Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty
By: Neko-chan
A/N: *shudders* I feel so dirty. I had spent the last two chapters talking about...peace. *makes an icky, yucky face* Blech.
Bakura: *turns green* How do you think _I_ felt??
x.x;;... Ummm...so, everyone gets their wish. After I catch up on some of my fics, I'll be writing all three guides. ^_^;; My younger sister was reading the guide and she says that on top of all that I should also write a "Bakura's Guide to Becoming An Evil Spirit." Gah... So many, many, MANY requests. ;_;
Bakura: Shut up, onna, and just get on with the guide!!
*glares*
Disclaimer: Once again, Neko-chan does not own Yu-Gi-Oh!. So there. ;-p
Ah, yes. _MY_ guide. NOT some silly little aibou (who only rants about peace and justice and all those other BORING things)'s guide. It's _my_ guide. (Heh... Possessive, aren't I? That's what happens when you become a tomb robber. Try it sometime. I recommend it. It's the ultimate profession.)
I know that for the past couple of chapters I've been talking about how to take care of those STUPID bullies of yours, but for the next couple of chapters we'll be using a different...target...for our lessons. And I'm sure you ALL will love this. Trust me.
I have one word for you: Teachers. We all know how disgustingly awful they are. They aren't natural. They just _aren't._ After all, who needs book learning, huh? I don't! I've survived five thousand years without ever having to go to school! And look at how _I_ turned out! Anyway, I'm sure that each of you, in your time around teachers, have come to loathe and despise at LEAST one teacher. You can't honestly tell me that that isn't true.
Neko-chan: *mutters* Barton Bitch... *coughs*
ANYWAY *glares at Neko-chan*, as you can see, there IS at least one teacher you have come to hate. And this is what this section of the guide is for. It's for those wonderful, huggable TEACHERS...or not.
Rule One: There's a reason why Ra created spit balls. Now that you know that, use them wisely. Also aim when the teacher's back is turned and always aim for the hair. (Have you noticed that most female teachers' hair is big and puffy? I mean...as my aibou would say, it's 80's style all over again.) The only time when you DON'T aim for the hair is when your teacher (most of the time it's a guy, but sometimes it IS a female) doesn't _have_ any hair. But most of the time this _does_ work. Just imagine it: Little spit balls floating around in the back of your teacher's head. And she never does seem to realize why everyone is laughing their heads off.
Rule Two: You know those practical joke stuff that's usually in magician shops? (Normally I wouldn't be caught DEAD--wait, I AM dead--in one of those shops, but they really do have some nice stuff. And by nice, I do NOT mean roses and chocolates.) So, to get to the point: Whoopee cushions, fart smells, and those little plastic spiders that look real are YOUR FRIENDS. This is an important lesson to learn, kiddies. They are NOT your enemies. They are your friends. They may betray you if you get caught with them, but they're STILL YOUR FRIENDS. Don't make me pound it into you.
And, always remember this--No matter _what_ you get yourself into, fake vomit can surely get you out. Don't believe me? Well, HOW do you think I always managed to get away from the pharaoh's guards? (Besides the fact that they were idiots...) But, then again, back in ancient Egypt fake vomit wasn't exactly _fake_...
Rule Three: Having a yami is a very good thing. (See previous lessons on bullies and upcoming rules/lessons/scenarios for the teachers.)
Rule Four: Having a "Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty" is an even BETTER thing. (Well, it isn't exactly better than having a yami, but it does come close. But remember--CALL YOUR DAMN YAMI!!!)
These four basic rules will get you through kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, and high school. Why haven't I included college?, you ask. Well, college is beyond my powers. The teachers there are even more evil and Yami Malik and myself. (Don't believe me? Go on a day trip to your local college and THEN tell me that you still don't believe me.)
But, the main question is: What to _do_ with all of these teachers? My answer: That's where _I_ come in. And you better damn well be taking notes on this.