Simple Twists of Fate
It's odd when he plays the mind games. It continued even after the break up. When he saw me with Ethan, on the outside he presented the "good riddance" and "I don't care" bravado. He didn't regret me being pushed away. Of course not! Brian Kinney has no regrets and no apologies. But on the inside he was broken. I didn't know it then. I do know it now.
I'm not with Ethan anymore. He left me when he found out. I live with Melanie and Lindsay and Gus. I'm twenty years old and I'm dying. I have a rare heart condition. Brian is out of own but I'm sure when he comes back Lindsay will hit him with the news full force. I found out on my twentieth birthday. Happy Birthday Justin, you're going to die. Ethan took off after I told him. Haven't seen him since and that was two weeks ago.
I went to Lindsay because she and Melanie were the only two I knew I could trust after the break up. Michael only tolerated for the sake of Rage because with out my art it was just stories in his head. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. He hates me and the way I treated Brian meanwhile this is the way I felt most of the time with Brian. Neglected. Abandoned. I've felt the urge on occasion to leave him alone with his stories in his head, take my artistic talent to something beyond Comics. Rage kind of lost it's feeling when Brian and I split. Ted and Emmett I can trust, more like I don't want to burden them with my illness. I don't know them very well and to just expect them to take me in after the way I acted. it wouldn't be fair. Debbie and Vic have enough to worry about. Deb doesn't need to sick gay boys under her roof and I think she kind of resents me for breaking up with Brian in her way. And, I'm not ready to tell my mom yet.
Right now I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for Brian's plane. Lindsay thought I should go because he and I need time to talk. I was reluctant in going to pick him up but she insisted. So here I sat waiting working on some Rage drawings and seriously considering having JT end the life of Zephyr in a blind fury. I thought better of it. Michael thinks JT should be killed off, since he is based on me and Brian and I have no relationship anymore so the character has lost his purpose. I told him if JT goes so do I. So we kept him around for now.
I see Brian come out of the terminal. He's looking for Lindsay. When he sees me it's like a deer in headlights. Nothing. He stops dead in his tracks and then after a heartbeat or two he walks over. I smile weakly at him. He doesn't do the same. I pack up my sketchbook and sigh.
"Lindsay sent me to get you because she thinks we need to talk or something. I was against it, " I said, looking down.
"She came over to make you come get me? What did your husband say? I can't believe he let you off your leash." Sarcasm. yay.
"That is what we have to talk about," I say softly.
He cocks an eyebrow in that way he does that makes me melt from the inside out until I can hardly remain on balance and I take one of his bags to help him out as we talk to the muncher's Subaru. He gets in the passenger side after we toss his bags into the hatch back trunk. I climb into the driver's seat and I stop a second to breathe deep and prepare for my moment of hurting Brian once again. If he'll even care.
I sigh before turning the key in the ignition and pray to the powers that be that Brian didn't notice my hand were shaking slightly as I placed them on the wheel. I was starting to feel a little ill. Part of why they refer to it as an "illness" I suppose. I closed my eyes again hoping the nausea would subside before I got too much of Brian's attention. Too late.
"Are you alright Justin?" he asks.
"Let's get some coffee or something." I say calmly trying to change the subject.
He nods.
So I pull up at the Diner and we go in together for the first time in a long time. We sit where we used to sit when we were together. I smiled a little remembering the good times of the ill -fated ""relationship". We order some coffee and then there is silence as the waitress pours it into the cups.
"Ethan left me, that's why I could come see you and why I'm staying with Mel and Linds," I say to start.
He pours some cream into his coffee nonchalantly and I notice how I missed the little mannerisms of Brian while we were apart. "So what did you do to make Mr. Perfect split?"
I deserved that. "I got sick, he couldn't deal. And vamoose!"
He stops. "Sick how?"
I shrug and don't answer. He keeps his eyes trained on me like I am the most exciting thing in the world. I look down gathering my strength to speak the words. I knew it would be hard but I never imagined this. This was the man I love. Suddenly I couldn't tell him.
"Well Justin, are you going to say anything?" He asks impatiently.
"I have a hole in my heart!" I blurt and immediately wish I'd stayed in awkward silence.
I get my wish as he stays silent himself. He stares at me as if he wasn't ready for it or he's not regretting that I told him. I look at my coffee, watched it swirl around in the cup as I absently turn my spoon around in it. I sniffle, crying a little for telling him the news. I know he is watching and I doubt he knows what to say. And when I look up, he's crying a little too.
"H-how long have you known?" he asks.
I shrug. "A couple weeks."
Brian looks down. I'd never seen him like this. Not after I left him, not after the bashing, never had I seen such pain in his face and in his eyes. He had such a look of loss. It was like I was already dead. This in his expression might as well be the final blow, the one that is the lethal end. I realize suddenly how much I love Brian and how much I always will. And perhaps now he feels the same for me.
"How long do you have?" he asks, sniffling and barely being able to choke the words out. My news had hit him like a train.
I tell him I wasn't a hopeless case. They had treatments, surgeries and if all else failed a transplant they could try. He just listens and I don't think he could understand. He wants to know why I had this illness. Like I could give him an answer. Even I don't know.
"I'm sorry for hurting you Brian," I whisper. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't plan on Ethan and I never wanted it to end the way it did."
"You were unhappy," he replies. "You had every right to go on. If anything I should apologize."
I smile. "Brian Kinney doesn't do apologies."
"Maybe he should start."
He come over to my side of the booth and hugged me close to him. This brings me to tears. He holds me there while I cry, just being there and rubbing my back and letting me know I am okay I feel safe there with him. I feel like even if I die right now I will be happy. I am with Brian again. Nothing on earth feels more right then having Brian hold me.
"If you need anything at all you come to me okay, I'll be here for you. I'll even pay for your treatments." He whispers.
I nod. "Don't let go."
He doesn't.
He brings me back to Lindsay and Melanie's and says hello to Lindz before hesitantly letting my hand go and leaving for his car. I barely notice that we were holding hands. It all seems so natural. Like it had never been gone.
Lindsay smiles when Brian finally leaves with a reluctant exit. She hugs me and I hug back again with the safe feeling. Lindsay has always been like a second mother to me. I never question her respect. I know she'll be there even at the worst times.
"I told him," I say.
"You had to tell him eventually," She reassures.
I smile weakly and excuse myself upstairs. When I walk past Gus' room I see him playing with Mel. It makes me cry. God I cry easy these days. I see them and I just think of all the things I will be missing out on if this kills me. If I die I'll never experience playing with Gus again. Or ever have a kid of my own.
I guess Mel heard me because she came out and hugged me close. I cry on her shoulder and find my third mother. Lesbians are pretty cool like that. Sure we give them a lot of shit but when you get to your worst, they will be there for you. Guess it's a female thing. If you can even call them female? About that time Lindsay walks up the stairs and smiles. I wipe my eyes.
"Brian's here," she says.
"He's back?" I ask quizzically.
She nods. "He wants you to come home with him."
I run downstairs to see if she's feeding me tales or if I'm really being requested at Chez Kinney. Sure enough there he stands at the bottom of the stairs, hands in pockets and rocking back and forth impatiently on his heels. A smile like no other must be on my face because Brian has that look in his eye he gets when he does something ridiculously romantic. Something I don't expect but pleases me greatly.
"Let's go Sunshine, I have to work tomorrow," he says.
I hustle upstairs to get my stuff.
Brian is disappointed to learn that I dropped out of PIFA after leaving him at the Rage party. But I had no money and any job that paid enough would exhaust me and be counter-productive, as I had learned well from my brief career as a Babylon Go-Go Boy. Now that I'm sick there really is no place for me at PIFA since as I get worse I'll be in class less and less. It would be kind of a waste of funds. ya know? Besides, you don't need an art degree to be an artist.
When he tells me he kept the money for my tuition set-aside even after the break up. I feel like a dick because after I treated him like he was nothing he still held on to something that had to do with me. Sometimes I don't deserve Brian. The guilt has me in tears again and he kisses my forehead and tells me that we'll use it to pay medical bills.
"I don't want to lose you Justin," he says as I sniffle.
"I deserve to die after what I did," I reply.
"Don't ever say that!" Brian snaps. "You did what you had to do. When it comes right down to it, you did exactly what I was doing to you. And, you had every right to move on. I refused to give you what you wanted and what you needed. So it was as much a failure on my part as it was on yours. If not more for me." I look at him with tear filled eyes and soaked cheeks. He smiles and wipes my tears.
"I fucked up with you Justin," he says.
The first night back in Brian's bed and back in Brian's arms is like falling in love again. Though I never stopped loving Brian at all I fell like I am meeting him all over again. It is the best feeling ever. I realize that I don't even miss Ethan. I can barely remember Ethan's face. My entire world is once again surrounded and filled with Brian Kinney. And I don't mind.
"Will you still be here when I'm too sick to move, and I'm too week to fuck you because of this stupid defect?" I ask
He reaches up and strokes my hair in a calming, soothing way. I love it when he does this. But I am really waiting for an answer.
"Yes Justin," he whispers.
That is all I need.
I snuggle closer wishing that I wasn't getting back together with him because of me being sick. It feels like that is the only reason. He keeps stroking my hair until I can barely stay awake.
"Brian," I whisper.
"Yeah?"
"Do you love me?"
Silence. "Yes Justin, I love you."
Four months later Brian is just getting off the phone with one of my specialists. He's been doing all he can, on the phone day and night to find me anything that will save my life. Anything. He lies down beside me and looks exhausted. All that work, all that love and all that energy that has come out of the new relationship Brian Kinney is taking its negative toll. He isn't sleeping enough. He is working to hard and he is worrying too much. It is my fault. I know it is my fault.
"Baby, get some sleep please," I say when he gets settled.
"But what if-"
"Don't argue. Just get some sleep. I will be fine without your watch dogging for a couple hours." He sighs defeated and after he's put his head on my chest he's out in seconds. I stroke his hair and plant a loving kiss on his forehead. Watching his face as it calms into sleep and realizing how I've missed it since he started being dotting.
When Brian was finally getting rest or when I was sleeping he was ultra paranoid. He slept with his head on my chest just in case or would lay there when I was sleep. I knew why he was doing it but I saw how at ease he was when I opened my eyes and he faked sleeping. It was the one assurance he had and I wasn't about to take it away even though it didn't give me much confidence. If he needed to make sure my heart was still beating, then he has that right.
As days go on and I get worse I know that's all I'm going to get before I can start the better side. I am only getting worse. It should also be noted that I am now in the hospital and being force fed through tubes. I'm too weak to feed myself. I can't do anything more then lie here. Please, don't let me go out this way. Not here. Not like this. I'm not ready.
Watching the door as it swings open I see Brian step inside for the millionth time. I smile weakly as he takes a seat by my bedside and takes my hand. He kisses it and I feel the blush in my cheeks. He smirks. I also notice in his eyes how much pain this is causing him. I admire him for keeping it together. I can't imagine how much it hurts for him to see me like this. And how hard it is to hold it in.
"They gave me a few minutes to come see you off before you head to surgery," He says, stroking the back of my hand.
"That's nice of them," I say.
He nods.
"Brian if I don't-"
"Shut up!"
"Brian please let me finish. Please let me get this out. If I don't make it I want you to know that I love you. I always have loved you. I always will love you. I'm happy for everything we've had together, good and bad. I'm glad I got to spend part of my life with you and that I had your love."
He's silent. He stares blankly at the bed in front of him. Blank. When Brian looks up his eyes are red with tears and he sniffles, gripping my hand tighter. I smile.
"Don't leave me Justin," he whispered. "I know you'll be okay. Don't be such a twat."
I laugh.
He smiles. "I love you."
That's when the nurse walks in.
Here we go. I stare up at the white ceiling and think of Brian as they put the mask over my mouth to put me under. They tell me to count backwards from 100. So I do. 99 98 97. I think of his tears and of him telling me not to go and not to leave him. 96 95 94 To stay with him. 93 92 91 The he loves me. I'm out. This is it. 90 89. This is it.
The End
It's odd when he plays the mind games. It continued even after the break up. When he saw me with Ethan, on the outside he presented the "good riddance" and "I don't care" bravado. He didn't regret me being pushed away. Of course not! Brian Kinney has no regrets and no apologies. But on the inside he was broken. I didn't know it then. I do know it now.
I'm not with Ethan anymore. He left me when he found out. I live with Melanie and Lindsay and Gus. I'm twenty years old and I'm dying. I have a rare heart condition. Brian is out of own but I'm sure when he comes back Lindsay will hit him with the news full force. I found out on my twentieth birthday. Happy Birthday Justin, you're going to die. Ethan took off after I told him. Haven't seen him since and that was two weeks ago.
I went to Lindsay because she and Melanie were the only two I knew I could trust after the break up. Michael only tolerated for the sake of Rage because with out my art it was just stories in his head. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. He hates me and the way I treated Brian meanwhile this is the way I felt most of the time with Brian. Neglected. Abandoned. I've felt the urge on occasion to leave him alone with his stories in his head, take my artistic talent to something beyond Comics. Rage kind of lost it's feeling when Brian and I split. Ted and Emmett I can trust, more like I don't want to burden them with my illness. I don't know them very well and to just expect them to take me in after the way I acted. it wouldn't be fair. Debbie and Vic have enough to worry about. Deb doesn't need to sick gay boys under her roof and I think she kind of resents me for breaking up with Brian in her way. And, I'm not ready to tell my mom yet.
Right now I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for Brian's plane. Lindsay thought I should go because he and I need time to talk. I was reluctant in going to pick him up but she insisted. So here I sat waiting working on some Rage drawings and seriously considering having JT end the life of Zephyr in a blind fury. I thought better of it. Michael thinks JT should be killed off, since he is based on me and Brian and I have no relationship anymore so the character has lost his purpose. I told him if JT goes so do I. So we kept him around for now.
I see Brian come out of the terminal. He's looking for Lindsay. When he sees me it's like a deer in headlights. Nothing. He stops dead in his tracks and then after a heartbeat or two he walks over. I smile weakly at him. He doesn't do the same. I pack up my sketchbook and sigh.
"Lindsay sent me to get you because she thinks we need to talk or something. I was against it, " I said, looking down.
"She came over to make you come get me? What did your husband say? I can't believe he let you off your leash." Sarcasm. yay.
"That is what we have to talk about," I say softly.
He cocks an eyebrow in that way he does that makes me melt from the inside out until I can hardly remain on balance and I take one of his bags to help him out as we talk to the muncher's Subaru. He gets in the passenger side after we toss his bags into the hatch back trunk. I climb into the driver's seat and I stop a second to breathe deep and prepare for my moment of hurting Brian once again. If he'll even care.
I sigh before turning the key in the ignition and pray to the powers that be that Brian didn't notice my hand were shaking slightly as I placed them on the wheel. I was starting to feel a little ill. Part of why they refer to it as an "illness" I suppose. I closed my eyes again hoping the nausea would subside before I got too much of Brian's attention. Too late.
"Are you alright Justin?" he asks.
"Let's get some coffee or something." I say calmly trying to change the subject.
He nods.
So I pull up at the Diner and we go in together for the first time in a long time. We sit where we used to sit when we were together. I smiled a little remembering the good times of the ill -fated ""relationship". We order some coffee and then there is silence as the waitress pours it into the cups.
"Ethan left me, that's why I could come see you and why I'm staying with Mel and Linds," I say to start.
He pours some cream into his coffee nonchalantly and I notice how I missed the little mannerisms of Brian while we were apart. "So what did you do to make Mr. Perfect split?"
I deserved that. "I got sick, he couldn't deal. And vamoose!"
He stops. "Sick how?"
I shrug and don't answer. He keeps his eyes trained on me like I am the most exciting thing in the world. I look down gathering my strength to speak the words. I knew it would be hard but I never imagined this. This was the man I love. Suddenly I couldn't tell him.
"Well Justin, are you going to say anything?" He asks impatiently.
"I have a hole in my heart!" I blurt and immediately wish I'd stayed in awkward silence.
I get my wish as he stays silent himself. He stares at me as if he wasn't ready for it or he's not regretting that I told him. I look at my coffee, watched it swirl around in the cup as I absently turn my spoon around in it. I sniffle, crying a little for telling him the news. I know he is watching and I doubt he knows what to say. And when I look up, he's crying a little too.
"H-how long have you known?" he asks.
I shrug. "A couple weeks."
Brian looks down. I'd never seen him like this. Not after I left him, not after the bashing, never had I seen such pain in his face and in his eyes. He had such a look of loss. It was like I was already dead. This in his expression might as well be the final blow, the one that is the lethal end. I realize suddenly how much I love Brian and how much I always will. And perhaps now he feels the same for me.
"How long do you have?" he asks, sniffling and barely being able to choke the words out. My news had hit him like a train.
I tell him I wasn't a hopeless case. They had treatments, surgeries and if all else failed a transplant they could try. He just listens and I don't think he could understand. He wants to know why I had this illness. Like I could give him an answer. Even I don't know.
"I'm sorry for hurting you Brian," I whisper. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't plan on Ethan and I never wanted it to end the way it did."
"You were unhappy," he replies. "You had every right to go on. If anything I should apologize."
I smile. "Brian Kinney doesn't do apologies."
"Maybe he should start."
He come over to my side of the booth and hugged me close to him. This brings me to tears. He holds me there while I cry, just being there and rubbing my back and letting me know I am okay I feel safe there with him. I feel like even if I die right now I will be happy. I am with Brian again. Nothing on earth feels more right then having Brian hold me.
"If you need anything at all you come to me okay, I'll be here for you. I'll even pay for your treatments." He whispers.
I nod. "Don't let go."
He doesn't.
He brings me back to Lindsay and Melanie's and says hello to Lindz before hesitantly letting my hand go and leaving for his car. I barely notice that we were holding hands. It all seems so natural. Like it had never been gone.
Lindsay smiles when Brian finally leaves with a reluctant exit. She hugs me and I hug back again with the safe feeling. Lindsay has always been like a second mother to me. I never question her respect. I know she'll be there even at the worst times.
"I told him," I say.
"You had to tell him eventually," She reassures.
I smile weakly and excuse myself upstairs. When I walk past Gus' room I see him playing with Mel. It makes me cry. God I cry easy these days. I see them and I just think of all the things I will be missing out on if this kills me. If I die I'll never experience playing with Gus again. Or ever have a kid of my own.
I guess Mel heard me because she came out and hugged me close. I cry on her shoulder and find my third mother. Lesbians are pretty cool like that. Sure we give them a lot of shit but when you get to your worst, they will be there for you. Guess it's a female thing. If you can even call them female? About that time Lindsay walks up the stairs and smiles. I wipe my eyes.
"Brian's here," she says.
"He's back?" I ask quizzically.
She nods. "He wants you to come home with him."
I run downstairs to see if she's feeding me tales or if I'm really being requested at Chez Kinney. Sure enough there he stands at the bottom of the stairs, hands in pockets and rocking back and forth impatiently on his heels. A smile like no other must be on my face because Brian has that look in his eye he gets when he does something ridiculously romantic. Something I don't expect but pleases me greatly.
"Let's go Sunshine, I have to work tomorrow," he says.
I hustle upstairs to get my stuff.
Brian is disappointed to learn that I dropped out of PIFA after leaving him at the Rage party. But I had no money and any job that paid enough would exhaust me and be counter-productive, as I had learned well from my brief career as a Babylon Go-Go Boy. Now that I'm sick there really is no place for me at PIFA since as I get worse I'll be in class less and less. It would be kind of a waste of funds. ya know? Besides, you don't need an art degree to be an artist.
When he tells me he kept the money for my tuition set-aside even after the break up. I feel like a dick because after I treated him like he was nothing he still held on to something that had to do with me. Sometimes I don't deserve Brian. The guilt has me in tears again and he kisses my forehead and tells me that we'll use it to pay medical bills.
"I don't want to lose you Justin," he says as I sniffle.
"I deserve to die after what I did," I reply.
"Don't ever say that!" Brian snaps. "You did what you had to do. When it comes right down to it, you did exactly what I was doing to you. And, you had every right to move on. I refused to give you what you wanted and what you needed. So it was as much a failure on my part as it was on yours. If not more for me." I look at him with tear filled eyes and soaked cheeks. He smiles and wipes my tears.
"I fucked up with you Justin," he says.
The first night back in Brian's bed and back in Brian's arms is like falling in love again. Though I never stopped loving Brian at all I fell like I am meeting him all over again. It is the best feeling ever. I realize that I don't even miss Ethan. I can barely remember Ethan's face. My entire world is once again surrounded and filled with Brian Kinney. And I don't mind.
"Will you still be here when I'm too sick to move, and I'm too week to fuck you because of this stupid defect?" I ask
He reaches up and strokes my hair in a calming, soothing way. I love it when he does this. But I am really waiting for an answer.
"Yes Justin," he whispers.
That is all I need.
I snuggle closer wishing that I wasn't getting back together with him because of me being sick. It feels like that is the only reason. He keeps stroking my hair until I can barely stay awake.
"Brian," I whisper.
"Yeah?"
"Do you love me?"
Silence. "Yes Justin, I love you."
Four months later Brian is just getting off the phone with one of my specialists. He's been doing all he can, on the phone day and night to find me anything that will save my life. Anything. He lies down beside me and looks exhausted. All that work, all that love and all that energy that has come out of the new relationship Brian Kinney is taking its negative toll. He isn't sleeping enough. He is working to hard and he is worrying too much. It is my fault. I know it is my fault.
"Baby, get some sleep please," I say when he gets settled.
"But what if-"
"Don't argue. Just get some sleep. I will be fine without your watch dogging for a couple hours." He sighs defeated and after he's put his head on my chest he's out in seconds. I stroke his hair and plant a loving kiss on his forehead. Watching his face as it calms into sleep and realizing how I've missed it since he started being dotting.
When Brian was finally getting rest or when I was sleeping he was ultra paranoid. He slept with his head on my chest just in case or would lay there when I was sleep. I knew why he was doing it but I saw how at ease he was when I opened my eyes and he faked sleeping. It was the one assurance he had and I wasn't about to take it away even though it didn't give me much confidence. If he needed to make sure my heart was still beating, then he has that right.
As days go on and I get worse I know that's all I'm going to get before I can start the better side. I am only getting worse. It should also be noted that I am now in the hospital and being force fed through tubes. I'm too weak to feed myself. I can't do anything more then lie here. Please, don't let me go out this way. Not here. Not like this. I'm not ready.
Watching the door as it swings open I see Brian step inside for the millionth time. I smile weakly as he takes a seat by my bedside and takes my hand. He kisses it and I feel the blush in my cheeks. He smirks. I also notice in his eyes how much pain this is causing him. I admire him for keeping it together. I can't imagine how much it hurts for him to see me like this. And how hard it is to hold it in.
"They gave me a few minutes to come see you off before you head to surgery," He says, stroking the back of my hand.
"That's nice of them," I say.
He nods.
"Brian if I don't-"
"Shut up!"
"Brian please let me finish. Please let me get this out. If I don't make it I want you to know that I love you. I always have loved you. I always will love you. I'm happy for everything we've had together, good and bad. I'm glad I got to spend part of my life with you and that I had your love."
He's silent. He stares blankly at the bed in front of him. Blank. When Brian looks up his eyes are red with tears and he sniffles, gripping my hand tighter. I smile.
"Don't leave me Justin," he whispered. "I know you'll be okay. Don't be such a twat."
I laugh.
He smiles. "I love you."
That's when the nurse walks in.
Here we go. I stare up at the white ceiling and think of Brian as they put the mask over my mouth to put me under. They tell me to count backwards from 100. So I do. 99 98 97. I think of his tears and of him telling me not to go and not to leave him. 96 95 94 To stay with him. 93 92 91 The he loves me. I'm out. This is it. 90 89. This is it.
The End