, you run like hell back to your yami, who will chew you out for NOT CALLING HIM LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!!!
Lesson Number Seven: Study Hall
You're in the library. All is quiet. No one is making a peep. That is, until the bully comes into the room and creates mayhem anc chaos and destruction. (Not that there is anything wrong with this, now is there? *glares*) And, once again, that dumb-ass bully has zeroed in on you like a rat attracts fleas. (Not that my aibou resembles a rat or fleas in any way, NOW DOES HE?!)
And, as usual, you refuse to call your yami. (WHY WON'T YOU CALL YOUR YAMI, DAMN IT?!) So, you run and hide, hoping against hope to hide from said bully. No such luck. He chases after you, gaining on you with every step.
But, by some miracle, you manage to pull away from the bully and hid behind a bookcase! You're saved!...but not quite yet. You hear the bully walk into the row next to yours. He's trying to be quiet, but you can hear his heaving breathing and smell his garlic-like smell. (Stinky, aren't they?)
In order to get away from the bully, you do what you're about to do right now. You push the bookcase over. And it falls onto the bully, trapping him underneath row upon row of math books and encyclopedias. The bookcase you tip over starts a domino effect.
Soon you are standing alone with all the other bookcases at your feet, burying the bully under pounds and pounds of books.
Oh, well.
Lesson Number Eight: The Ole' Switcheroo
The bully is coming towards you. You know what to expect--he's beaten you up plenty of times before. But this time...YOU AREN'T GOING TO TAKE HIS CRAP, DAMN IT!!!
'Yous ready to get yer ass kicked, you punk?' he states confidently as he walks up to you like a pansy.
'I'm ready,' you answer back.
'What's gotten into yous today, you wussy?' he growls while taking a closer look at you.
You shrug. 'Nothing's different. I'm just tired of getting beaten up on; that's all.'
'Oh?' he seems skeptical. He has every right to be. He should also be scared. Too bad he doesn't realize that now, huh?
'But, this time, _I_ get to pick how we fight. Is that alright with you?'
'I don't give a damn. I'm gonna kick yer ass, anyway, you scrawny little midget.'
You smile at him. He seems taken aback. You seem...different, somehow. You seem darker, stronger. Scarier. He should be scared.
'I think we should play a game...'
Lesson Number Eight: It's my favorite. It's a yami's favorite lesson, but a hikari's worst nightmare. It's...the ole' switcheroo. Bullies of the world beware when a hikari's yami is on the prowl. YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET _YOUR_ ASSES KICKED!!!
A/N: Well, there's lessons five through eight! If you want more, please remember: R&R!! And send SUBMISSIONS! Please! *chibi eyes* *_* I'd love you aaaaaaaaa~aaaaaaaall...
Also, for all of you who read yaoi ('specially Ryou/Yami Bakura 'n' Yuugi/Yami Yuugi), please check out two of my shounen-ai fics, "Eternity" and "Youth of the Nation." Lots of people like 'em and I would love your input, also! ^_~
Oh, and one of the reviewers (Sarah) thinks that I should write a "Bakura's Guide To Cooking" and/or a "Bakura's Guide to Escaping Yami Yuugi's Wrath." What do you guys think? (Or maybe "Bakura's Guide On How to Become Superior Than a Certain Pharaoh no Baka..." LOL!) Input, once again, please!
And...SUBMISSIONS, please!!! *becomes even more chibified* *_*