Canto I: The Television that went Haywire
Midway during my favorite anime, just as the commercials ended
The television grew snowy and the channels went haywire
Until they ended in a dark channel of terrible anime cliches.
Cancellation could not possibly be worse than that place,
(Okay, it might be, but that's scarcely the point)
But, since everything turned out cool, I'll tell the story of what I saw there.
Why me? Never have strayed from the ideal of the anime character.
Perhaps a little too cutesy and childish sometimes
But never so bad as those on the dark channel of terrible anime cliches.
The reception grew crazy again, and between the images of the dark channel
The flickering impression of a joyous show
On which all anime characters of singular likeability and virtue appeared.
Though the screen still remained on the cursed images,
The sight of such a glorious show captivated my attention
And gave me the strength to get up and do something.
With great determination did I rise from the couch
Intent on fixing those rabbit ears (my television's old)
So as to get reception of that show of glory.
Within arm's reach did I get to those antennae,
When in front of me were two horrible creatures,
One resembling a bloated cream puff and the other a sparkling rodent,
Blocked my way. No matter which way I turn would none of them
Let me pass and make those adjustments so desired.
Their annoying noises driving my hands to my ears and leaving me in immobile stupor.
In this agonized state did I prepare to run back to my couch
As the fearsome beasts circled around me
Driving me crazy with their noises
And I would have done this but that a cloud of pink smoke
Behind me poofed into existence.
From the dying remains did appear the weirdest looking girl I have ever seen.
At the sight of this blue haired princess
Dressed in garb that shall hopefully never be in fashion
I cried: "Have mercy upon me, whatever the heck you are!"
As if not hearing my words, the visitor made a dramatic pose upon my couch.
Her head high and her hands upon her hips she called out:
"From the reaches of the second circle of hell and with a divine purpose
The Princess Shiina has arrived." Noticing me for the first time, she continued,
"I'm the voice of human reason sent to guide you.
Aren't you going to bow or something?"
Something such as this, mine eyes had never seen.
As such, they grew larger than those of an anime child
And stared in an unbecoming manner at the stranger.
Finally, my tongue found its motion and the speech bubbles
Above my head came into form.
"Excuse me, do you think you can help me through those creatures?
For I want to adjust the antenna and reach
the show of virtuous and likeable anime characters."
I asked of her. Puzzled, she looked at me.
Remembering some script, she posed again.
"I'm sorry, my friend, that way is closed to you.
To surpass those beasts of character flaws and ill deeds,
Another way must be taken. Come on and follow me.
I will be your guide through the place of eternal pain
(ouch, that doesn't sound really fun at all).
And through a flaming VCR tape of those to be cleansed of
shortcomings to join those likeable and virtuous and on the
network of joy. Whichever channel that is.
If it be your wish to appear on that channel
I suppose someone else must guide you
For the Great Network Exec has banned me."
To her I replied: "Princess, by the Great Network Exec unknown to you
lead me this way. Despite my concern of your reasoning abilities,
be my guide through this sad channel of anime Hell and bring me to Heaven's gate."
And she then: "Come on. We don't have an eternity you know."
She moved on, and, praying I could find a map, I followed.
End of Canto I