Chapter Four = the Jeans go south
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Lydia and the Short One. Also for G.Ma.
When Alreadygone, Duplofirst, Gimlet, Bronnir and Fandalf told Fido he had their weapons, the Bobbit was actually kinda thinking they meant to carry them themselves. Weighed down by a hat, shield, sword, axe and bow, Fido was starting to regret ever agreeing to go on the whole stupid mission.
Their first stop was Cactin; a desert area literally covered in the prickly plant - hence the name. Fido's heart sank at the sight of a sign that read; 'if you're looking for the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®, you've got a long way to go, my friend.' Dropping the baggage, he sat down on a cactus-free spot and moped.
They rarely caught sight of the Dork Riders.especially during the day - parody writers feared light. They did, however, spot the creature Bottom who slunk about watching the jeans wherever they went. "Alreadygone.why is Bottom following us?" Fido asked.
"Why're you asking him?!" cried Bronnir, pounding his fist against a cactus by mistake. "Talk to me! I'm the king of Gonad!"
"So, Alreadygone.what happened?" Fido prodded, ignoring Bronnir.
"Ah.Bottom was an accountant, once, but Saulang's evil consumed him. The Dork Lord has many Spies, you know."
"Yes, yes.Birds, beasts and Math teachers. I know all about them."
"Right. Anyway, he was tortured for the henious crime of dropping the jeans. They made him eat licorice allsorts until his ears bled." Said Alreadygone in a colourless sort of voice.
"Ouch."
"Stop interrupting, will you? *Scowl* Now, he seeks revenge upon the one who carries the jeans. You, namely."
Fido shuddered. "So he'll try to kill me?"
"Well, he won't be asking you for a game of Yhatzee, that's for sure. He'll probrably beat you to death with a fish and eat you." Alreadygone said, laughing. He had a really sick sense of humour.
There was a loud cawing from the South. Looking up, Fido screamed and fainted. "Seagulls!" Duplofirst cried, ducking under a cactus.
"Why are we hiding?!"Hairy asked, looking out at the storm of white birds.
"Seagulls! Many! Poop!"
"Aaaaaarrrgh!"
Whithin seconds, Cactin was covered not in cacti but a flood of bird waste. Once the creatures had passed, the Fellowship eased themselves from under the cactus.
"The passage south is being guarded!" Dandruff said, wiping a drop of dung from his hat with a tissue. "We must take the pass of Carhadhas!"
Gibblet was laughing. "You see, master Bobbit? Saulang's spies? Birds? Those were.the birds? Birds? Geddit?!" He fell to the ground, pounding his fists against it while the rest of the Fellowship watched.
"Okay," Duplofirst said slowly, "Thou art sure we cannot leave him hither?"
"Nope."
"Riiiight." ***
"Carhadhas is basically a very huge mountian. Lotsa snow." Stinkin' read over Fido's shoulder. The young Bobbit was keeping a log of the happenings during their quest. "Good grief, could anyone be more cryptic?"
"Have you disposed of Phlegm yet?" Fido asked, moving his hand to cover the poem he had written about Gloryfinder.
"Oh, yeah. Did it ages ago. Alreadygone tried to drown Bronnir in a snowdrift, too. Hang on." Stinkin' moved Fido's hand aside. "It's very lonely up here. Am amusing self by communicating with rocks and writing in journal. Really, really miss Gloryfinder. Reckon I could find Duplofirst attractive if only he would stop complaining about how all his hair care potions have frozen up in the snow. This is great!" He hooted, laughing. "Believe me, Fido, your life would make an epic!"
"You think?" said Fido drily.
"Oh, of course!" His cousin said, a big grin plastered on his face. "Here, I'll lend you my pen and you can go write a poem about it.
"Alas!, the perils of my life! "The endless pain! The tears, the strife! "Gloryfinder won't be my wife! "It is far to bad that he should know I'm gay, "For when I am near, he runs away, "He's gone for good, it breaks my heart. "It's because I am a silly fart, "I am so stressed, I just can't relax, "I'm whining about the lack of s."
".and you NEVER wash your hair!" Bronnir yelled before Stinkin' could go any further and before this story could really get weird "You've probrably got lice! "
"I will not wash my hair because I am KING!!!" Alreadygone screamed back, turning roughly the colour of an eggplant. "You poncy little twit!" He then proceeded to stuff snow into Bronnir's ears.
"Okay, that's it!" Dandruff boomed. "I have had it with you two. I don't care who is king, you two are not going to try freezing each other to death any more." Alreadygone and Bronnir sat up in the snow, looking extremely guilty. Alreadygone picked up a pebble and was examining it with a show of great intrest. Dandruff rolled his eyes.
"We're going through the mines of Morwen."
"I forsee an unplesantness,"said Duplofirst. He was ignored. ***
An excerpt from Fido Shagging's journal
Dear Diary,
We're in the mines of Morwen. It's very hard to write, as it's extremely dark. Woke up this morning with an awful splitting headache only to find blasted Bronnir stomping about, yelling again. Good Girt, he never stops yelling, ridiculous bearded clot. It's great for terrifying the spiders, (There's a lot of them in Morwen) but it's really annoying if you just want to enjoy your breakfast. Deststable prat. And he's mad about the jeans, too. Throws a wobbly every time he sees it. If he keeps this up, I shall clout him. Useless blat. He called me an unspeakable short git yesterday, too. Hmph. I am really looking forward to clouting him. Very.
Gibblet kicked up a huge fuss today because his cousin Puffin has been dead for over two hundred years. Accused Duplofirst of stealing the message from his inbox. Duplofirst insisted he did not do such a thing, whereapon Gibblet lost his temper and tried to kill him but accidentally knocked an ancient metal bedpan down a dried up well. Nobody knows just how it got there-Dwarves are strange creatures. The noise drew a whole army of Pocks on us (Saulang's beasts) Pocks are a bunch of very strange creatures who can give you a serious case of acne if you look at them for too long. All of us got a severe dose of pimples except Duplofirst. Thank goodness. He would've been devastated. We met up with some gargantuan beast of the Underworld who reminds me very strongly of my math teacher back in Elementary school.anyway, Dandruff died.
We're out of the mines now, though, Gibblet's just telling Duplofirst that the whole 'I'm gonna kill you' incident was the result of the musty, underground air. He was forgiven, and the two have become great friends. I forsee a long and abiding friendship between both of them, unless of course, Gibblet tells Duplofirst about that little incident during which he replaced the Elf's hair tonic with Alreadygone's horse pee samples. By the way, Bottom still wants to kill me.
End of Chapter Four
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Lydia and the Short One. Also for G.Ma.
When Alreadygone, Duplofirst, Gimlet, Bronnir and Fandalf told Fido he had their weapons, the Bobbit was actually kinda thinking they meant to carry them themselves. Weighed down by a hat, shield, sword, axe and bow, Fido was starting to regret ever agreeing to go on the whole stupid mission.
Their first stop was Cactin; a desert area literally covered in the prickly plant - hence the name. Fido's heart sank at the sight of a sign that read; 'if you're looking for the Flaming Lava Wonky Thingy®, you've got a long way to go, my friend.' Dropping the baggage, he sat down on a cactus-free spot and moped.
They rarely caught sight of the Dork Riders.especially during the day - parody writers feared light. They did, however, spot the creature Bottom who slunk about watching the jeans wherever they went. "Alreadygone.why is Bottom following us?" Fido asked.
"Why're you asking him?!" cried Bronnir, pounding his fist against a cactus by mistake. "Talk to me! I'm the king of Gonad!"
"So, Alreadygone.what happened?" Fido prodded, ignoring Bronnir.
"Ah.Bottom was an accountant, once, but Saulang's evil consumed him. The Dork Lord has many Spies, you know."
"Yes, yes.Birds, beasts and Math teachers. I know all about them."
"Right. Anyway, he was tortured for the henious crime of dropping the jeans. They made him eat licorice allsorts until his ears bled." Said Alreadygone in a colourless sort of voice.
"Ouch."
"Stop interrupting, will you? *Scowl* Now, he seeks revenge upon the one who carries the jeans. You, namely."
Fido shuddered. "So he'll try to kill me?"
"Well, he won't be asking you for a game of Yhatzee, that's for sure. He'll probrably beat you to death with a fish and eat you." Alreadygone said, laughing. He had a really sick sense of humour.
There was a loud cawing from the South. Looking up, Fido screamed and fainted. "Seagulls!" Duplofirst cried, ducking under a cactus.
"Why are we hiding?!"Hairy asked, looking out at the storm of white birds.
"Seagulls! Many! Poop!"
"Aaaaaarrrgh!"
Whithin seconds, Cactin was covered not in cacti but a flood of bird waste. Once the creatures had passed, the Fellowship eased themselves from under the cactus.
"The passage south is being guarded!" Dandruff said, wiping a drop of dung from his hat with a tissue. "We must take the pass of Carhadhas!"
Gibblet was laughing. "You see, master Bobbit? Saulang's spies? Birds? Those were.the birds? Birds? Geddit?!" He fell to the ground, pounding his fists against it while the rest of the Fellowship watched.
"Okay," Duplofirst said slowly, "Thou art sure we cannot leave him hither?"
"Nope."
"Riiiight." ***
"Carhadhas is basically a very huge mountian. Lotsa snow." Stinkin' read over Fido's shoulder. The young Bobbit was keeping a log of the happenings during their quest. "Good grief, could anyone be more cryptic?"
"Have you disposed of Phlegm yet?" Fido asked, moving his hand to cover the poem he had written about Gloryfinder.
"Oh, yeah. Did it ages ago. Alreadygone tried to drown Bronnir in a snowdrift, too. Hang on." Stinkin' moved Fido's hand aside. "It's very lonely up here. Am amusing self by communicating with rocks and writing in journal. Really, really miss Gloryfinder. Reckon I could find Duplofirst attractive if only he would stop complaining about how all his hair care potions have frozen up in the snow. This is great!" He hooted, laughing. "Believe me, Fido, your life would make an epic!"
"You think?" said Fido drily.
"Oh, of course!" His cousin said, a big grin plastered on his face. "Here, I'll lend you my pen and you can go write a poem about it.
"Alas!, the perils of my life! "The endless pain! The tears, the strife! "Gloryfinder won't be my wife! "It is far to bad that he should know I'm gay, "For when I am near, he runs away, "He's gone for good, it breaks my heart. "It's because I am a silly fart, "I am so stressed, I just can't relax, "I'm whining about the lack of s."
".and you NEVER wash your hair!" Bronnir yelled before Stinkin' could go any further and before this story could really get weird "You've probrably got lice! "
"I will not wash my hair because I am KING!!!" Alreadygone screamed back, turning roughly the colour of an eggplant. "You poncy little twit!" He then proceeded to stuff snow into Bronnir's ears.
"Okay, that's it!" Dandruff boomed. "I have had it with you two. I don't care who is king, you two are not going to try freezing each other to death any more." Alreadygone and Bronnir sat up in the snow, looking extremely guilty. Alreadygone picked up a pebble and was examining it with a show of great intrest. Dandruff rolled his eyes.
"We're going through the mines of Morwen."
"I forsee an unplesantness,"said Duplofirst. He was ignored. ***
An excerpt from Fido Shagging's journal
Dear Diary,
We're in the mines of Morwen. It's very hard to write, as it's extremely dark. Woke up this morning with an awful splitting headache only to find blasted Bronnir stomping about, yelling again. Good Girt, he never stops yelling, ridiculous bearded clot. It's great for terrifying the spiders, (There's a lot of them in Morwen) but it's really annoying if you just want to enjoy your breakfast. Deststable prat. And he's mad about the jeans, too. Throws a wobbly every time he sees it. If he keeps this up, I shall clout him. Useless blat. He called me an unspeakable short git yesterday, too. Hmph. I am really looking forward to clouting him. Very.
Gibblet kicked up a huge fuss today because his cousin Puffin has been dead for over two hundred years. Accused Duplofirst of stealing the message from his inbox. Duplofirst insisted he did not do such a thing, whereapon Gibblet lost his temper and tried to kill him but accidentally knocked an ancient metal bedpan down a dried up well. Nobody knows just how it got there-Dwarves are strange creatures. The noise drew a whole army of Pocks on us (Saulang's beasts) Pocks are a bunch of very strange creatures who can give you a serious case of acne if you look at them for too long. All of us got a severe dose of pimples except Duplofirst. Thank goodness. He would've been devastated. We met up with some gargantuan beast of the Underworld who reminds me very strongly of my math teacher back in Elementary school.anyway, Dandruff died.
We're out of the mines now, though, Gibblet's just telling Duplofirst that the whole 'I'm gonna kill you' incident was the result of the musty, underground air. He was forgiven, and the two have become great friends. I forsee a long and abiding friendship between both of them, unless of course, Gibblet tells Duplofirst about that little incident during which he replaced the Elf's hair tonic with Alreadygone's horse pee samples. By the way, Bottom still wants to kill me.
End of Chapter Four