TITLE: I Grieve With Thee
AUTHOR: M.Edison
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL: medison@thezone.net
PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Yes, just let me know.
CATEGORY: Gen
RATINGS/WARNINGS: PG
KEYWORDS: Hoshi, Trip, T'Pol, 1st Person, Tu/S UST, Angst
CHALLENGE IN A CAN WORDS: Chronometer, Starfleet, Agony
CHALLENGE RESPONSE: LD Phrase challenge: Words can't describe how I feel
right now.
SUMMARY: Hoshi deals with the consequences of being so far from home...with
a little help.
DISCLAIMER: Enterprise and all its crew belong to Paramount and many, many
guys in suits. Not I, *pouts*
Many thanks to the wonderful Istamae for the beta!
"I Grieve With Thee"
by M.
-------
Words can't describe how I feel right now. No one could put a voice to it,
not even me. I have literally hundreds of languages at my disposal but
nothing even comes close. Nothing can compare to my sorrow.
A glance at the chronometer tells me I might as well forget about sleep for
the night, I won't be getting any. So, with a sigh, I throw back the covers
and get out of bed. If I can't sleep, I might as well be doing something
with the time.
Sliding my feet into my *very* non-regulation fuzzy slippers, I grab a PADD
and my robe. I hope that Chef doesn't mind me raiding the galley, I need
comfort food.
-----
You know what the best part is about the mess hall at 0200 hours? It's
almost always empty. The night shift only comes in once to eat their lunch
but they've already been through here tonight so I know I have a few hours
of guaranteed peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet is good. Peace and quiet means I can have the one thing I
crave right now, a good cry into a steaming hot mug of cocoa.
Numbly, I go through the motions of preparing it then retreat to the most
isolated corner of the room. Curling up on a chair, I set the PADD on the
table next to the mug and draw my knees up to my chest.
Resting my head on my knees, I give into the agony of my heart and begin to
sob quietly.
I wish I could go home.
"Ensign?" T'Pol's soft voice is pitched low in deference to the hour but I'm
startled nevertheless.
"Su...Sub-Commander," Hurriedly wiping at my cheeks with the backs of my
hands, I jump to my feet. "I didn't hear you come in."
"I'm sorry to disturb you," She apologizes sincerely, turning to go. I begin
to sigh in relief but she stops, regarding me with a concerned gaze.
"Something troubles you?"
Give the Vulcan a prize, I think sourly, surprising myself with the
bitterness of the thought. But, perhaps, I shouldn't be surprised. Since I
talked with home, my emotions have been all over the galactic map.
"Hoshi?" T'Pol insists, moving closer. "You've been crying."
I've never been one to assume I can predict how a Vulcan is feeling, if they
do indeed feel, but I honestly think I'm seeing genuine worry for me in her
eyes, though, I'm sure she wouldn't call it that. Nevertheless, I do need to
talk to someone, why not T'Pol? She's the one person aboard ship I can be
sure won't repeat a word.
"My..." A sob catches in my throat, threatening to cut off my speech and I
push on. "My mother called...with news."
"This news," T'Pol moves to stand before me. "I'm to understand it was not
good?"
I briefly shake my head. In Vulcan, somehow that makes it easier to voice
the words, I confess, "My grandfather died two days ago."
The words seem to have a profound affect on her and she drops her gaze for a
long moment. Watching her, I'm struck by the feeling that this is her way of
honoring the death of a man she's never even heard of before today, the
gesture is surprisingly touching. After this pause, T'Pol looks at me and,
also in Vulcan, murmurs a ritual phrase I've read before but never
comprehended the immenseness of. "I grieve with thee."
The sincerity of her words takes them to a whole new level of respect in my
mind while bringing fresh tears to my eyes. I lower my head, fighting them
back. "The memorial service is this morning."
"And you are unable to attend." Her tone is markedly sympathetic and I start
to wonder where the real T'Pol is. This woman seems much more conciliatory
than the Sub-Commander I deal with daily on the bridge. "No doubt, you find
this most distressing."
"Most." I agree, resisting the urge to sniffle. It's bad enough that she's
seen me like this, I refuse to lose anymore of what little dignity I have
left to me. "I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye."
T'Pol doesn't say anything and, as the silence stretches out between us, I
begin to think I've offended her. I'm finally working up the courage to ask
when she speaks, "I do not understand humanity's concept of the afterlife as
I have not had the opportunity to research the subject. But, unless I am
mistaken, physical proximity to the decedent's corporeal form is unnecessary
when one is attempting to communicate with his or her essence. In fact, if I
am correct, was not the concept of 'heaven' considered to be among the
stars?"
She pauses there, obviously waiting for my answer, and I nod slowly.
Secure in this confirmation, T"Pol continues. "With this information, Hoshi,
the most logical conclusion would be that you, more so than your family on
Earth, are in the better position to, as you mentioned, say goodbye."
Typically Vulcan, now that she's said what she wanted to say, T'Pol turns
and intending to leave me with my thoughts.
"T'Pol?" I'm not even sure I've spoken until she turns back, waiting. "Thank
you."
She nods once then, without responding, departs the mess hall while I pick
up my cocoa and turn my gaze to the stars.
-----
Y'know, I never noticed it before t'night, but that door chime is damn
irritating. 'Specially at three a.m. Whoever's out there can wait, this
isn't a ship wide emergency. If it was, Hoshi'd be on the Comm and her
voice's a lot more pleasant to my ears than that chime.
Speaking of, the damn thing is still chirping away. Sounds like some pigeon
on narcotics. With a groan, I kick off the covers and get out of bed.
Whoever's out there better have a damn good reason or I'm gonna drop kick
'em out the nearest airlock.
Well, well, well, look who it is. Sub-Commander T'Pain-In-The-Ass. Looking
as composed and alert as if this were the middle of the day, not the damn
night. "What do you want?" I growl, rubbing my eyes and squinting at the
light.
"My apologies, Commander," She replies, clasping her hands behind her.
"T'Pol," I frown crookedly at her, still a little drowsy. "It's 3-somethin'
in the morning. This'd better be good."
She frowns ever-so-slightly. "It is not, 'good', however, I can assure you
it is a matter of great importance."
Smothering a yawn, I fold my arms across my chest and lean against the door.
"What is it?"
T'Pol drops her gaze, unsure of how to proceed, then says simply. "There is
a situation in the mess hall that requires your immediate attention."
It's on the tip of my tongue to ask what the hell she means but our
illustrious Sub-Commander doesn't seem to see any need for further
discussion. She nods quickly and does an about face, with such precision
it'd have any drill instructor in tears, and walks away.
"A situation in the mess hall?" What the hell did she mean by that? I shake
off the conversation, planning to go back to bed, and start to step back
into my quarters when I stop. Aw hell, I'm up, might as well go see what's
got her ladyship disturbing the sleep of unsuspecting Starfleet officers.
She did say it was important.
-------
T'Pol was right, I may not be able to get home to attend the memorial but I
can say goodbye here. Looking out at the stars, it almost feels like he's
here with me.
"Bye, Grandfather," My voice is barely audible as I press a hand against the
viewport and stare out into space.
"Hoshi?"
Trip?
Briefly, I close my eyes, as if I can will him to leave the room by that
act. Without looking, I track his progress across the room, his footfalls
light. Hesitant.
"You ok?" Oh please, Trip, leave. Please leave. T'Pol, I could handle, she
cloaks her concern in logic and non-emotionalism but you? I can't handle the
worry in your voice.
"Fine." I mumble quietly, not daring to meet his gaze. If I do, I know I
won't be able to hold it in.
Please, Trip, just leave.
---------
Looks like T'Pol was right, there is something important in the mess hall.
Hoshi. "You're not fine, darlin'," I murmur softly, resting a hand on her
shoulder and turning her to face me. Her form is stiff and unyielding under
my hand and her gaze is fixed intently on the floor.
"I'm just tired," she mumbles, doggedly refusing to look up.
"If you were tired," I point out with a smile. "You'd be in your quarters."
I brush my fingertips along her cheek, feeling the moisture of tears. "You
wouldn't be cryin' either." Placing a crooked finger beneath her chin, I
gently, but firmly, lift her gaze to meet mine. "C'mon, Hoshi, it's me,
Trip, you can tell me what's wrong."
She meets my questioning gaze with her own captivating eyes and, in a broken
voice, she relates to me the news from home. News of the loss of her
grandfather. It doesn't stop there, soon she is detailing her own feelings
about missing the funeral, her own grief, and even about T'Pol's attempt to
console her.
By the time she's done, I'm leaning back against the wall with her wrapped
in my arms and perfectly content to let her stay there as long as she wants.
I'll be honest, I feel Hoshi's pain intensely yes, but I can't help but
notice she fits perfectly.
It seems, as soon as she's finished talking, the tears begin. She rests her
head against my chest, her slim form shaking slightly as she silently cries.
"Aww, darlin'," Sighing softly, I cuddle her closer, rubbing her back in an
age old gesture of comfort. "Just let it out." This is, by far, the most
heartbreaking scene I've ever witnessed. Hoshi doesn't make a sound as she
cries. If it wasn't for the fact her tears are soaking through my shirt, and
the soft shudders as she sobs, I wouldn't know she was crying. Weeping.
Resting my cheek against the dark satin of her hair, I murmur soothing
phrases, wishing intently I could absorb her pain as easily as my shirt
absorbs the moisture of her tears. But, since I can't, I'm going to do the
only thing I can. And that's stay by her side as long as she wants me here.
-------
It's hard to believe that just a few minutes ago, I was silently pleading
with him to leave, now, I can't imagine him ever letting go.
It feels so good just to cry, to let go, a pure release of emotion, I don't
have to pretend with Trip. There's no shame in losing myself in my pain, no
loss of dignity in accepting comfort. No need to feel guilty about being
human or enjoying the chance to be in Trip's arms. There's just the simple
solace and understanding of human comfort and I'm glorying in it.
But, in doing so, I've no wish to diminish what T'Pol did for me. In her own
Vulcan way, she conveyed her sympathy and consolation with that
uncomplicated and eloquent phrase.
I grieve with thee.
In this situation, despite my own pain, I've had a rare opportunity to see
two cultures expressing their sympathies in unique ways and achieving the
same result.
I feel better. It will take some time to accept the grief and loss but I do
feel better. I know I won't be there to attend the service or see my parents
but I have said my goodbyes and I have the support of my friends. My family.
A strange and unusual family they may be but their caring is undeniable and
it is a balm to my soul.
Goodbye, Grandfather, may you find the same peace among the stars that I
have.
Finis
AUTHOR: M.Edison
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL: medison@thezone.net
PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Yes, just let me know.
CATEGORY: Gen
RATINGS/WARNINGS: PG
KEYWORDS: Hoshi, Trip, T'Pol, 1st Person, Tu/S UST, Angst
CHALLENGE IN A CAN WORDS: Chronometer, Starfleet, Agony
CHALLENGE RESPONSE: LD Phrase challenge: Words can't describe how I feel
right now.
SUMMARY: Hoshi deals with the consequences of being so far from home...with
a little help.
DISCLAIMER: Enterprise and all its crew belong to Paramount and many, many
guys in suits. Not I, *pouts*
Many thanks to the wonderful Istamae for the beta!
"I Grieve With Thee"
by M.
-------
Words can't describe how I feel right now. No one could put a voice to it,
not even me. I have literally hundreds of languages at my disposal but
nothing even comes close. Nothing can compare to my sorrow.
A glance at the chronometer tells me I might as well forget about sleep for
the night, I won't be getting any. So, with a sigh, I throw back the covers
and get out of bed. If I can't sleep, I might as well be doing something
with the time.
Sliding my feet into my *very* non-regulation fuzzy slippers, I grab a PADD
and my robe. I hope that Chef doesn't mind me raiding the galley, I need
comfort food.
-----
You know what the best part is about the mess hall at 0200 hours? It's
almost always empty. The night shift only comes in once to eat their lunch
but they've already been through here tonight so I know I have a few hours
of guaranteed peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet is good. Peace and quiet means I can have the one thing I
crave right now, a good cry into a steaming hot mug of cocoa.
Numbly, I go through the motions of preparing it then retreat to the most
isolated corner of the room. Curling up on a chair, I set the PADD on the
table next to the mug and draw my knees up to my chest.
Resting my head on my knees, I give into the agony of my heart and begin to
sob quietly.
I wish I could go home.
"Ensign?" T'Pol's soft voice is pitched low in deference to the hour but I'm
startled nevertheless.
"Su...Sub-Commander," Hurriedly wiping at my cheeks with the backs of my
hands, I jump to my feet. "I didn't hear you come in."
"I'm sorry to disturb you," She apologizes sincerely, turning to go. I begin
to sigh in relief but she stops, regarding me with a concerned gaze.
"Something troubles you?"
Give the Vulcan a prize, I think sourly, surprising myself with the
bitterness of the thought. But, perhaps, I shouldn't be surprised. Since I
talked with home, my emotions have been all over the galactic map.
"Hoshi?" T'Pol insists, moving closer. "You've been crying."
I've never been one to assume I can predict how a Vulcan is feeling, if they
do indeed feel, but I honestly think I'm seeing genuine worry for me in her
eyes, though, I'm sure she wouldn't call it that. Nevertheless, I do need to
talk to someone, why not T'Pol? She's the one person aboard ship I can be
sure won't repeat a word.
"My..." A sob catches in my throat, threatening to cut off my speech and I
push on. "My mother called...with news."
"This news," T'Pol moves to stand before me. "I'm to understand it was not
good?"
I briefly shake my head. In Vulcan, somehow that makes it easier to voice
the words, I confess, "My grandfather died two days ago."
The words seem to have a profound affect on her and she drops her gaze for a
long moment. Watching her, I'm struck by the feeling that this is her way of
honoring the death of a man she's never even heard of before today, the
gesture is surprisingly touching. After this pause, T'Pol looks at me and,
also in Vulcan, murmurs a ritual phrase I've read before but never
comprehended the immenseness of. "I grieve with thee."
The sincerity of her words takes them to a whole new level of respect in my
mind while bringing fresh tears to my eyes. I lower my head, fighting them
back. "The memorial service is this morning."
"And you are unable to attend." Her tone is markedly sympathetic and I start
to wonder where the real T'Pol is. This woman seems much more conciliatory
than the Sub-Commander I deal with daily on the bridge. "No doubt, you find
this most distressing."
"Most." I agree, resisting the urge to sniffle. It's bad enough that she's
seen me like this, I refuse to lose anymore of what little dignity I have
left to me. "I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye."
T'Pol doesn't say anything and, as the silence stretches out between us, I
begin to think I've offended her. I'm finally working up the courage to ask
when she speaks, "I do not understand humanity's concept of the afterlife as
I have not had the opportunity to research the subject. But, unless I am
mistaken, physical proximity to the decedent's corporeal form is unnecessary
when one is attempting to communicate with his or her essence. In fact, if I
am correct, was not the concept of 'heaven' considered to be among the
stars?"
She pauses there, obviously waiting for my answer, and I nod slowly.
Secure in this confirmation, T"Pol continues. "With this information, Hoshi,
the most logical conclusion would be that you, more so than your family on
Earth, are in the better position to, as you mentioned, say goodbye."
Typically Vulcan, now that she's said what she wanted to say, T'Pol turns
and intending to leave me with my thoughts.
"T'Pol?" I'm not even sure I've spoken until she turns back, waiting. "Thank
you."
She nods once then, without responding, departs the mess hall while I pick
up my cocoa and turn my gaze to the stars.
-----
Y'know, I never noticed it before t'night, but that door chime is damn
irritating. 'Specially at three a.m. Whoever's out there can wait, this
isn't a ship wide emergency. If it was, Hoshi'd be on the Comm and her
voice's a lot more pleasant to my ears than that chime.
Speaking of, the damn thing is still chirping away. Sounds like some pigeon
on narcotics. With a groan, I kick off the covers and get out of bed.
Whoever's out there better have a damn good reason or I'm gonna drop kick
'em out the nearest airlock.
Well, well, well, look who it is. Sub-Commander T'Pain-In-The-Ass. Looking
as composed and alert as if this were the middle of the day, not the damn
night. "What do you want?" I growl, rubbing my eyes and squinting at the
light.
"My apologies, Commander," She replies, clasping her hands behind her.
"T'Pol," I frown crookedly at her, still a little drowsy. "It's 3-somethin'
in the morning. This'd better be good."
She frowns ever-so-slightly. "It is not, 'good', however, I can assure you
it is a matter of great importance."
Smothering a yawn, I fold my arms across my chest and lean against the door.
"What is it?"
T'Pol drops her gaze, unsure of how to proceed, then says simply. "There is
a situation in the mess hall that requires your immediate attention."
It's on the tip of my tongue to ask what the hell she means but our
illustrious Sub-Commander doesn't seem to see any need for further
discussion. She nods quickly and does an about face, with such precision
it'd have any drill instructor in tears, and walks away.
"A situation in the mess hall?" What the hell did she mean by that? I shake
off the conversation, planning to go back to bed, and start to step back
into my quarters when I stop. Aw hell, I'm up, might as well go see what's
got her ladyship disturbing the sleep of unsuspecting Starfleet officers.
She did say it was important.
-------
T'Pol was right, I may not be able to get home to attend the memorial but I
can say goodbye here. Looking out at the stars, it almost feels like he's
here with me.
"Bye, Grandfather," My voice is barely audible as I press a hand against the
viewport and stare out into space.
"Hoshi?"
Trip?
Briefly, I close my eyes, as if I can will him to leave the room by that
act. Without looking, I track his progress across the room, his footfalls
light. Hesitant.
"You ok?" Oh please, Trip, leave. Please leave. T'Pol, I could handle, she
cloaks her concern in logic and non-emotionalism but you? I can't handle the
worry in your voice.
"Fine." I mumble quietly, not daring to meet his gaze. If I do, I know I
won't be able to hold it in.
Please, Trip, just leave.
---------
Looks like T'Pol was right, there is something important in the mess hall.
Hoshi. "You're not fine, darlin'," I murmur softly, resting a hand on her
shoulder and turning her to face me. Her form is stiff and unyielding under
my hand and her gaze is fixed intently on the floor.
"I'm just tired," she mumbles, doggedly refusing to look up.
"If you were tired," I point out with a smile. "You'd be in your quarters."
I brush my fingertips along her cheek, feeling the moisture of tears. "You
wouldn't be cryin' either." Placing a crooked finger beneath her chin, I
gently, but firmly, lift her gaze to meet mine. "C'mon, Hoshi, it's me,
Trip, you can tell me what's wrong."
She meets my questioning gaze with her own captivating eyes and, in a broken
voice, she relates to me the news from home. News of the loss of her
grandfather. It doesn't stop there, soon she is detailing her own feelings
about missing the funeral, her own grief, and even about T'Pol's attempt to
console her.
By the time she's done, I'm leaning back against the wall with her wrapped
in my arms and perfectly content to let her stay there as long as she wants.
I'll be honest, I feel Hoshi's pain intensely yes, but I can't help but
notice she fits perfectly.
It seems, as soon as she's finished talking, the tears begin. She rests her
head against my chest, her slim form shaking slightly as she silently cries.
"Aww, darlin'," Sighing softly, I cuddle her closer, rubbing her back in an
age old gesture of comfort. "Just let it out." This is, by far, the most
heartbreaking scene I've ever witnessed. Hoshi doesn't make a sound as she
cries. If it wasn't for the fact her tears are soaking through my shirt, and
the soft shudders as she sobs, I wouldn't know she was crying. Weeping.
Resting my cheek against the dark satin of her hair, I murmur soothing
phrases, wishing intently I could absorb her pain as easily as my shirt
absorbs the moisture of her tears. But, since I can't, I'm going to do the
only thing I can. And that's stay by her side as long as she wants me here.
-------
It's hard to believe that just a few minutes ago, I was silently pleading
with him to leave, now, I can't imagine him ever letting go.
It feels so good just to cry, to let go, a pure release of emotion, I don't
have to pretend with Trip. There's no shame in losing myself in my pain, no
loss of dignity in accepting comfort. No need to feel guilty about being
human or enjoying the chance to be in Trip's arms. There's just the simple
solace and understanding of human comfort and I'm glorying in it.
But, in doing so, I've no wish to diminish what T'Pol did for me. In her own
Vulcan way, she conveyed her sympathy and consolation with that
uncomplicated and eloquent phrase.
I grieve with thee.
In this situation, despite my own pain, I've had a rare opportunity to see
two cultures expressing their sympathies in unique ways and achieving the
same result.
I feel better. It will take some time to accept the grief and loss but I do
feel better. I know I won't be there to attend the service or see my parents
but I have said my goodbyes and I have the support of my friends. My family.
A strange and unusual family they may be but their caring is undeniable and
it is a balm to my soul.
Goodbye, Grandfather, may you find the same peace among the stars that I
have.
Finis