Title: Longing for shelter
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Jess's life in New York and the reasons why he was send
to Stars Hollow.. According to me, that is.
AUTHORS NOTE: This is for an old friend...That taught me a thing or
two about the dark side of life.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
--------------------------------------
Looking for shelter
by: Jessica
----------------------
She has finally fallen asleep.
It's seven a clock in the evening.
I know that she will get up at three.
But until then she will sleep.
Try to get rid of the alcohol that ways her down.
The bottle sits under her bed, calling to me.
I want to throw it out the window.
But I know that it's no use.
What's the point?
She will only take another.
He's sleeping on the couch in the living room.
Dressed in jeans.
He's sleeping with his mouth open.
I think his name is Carl.
But I'm not sure.
It's getting harder to know their names.
They are so many.
I stand in the doorway to her room, watching her sleep.
My job is getting her to bed.
My mother.
Every night is the same.
She starts drinking as soon as she gets home from work.
She drinks until she passes out.
Then I take over.
I make up her bed.
Then I carry her or drag her to bed.
Lay her down.
Stroke her cheek.
She mumbles something.
Then she is gone.
And leaves me here alone.
It's getting darker outside.
I go to my room and change my clothes.
Then I leave.
The sounds of the night bring my soul comfort.
I take a sip from the bottle.
Vodka.
I took it from my mother.
She will not notice.
She never notices.
We sit in an apartment in the middle of nowhere.
Dean, Mike and me.
They used to call us the three musketeers.
These days they call us losers.
We are seldom at school.
We drift around town, looking for thrills were we could find them.
Tonight we found this place.
The owner of the apartment is some guy that Mike knows.
I don't care.
At least I have shelter for the night.
She is at my side.
Some girl called Anne or Annie.
I don't care.
I take another sip and let the vodka fill me veins.
My mouth finds hers.
And I fall.
I let myself be taken.
It's around five in the morning when I open the door to the apartment.
It's quite.
I close the door behind me.
Then he appears in the doorway to the living room.
Carl, or something.
Bottle in one hand.
Cigarette in the other.
"Where have you been?"
"What's it to you?"
I walk past him but he grabs my arm, hard.
"Everything."
"Let go."
"No! Tell me!"
He stinks.
His eyes pierce into me and I know.
I just know what is going to happen.
But I don't care.
I have been here so many times before.
"Nowhere!"
He makes a fist.
I can see in the corner of my eye.
I'm not afraid.
I have learned to not be afraid.
The first blow.
Hard.
On the cheek.
I fall backwards, against the wall.
I taste blood.
Pain.
I ignore it.
He comes at me, screaming something that I will listen to him.
He is big.
Huge.
Strong.
I manage to duck from the second blow.
I want to run but he manages to grab me.
He throws me against the wall.
Hard.
I hit my head.
Seeing stars.
He comes at me a second time.
Two quick blows, a kick.
Then I'm down.
He screams.
Devil.
He must be the devil.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Then she appears in the doorway.
My mother.
She screams my name.
His name.
She comes at him.
Fists raised.
She bangs at him.
He turns to her.
Rage fills his eyes.
This devil that came into our home.
He hits her two times.
Then she is down.
Bleeding from the nose.
Crying.
I rise.
My legs fills week.
Every part of my body is aching.
I ignore it.
Rage fills me.
Hate.
Anger.
I don't care anymore.
Let death come.
See if I care.
What else can happen?
Fist.
I hit him once.
Twice.
Three times.
He stumbles backwards.
But he's too big for me.
I'm only seventeen.
Not so strong.
Not big.
He laughs at me.
Spits at my effort to protect my mother.
I don't want to cry.
I will not give him the satisfaction.
My hands hurt.
Trying to hurt him.
Trying to hurt the devil.
He stands before me.
Saying something.
Calling me loser.
I have heard those words so many times before.
I'm beginning to believe in them now.
Maybe they are right.
Maybe this is me.
Maybe things can't get any better than this.
My eyes meet his and I know.
I can feel.
The truth.
The last blow hits me across the face
and I fall.
Darkness all around.
The police came thirty minutes later and took him away.
They brought my mother and I to the ER.
We have been there so many times before so you think we would know the
drill by now.
Then the police came.
Asking if we wanted to press charges.
My mother said no.
It was an accident.
I wanted to scream.
I looked from my mother to the police officer and for a moment I wanted
to tell the truth.
But what would be the point?
There will always be another Carl.
Another devil.
I can't stop this alone.
I say no.
An accident.
I fell.
They know that I'm lying.
They know the truth.
The black eye tells another story.
The busted lip.
The bruises.
I look away.
I can't face them.
They can't help me.
No one can.
I take my mother under the arm to go home.
Back to the life again.
The life I hate.
"I need a drink."
That is the first thing she says as we get home.
She goes in to the kitchen and emerges with a drink in her hand.
Back to normal again.
I sigh and sit down on the couch.
My body is aching.
I'm so tired.
So tired of playing this game with death.
I have never felt so alone as I do now.
"This will be hard to cover up."
She is standing in front of the mirror in the hallway looking at
her black eye.
She is been here before.
Too many times.
She knows it by heart.
It's her life.
She has accepted that things can't get better.
Only worse.
I know he will be out tomorrow.
He will come back.
She will let him back into our life's.
He gives her what she wants.
Comfort.
Money.
Booze.
To forget the world for a while.
She sits down opposite me and looks at me:
"You better stay home from school today."
I want to scream.
Run.
Run.
I look at my mother and for the first time I hate her.
I hate my mother.
For the lack of love.
For everything.
That she didn't stop him.
I want to scream.
But I keep quiet.
As I always do.
No point.
I rise and walk into my room.
I lay down on my bed.
Feeling so damn tired.
I close my eyes and let my dreams take me away.
He came the next evening around six.
He came for his things.
Said it was no point in staying.
My mother cried.
Begged him to stay.
She was drunk again.
He looked at her and laughed.
He spit at her when she said that she loved him.
Then he was gone.
My mother was sitting on the floor by the door.
I went to her.
I held her.
Whispered words of comfort.
Rocked her.
She fell asleep in my arms.
I stroke her cheek and whispered that everything is going to be all
right.
I prayed I was right.
It happened two weeks after Carl had left us.
I was off looking for thrills were I could find them.
Stealing was the reason.
Mike was with me.
He managed to get away but I was too slow or maybe it was just my time.
The officer that came for me was huge.
Like a house.
They brought me down to the station.
Called my mother.
She came two hours later.
Angry.
She pulled me to my feet.
Screaming that she was losing money because of me.
I made bail.
She brought me home.
I listened as she screamed and yelled.
She called me a loser.
Wanted to know why.
I said I didn't know why.
But I did.
I wanted her to see me.
To actually see me.
But she was as blind as always.
I had been arrested for stealing a cd.
The owner dropped the charges as soon as he got the cd back and my
mother had a talk with him.
I expected she slept with him.
I know my mother.
Nothing is below her.
Not anymore.
I was sitting on the couch watching a movie when she got home.
"Pack your bags!"
"What for?"
"You're leaving."
"Why?"
"You know why."
"Because of..?"
"Yes."
"They got the wrong guy. It was Mike."
"Oh, let it go Jess. I know. And I'm so tired of this."
"Tired of what?"
"This!"
"What this?"
"They called from the school today. They said you haven't been in
class for two weeks now. Jess, is that true?"
"Yeah, but why do you care?"
"Because you are my son!"
"Since, when?"
"What is that suppose to mean?"
"I thought I was your cleaner, your bodyguard.."
"Jess.."
"What? If you want to blame someone for what happened, blame
yourself, mother."
"Jess."
"No. I'm tired of this. I have needed a mother for seventeen years
but you have never been there for me."
"Haven't I given you everything that you wanted?"
"You great at that. Clearing your conscience with gifts."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You're a alcoholic, mother dear."
"No, I'm not."
"Please, you have been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember."
"I admit that I take a drink or two when I got home. But only to
make me relaxed."
I laughed.
"A drink or two. You drink until you pass out and who cleans up
after you? Who gets you to bed? I DO!"
"Jess, you're being ridiculous."
"I'm being ridiculous! That's fresh. You are standing here trying
to rationalize your drinking."
"Go to you room. You are leaving today!"
Rage filled my veins.
Hate.
"Where am I going?"
"Stars Hollow. To your uncle Luke."
"What if I say no?"
"I give you a choice here. Either you go to Luke otherwise I will
throw you out on the street."
I starred at my mother.
As I stood there I realized that I didn't know her at all.
And I didn't want to.
Without saying a word I went to my room and packed my bag.
Then I walked to the front door and opened it.
I looked back at her.
She was standing in the doorway to the living room.
A drink in one hand.
"I'll send the rest of your things later."
Then she turned around and walked away.
No goodbye.
No hugs.
No smile.
I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up.
I didn't say goodbye.
I just turned around and walked away.
I never looked back.
--------------------------------------------
FEEDBACK___j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Jess's life in New York and the reasons why he was send
to Stars Hollow.. According to me, that is.
AUTHORS NOTE: This is for an old friend...That taught me a thing or
two about the dark side of life.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
--------------------------------------
Looking for shelter
by: Jessica
----------------------
She has finally fallen asleep.
It's seven a clock in the evening.
I know that she will get up at three.
But until then she will sleep.
Try to get rid of the alcohol that ways her down.
The bottle sits under her bed, calling to me.
I want to throw it out the window.
But I know that it's no use.
What's the point?
She will only take another.
He's sleeping on the couch in the living room.
Dressed in jeans.
He's sleeping with his mouth open.
I think his name is Carl.
But I'm not sure.
It's getting harder to know their names.
They are so many.
I stand in the doorway to her room, watching her sleep.
My job is getting her to bed.
My mother.
Every night is the same.
She starts drinking as soon as she gets home from work.
She drinks until she passes out.
Then I take over.
I make up her bed.
Then I carry her or drag her to bed.
Lay her down.
Stroke her cheek.
She mumbles something.
Then she is gone.
And leaves me here alone.
It's getting darker outside.
I go to my room and change my clothes.
Then I leave.
The sounds of the night bring my soul comfort.
I take a sip from the bottle.
Vodka.
I took it from my mother.
She will not notice.
She never notices.
We sit in an apartment in the middle of nowhere.
Dean, Mike and me.
They used to call us the three musketeers.
These days they call us losers.
We are seldom at school.
We drift around town, looking for thrills were we could find them.
Tonight we found this place.
The owner of the apartment is some guy that Mike knows.
I don't care.
At least I have shelter for the night.
She is at my side.
Some girl called Anne or Annie.
I don't care.
I take another sip and let the vodka fill me veins.
My mouth finds hers.
And I fall.
I let myself be taken.
It's around five in the morning when I open the door to the apartment.
It's quite.
I close the door behind me.
Then he appears in the doorway to the living room.
Carl, or something.
Bottle in one hand.
Cigarette in the other.
"Where have you been?"
"What's it to you?"
I walk past him but he grabs my arm, hard.
"Everything."
"Let go."
"No! Tell me!"
He stinks.
His eyes pierce into me and I know.
I just know what is going to happen.
But I don't care.
I have been here so many times before.
"Nowhere!"
He makes a fist.
I can see in the corner of my eye.
I'm not afraid.
I have learned to not be afraid.
The first blow.
Hard.
On the cheek.
I fall backwards, against the wall.
I taste blood.
Pain.
I ignore it.
He comes at me, screaming something that I will listen to him.
He is big.
Huge.
Strong.
I manage to duck from the second blow.
I want to run but he manages to grab me.
He throws me against the wall.
Hard.
I hit my head.
Seeing stars.
He comes at me a second time.
Two quick blows, a kick.
Then I'm down.
He screams.
Devil.
He must be the devil.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Then she appears in the doorway.
My mother.
She screams my name.
His name.
She comes at him.
Fists raised.
She bangs at him.
He turns to her.
Rage fills his eyes.
This devil that came into our home.
He hits her two times.
Then she is down.
Bleeding from the nose.
Crying.
I rise.
My legs fills week.
Every part of my body is aching.
I ignore it.
Rage fills me.
Hate.
Anger.
I don't care anymore.
Let death come.
See if I care.
What else can happen?
Fist.
I hit him once.
Twice.
Three times.
He stumbles backwards.
But he's too big for me.
I'm only seventeen.
Not so strong.
Not big.
He laughs at me.
Spits at my effort to protect my mother.
I don't want to cry.
I will not give him the satisfaction.
My hands hurt.
Trying to hurt him.
Trying to hurt the devil.
He stands before me.
Saying something.
Calling me loser.
I have heard those words so many times before.
I'm beginning to believe in them now.
Maybe they are right.
Maybe this is me.
Maybe things can't get any better than this.
My eyes meet his and I know.
I can feel.
The truth.
The last blow hits me across the face
and I fall.
Darkness all around.
The police came thirty minutes later and took him away.
They brought my mother and I to the ER.
We have been there so many times before so you think we would know the
drill by now.
Then the police came.
Asking if we wanted to press charges.
My mother said no.
It was an accident.
I wanted to scream.
I looked from my mother to the police officer and for a moment I wanted
to tell the truth.
But what would be the point?
There will always be another Carl.
Another devil.
I can't stop this alone.
I say no.
An accident.
I fell.
They know that I'm lying.
They know the truth.
The black eye tells another story.
The busted lip.
The bruises.
I look away.
I can't face them.
They can't help me.
No one can.
I take my mother under the arm to go home.
Back to the life again.
The life I hate.
"I need a drink."
That is the first thing she says as we get home.
She goes in to the kitchen and emerges with a drink in her hand.
Back to normal again.
I sigh and sit down on the couch.
My body is aching.
I'm so tired.
So tired of playing this game with death.
I have never felt so alone as I do now.
"This will be hard to cover up."
She is standing in front of the mirror in the hallway looking at
her black eye.
She is been here before.
Too many times.
She knows it by heart.
It's her life.
She has accepted that things can't get better.
Only worse.
I know he will be out tomorrow.
He will come back.
She will let him back into our life's.
He gives her what she wants.
Comfort.
Money.
Booze.
To forget the world for a while.
She sits down opposite me and looks at me:
"You better stay home from school today."
I want to scream.
Run.
Run.
I look at my mother and for the first time I hate her.
I hate my mother.
For the lack of love.
For everything.
That she didn't stop him.
I want to scream.
But I keep quiet.
As I always do.
No point.
I rise and walk into my room.
I lay down on my bed.
Feeling so damn tired.
I close my eyes and let my dreams take me away.
He came the next evening around six.
He came for his things.
Said it was no point in staying.
My mother cried.
Begged him to stay.
She was drunk again.
He looked at her and laughed.
He spit at her when she said that she loved him.
Then he was gone.
My mother was sitting on the floor by the door.
I went to her.
I held her.
Whispered words of comfort.
Rocked her.
She fell asleep in my arms.
I stroke her cheek and whispered that everything is going to be all
right.
I prayed I was right.
It happened two weeks after Carl had left us.
I was off looking for thrills were I could find them.
Stealing was the reason.
Mike was with me.
He managed to get away but I was too slow or maybe it was just my time.
The officer that came for me was huge.
Like a house.
They brought me down to the station.
Called my mother.
She came two hours later.
Angry.
She pulled me to my feet.
Screaming that she was losing money because of me.
I made bail.
She brought me home.
I listened as she screamed and yelled.
She called me a loser.
Wanted to know why.
I said I didn't know why.
But I did.
I wanted her to see me.
To actually see me.
But she was as blind as always.
I had been arrested for stealing a cd.
The owner dropped the charges as soon as he got the cd back and my
mother had a talk with him.
I expected she slept with him.
I know my mother.
Nothing is below her.
Not anymore.
I was sitting on the couch watching a movie when she got home.
"Pack your bags!"
"What for?"
"You're leaving."
"Why?"
"You know why."
"Because of..?"
"Yes."
"They got the wrong guy. It was Mike."
"Oh, let it go Jess. I know. And I'm so tired of this."
"Tired of what?"
"This!"
"What this?"
"They called from the school today. They said you haven't been in
class for two weeks now. Jess, is that true?"
"Yeah, but why do you care?"
"Because you are my son!"
"Since, when?"
"What is that suppose to mean?"
"I thought I was your cleaner, your bodyguard.."
"Jess.."
"What? If you want to blame someone for what happened, blame
yourself, mother."
"Jess."
"No. I'm tired of this. I have needed a mother for seventeen years
but you have never been there for me."
"Haven't I given you everything that you wanted?"
"You great at that. Clearing your conscience with gifts."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You're a alcoholic, mother dear."
"No, I'm not."
"Please, you have been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember."
"I admit that I take a drink or two when I got home. But only to
make me relaxed."
I laughed.
"A drink or two. You drink until you pass out and who cleans up
after you? Who gets you to bed? I DO!"
"Jess, you're being ridiculous."
"I'm being ridiculous! That's fresh. You are standing here trying
to rationalize your drinking."
"Go to you room. You are leaving today!"
Rage filled my veins.
Hate.
"Where am I going?"
"Stars Hollow. To your uncle Luke."
"What if I say no?"
"I give you a choice here. Either you go to Luke otherwise I will
throw you out on the street."
I starred at my mother.
As I stood there I realized that I didn't know her at all.
And I didn't want to.
Without saying a word I went to my room and packed my bag.
Then I walked to the front door and opened it.
I looked back at her.
She was standing in the doorway to the living room.
A drink in one hand.
"I'll send the rest of your things later."
Then she turned around and walked away.
No goodbye.
No hugs.
No smile.
I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up.
I didn't say goodbye.
I just turned around and walked away.
I never looked back.
--------------------------------------------
FEEDBACK___j_rothen@yahoo.se