Chapter Three = The Council of Along
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Vivian. Also for Gui Zhen for no reason at all.
It was a long time before they met Phlegm again. Upon reaching Riverdale, they found him using the alias of 'Weatherbee' and complaining constantly about a certain fellow named Archie who seemed to give him numerous ulcers.
The Elves were beautiful creatures and Fido was smitten.especially by the one named Gloryfinder who had beautiful blonde hair.ah blonde.there was, however, a shortage of breeches which wouldn't have bothered Fido if only they hadn't insisted upon him wearing skirts and leggings.that was just so last year.
Several days later, the head Elf, Along, called for a secret Council out in the courtyard. Dandruff had arrived earlier in the day in high spirits. He had won his case and accrued an amount of twelve million dollars and was considering purchasing a condo up in Rotan.
Fido found the council exceedingly boring. Along seemed to enjoy saying the words 'Bordor' and 'Doom' in a really scary voice.
".this one Doom."
".answer the threat of Bordor."
The Bobbit was sitting, slumped in his chair, kept awake only by the heavenly sight of Gloryfinder who was sitting in the chair opposite. Lovely! And he'd forgotten his leggings this morning, too.
"Bring forth the jeans, Fido."
"Huh? What?"
"The jeans." Along wheedled as though talking to an exceptionally slow child.
"Oh, right. The jeans.right."
Stepping forward, Fido placed the dreaded garment atop a pedestal. "There! Happy now?!"
"Very good!" Along said distractedly. "I shall give you a lolly. You may return to your seat now."
Muttering, Fido sat down in a huff.
A very large man sitting beside Gloryfinder stood, feet planted apart, looking very smug indeed. "It is a gift!" he cried, staring hungrily at the pants. "A gift to the foes of the Dork Side. Why not wear these jeans?" he licked his lips. "They look very comfortable indeed."
"Do not be fooled by the material, Bronnir!" Prancer said with a frown. (he was always frowning and scowling as he thought this made him look very manly.) "This has been woven from very cheap polyester! *scowl* It will give thee many rashes!"
"And what.would a scout know of this matter?" Bronnir sneered.
"Aha! This is no mere Scout thou seeest before thee!" A very charming Elf said, rising. "He is Alreadygone.son of Longgone.heir to the throne of Gonad. Thou owest him thine butt. He is well skilled in the art of sewing. Aye.he wields a mean needle."
"Sit down, Duplofirst Brownbush.*frown* Thou art very noisy." The newly revealed Alreadygone said, waving him off like a fly. "Yes.it is true. I am the King of Gonad. Bow to me!"
"Gonad has no king. Gonad needs no king. Especially not you. No! I am the King of Gonad! Bow to me!"
"I thought you said Gonad has no king!" Fido said, feeling very confused.
"Well.never mind that! I am the king!"
"No! I'm the king of Gonad!" Along yelled for no reason at all.
"No! No! Me! I'm the king!"
"I'm Spartacus! I'm Spartacus!" Somebody yelled enthusiastically. He was quickly put down.
"You're not the King! You're the drain sweeper from Milkwood!"
"Am too the king!"
"Are not!"
Within a matter of seconds, the quiet courtyard had turned into a raving madhouse. Fido decided it was time to do something.
"I'll take it! I'll take the jeans to Bordor!"
"Nobody said anything about that, you silly twonk!" A Dwarf cried before arguing again. "I'm the king!"
"No, seriously! I'll take it! Just stop fighting!"
One by one, the members of the Council quietened. Along unclamped his jaws from
Dandruff's foot and Bronnir stopped pulling Duplofirst's hair. "What did you say?"
"I'll destroy the jeans! Heck, I'll even throw in an oven toaster each if you'll just stop fighting."
"Very well," Said Along. "I've always wanted toast for breakfast. It's a deal."
"But.I don't even know how to."
"Destroy the Jeans? That's simple. Just walk over to Bordor and toss it into the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®. That should work."
"The Flaming Lava what?"
"Wonky thingy®. Just follow the signs," Along said, indicating a large wooden plaque shaped like an arrow that simply said; 'this way to the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®.'
"Oh. But."
"Never fear, young Bobbit!" Alreadygone said with a defiant glance at Bronnir. "I, as the king of Gonad shall protect you! You have my sword."
"And thou havest mine Bow." Said Duplofirst wispily.
"And my axe." A large and hairy dwarf with chunky braids said. "I'm Gibblet son of Groin, by the way."
Throwing Alreadygone a sneer, Bronnir stood. "OK. I'll go. I'll protect you." He blew a raspberry at the Scout.
Fandalf, stuffing his dentures into his mouth said, "I'll go too. Maria said she won't go out with me unless I got some exercise. So.you have my pointy hat thingy, I guess."
"Oi!" Cried Hairy and Stinkin together, dragging Phlegm behind them. "Will there be mountains?"
"Yeah!"
"Then we're coming too. Going to toss Phlegm off one when we get there."
Alreadygone looked simply delighted as though the thought had never occurred to him. He kept sneaking glances at Bronnir.
Along smiled. "Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of the Jeans. And may none of you come back."
End of Chapter Three
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Vivian. Also for Gui Zhen for no reason at all.
It was a long time before they met Phlegm again. Upon reaching Riverdale, they found him using the alias of 'Weatherbee' and complaining constantly about a certain fellow named Archie who seemed to give him numerous ulcers.
The Elves were beautiful creatures and Fido was smitten.especially by the one named Gloryfinder who had beautiful blonde hair.ah blonde.there was, however, a shortage of breeches which wouldn't have bothered Fido if only they hadn't insisted upon him wearing skirts and leggings.that was just so last year.
Several days later, the head Elf, Along, called for a secret Council out in the courtyard. Dandruff had arrived earlier in the day in high spirits. He had won his case and accrued an amount of twelve million dollars and was considering purchasing a condo up in Rotan.
Fido found the council exceedingly boring. Along seemed to enjoy saying the words 'Bordor' and 'Doom' in a really scary voice.
".this one Doom."
".answer the threat of Bordor."
The Bobbit was sitting, slumped in his chair, kept awake only by the heavenly sight of Gloryfinder who was sitting in the chair opposite. Lovely! And he'd forgotten his leggings this morning, too.
"Bring forth the jeans, Fido."
"Huh? What?"
"The jeans." Along wheedled as though talking to an exceptionally slow child.
"Oh, right. The jeans.right."
Stepping forward, Fido placed the dreaded garment atop a pedestal. "There! Happy now?!"
"Very good!" Along said distractedly. "I shall give you a lolly. You may return to your seat now."
Muttering, Fido sat down in a huff.
A very large man sitting beside Gloryfinder stood, feet planted apart, looking very smug indeed. "It is a gift!" he cried, staring hungrily at the pants. "A gift to the foes of the Dork Side. Why not wear these jeans?" he licked his lips. "They look very comfortable indeed."
"Do not be fooled by the material, Bronnir!" Prancer said with a frown. (he was always frowning and scowling as he thought this made him look very manly.) "This has been woven from very cheap polyester! *scowl* It will give thee many rashes!"
"And what.would a scout know of this matter?" Bronnir sneered.
"Aha! This is no mere Scout thou seeest before thee!" A very charming Elf said, rising. "He is Alreadygone.son of Longgone.heir to the throne of Gonad. Thou owest him thine butt. He is well skilled in the art of sewing. Aye.he wields a mean needle."
"Sit down, Duplofirst Brownbush.*frown* Thou art very noisy." The newly revealed Alreadygone said, waving him off like a fly. "Yes.it is true. I am the King of Gonad. Bow to me!"
"Gonad has no king. Gonad needs no king. Especially not you. No! I am the King of Gonad! Bow to me!"
"I thought you said Gonad has no king!" Fido said, feeling very confused.
"Well.never mind that! I am the king!"
"No! I'm the king of Gonad!" Along yelled for no reason at all.
"No! No! Me! I'm the king!"
"I'm Spartacus! I'm Spartacus!" Somebody yelled enthusiastically. He was quickly put down.
"You're not the King! You're the drain sweeper from Milkwood!"
"Am too the king!"
"Are not!"
Within a matter of seconds, the quiet courtyard had turned into a raving madhouse. Fido decided it was time to do something.
"I'll take it! I'll take the jeans to Bordor!"
"Nobody said anything about that, you silly twonk!" A Dwarf cried before arguing again. "I'm the king!"
"No, seriously! I'll take it! Just stop fighting!"
One by one, the members of the Council quietened. Along unclamped his jaws from
Dandruff's foot and Bronnir stopped pulling Duplofirst's hair. "What did you say?"
"I'll destroy the jeans! Heck, I'll even throw in an oven toaster each if you'll just stop fighting."
"Very well," Said Along. "I've always wanted toast for breakfast. It's a deal."
"But.I don't even know how to."
"Destroy the Jeans? That's simple. Just walk over to Bordor and toss it into the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®. That should work."
"The Flaming Lava what?"
"Wonky thingy®. Just follow the signs," Along said, indicating a large wooden plaque shaped like an arrow that simply said; 'this way to the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®.'
"Oh. But."
"Never fear, young Bobbit!" Alreadygone said with a defiant glance at Bronnir. "I, as the king of Gonad shall protect you! You have my sword."
"And thou havest mine Bow." Said Duplofirst wispily.
"And my axe." A large and hairy dwarf with chunky braids said. "I'm Gibblet son of Groin, by the way."
Throwing Alreadygone a sneer, Bronnir stood. "OK. I'll go. I'll protect you." He blew a raspberry at the Scout.
Fandalf, stuffing his dentures into his mouth said, "I'll go too. Maria said she won't go out with me unless I got some exercise. So.you have my pointy hat thingy, I guess."
"Oi!" Cried Hairy and Stinkin together, dragging Phlegm behind them. "Will there be mountains?"
"Yeah!"
"Then we're coming too. Going to toss Phlegm off one when we get there."
Alreadygone looked simply delighted as though the thought had never occurred to him. He kept sneaking glances at Bronnir.
Along smiled. "Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of the Jeans. And may none of you come back."
End of Chapter Three