A/N: Hehe, attack of the evil (and somewhat hilarious) plot bunnies! It's amazing what you can come up with during a particularly uninteresting lecture…as a subject, I really don't like geography…Anyway, no prizes for guessing what this is leading to :)

*SLASH* If you don't like it don't read it.

Disclaimer: You know the drill – I don't own them, and I sure as hell won't be making any money out of this.

***

On The Inside (Of A Broom Cupboard)

Chapter 1 – A Thoroughly Evil Plan

***

"Hermione! That's just evil!" Ron said, through an uncharacteristic fit of giggles. Hermione was sitting across from him at their table in the Great Hall, and was looking quite red in the face. Taking one look at her, Ron decided she'd had way too much pumpkin juice and promptly confiscated her goblet.

From all around them came the merry sounds of a traditional Hogwarts Christmas dinner. Seamus and Neville were stuffing themselves alongside the pair, and next to them were Lavender and Parvati. Even Padma, Parvati's Ravenclaw twin, had joined the Gryffindor gang for the holidays. Apart from the odd first year, she was the only Ravenclaw that had remained at Hogwarts.

Harry was also missing, having gone to spend some quality time with Sirius over the winter break. In his absence, Hermione and Ron had taken to planning his love life. It was Hermione, though, that had taken the initiative.

"A broom cupboard? Hermione, that's downright cruel. Poor Harry, I wouldn't wish that on anyone," replied Ron, after listening patiently to her plot. A thoughtful smile played about his lips. "Actually, perhaps a couple of hours alone wouldn't do them any harm…but we'd have to prepare it all first."

Hermione grinned, a slow, deliberate smile that the redhead knew all too well. "We could put a Warding Charm on it, to make sure they aren't disturbed. And it would have to be a weekend, when they wouldn't be missed."

"Can't be a match weekend then, it'd sure be noticed if he didn't show up for a game."

"First week after the holidays, then."

"Geez, I really don't know about this, 'Mione…"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Oh, for heaven's sake Ron! Aren't you sick of them biting each other's heads off at every opportunity? This would be a chance for them to … resolve their differences."

"But a broom cupboard? Is that really necessary? For that matter, what broom cupboard were you thinking of? I can't recall ever seeing any."

"There's one between the potions lab and Filch's office that I thought would do nicely. I'll show you tomorrow, if you want."

"Alright. That's not a yes, but. I just want to see the cupboard."

"So it's a maybe?"

"No! Well, yes, I guess so."

Neville nudged him from the side, and tried to pass a bowl of chicken wings. The topic was immediately changed from Harry and the broom cupboard to Snape's distasteful expression cast at them from the High Table. Conversation continued in such a manner until Hermione became rather indignant when Neville accused her of being tipsy. Ron confiscated the jug of Pumpkin Juice and Banished it all the way to the Slytherin table. However good his intentions might have been his aim was surely not, and the full jug hit Draco Malfoy rather forcefully in the back of the head.

Malfoy rose slowly, and without looking behind him said, "If that was you, Potter, I swear I'm going to…"

Ron cut him off. "Aren't you lucky. It wasn't. In any case, it wasn't intentional. You're just to large a target to miss!" Crabbe and Goyle stood and joined Malfoy, who had turned to face his "attacker". Both looked unusually large and menacing - and undoubtedly ill. Going by the piles of empty platters surrounding their places, Hermione wasn't faintly surprised. She took her wand from a pocket in her robes, and cast a simple cleansing charm that removed the coat of pumpkin juice that still clung to Malfoy.

"So where's Potter, huh? Ditched you, has he? Found his own celebrity clique?" He ignored Hermione's efforts, having noticed that Harry wasn't among the cluster of Gryffindors that hadn't gone home for Christmas.

"What do you think? Are you really so thick that you can't figure out where more than three quarters of the school have gone off to?" Ron's unusually good mood was giving way fast.

"Well, it's not like he has anywhere to go!"

Hermione gave up on the pointless argument. "What would you know, Malfoy? You aren't exactly in a position to comment. Give us a break, we were enjoying our dinner." She glared, and Draco reluctantly retreated.

Ron snickered. "I take it back. This is going to be brilliant!"

***

Harry, perhaps for the first time in his life, wished the holidays would never end. Well, maybe not 'never', but he certainly could have done with a little more than a fortnight. Sirius, during the day, was the father he had never known – in only two weeks, he had made sure Harry had the benefit of all the 'father-son' activities he could come up with. The two of them had gone to all the local Quidditch matches, flipped through magazines full of (gasp!) scantily clad women, and Sirius had taught Harry some new moves on his Firebolt that he was itching to try in his next school match. These lessons were not the only ones Sirius gave Harry; by night, Harry received as much advice and information about girls, dating, and…all that stuff…that he could possibly want to know.

It was such a good, yet unfamiliar experience for Harry. Before meeting Sirius, the only father figure in his life was his professor, Remus Lupin. Even so, Remus had other students apart from Harry to teach, and his time had to be spread around.

In any case, Harry was still on somewhat of a high when he farewelled Sirius at platform nine and three-quarters. The train trip itself was fairly uneventful, with only Dean and a cartful of sweets for company, but his welcome back at Hogwarts was definitely otherwise. Hermione and Ron acted as if they hadn't seen him for months, the former hugging and talking at him incessantly, the latter attempting to drag him off to the Gryffindor Tower to show off the Complete Quidditch Supplies kit he had received from an anonymous 'sponsor'.

Draco Malfoy was another member of his welcome committee, if only to see his first-year cousin off the train. He greeted Harry with a cool sneer and a snide comment about the extent and background of his family. Harry ignored him, and followed his friends into the castle.

***

It only took a few days for Harry to be certain that something was going on. If the knowing glances exchanged every so often by Ron and Hermione were any clue, Harry was sure they hadn't been bored over the holidays. He wondered what they might have gotten up to, then slapped himself on the forehead and muttered something about 'thinking bad thoughts'. His two friends only looked at each other again, and then at Harry.

He was beginning to feel quite scared.