A Breath of New Life
by Bethany
Chapter One
I remember that day as clearly as though it were yesterday; the phone conversation that would change the course of my existence as I knew it. However, at the time, I had no idea of the extent to which it would turn my world upside down.
I fiddled with the phone, restlessly, as I paced the room, eyeing down the clock as if I were ready to pounce my prey. With the cordless in my hand, I sat down on the bed, sliding my toes under the toasty-warm covers as I flicked off the light and stared into the darkness that consumed the silent dwelling.
1:26am: The glowing numbers flickered a few times before disappearing into the dark oblivion, as the wind outside began to howl as if trying to whisper a message. I crawled out of bed and tiptoed over to the bay window, the phone still in my hand, as I gazed outside, seeing nothing but objects blanketed in white, as the wind blew the snow viscously in circles.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I got a chill just staring at the scene. Frederick was safe at his friend's house for the night -- though a comforting thought, it pained me that he did anything to avoid spending the night at home these days. It was unnerving to witness how mature and independent he was at his age, and it made me often question my purpose in his life. I knew what he needed most from me was to let go, yet what I needed most from him, he could no longer give me. There were days when I'd look at him and remember those times he'd crawl up into my lap with a book in hand, begging me to read to him, as we'd snuggle in front of the fireplace. Eventually, he'd start to fall asleep in my lap, as I'd stroked his sandy brown hair and sing him softly into a slumber. I could stare down at that innocent, sleeping face for hours before I'd actually bring him up to his room. Now, I was lucky if I got a glimpse of him before he found himself locked in there, either in front of the computer or television, if he was home at all, that is. I found myself being left alone many nights, as of late. Left in an empty, dark, somber townhouse... left to ponder the decision I had been struggling with the past weeks.
I glanced down at the silhouette of the phone in the darkness. It would be nearly ten-thirty in Seattle. As I hit the talk button, the dial tone echoed throughout the room for several moments before dialing the oddly familiar number. I stood there silently as the phone rang once, twice... and then...
"Hello?"
"Frasier. It's me." I said softly, not wanting to startle him from his groggy state.
"Lilith?" I heard him wrestle about on the other end as he resumed. "Why on earth are you calling me at this hour? It's nearly two in the morning in Boston. Is everything all right?"
"Fine." I blatantly lied. "Everything is fine... I just, well, I couldn't sleep. I needed to talk... to someone. You were the first person who came to mind, so I thought..." I fought to find words. "I woke you, didn't I?" I suddenly felt guilty for having woke him, rambling on over my own manifestations.
"It's okay, Lilith..." He yawned. "Why is it you're calling me?"
I was dead silent. I couldn't find the words to explain to him the ridiculous nature of what I was proposing to do. "Lilith?" He questioned once more.
"I'm sorry..." I suddenly felt vulnerable and didn't know what else to do but apologize. At that point, I hadn't known why I had called him in the first place.
"What's wrong, Lilith?" His voice took on a softer tone, and the concern was transparent. After a moment's hesitation, I voiced the phrase that had haunted me for weeks.
"I want to have a baby."
"You... Excuse me, what?" He gave the only reaction I could have expected from him -- that of shock and bewilderment.
"I want another child." Silence. "I've been contemplating it for some time now." More silence. "Frasier?"
"Wow. You certainly caught me off guard..." His voice trailed off, as if not knowing how else to respond to the subject. "Lilith, I know how Frederick's newfound adolescence has taken a toll on you, and you're experiencing a void that every mother feels at the time of their child's impending adulthood, especially whereas he is your only one... but, do you think this is the rational solution to your problem?"
My heart sank at his accusations, which I may have feared to be true on some level. "Frasier, I realize your concerns. I, too, feared my desire to have another child to be a repercussion of Frederick's 'newfound adolescence.' I do realize he's no longer a child, and as hard as it is, I'm learning to accept that. And it's quite possible that the whole idea of having a baby was prompted by his impending adulthood. However, I assure you that's where it ends. I've thought this through thoroughly, and in my heart I know it's what I want more than anything else in the world. It's a decision I've always considered since Frederick was a small child. You know I've always wanted another baby, and as I get older, the chances of that happening continue to dwindle. I can't keep telling myself, 'Now isn't the time,' or continue believing it will happen when it's 'right.' I'm not getting any younger, Frasier."
The silence now turned awkward. "Do you have a... father picked out yet?"
The ludicrousness of that statement made it almost unbearable to respond. "No, not yet."
"I see you have thought this out thoroughly. Planning a child without a potential father lined up." The sarcasm resonated throughout his voice. "I suppose you also plan on going to one of those ridiculous sperm banks?"
"Well, yes." I gazed out the window in a state of confusion, as I held the phone close to my ear. I stood there, craving some form of validation, or support, in making this life altering decision.
"Lilith... I don't think you should be alone right now." His voice was gentle and for the first time in weeks, the loneliness I felt turned into an overwhelming sense of comfort. "I'll make a few adjustments in my schedule and I will be out there by tomorrow night. We can further this discussion then. Just promise me one thing?"
"What is it?" I whispered, feeling tears burn in the back of my eyes.
"That you'll let me be there for you, no matter what you opt to do. Promise me you won't push me away."
A warm tear slid it's way down my cheek. Smiling, I replied softly. "I promise."
by Bethany
Chapter One
I remember that day as clearly as though it were yesterday; the phone conversation that would change the course of my existence as I knew it. However, at the time, I had no idea of the extent to which it would turn my world upside down.
I fiddled with the phone, restlessly, as I paced the room, eyeing down the clock as if I were ready to pounce my prey. With the cordless in my hand, I sat down on the bed, sliding my toes under the toasty-warm covers as I flicked off the light and stared into the darkness that consumed the silent dwelling.
1:26am: The glowing numbers flickered a few times before disappearing into the dark oblivion, as the wind outside began to howl as if trying to whisper a message. I crawled out of bed and tiptoed over to the bay window, the phone still in my hand, as I gazed outside, seeing nothing but objects blanketed in white, as the wind blew the snow viscously in circles.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I got a chill just staring at the scene. Frederick was safe at his friend's house for the night -- though a comforting thought, it pained me that he did anything to avoid spending the night at home these days. It was unnerving to witness how mature and independent he was at his age, and it made me often question my purpose in his life. I knew what he needed most from me was to let go, yet what I needed most from him, he could no longer give me. There were days when I'd look at him and remember those times he'd crawl up into my lap with a book in hand, begging me to read to him, as we'd snuggle in front of the fireplace. Eventually, he'd start to fall asleep in my lap, as I'd stroked his sandy brown hair and sing him softly into a slumber. I could stare down at that innocent, sleeping face for hours before I'd actually bring him up to his room. Now, I was lucky if I got a glimpse of him before he found himself locked in there, either in front of the computer or television, if he was home at all, that is. I found myself being left alone many nights, as of late. Left in an empty, dark, somber townhouse... left to ponder the decision I had been struggling with the past weeks.
I glanced down at the silhouette of the phone in the darkness. It would be nearly ten-thirty in Seattle. As I hit the talk button, the dial tone echoed throughout the room for several moments before dialing the oddly familiar number. I stood there silently as the phone rang once, twice... and then...
"Hello?"
"Frasier. It's me." I said softly, not wanting to startle him from his groggy state.
"Lilith?" I heard him wrestle about on the other end as he resumed. "Why on earth are you calling me at this hour? It's nearly two in the morning in Boston. Is everything all right?"
"Fine." I blatantly lied. "Everything is fine... I just, well, I couldn't sleep. I needed to talk... to someone. You were the first person who came to mind, so I thought..." I fought to find words. "I woke you, didn't I?" I suddenly felt guilty for having woke him, rambling on over my own manifestations.
"It's okay, Lilith..." He yawned. "Why is it you're calling me?"
I was dead silent. I couldn't find the words to explain to him the ridiculous nature of what I was proposing to do. "Lilith?" He questioned once more.
"I'm sorry..." I suddenly felt vulnerable and didn't know what else to do but apologize. At that point, I hadn't known why I had called him in the first place.
"What's wrong, Lilith?" His voice took on a softer tone, and the concern was transparent. After a moment's hesitation, I voiced the phrase that had haunted me for weeks.
"I want to have a baby."
"You... Excuse me, what?" He gave the only reaction I could have expected from him -- that of shock and bewilderment.
"I want another child." Silence. "I've been contemplating it for some time now." More silence. "Frasier?"
"Wow. You certainly caught me off guard..." His voice trailed off, as if not knowing how else to respond to the subject. "Lilith, I know how Frederick's newfound adolescence has taken a toll on you, and you're experiencing a void that every mother feels at the time of their child's impending adulthood, especially whereas he is your only one... but, do you think this is the rational solution to your problem?"
My heart sank at his accusations, which I may have feared to be true on some level. "Frasier, I realize your concerns. I, too, feared my desire to have another child to be a repercussion of Frederick's 'newfound adolescence.' I do realize he's no longer a child, and as hard as it is, I'm learning to accept that. And it's quite possible that the whole idea of having a baby was prompted by his impending adulthood. However, I assure you that's where it ends. I've thought this through thoroughly, and in my heart I know it's what I want more than anything else in the world. It's a decision I've always considered since Frederick was a small child. You know I've always wanted another baby, and as I get older, the chances of that happening continue to dwindle. I can't keep telling myself, 'Now isn't the time,' or continue believing it will happen when it's 'right.' I'm not getting any younger, Frasier."
The silence now turned awkward. "Do you have a... father picked out yet?"
The ludicrousness of that statement made it almost unbearable to respond. "No, not yet."
"I see you have thought this out thoroughly. Planning a child without a potential father lined up." The sarcasm resonated throughout his voice. "I suppose you also plan on going to one of those ridiculous sperm banks?"
"Well, yes." I gazed out the window in a state of confusion, as I held the phone close to my ear. I stood there, craving some form of validation, or support, in making this life altering decision.
"Lilith... I don't think you should be alone right now." His voice was gentle and for the first time in weeks, the loneliness I felt turned into an overwhelming sense of comfort. "I'll make a few adjustments in my schedule and I will be out there by tomorrow night. We can further this discussion then. Just promise me one thing?"
"What is it?" I whispered, feeling tears burn in the back of my eyes.
"That you'll let me be there for you, no matter what you opt to do. Promise me you won't push me away."
A warm tear slid it's way down my cheek. Smiling, I replied softly. "I promise."