DISCLAIMER: Duh, I don't own LOTR or Star Wars or anything affiliated
with them. Also, just so you devoted Star Wars fans know, I am a simple-
minded, rabid LOTR fan who knows next to nothing about your precious
obsession. Please do not write me angry reviews, attack my house in an
angry mob, or tie me in a chair and make me watch Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory for the heinous crime I have committed. Thank you and
good day.
Now for.
THE STORY
One dark November night in the city of Ithilien (AFTER the King Returned, by the way) in a small, crowded apartment, a lonely Jedi knight named Julia sat in her kitchen, contemplating the meaning of life and eating a chicken cheese fajita with extra guacamole.
Julia's life was a sad story. She had no parents, (though there was substantial evidence that she was the only child of Arwen Undomiel and Jar Jar Binks) a sucky job (governing good and evil throughout the universe, and running a small Quik-E-Mark), and one sad, pathetic friend, an elf, who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment.
She was listening, as she always did on Saturday nights, to Ricky Martin, but even his Latino beats couldn't pep her up. She was depressed.
All of the sudden, as Julia was about to take a last bite from her greasy, carbohydrate-laden supper, the doorbell rang, as it usually does in the point in the story.
"I'm coming." she yelled to whoever was there, and began to walk to the door. Unfortunately, the door was kicked over before she could answer it.
It was Molly. (Actually, her name was really a complex, 431-syllable Quenyan tongue-twister, but everyone called her Molly. In case you hadn't guessed, this was the same elf who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment. As it turned out, she also happened to be possessed by Fëanor, the same guy who caused the revolt of the Noldor)
"Sorry about the door. It was Fëanor's fault! No it wasn't! Yes it was! No it wasn't! Yes it was! You cowering fool, it was your fault! And if you do not stop belittling Fëanor, Fëanor will show you what pain felt like back in first age! Sorry, my lord, I am sorry for doubting your greatness. I cower before thee.Beg! I beg to thee! Lick the soles of my feet and then I will forgive thee! Yes master."
Julia didn't really want to look as Molly started to lick the soles of her own feet. She turned around and went back to the kitchen to finish her fajita.
"Wait!" Said Molly, "I have something to tell-Lick, fiend, lick! Yes my lord-but I must tell-I will not let you go until my feet are sparkling clean! Yes, my lord, I'm licking, I'm licking."
Julia sighed. It was impossible to get any information out of Molly, as her significant other was always getting in the way. "Fëanor, let Molly tell me what she needs to. Then she can lick your feet as much as you want. You will let Molly stop licking your feet. You will."
"I will let Molly stop licking my feet."
"Thank you for cooperating. Now what was it you need to tell me?" Julia asked Molly.
"Well, first of all, I gotta say, those Jedi Mind Powers, pretty cool!"
"It's a perk." Julia said. "Ok. Spill."
Molly gulped. "It is with a heavy heart that I bear this news unto me. We must gather together Legolas son of Thranduil, Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Bill the Pony because.*gulp*.because, Hey, is that a chicken cheese fajita you're eating?"
Food was Molly's weakness, a strange characteristic for any elf, who usually order garden burgers without the bun, check sixty times to make sure they don't contain any carbohydrates, and then eat one bite an poke at it with a fork a couple of times before feeding it to a hobbit.
"Yes, but you can't have it until you tell what the motive for this quest is!"
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSE????????" Molly said in her most adorable voice. Julia was about to surrender the fajita to her when all of the sudden Fëanor yelled "You fool! Tell her the information before I make you lick my feet again!!!! Yes my lord. anything my lord.."
"Well?" said Julia, what was now impatiently tapping her foot to the Ricky Martin song in the background. "What is it!"
Molly gulped a third time.
"CUT THE GULPING PUNK!"
"Ok, ok! Serenity, who, in case you didn't know, is your evil twin sister from Switzerland, and Lord Zappia, your evil sixth grade science teacher, just in case you forgot, have joined arms and are cooking up a plot to.gasp.TAKE OVER MIDDLE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!" Molly said breathlessly. Then she fainted, but awoke again as Fëanor chimed in, booming "Now, fool! Now you will continue to lick my feet!"
Julia was dumbfounded. Serenity and Lord Zappia were powerful forces of evil on their own, but together? How could this possibly be completed? How would she, and her hapless companion, convince those three great heroes to join forces with them? (After all, they were all now big celebrities) Would she have time to finish her fajita?
Julia sure wished she could answer all those questions, but Molly was still licking Fëanor's feet (actually, they were her feet) and Julia decided to leave her alone before Fëanor decided to kill them all.
TBC
Authorie person friend (person who was based on Molly): Hello! Ok please review and if you really want to send a flame make the flame be somehow tied to constructive feedback. (A word I learned in second grade!() Once again please please please reviews! And once again apologies to all then rabid star wars fans who have some how been offended by my friends complete and udder distortion of a perfectly fine Jedi knight. (To tick you off even more, we don't even know how to spell the name of those light beam thingies they hurl around! If someone could tell us it would be much appreciated!) So hopefully we will see you at the next post.. or maybe you've had enough of this stupid story and will never read it again! But hopefully that won't happen and we can all get along! Yea! Bye bye!
Now for.
THE STORY
One dark November night in the city of Ithilien (AFTER the King Returned, by the way) in a small, crowded apartment, a lonely Jedi knight named Julia sat in her kitchen, contemplating the meaning of life and eating a chicken cheese fajita with extra guacamole.
Julia's life was a sad story. She had no parents, (though there was substantial evidence that she was the only child of Arwen Undomiel and Jar Jar Binks) a sucky job (governing good and evil throughout the universe, and running a small Quik-E-Mark), and one sad, pathetic friend, an elf, who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment.
She was listening, as she always did on Saturday nights, to Ricky Martin, but even his Latino beats couldn't pep her up. She was depressed.
All of the sudden, as Julia was about to take a last bite from her greasy, carbohydrate-laden supper, the doorbell rang, as it usually does in the point in the story.
"I'm coming." she yelled to whoever was there, and began to walk to the door. Unfortunately, the door was kicked over before she could answer it.
It was Molly. (Actually, her name was really a complex, 431-syllable Quenyan tongue-twister, but everyone called her Molly. In case you hadn't guessed, this was the same elf who had missed the boat to Valinor due to a dental appointment. As it turned out, she also happened to be possessed by Fëanor, the same guy who caused the revolt of the Noldor)
"Sorry about the door. It was Fëanor's fault! No it wasn't! Yes it was! No it wasn't! Yes it was! You cowering fool, it was your fault! And if you do not stop belittling Fëanor, Fëanor will show you what pain felt like back in first age! Sorry, my lord, I am sorry for doubting your greatness. I cower before thee.Beg! I beg to thee! Lick the soles of my feet and then I will forgive thee! Yes master."
Julia didn't really want to look as Molly started to lick the soles of her own feet. She turned around and went back to the kitchen to finish her fajita.
"Wait!" Said Molly, "I have something to tell-Lick, fiend, lick! Yes my lord-but I must tell-I will not let you go until my feet are sparkling clean! Yes, my lord, I'm licking, I'm licking."
Julia sighed. It was impossible to get any information out of Molly, as her significant other was always getting in the way. "Fëanor, let Molly tell me what she needs to. Then she can lick your feet as much as you want. You will let Molly stop licking your feet. You will."
"I will let Molly stop licking my feet."
"Thank you for cooperating. Now what was it you need to tell me?" Julia asked Molly.
"Well, first of all, I gotta say, those Jedi Mind Powers, pretty cool!"
"It's a perk." Julia said. "Ok. Spill."
Molly gulped. "It is with a heavy heart that I bear this news unto me. We must gather together Legolas son of Thranduil, Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Bill the Pony because.*gulp*.because, Hey, is that a chicken cheese fajita you're eating?"
Food was Molly's weakness, a strange characteristic for any elf, who usually order garden burgers without the bun, check sixty times to make sure they don't contain any carbohydrates, and then eat one bite an poke at it with a fork a couple of times before feeding it to a hobbit.
"Yes, but you can't have it until you tell what the motive for this quest is!"
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSE????????" Molly said in her most adorable voice. Julia was about to surrender the fajita to her when all of the sudden Fëanor yelled "You fool! Tell her the information before I make you lick my feet again!!!! Yes my lord. anything my lord.."
"Well?" said Julia, what was now impatiently tapping her foot to the Ricky Martin song in the background. "What is it!"
Molly gulped a third time.
"CUT THE GULPING PUNK!"
"Ok, ok! Serenity, who, in case you didn't know, is your evil twin sister from Switzerland, and Lord Zappia, your evil sixth grade science teacher, just in case you forgot, have joined arms and are cooking up a plot to.gasp.TAKE OVER MIDDLE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!" Molly said breathlessly. Then she fainted, but awoke again as Fëanor chimed in, booming "Now, fool! Now you will continue to lick my feet!"
Julia was dumbfounded. Serenity and Lord Zappia were powerful forces of evil on their own, but together? How could this possibly be completed? How would she, and her hapless companion, convince those three great heroes to join forces with them? (After all, they were all now big celebrities) Would she have time to finish her fajita?
Julia sure wished she could answer all those questions, but Molly was still licking Fëanor's feet (actually, they were her feet) and Julia decided to leave her alone before Fëanor decided to kill them all.
TBC
Authorie person friend (person who was based on Molly): Hello! Ok please review and if you really want to send a flame make the flame be somehow tied to constructive feedback. (A word I learned in second grade!() Once again please please please reviews! And once again apologies to all then rabid star wars fans who have some how been offended by my friends complete and udder distortion of a perfectly fine Jedi knight. (To tick you off even more, we don't even know how to spell the name of those light beam thingies they hurl around! If someone could tell us it would be much appreciated!) So hopefully we will see you at the next post.. or maybe you've had enough of this stupid story and will never read it again! But hopefully that won't happen and we can all get along! Yea! Bye bye!