Love is Blind
By: Lilly
A/N: This is another of my POV fanfics, [well my second, actually] from Sei-chan's and Subaru-kun's POVs. So S/S. Yaoi, angst, etc. Spoilers: for TB. Timeline: pre-Rainbow Bridge. Disclaimer: TB, X, S/S and all belong to CLAMP.
Crucify my love, if my love is blind
Crucify my love, If it sets me free
~Crucify my Love by X-Japan~
Love is blind, yes. I found that out the hard way. But why do I say love is blind ? Is it blind only because when you're in love you don't see the others defects ? What happens when everything in the person you love could be considered as a defect by each and every person you've ever known in your life, except one. What if the one person that believes in that love is taken away from you by the very person you love ?
How blind love can be ? Can it be as blind as not to let you see what lies behind that façade that smiles at you every day ? How far can love go ? As far as to forgive every sin of the one you love ? Even if those sins have been aimed at making you hurt ? Is love reason enough to forget that it was that person who took everything for you ? Who showed you a life full of happiness, only to later shatter that dreamscape into pieces like a glass object, along with your heart ? Enough to forgive that person who took every reason you had to live for ? Who took away something precious from you ?
Is love really as blind as to forbid you to hate that person who has destroyed your life ? Who has turned your life into hell ?
Yes. Yes it is, because maybe that person, is the only reason you have to live. He may have destroyed everything you ever held dear. Maybe he destroyed your innocence in the cruelest way possible. Maybe he shattered every dream you may have ever had. But also, he is the only reason that still holds you into life. But, is that reason to love him ? To hate him ? To kill him ?
Seishirou-san... You're the only reason I'm still here in this world. Why won't you allow me to get close to you ? Do I want you ? Or do I want to kill you ? Love and hatred for you have become a sole emotion. I can't love you without hating you, and I can't hate you without loving you. What have you done to me that I can't tell the difference between these two feelings for you ?
But I know you. You think I don't, but I do. You don't care what I feel for you. Love, hate, passion, anger, it's all the same for you... You don't care whether I want to kiss you, or whether I want to kill you. You don't even understand what love, or any emotion for that matter, is. You may be familiar with the concept, you may have memorized the definition. But you'll never really know it, until you experience it.
Is that the reason you made that bet with me ? Were you trying to found out what feelings where ? Did I really lose that bet ? Why did you chose me ? Was it because you knew I'd fall in love with you ? Or because you thought I'd be easy to fool ? Either way I was a fool. It was so easy for you to play with me, using that mask ? Was it so amusing for you to break my heart ? Was it so pleasing to you to leave my very soul in pieces, when you knew I could never hate you for it ?
But I really lose that bet, why am I still alive ? It's been nine years since it ended. And even though you killed her in my place, I know you swore that I wouldn't live if I lost. Am I so unworthy to be killed by a Sakurazukamori. If I'm not worthy enough for you to love, can't I even be enough for you to kill ? Or is because it amuses you to see me struggling each day to live on ?
I don't care what reasons you may have to keep me alive. If it's not because you feel something for me, then I have no other reason to live but to kill you, and I can never do that because I love you. Do you even understand what is it to live like this, wanting everything to end because it hurts so ? Do you understand the way I hate myself for loving someone like you ? Someone who knows no emotion ? Someone who used me countless times as an amusement ?
No... Of course you don't... If you did, you wouldn't have killed her. Or maybe you would have taken my life along with hers. I just want everything to end. That's why I search for you, because I want to die only in your hands. I want my death to be yours. Because it's the only way I can show you the extent of my love.
*** *** *** *** ***
Tried to learn, tried to find
To reach out for eternity
~Crucify my Love by X-Japan~
Love is blind. How can someone like me even think of that very word ? But it's true. Love is blind, that being like me, you don't see it, even see it, even when it's standing in front of you in the loveliest of all forms ? Yes, I was to blind to even realize I was in love, even when I lost my eye for the one I loved.
But what is truly love ? If you describe it simply as caring for another, then I do not love. My way to love is so different from that. My mother once warned me about love. She told me that it may cause as much pain, as pleasure. And that someone like me must never fall in love, because then I wouldn't be able to do my job. But like me, she failed. She fell for me, her son, and died in my arms, because it was her wish. If love can be described in that way, then what I feel for that person is love.
But yes, love is "wrong" for me to feel. All of my life, I never knew what it was. I knew the basic concept of it, but I had never experienced that, or any other emotion since I can remember. Not even for her. Maybe that's the reason why I made that bet with him, when he was only a child. Because I wanted to know what it was like to feel. To love.
So well I thought I understood the word, that I was able to trick him into loving me. Yes, I knew he loved "me", even if that "me" was so different from the real one. But I suppose that deep inside, I was scared to return the feeling, because I didn't want to "lose" what I had: emotionlessness. Maybe that is why I never admitted to myself that as he fell in love with me, I also fell for him.
Or maybe I did realize it blindly when he was about to be killed by someone else. And I was physically blinded to save his life. Why didn't I let that woman kill him ? Was it because of love ? Because he belongs only to me ? Because only will decide when and how he dies ?
Yes, to all of them. I love him, but in the way everyone else would describe that. My way of loving is different. He's mine, his mind, his heart, his soul, his death. It's all mine. Maybe I have loved him ever since I met him, because he's everything I can never be. Maybe that's the reason I marked him as my special prey. He's light, life... as opposed dark, death... I took that away from him during that year of the bet, making him truly and totally mine, even more than he already was.
Why do I keep procastininating his death ? I don't know. I just don't want him to die just yet. He's the only I can really claim as mine. Everyone else is claimed for the sakura. It is even greedier than me, ocasionally choosing some poor innocent victim for me to feed it. But I chose the purest soul of all. His. Mine.
Yes, now I know what love is. But only for him. To me, everyone else is still like a glass I can easily break and sweep the pieces away. I broke him too, but I kept the pieces for myself, until the day, when I finally throw each of them slowly away. Does he hate me ? He does, and he loves me too. He's the only one he knows to love.
Will he leave me someday ? He won't, I'll leave him. I finally understand why my mother said what she said before she died. It's beautiful to be killed by the one you love the most... It must be. He may belong to me, but my death belongs to him too. Him alone has the right to kill me, because he was the one to melt the some of ice around my cold heart. Soon. I will die in his arms, by his hand. Subaru-kun, I love you, only not the way you wanted me to love you...
Er... yes, upon rereading it all it struck me as kinda repetitive, but what the hell. LOL ! And yeah, maybe Seishirou is somewhat OOC. Does it really matter ? Oh well. Hopefully someone will read and review. [Not counting the people I'll force into reading ^^;;]