Chapter five = Lotoflory (and many startling revelations)
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Mun and all my cousins with profound adoration
The woods of Lotoflory was a beautiful place and home to the Elven queen Gladeintheair (also known around Lotoflory as 'Puffy' the peacock-crested girdle. Don't ask me.)
The moment they'd arrived, the Fellowship had been taken to Gladeintheair and her husband Celeryborn. "Nine companions left Riverdale," she said, "Yet.only seven remain. Tell me, where if Dandruff? For I much desire to sleep.uh.speak with him."
"He has fallen into shadow." said Alreadygone, bowing.
"Why'd you answer for?!" screeched Bronnir. "I'm the king of Gonad!"
Alreadygone and Bronnir's rivalry, it seemed, had not diminished.
"I'm the king!"
"No, I am!"
This carried on for several days until Alreadygone finally succeded in drowning Bronnir in Gladeintheair's mirror (aka. Big, Stainless Steel Basin of Water.) Who knew Bronnir couldn't swim?
The Gladhaddrim, as the people of Loroflory were called, seemed to have taken up a profound intrest in horticulture and spent most of their lives in trees, proving once and for all, that the Elves were descendants of the Great Monkey who lived in the Sky and not from the Great Eggplant who lived in a Bush (Note: I would like everyone to know that I currently am tied to a chair with a gun barrel pointed at my head, being forced to write these things by a man who calls himself 'Mr. X' although the reason as to why he is wearing a McDonalds uniform with a name tag saying 'Hello, my name is David Brown' Is entirely uncertian. Anyway, I am not acting out of my own free will. Now, back to the story.)
It was in the middle of the night and Fido still wasn't able to put his mind to rest. He considered taking off all his clothes and hopping about the courtyard for a lark but thought better of it. Lotoflory was extremely cold at this time of year.
"Fido."
He opened his eyes and looked up into the Elven queen's own. "Yes?"
"Come with me."
Pulling his breeches up and over his leopard-print boxer shorts, he followed the Lady to a clearing in the middle of which stood the Mirror which we shall, from now on, refer to as BSSBW. "Look inside," urged Gladeintheair, gesturing toward the BSSBW. "Look inside and tell me what you see.
Fido pulled himself up the pedestal on which the Mirror stood and peered inside. The lifeless face of Bronnir glared back at him.
"Yaaaaah!"
"Do you know anything about this?!" the lady thundered, looking less like a lady and more like a rabid rhino on a rampage. "Do you know how a member of your fellowship could clog up my drain?!"
"I.I don't know! Honestly, my lady. I know nothing of this!"
"You lie!"
"No! Seriously! And to prove it to you." Fido pulled the jeans from his pocket. "I will give you the One Jeans."
"You." Gladeintheair's features twisted weirdly. "You offer it to me freely."
"I do. If you ask it of me.I will give it to you."
"I must admit.I have very much desired this." she was moving closer and closer now.
"Take it. Please."
There was a ripping sound and the Lady split in half!
"Yaaaaah!" Fido yelled for the second time that day. In Gladeintheair's place stood Alreadygone. "You idiot!" He cried, slapping Fido across the face with his wig. "You were willing to betray us!"
"I wasn't!"
"Yes you were! You're a traitor."
"And what were you doing wandering around in a dress?!"
The scout's eyes widened. Clearly he was not anticipating such a question. "I was just.ah.checking on you! To.um, see how loyal you are to us."
Fido may not have been a rocket scientist but Alreadygone's hesitation quickly gave him away. "You're a transvestite!"
"No!" said Alreadygone quickly, but his voice lacked rancor.
"Yes you are!"
"Oh, fine." Alreadygone leaned very close to Fido. "You don't tell anyone about this and I won't tell about you trying to sell us out.
"Good."
"Fine."
Fido turned to leave but turned at the sound of Alreadygone's voice. "Fido?"
"What?"
"If you so much as make a peep, you'll end up like Bronnir over there."
End of Chapter Five
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Mun and all my cousins with profound adoration
The woods of Lotoflory was a beautiful place and home to the Elven queen Gladeintheair (also known around Lotoflory as 'Puffy' the peacock-crested girdle. Don't ask me.)
The moment they'd arrived, the Fellowship had been taken to Gladeintheair and her husband Celeryborn. "Nine companions left Riverdale," she said, "Yet.only seven remain. Tell me, where if Dandruff? For I much desire to sleep.uh.speak with him."
"He has fallen into shadow." said Alreadygone, bowing.
"Why'd you answer for?!" screeched Bronnir. "I'm the king of Gonad!"
Alreadygone and Bronnir's rivalry, it seemed, had not diminished.
"I'm the king!"
"No, I am!"
This carried on for several days until Alreadygone finally succeded in drowning Bronnir in Gladeintheair's mirror (aka. Big, Stainless Steel Basin of Water.) Who knew Bronnir couldn't swim?
The Gladhaddrim, as the people of Loroflory were called, seemed to have taken up a profound intrest in horticulture and spent most of their lives in trees, proving once and for all, that the Elves were descendants of the Great Monkey who lived in the Sky and not from the Great Eggplant who lived in a Bush (Note: I would like everyone to know that I currently am tied to a chair with a gun barrel pointed at my head, being forced to write these things by a man who calls himself 'Mr. X' although the reason as to why he is wearing a McDonalds uniform with a name tag saying 'Hello, my name is David Brown' Is entirely uncertian. Anyway, I am not acting out of my own free will. Now, back to the story.)
It was in the middle of the night and Fido still wasn't able to put his mind to rest. He considered taking off all his clothes and hopping about the courtyard for a lark but thought better of it. Lotoflory was extremely cold at this time of year.
"Fido."
He opened his eyes and looked up into the Elven queen's own. "Yes?"
"Come with me."
Pulling his breeches up and over his leopard-print boxer shorts, he followed the Lady to a clearing in the middle of which stood the Mirror which we shall, from now on, refer to as BSSBW. "Look inside," urged Gladeintheair, gesturing toward the BSSBW. "Look inside and tell me what you see.
Fido pulled himself up the pedestal on which the Mirror stood and peered inside. The lifeless face of Bronnir glared back at him.
"Yaaaaah!"
"Do you know anything about this?!" the lady thundered, looking less like a lady and more like a rabid rhino on a rampage. "Do you know how a member of your fellowship could clog up my drain?!"
"I.I don't know! Honestly, my lady. I know nothing of this!"
"You lie!"
"No! Seriously! And to prove it to you." Fido pulled the jeans from his pocket. "I will give you the One Jeans."
"You." Gladeintheair's features twisted weirdly. "You offer it to me freely."
"I do. If you ask it of me.I will give it to you."
"I must admit.I have very much desired this." she was moving closer and closer now.
"Take it. Please."
There was a ripping sound and the Lady split in half!
"Yaaaaah!" Fido yelled for the second time that day. In Gladeintheair's place stood Alreadygone. "You idiot!" He cried, slapping Fido across the face with his wig. "You were willing to betray us!"
"I wasn't!"
"Yes you were! You're a traitor."
"And what were you doing wandering around in a dress?!"
The scout's eyes widened. Clearly he was not anticipating such a question. "I was just.ah.checking on you! To.um, see how loyal you are to us."
Fido may not have been a rocket scientist but Alreadygone's hesitation quickly gave him away. "You're a transvestite!"
"No!" said Alreadygone quickly, but his voice lacked rancor.
"Yes you are!"
"Oh, fine." Alreadygone leaned very close to Fido. "You don't tell anyone about this and I won't tell about you trying to sell us out.
"Good."
"Fine."
Fido turned to leave but turned at the sound of Alreadygone's voice. "Fido?"
"What?"
"If you so much as make a peep, you'll end up like Bronnir over there."
End of Chapter Five