For the summary, read the first chapter. Ohh how Tai is gonna get into this
story ? You'll read all in this chapter. R and R please ! This time I used
KoRn's 'No one's there' as songlyric for this chapter. Check KoRn out if
you can and listen to this song, it's good. Thank you so much for those
reviews ! It means so much to me ! THANK YOU ! -x-x-x- Enjoy reading ! Mari-
sama~ P.S. : This chapter 'Mud in my head' is dealing with cutting, so
beware.
DISCLAIMER : I do NOT own Digimon !!!
Mud in my head - - - - - by Mari-sama~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"No One's There" - - - - - KoRn
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You and me
We have no faces
Soon our lives they'll be erased
Do you think they will remember?
Or will we just be replaced
Oh I wish that I could see,
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You and me
We have no faces
They don't see us anymore
Without love as they had promised
And no faith for what's in store
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where are all these feelings hiding?
Dancing in and out my mind
Burning up all that I long for
Feeding me till my decline
Where are you? My soul is bleeding
I am searching am I blind?
All alone and bound forever
Trapped inside me for all time
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tai sat in front of the tv. He was watching some lame tv soap because there was nothing special on. He was bored to death so got up from the couch where he'd almost fallen asleep and when he passed the phone, he decided to call Matt. Matt had been very quiet today, which was very unusual for him. Even though Matt had been quiet for the last week too so maybe there was something bigger going on. Anyway, Tai dialed Matt's phone numer.
"Hello ? Mr. Ishida speaking."
"Hi, it's Tai."
"Hi Tai !"
"Is Matt there ?"
"No, sorry. He's with his mother. Do you have her phone number ?"
"Yes, but I guess I'll just call to Matt's cell phone. Thanks anyway."
"Bye."
"Bye Mr. Ishida !"
Tai hooked up the phone and sighed.
- - - Ohh, that's probably the reason for Matt being like this. - - -
He jumped back into the couch and grabbed the cookie jar again.
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -
- - - Come on ! Pick up, will ya ! - - -
"Tai ?" A nervous voice suddenly came from the other side of the line.
"Matt ? Is that you ?"
"Yes, why are you calling ? I'm...uhm...doing s-something."
"Why are you so nervous ?"
"I'm not nervous, it's only...I...uh...I dropped about ten plates on the floor."
"You're cleaning the dishes ?"
"...Yeah ! I'm cleaning the dishes. Right. So...talk to you later !"
Matt hooked up the phone.
"M-Matt !"
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
There ain't any right words for it. I just cut in my arm. I had no idea ! I didn't know what to do ! I just-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Matt dropped his head on his diary and let his tears wet the paper. The corners of the paper curled up a bit.
He put his arms on the desk and slammed his head on it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I just didn't know what to do, diary ! I had to I HAD to !!!!!!!!!!!! I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to !!! I don't want to ! I don't want to live ! I wanna die !!! Oh God... I didn't want to... It didn't hurt. But now I have this huge mark on my arm. Bad. Very bad. I hope you don't mind there's tears and blood on you. Sorry. Tai called. I lied to him and said I was cleaning the dishes.
Damn you Matt !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tai threw his cell phone on the table and stood up again. He wondered what made Matt so nervous. Come on, some broken plates isn't such a big deal !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That night...
It was 2 am. Matt lay awake in his bed. He didn't know how to lie. On his back wasn't good. On his side wasn't good. On his other side wasn't good and on his belly wasn't good either. He kept turning around.
Matt listened to the silence. He heard his own breathing. Very calm and controlled. But then he heard how it changed into chocking sobs.
- - - Please stop crying. Please let the silence go away ! Please make it all go away ! Leave me... Leave my soul, please !!! Get out of my body, damn you ! I hate you !!! - - -
- - - Who am I talking to ? - - -
- - - Myself ? - - -
- - - Pathetic. - - -
He calmed down and closed his eyes. He thought of happy people. TK, Tai, Sora, Izzy, Mimi and all his other friends. None of them were sad. Never. And then he got his own picture in his mind. It danced in front of him.
- - You're no good. - - -
Matt sighed and sat straight up against the wall. He sighed again and shook his head to make it all go away.
- - - The painkiller didn't really help, but I can always try to do it again. And the cut ? It wasn't so bad. No ! Liar ! It was bad ! It IS bad ! Why would you hurt yourself ?! - - -
- - - No reason. - - -
- - - I officially announce that Matt Ishida has gone totally wacked. - - -
Matt stood up from his bed. He tried to stand on his feet but his red blanket curled up around his foot which made him fall onto the floor with a loud sound.
He lay still. Matt didn't even bother to loosen the blanket and to stand up.
From the corner of his eye he suddenly remarked his diary.
- - - Why not ? - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear diary,
I lay on the floor. My blanket curled up around my foot and I fell on the floor. It hurt. But I don't care. What the hell is physical pain anyway ? Pain. Yes, pain. Physical pain isn't as painfull as mental pain. Not in a thousand years ! ... Let's play a game. If I can write down 5 reasons to stand up and 5 reasons not to, and then compare them, maybe I'll make up my mind.
STAND UP : I'm thirsty and want to get some water. I wanna cut myself again.
- - - What the f- ? - - -
I wanna take another painkiller from my mother's medicine cupboard. Hmm, good one now : I wanna call Tai.
DON'T EVEN BOTHER : I'm tired. I don't wanna move. Why would I stand up ? There's no one who'd care anyway. I don't wanna get into bed again. It's way too hot inhere. And I don't wanna get up after all, so I take that as a 'NO'.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - What am I doing ? Isn't this pathetic ?! Playing games with a diary. Oh Jesus... - - -
- - - Help me, please ! - - -
Matt lay on the floor, his cheeks stained with tears. Why did he have to cry ? His head felt like it was pushed against a concrete wall. That headache again.
He felt salt water escape from the corner of his eye and searching a way down to the ground.
Matt sighed.
- - - Tomorrow will get better, I promise. - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"What is he doing on the floor ?"
"Matt ! Wake up !"
Matt slowly opened his eyes and blinked to get his clear sight back. He turned a bit and noticed he was on the floor.
"What...?"
"Why are you sleeping on the floor ?" TK giggled.
"I gues I fell off my bed..."
"Right."
"Well, come on !" TK exclaimed, pulling his older brother up.
"What ?"
"Have you never heard of breakfast ?" TK laughed.
Matt smirked and yawned. Then he got up and runned his fingers through his blonde hair.
"Do your hair later ! Come on ! Aren't you hungry ?"
"Obviously not as hungry as you !"
Now TK smirked.
After a minute, or even less, the two of them were going down the stairs, TK a bit faster than Matt.
"Morning, Matt !" A woman's voice came from the kitchen.
Nancy appeared down the stairs.
Matt smiled a little and mumbled 'good morning' to his mother.
She offered Matt to get breakfast but Matt refused to eat anything.
"What ? You never eat in the morning ?!" TK exclaimed, eyes nearly popping out of his head.
"No. What's wrong with that ?!"
"No wonder you're so skinny !" Nancy joked, quickly feeling sorry for that when she saw Matt's look.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Matt. Sorry."
"Things like that don't hurt me, mom. But you should know when it's good to say something and when it's not. Now isn't really the right moment."
Nancy forced a smile upon her face and then looked to TK, trying to get to another subject.
"So you're going to Hiro in 20 minutes, sweetie ?" She said, putting a hand on TK's arm.
"Yes. Till 3 pm. Sorry, Matt. I guess you're gonna be alone this afternoon."
"It's ok. Do whatever you like. You're happy, I'm happy." He smirked to his younger brother.
- - - Why does he always smile ? - - -
But that morning, when TK had just left, wasn't exactely about to turn out the way Matt had wanted it to. Nancy had been asking annoying questions to him which made Matt very upset. While Matt sat in the couch and Nancy sat on a chair right on front of Matt, they quarreled about stupid things.
"Didn't your dad ever say to you that breakfast is the most importinant meal of the day ?"
"Who cares !"
"I do ! I want you to grow up like a normal person. Healthy and especially happy ! And that means smiling from time to time ! Something that doesn't seem to get into your head, eh !"
- - - Right, you bitch ! - - -
"Mind your own business, mom !"
"For God's sake ! That IS my business ! What happened is all I wanna now ! Why are you always so sad ? Did anyone hurt you ?"
"No !!!"
"Is it your father ? Is he never there for you ?"
- - - That too, yes. - - -
"No !!!"
"Then WHY, Yamato ?! Why ? I just want a simple reason! That's all !"
"I don't know !!!"
"For the millionth time you said that !"
"So ?!?"
"Oh great then ! You don't know ?!"
"I don't know ! Like I said ! I DON'T KNOW !!!" Matt yelled at his mother as standing up from the couch and walking to the front door.
"You're not going anywhere ! Not like this, you hear me !!!"
"I do whatever I like !!! It's MY business what I do ! MINE !!!" Matt screamed.
"Jesus, Matt !!! Stop it !!! Immediately !"
Matt shook his head and slammed the door shut so hard that it caused the painting to fall off the wall.
Nancy ran to the door and pulled it back open. She followed Matt till where he had gone, not further than 2 meters, and grabbed his shirt.
"You listen to me now ! You stay inside my house !!!"
"You can't tell me what to do, mom !!!" Matt said, pulling away and walking further.
"STAY HERE !"
"Let go off me !" Matt shouted as Nancy grabbed him around his waste.
Then suddenly, Matt hit his mother in her face. By accident. He turned away and his mom let go off his shirt again. They stood there, face to face, not less than a meter between them. Waiting for one to do something.
Nancy cried. No sound. But Matt saw the tears flowing down her cheeks.
She suddenly slammed her hand in Matt's face and then her other hand hit his cheekbone, close to his eye. He didn't move. Nancy ran back inside and yelled :
"Don't even BOTHER to come back, Yamato !!!!"
right before she locked the door and let Matt stand alone outside in the freezing cold.
Rain came down his body and washed away the pain. A big bruise formed on his cheek and eye but that, he didn't even feel. He didn't want to.
- - - I'm cold. - - -
He stood there. Alone. Outside. Without any feeling of guilt, without any feeling that told him to go inside and to apologize. He felt nothing. Just as he wanted to.
Inside he felt alone. But he was not afraid. He wasn't a coward.
- - - Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to go back inside... - - -
- - - I don't want to. - - -
- - - Someone's gonna have to pull me inside, cause I refuse to go myself ! - - -
Matt didn't notice that tears were coming down his cheeks with the rain. The water, the raindrops, his tears, his blood, everything plopped on the concrete ground. Matt listened to it and felt like one of those drups. Shattered into pieces after a final fall.
- - - This is confusing. - - -
- - - Would that mean that if I'm falling now, I'd be shattered into pieces soon ? - - -
- - - Maybe... - - -
- - - We'll see... No. I'll see. No one else would care anyway. - - -
- - - Never forget that, Matt. - - -
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It was 2 pm. After about 3 hours Matt still was outside, and sat against the wall. The rain was still pouring down on him and the road. The earth turned into mudd.
Even though Matt had liked someone being around now, he'd never expect that it would be Tai.
"Matt ?" He suddenly heard from somewhere close.
"Matt ? Is that you ?"
The blonde turned his head to see a boy with brown hair standing in front of him, with a warm coat and an umbrella in his hands, squeezing his eyes because there was such a strong wind.
"Hello Tai." Matt said under his breath, yet trying to act as he normally did.
"How are you ?" Matt continued.
Tai frowned and shook his head, saying :
"What the hell are you doing outside ?!"
Tai wanted to continue but stopped as he heard Matt coughing. He shook his head in disapprove.
"How long have you been sitting here ?"
"I don't know..." Matt said, suddenly in a more sad tone. He looked down and ran his fingers through a little puddle of rain. Then he wanted to say something more, but broke of into a coughing fit.
"Let's go inside, Matt. You sound sick."
"No, I'm not sick !" Matt shouted when he had recovered.
"Right. I'd eat my goggles if you could prove you aren't ! Come on !" Tai said, laughing a little as pulling Matt off the ground.
"Matt, your pants are soaked. Uhh...your T-shirt too..."
Tai sighed.
"Why are you outside in a T-shirt, for God's sake !?"
Matt and Tai walked up to the door and the brunette knocked. They heard nothing.
But then a sound of someone unlocking the door came from the other side of it. Nancy opened the door and gasped.
"Tai ?! MATT ?! Why ? I- Why didn't you- ? I thought you'd go somewhere inside ! Jesus ! Get in !" She freaked.
She nearly had shut the door before Tai had gone in.
"Matt, are you ok ?"
Matt didn't speak. He just looked to his mother, mentally cursing.
- - - Yes, I'm fine. NOT ! - - -
- - - Oh God... I thought he'd go somewhere inside ! What have I done to him ? He stayed outside for almost... 3 hours ! - - - Nancy thought.
- - - Ok... I obviously missed something here. What the hell is she talking about ? - - - Tai wondered.
"I'm alright, mom. Never mind." Matt mumbled, always the same sad tone in his voice.
He took off his soaked shoes and threw them onto the floor, walking further to the stairs. He wandered up, coughing a little.
When he almost arrived upstairs, he broke of into another coughing fit, just loud enough for Tai and Nancy to hear.
Matt's mom shook her head.
"Tai ? What's with Matt ? Please tell me the truth..."
"I don't know, Mrs. Takaishi ! I just came here because I had nothing to do and I called him yesterday and he was acting strange, telling me he was cleaning the dishes and that he had dropped some plates so I thought-"
"Ho ho... Wait... Did he say he was cleaning the dishes ? That cannot be. He lied. TK did that yesterday."
"Ohh..." Tai mumbled, frowning a little.
Nancy told Tai to go upstairs and to talk with Matt because she really wanted to know what was going on here and so he did. For Nancy and himself.
He knocked on the door of Matt's room.
"Matt ? It's me. Tai."
"I don't wanna- talk !" Tai heard a voice from behind the door.
"Matt. Open the door please."
After a few seconds, Tai heard Matt unlocking the door.
He entered.
Tai saw Matt sitting on his bed. The rain outside was still pouring down, making the streets look so grey.
"Matt ? Why are you crying ?"
"Please- lock the door,- Tai."
Tai did so, feeling so sorry for Matt.
"What happened ? The truth please..."
- - - How can I possibly tell him the truth ? That I cut myself 7 times in my arm and 4 times in my leg just about a minute ago ? That I think of killing myself ? That I took another painkiller from my mom ? That I hate myself ? That I hate the world ? - - -
"I just... I feel so..."
"Depressed ?"
"I- don't know- exactely..."
"Look, Matt. I've always been your best friend. And I hope you know that. I know that you're depressed from time to time and I know that you feel very sad. But like this ?"
"I'm so unhappy, Tai. I'm so- unhappy..." Matt chocked.
Tai didn't know what to do.
"But why, Matt ? Why ???"
"I don't know. I really truly don't know. It's because I am what I am ! Because- I'm so stupid ! And-"
"You are not stupid, Matt !"
"I am ! Look at- me, Tai ! What am I ? A miserable- piece of shit !"
"Don't say that !"
"I- never- smile ! I can't smile anymore !!! I-"
"Stop dissing yourself !"
"I hate myself ! I HATE myself !!!"
"Ssshhh... Calm down !" Tai comforted Matt, walking up to him and sitting next to him.
"I'm- just so- bad ! So bad ! I always diss other people ! My dad ! My mom ! I even- fight with- TK !"
"You know that's normal ! I fight with Kari too ! Like all normal people do, Matt !"
"Can't be ! I'm not- a- normal- person !"
- - - Why am I telling him this ? - - -
- - - I've seen him cry before. But not like this... - - - Tai thought, shaking his head a bit.
- - - Not like this... - - -
- - - What's gone wrong with me ?!! Why am I like THIS ?! - - -
"Matt, you're the nicest and coolest person I've ever met in my whole life !"
"Right !"
- - - As if I believe that ! - - -
"Tai ?" Matt asked, a little calmed down.
"Yes ?"
"Would you mind if I asked you to go ?"
"No, not at all. But promise me you're not gonna do anything stupid !"
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
"Ok. I promise."
- - - Damn you !!! - - -
"Good." Tai said, getting up to leave the room.
"Thanks, Tai."
"Any time." Matt heard the brunette saying, who was left by now.
The door closed.
Matt was alone again. Again. He dropped his arm next to him to pick up the diary that he'd thrown behind him when he'd heard Tai. It was covered in blood.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
Maybe I cut a little too deep. My left arm is really messed up. I nearly freaked out when I heard Tai at my door. I just threw you away, hope you don't mind. You don't. You don't have a soul after all. But you listen, and that means all to me. I feel like dying today. I don't think I can face my mom ever again. Everytime I'll see her, or dad, or TK, I'll think of the horrible cuts I give myself. Of the painkillers I stole from her. I took 6 now. And another 4 to hide in my pocket. There's mud in my head. I'm so stupid. I'm so guilty.
GUILTY. LOCKED FOR LIFE.
Prisoner in my own body, Matt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope y'all enjoyed again. Yes I try my best to discribe the feelings of depresssion the best I can. Thank you again for the support !!! -x-x-x- Keep reading my stories, please ! Oh and uhh... UPDATE COMING UP SOON ! (maybe tomorrow...) Oh and PLEASE tell other people to read my stories ! Thank you very much ! *kiss* !
DISCLAIMER : I do NOT own Digimon !!!
Mud in my head - - - - - by Mari-sama~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"No One's There" - - - - - KoRn
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You and me
We have no faces
Soon our lives they'll be erased
Do you think they will remember?
Or will we just be replaced
Oh I wish that I could see,
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You and me
We have no faces
They don't see us anymore
Without love as they had promised
And no faith for what's in store
Oh I wish that I could see
How I wish that I could fly
All the things that hang above me
To a place where I can cry
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So what can it be?
No one hears me call,
Echoes back at me
No ones there.
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where are all these feelings hiding?
Dancing in and out my mind
Burning up all that I long for
Feeding me till my decline
Where are you? My soul is bleeding
I am searching am I blind?
All alone and bound forever
Trapped inside me for all time
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To all these nameless feelings
I cant deal with in my life
To all these greedy people
Trying to feed on what is mine
You've got to filll your hunger
And stop fucking with my mind
I know its time to leave these places far behind
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tai sat in front of the tv. He was watching some lame tv soap because there was nothing special on. He was bored to death so got up from the couch where he'd almost fallen asleep and when he passed the phone, he decided to call Matt. Matt had been very quiet today, which was very unusual for him. Even though Matt had been quiet for the last week too so maybe there was something bigger going on. Anyway, Tai dialed Matt's phone numer.
"Hello ? Mr. Ishida speaking."
"Hi, it's Tai."
"Hi Tai !"
"Is Matt there ?"
"No, sorry. He's with his mother. Do you have her phone number ?"
"Yes, but I guess I'll just call to Matt's cell phone. Thanks anyway."
"Bye."
"Bye Mr. Ishida !"
Tai hooked up the phone and sighed.
- - - Ohh, that's probably the reason for Matt being like this. - - -
He jumped back into the couch and grabbed the cookie jar again.
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -
- - - Come on ! Pick up, will ya ! - - -
"Tai ?" A nervous voice suddenly came from the other side of the line.
"Matt ? Is that you ?"
"Yes, why are you calling ? I'm...uhm...doing s-something."
"Why are you so nervous ?"
"I'm not nervous, it's only...I...uh...I dropped about ten plates on the floor."
"You're cleaning the dishes ?"
"...Yeah ! I'm cleaning the dishes. Right. So...talk to you later !"
Matt hooked up the phone.
"M-Matt !"
- beep - beep - beep - beep - beep -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
There ain't any right words for it. I just cut in my arm. I had no idea ! I didn't know what to do ! I just-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Matt dropped his head on his diary and let his tears wet the paper. The corners of the paper curled up a bit.
He put his arms on the desk and slammed his head on it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I just didn't know what to do, diary ! I had to I HAD to !!!!!!!!!!!! I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to I had to !!! I don't want to ! I don't want to live ! I wanna die !!! Oh God... I didn't want to... It didn't hurt. But now I have this huge mark on my arm. Bad. Very bad. I hope you don't mind there's tears and blood on you. Sorry. Tai called. I lied to him and said I was cleaning the dishes.
Damn you Matt !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tai threw his cell phone on the table and stood up again. He wondered what made Matt so nervous. Come on, some broken plates isn't such a big deal !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That night...
It was 2 am. Matt lay awake in his bed. He didn't know how to lie. On his back wasn't good. On his side wasn't good. On his other side wasn't good and on his belly wasn't good either. He kept turning around.
Matt listened to the silence. He heard his own breathing. Very calm and controlled. But then he heard how it changed into chocking sobs.
- - - Please stop crying. Please let the silence go away ! Please make it all go away ! Leave me... Leave my soul, please !!! Get out of my body, damn you ! I hate you !!! - - -
- - - Who am I talking to ? - - -
- - - Myself ? - - -
- - - Pathetic. - - -
He calmed down and closed his eyes. He thought of happy people. TK, Tai, Sora, Izzy, Mimi and all his other friends. None of them were sad. Never. And then he got his own picture in his mind. It danced in front of him.
- - You're no good. - - -
Matt sighed and sat straight up against the wall. He sighed again and shook his head to make it all go away.
- - - The painkiller didn't really help, but I can always try to do it again. And the cut ? It wasn't so bad. No ! Liar ! It was bad ! It IS bad ! Why would you hurt yourself ?! - - -
- - - No reason. - - -
- - - I officially announce that Matt Ishida has gone totally wacked. - - -
Matt stood up from his bed. He tried to stand on his feet but his red blanket curled up around his foot which made him fall onto the floor with a loud sound.
He lay still. Matt didn't even bother to loosen the blanket and to stand up.
From the corner of his eye he suddenly remarked his diary.
- - - Why not ? - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear diary,
I lay on the floor. My blanket curled up around my foot and I fell on the floor. It hurt. But I don't care. What the hell is physical pain anyway ? Pain. Yes, pain. Physical pain isn't as painfull as mental pain. Not in a thousand years ! ... Let's play a game. If I can write down 5 reasons to stand up and 5 reasons not to, and then compare them, maybe I'll make up my mind.
STAND UP : I'm thirsty and want to get some water. I wanna cut myself again.
- - - What the f- ? - - -
I wanna take another painkiller from my mother's medicine cupboard. Hmm, good one now : I wanna call Tai.
DON'T EVEN BOTHER : I'm tired. I don't wanna move. Why would I stand up ? There's no one who'd care anyway. I don't wanna get into bed again. It's way too hot inhere. And I don't wanna get up after all, so I take that as a 'NO'.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - What am I doing ? Isn't this pathetic ?! Playing games with a diary. Oh Jesus... - - -
- - - Help me, please ! - - -
Matt lay on the floor, his cheeks stained with tears. Why did he have to cry ? His head felt like it was pushed against a concrete wall. That headache again.
He felt salt water escape from the corner of his eye and searching a way down to the ground.
Matt sighed.
- - - Tomorrow will get better, I promise. - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"What is he doing on the floor ?"
"Matt ! Wake up !"
Matt slowly opened his eyes and blinked to get his clear sight back. He turned a bit and noticed he was on the floor.
"What...?"
"Why are you sleeping on the floor ?" TK giggled.
"I gues I fell off my bed..."
"Right."
"Well, come on !" TK exclaimed, pulling his older brother up.
"What ?"
"Have you never heard of breakfast ?" TK laughed.
Matt smirked and yawned. Then he got up and runned his fingers through his blonde hair.
"Do your hair later ! Come on ! Aren't you hungry ?"
"Obviously not as hungry as you !"
Now TK smirked.
After a minute, or even less, the two of them were going down the stairs, TK a bit faster than Matt.
"Morning, Matt !" A woman's voice came from the kitchen.
Nancy appeared down the stairs.
Matt smiled a little and mumbled 'good morning' to his mother.
She offered Matt to get breakfast but Matt refused to eat anything.
"What ? You never eat in the morning ?!" TK exclaimed, eyes nearly popping out of his head.
"No. What's wrong with that ?!"
"No wonder you're so skinny !" Nancy joked, quickly feeling sorry for that when she saw Matt's look.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Matt. Sorry."
"Things like that don't hurt me, mom. But you should know when it's good to say something and when it's not. Now isn't really the right moment."
Nancy forced a smile upon her face and then looked to TK, trying to get to another subject.
"So you're going to Hiro in 20 minutes, sweetie ?" She said, putting a hand on TK's arm.
"Yes. Till 3 pm. Sorry, Matt. I guess you're gonna be alone this afternoon."
"It's ok. Do whatever you like. You're happy, I'm happy." He smirked to his younger brother.
- - - Why does he always smile ? - - -
But that morning, when TK had just left, wasn't exactely about to turn out the way Matt had wanted it to. Nancy had been asking annoying questions to him which made Matt very upset. While Matt sat in the couch and Nancy sat on a chair right on front of Matt, they quarreled about stupid things.
"Didn't your dad ever say to you that breakfast is the most importinant meal of the day ?"
"Who cares !"
"I do ! I want you to grow up like a normal person. Healthy and especially happy ! And that means smiling from time to time ! Something that doesn't seem to get into your head, eh !"
- - - Right, you bitch ! - - -
"Mind your own business, mom !"
"For God's sake ! That IS my business ! What happened is all I wanna now ! Why are you always so sad ? Did anyone hurt you ?"
"No !!!"
"Is it your father ? Is he never there for you ?"
- - - That too, yes. - - -
"No !!!"
"Then WHY, Yamato ?! Why ? I just want a simple reason! That's all !"
"I don't know !!!"
"For the millionth time you said that !"
"So ?!?"
"Oh great then ! You don't know ?!"
"I don't know ! Like I said ! I DON'T KNOW !!!" Matt yelled at his mother as standing up from the couch and walking to the front door.
"You're not going anywhere ! Not like this, you hear me !!!"
"I do whatever I like !!! It's MY business what I do ! MINE !!!" Matt screamed.
"Jesus, Matt !!! Stop it !!! Immediately !"
Matt shook his head and slammed the door shut so hard that it caused the painting to fall off the wall.
Nancy ran to the door and pulled it back open. She followed Matt till where he had gone, not further than 2 meters, and grabbed his shirt.
"You listen to me now ! You stay inside my house !!!"
"You can't tell me what to do, mom !!!" Matt said, pulling away and walking further.
"STAY HERE !"
"Let go off me !" Matt shouted as Nancy grabbed him around his waste.
Then suddenly, Matt hit his mother in her face. By accident. He turned away and his mom let go off his shirt again. They stood there, face to face, not less than a meter between them. Waiting for one to do something.
Nancy cried. No sound. But Matt saw the tears flowing down her cheeks.
She suddenly slammed her hand in Matt's face and then her other hand hit his cheekbone, close to his eye. He didn't move. Nancy ran back inside and yelled :
"Don't even BOTHER to come back, Yamato !!!!"
right before she locked the door and let Matt stand alone outside in the freezing cold.
Rain came down his body and washed away the pain. A big bruise formed on his cheek and eye but that, he didn't even feel. He didn't want to.
- - - I'm cold. - - -
He stood there. Alone. Outside. Without any feeling of guilt, without any feeling that told him to go inside and to apologize. He felt nothing. Just as he wanted to.
Inside he felt alone. But he was not afraid. He wasn't a coward.
- - - Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to go back inside... - - -
- - - I don't want to. - - -
- - - Someone's gonna have to pull me inside, cause I refuse to go myself ! - - -
Matt didn't notice that tears were coming down his cheeks with the rain. The water, the raindrops, his tears, his blood, everything plopped on the concrete ground. Matt listened to it and felt like one of those drups. Shattered into pieces after a final fall.
- - - This is confusing. - - -
- - - Would that mean that if I'm falling now, I'd be shattered into pieces soon ? - - -
- - - Maybe... - - -
- - - We'll see... No. I'll see. No one else would care anyway. - - -
- - - Never forget that, Matt. - - -
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -
- - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - - - - - NO ONE CARES - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It was 2 pm. After about 3 hours Matt still was outside, and sat against the wall. The rain was still pouring down on him and the road. The earth turned into mudd.
Even though Matt had liked someone being around now, he'd never expect that it would be Tai.
"Matt ?" He suddenly heard from somewhere close.
"Matt ? Is that you ?"
The blonde turned his head to see a boy with brown hair standing in front of him, with a warm coat and an umbrella in his hands, squeezing his eyes because there was such a strong wind.
"Hello Tai." Matt said under his breath, yet trying to act as he normally did.
"How are you ?" Matt continued.
Tai frowned and shook his head, saying :
"What the hell are you doing outside ?!"
Tai wanted to continue but stopped as he heard Matt coughing. He shook his head in disapprove.
"How long have you been sitting here ?"
"I don't know..." Matt said, suddenly in a more sad tone. He looked down and ran his fingers through a little puddle of rain. Then he wanted to say something more, but broke of into a coughing fit.
"Let's go inside, Matt. You sound sick."
"No, I'm not sick !" Matt shouted when he had recovered.
"Right. I'd eat my goggles if you could prove you aren't ! Come on !" Tai said, laughing a little as pulling Matt off the ground.
"Matt, your pants are soaked. Uhh...your T-shirt too..."
Tai sighed.
"Why are you outside in a T-shirt, for God's sake !?"
Matt and Tai walked up to the door and the brunette knocked. They heard nothing.
But then a sound of someone unlocking the door came from the other side of it. Nancy opened the door and gasped.
"Tai ?! MATT ?! Why ? I- Why didn't you- ? I thought you'd go somewhere inside ! Jesus ! Get in !" She freaked.
She nearly had shut the door before Tai had gone in.
"Matt, are you ok ?"
Matt didn't speak. He just looked to his mother, mentally cursing.
- - - Yes, I'm fine. NOT ! - - -
- - - Oh God... I thought he'd go somewhere inside ! What have I done to him ? He stayed outside for almost... 3 hours ! - - - Nancy thought.
- - - Ok... I obviously missed something here. What the hell is she talking about ? - - - Tai wondered.
"I'm alright, mom. Never mind." Matt mumbled, always the same sad tone in his voice.
He took off his soaked shoes and threw them onto the floor, walking further to the stairs. He wandered up, coughing a little.
When he almost arrived upstairs, he broke of into another coughing fit, just loud enough for Tai and Nancy to hear.
Matt's mom shook her head.
"Tai ? What's with Matt ? Please tell me the truth..."
"I don't know, Mrs. Takaishi ! I just came here because I had nothing to do and I called him yesterday and he was acting strange, telling me he was cleaning the dishes and that he had dropped some plates so I thought-"
"Ho ho... Wait... Did he say he was cleaning the dishes ? That cannot be. He lied. TK did that yesterday."
"Ohh..." Tai mumbled, frowning a little.
Nancy told Tai to go upstairs and to talk with Matt because she really wanted to know what was going on here and so he did. For Nancy and himself.
He knocked on the door of Matt's room.
"Matt ? It's me. Tai."
"I don't wanna- talk !" Tai heard a voice from behind the door.
"Matt. Open the door please."
After a few seconds, Tai heard Matt unlocking the door.
He entered.
Tai saw Matt sitting on his bed. The rain outside was still pouring down, making the streets look so grey.
"Matt ? Why are you crying ?"
"Please- lock the door,- Tai."
Tai did so, feeling so sorry for Matt.
"What happened ? The truth please..."
- - - How can I possibly tell him the truth ? That I cut myself 7 times in my arm and 4 times in my leg just about a minute ago ? That I think of killing myself ? That I took another painkiller from my mom ? That I hate myself ? That I hate the world ? - - -
"I just... I feel so..."
"Depressed ?"
"I- don't know- exactely..."
"Look, Matt. I've always been your best friend. And I hope you know that. I know that you're depressed from time to time and I know that you feel very sad. But like this ?"
"I'm so unhappy, Tai. I'm so- unhappy..." Matt chocked.
Tai didn't know what to do.
"But why, Matt ? Why ???"
"I don't know. I really truly don't know. It's because I am what I am ! Because- I'm so stupid ! And-"
"You are not stupid, Matt !"
"I am ! Look at- me, Tai ! What am I ? A miserable- piece of shit !"
"Don't say that !"
"I- never- smile ! I can't smile anymore !!! I-"
"Stop dissing yourself !"
"I hate myself ! I HATE myself !!!"
"Ssshhh... Calm down !" Tai comforted Matt, walking up to him and sitting next to him.
"I'm- just so- bad ! So bad ! I always diss other people ! My dad ! My mom ! I even- fight with- TK !"
"You know that's normal ! I fight with Kari too ! Like all normal people do, Matt !"
"Can't be ! I'm not- a- normal- person !"
- - - Why am I telling him this ? - - -
- - - I've seen him cry before. But not like this... - - - Tai thought, shaking his head a bit.
- - - Not like this... - - -
- - - What's gone wrong with me ?!! Why am I like THIS ?! - - -
"Matt, you're the nicest and coolest person I've ever met in my whole life !"
"Right !"
- - - As if I believe that ! - - -
"Tai ?" Matt asked, a little calmed down.
"Yes ?"
"Would you mind if I asked you to go ?"
"No, not at all. But promise me you're not gonna do anything stupid !"
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
- - - I can't. - - -
"Ok. I promise."
- - - Damn you !!! - - -
"Good." Tai said, getting up to leave the room.
"Thanks, Tai."
"Any time." Matt heard the brunette saying, who was left by now.
The door closed.
Matt was alone again. Again. He dropped his arm next to him to pick up the diary that he'd thrown behind him when he'd heard Tai. It was covered in blood.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
Maybe I cut a little too deep. My left arm is really messed up. I nearly freaked out when I heard Tai at my door. I just threw you away, hope you don't mind. You don't. You don't have a soul after all. But you listen, and that means all to me. I feel like dying today. I don't think I can face my mom ever again. Everytime I'll see her, or dad, or TK, I'll think of the horrible cuts I give myself. Of the painkillers I stole from her. I took 6 now. And another 4 to hide in my pocket. There's mud in my head. I'm so stupid. I'm so guilty.
GUILTY. LOCKED FOR LIFE.
Prisoner in my own body, Matt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope y'all enjoyed again. Yes I try my best to discribe the feelings of depresssion the best I can. Thank you again for the support !!! -x-x-x- Keep reading my stories, please ! Oh and uhh... UPDATE COMING UP SOON ! (maybe tomorrow...) Oh and PLEASE tell other people to read my stories ! Thank you very much ! *kiss* !