In a Heartbeat
The Sum of All Fears
Chapter three: "That Damn Circular Memory"
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…
*
" The Kingsport Massacre" was what the newspapers were calling it; one of the worst school shootings since Columbine. Val laughed to her self. And she and Caitie has always thought Kingsport would never be known for anything. The thought seemed hilarious to her. She fell in to a fit of laughter, chuckling to herself uncontrollably until she was on the floor howling like a wild animal locked in a cage. She thought of Caitie then, and begun to cry as well. Val sat on the floor laughing and crying until she couldn't differentiate between the two. It seemed like she would always be doing that, the other following the latter like the caboose of a locomotive. Crying and laughing ; and a heart turned to stone.
Jamie sighed to himself as he slowly made his way up the stairs. He couldn't shake the flashbacks in his head. One second he'd be fine and the next, he'd be back there, at school, waiting for his life to end, and watching Caitie's gradually disappear. The doctor said it was normal, that he was just going through P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that it would eventually go away. It didn't seem like it would to Jamie. And why should it? Caitie was dead along with so many others and for some reason he got to live. It didn't seem fair to him. Why was James Waite's life worth more than Caitlin Roth's? According to Jamie, he deserved to be punished with reoccurring nightmares of that day just for the sole reason that he got to live and she didn't. He would live out he rest of his life with the nightmares and an exaggerated limp that would never go away. He had suffered two months in the hospital, painful surgeries, and a spinal cord that would be damaged forever, but that still didn't compare to watching he friend, the girl he loved, die right in front of him by a bullet he should of stopped.
Hank looked up at the building and his knees shook. They were making them go back. Not to Kingsport High but another one close by. Back to classes and friends, and teachers. Dates and proms and homecomings. The school board felt it was time that everyone should go back to being normal again. They didn't understand. How could anyone? School wasn't just school anymore. It was the place where Hank had watched his friends die and bullets fly throughout the halls. He could never go back to being normal, 'cause normal for him was not the same as it was two months ago. Two months ago he never looked over his shoulder when stepping out the house, afraid of all the horrible things that could happen at any second, any moment. Normal for him wasn't normal anymore. And Hank feared he could never go back to before.
Brooke walked up those steps again as she did every day now. It seemed like everyone in the town both blamed and hated Nick and his family for what happened, even two months later. Brooke didn't think it was fair .Maybe perhaps something could have been done, maybe they didn't love John enough, didn't get involved enough, or care enough. But maybes and what if wasn't going to bring anyone back and as far as Brooke was concerned Nick had nothing to do with any of it. So she went to his everyday like clockwork even when everyone said she shouldn't. But was else could she do? Nick was her best friend and despite the horrible thing his brother had done, Nick had still lost a brother. br
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p Val wondered what would happen to all of them. The victims of the "massacre". She was so tired, so sick of being angry. She wanted to be free, to laugh, to hang out with her friends. Be like before. " Oh, why couldn't things go back to the way they were before?" She thought to herself. The squad and Caitie just like they were? She hated John Cooper with a abhorrence that scared her. Val never thought she was capable of hate. But perhaps she was, perhaps they all were.
"Val?" her mother asked timidly as she crept in to her daughter's room finding her in her current state; laughing and crying on the floor. "What's wrong?"
Val didn't know what to say. So many things were going through her mind. She even hated herself then. Like Jamie she hated herself for living. For being home sick that day. For everything.
Her mother sighed not wanting to say what she was about to. Wanting to spare her broken daughter one less pain. One last shred of innocence. But she couldn't. "Val….Val honey, that was Tyler's mother on the phone. Tyler died last night."
And then like a porcelain doll falling from a shelf , she broke.
* * *
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…
Ten years had passed. Ten long years since the shooting. It took Val a long time to go back to being herself again. Well, basically like her old self. She remembered the day it happened. The day she had to snap out of it.
"It's not my fault." Brooke had said once., maybe a year after it happened. An innocent little phrase after their mother had blamed something on Brooke and Brooke had yelled back stubbornly , "It's not my fault." Even though what Brooke said had nothing to do with her , it made Val remember something she had blocked in her memory. Something Tyler had said the one time she had seen him before he died. Some thing that hadn't mattered till then.
"It's not my fault and it's not yours." Tyler spoke feebly, and so softly that Val wondered if she had heard him at all.
"I should have been there Tyler."
"And done what? Stopped it?" he said skeptically.
"I don't know. But how can I live and Caitie be dead? How is that fair?"
"I don't know how it all works but you can't hate yourself because you got to live. You can't hate John either."
"Why not?" she spoke stubbornly.
"Because it'll kill you Val."
"Don't tell me who to hate Tyler. I came to see you and now that I have, I'll be going." she muttered walking away from the boy she loved but couldn't.
Val shook her head , shaking the memory away. She couldn't believe that she was back here again. At Kingsport. Ten years was a long time. A long time that had put some distance between her and the past. She had gone to college, became a doctor even gotten married. Granted life hadn't been perfect since the "Kingsport Massacre" but it was better. The hate and anger had subsided even though she missed Tyler and Caitie ever day.
"Val?" someone said behind her as she turned around.
"Jamie? Hank?" She said excitedly looking at the two of them, looking so different. The squad had gone their separate ways and times like now made Val wish they hadn't.
"How are you guys?"
"Okay. Better since the last time we talked." Hank joked. The last time they talked had been the week after the shooting. He noticed she looked happier, less angry. Maybe they all were. Time has a way of fixing old wounds, making the world not look so bad.
"And you Jamie?" she asked.
"Good, really good." he smiled back at her. Time like the rest of them had been good to him. Granted the physical restraints of the accident still stayed with him, but the emotion ones had been lifted from his consciousness. The three smiled at each other, what else was there to say? They looked up at the memorial the town had decided to build.
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…
The Sum of All Fears
Chapter three: "That Damn Circular Memory"
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…
*
" The Kingsport Massacre" was what the newspapers were calling it; one of the worst school shootings since Columbine. Val laughed to her self. And she and Caitie has always thought Kingsport would never be known for anything. The thought seemed hilarious to her. She fell in to a fit of laughter, chuckling to herself uncontrollably until she was on the floor howling like a wild animal locked in a cage. She thought of Caitie then, and begun to cry as well. Val sat on the floor laughing and crying until she couldn't differentiate between the two. It seemed like she would always be doing that, the other following the latter like the caboose of a locomotive. Crying and laughing ; and a heart turned to stone.
Jamie sighed to himself as he slowly made his way up the stairs. He couldn't shake the flashbacks in his head. One second he'd be fine and the next, he'd be back there, at school, waiting for his life to end, and watching Caitie's gradually disappear. The doctor said it was normal, that he was just going through P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that it would eventually go away. It didn't seem like it would to Jamie. And why should it? Caitie was dead along with so many others and for some reason he got to live. It didn't seem fair to him. Why was James Waite's life worth more than Caitlin Roth's? According to Jamie, he deserved to be punished with reoccurring nightmares of that day just for the sole reason that he got to live and she didn't. He would live out he rest of his life with the nightmares and an exaggerated limp that would never go away. He had suffered two months in the hospital, painful surgeries, and a spinal cord that would be damaged forever, but that still didn't compare to watching he friend, the girl he loved, die right in front of him by a bullet he should of stopped.
Hank looked up at the building and his knees shook. They were making them go back. Not to Kingsport High but another one close by. Back to classes and friends, and teachers. Dates and proms and homecomings. The school board felt it was time that everyone should go back to being normal again. They didn't understand. How could anyone? School wasn't just school anymore. It was the place where Hank had watched his friends die and bullets fly throughout the halls. He could never go back to being normal, 'cause normal for him was not the same as it was two months ago. Two months ago he never looked over his shoulder when stepping out the house, afraid of all the horrible things that could happen at any second, any moment. Normal for him wasn't normal anymore. And Hank feared he could never go back to before.
Brooke walked up those steps again as she did every day now. It seemed like everyone in the town both blamed and hated Nick and his family for what happened, even two months later. Brooke didn't think it was fair .Maybe perhaps something could have been done, maybe they didn't love John enough, didn't get involved enough, or care enough. But maybes and what if wasn't going to bring anyone back and as far as Brooke was concerned Nick had nothing to do with any of it. So she went to his everyday like clockwork even when everyone said she shouldn't. But was else could she do? Nick was her best friend and despite the horrible thing his brother had done, Nick had still lost a brother. br
br
p Val wondered what would happen to all of them. The victims of the "massacre". She was so tired, so sick of being angry. She wanted to be free, to laugh, to hang out with her friends. Be like before. " Oh, why couldn't things go back to the way they were before?" She thought to herself. The squad and Caitie just like they were? She hated John Cooper with a abhorrence that scared her. Val never thought she was capable of hate. But perhaps she was, perhaps they all were.
"Val?" her mother asked timidly as she crept in to her daughter's room finding her in her current state; laughing and crying on the floor. "What's wrong?"
Val didn't know what to say. So many things were going through her mind. She even hated herself then. Like Jamie she hated herself for living. For being home sick that day. For everything.
Her mother sighed not wanting to say what she was about to. Wanting to spare her broken daughter one less pain. One last shred of innocence. But she couldn't. "Val….Val honey, that was Tyler's mother on the phone. Tyler died last night."
And then like a porcelain doll falling from a shelf , she broke.
* * *
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…
Ten years had passed. Ten long years since the shooting. It took Val a long time to go back to being herself again. Well, basically like her old self. She remembered the day it happened. The day she had to snap out of it.
"It's not my fault." Brooke had said once., maybe a year after it happened. An innocent little phrase after their mother had blamed something on Brooke and Brooke had yelled back stubbornly , "It's not my fault." Even though what Brooke said had nothing to do with her , it made Val remember something she had blocked in her memory. Something Tyler had said the one time she had seen him before he died. Some thing that hadn't mattered till then.
"It's not my fault and it's not yours." Tyler spoke feebly, and so softly that Val wondered if she had heard him at all.
"I should have been there Tyler."
"And done what? Stopped it?" he said skeptically.
"I don't know. But how can I live and Caitie be dead? How is that fair?"
"I don't know how it all works but you can't hate yourself because you got to live. You can't hate John either."
"Why not?" she spoke stubbornly.
"Because it'll kill you Val."
"Don't tell me who to hate Tyler. I came to see you and now that I have, I'll be going." she muttered walking away from the boy she loved but couldn't.
Val shook her head , shaking the memory away. She couldn't believe that she was back here again. At Kingsport. Ten years was a long time. A long time that had put some distance between her and the past. She had gone to college, became a doctor even gotten married. Granted life hadn't been perfect since the "Kingsport Massacre" but it was better. The hate and anger had subsided even though she missed Tyler and Caitie ever day.
"Val?" someone said behind her as she turned around.
"Jamie? Hank?" She said excitedly looking at the two of them, looking so different. The squad had gone their separate ways and times like now made Val wish they hadn't.
"How are you guys?"
"Okay. Better since the last time we talked." Hank joked. The last time they talked had been the week after the shooting. He noticed she looked happier, less angry. Maybe they all were. Time has a way of fixing old wounds, making the world not look so bad.
"And you Jamie?" she asked.
"Good, really good." he smiled back at her. Time like the rest of them had been good to him. Granted the physical restraints of the accident still stayed with him, but the emotion ones had been lifted from his consciousness. The three smiled at each other, what else was there to say? They looked up at the memorial the town had decided to build.
Even now, looking back, I remember everything. The thick consuming cord of anger wrapped around my body, consuming my every thought, my every movement. One piece of my memory I avoided with the ease of a snake, that only now, with the distance of age and perhaps wisdom, am I able to understand and truly let go…