Title: How Heero Stole Duo
Author: Nauta Iupiter (Makoto)
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4 implied
Warnings: Relena bashing, implied sex, insanity, ripping of a classic, just plain weird
Disclaimer: I do not own Dr. Seuess's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" nor do I own Gundam Wing. Wish I did, but it'd be a scary as you can see by this fic. ^_^
Notes: Heero wants to stop Relena from coming, but how?
"How Heero Stole Duo"
Every person on Peacemillion liked Christmas a lot...
But the pilot, who lived up north on Peacemillion, did NOT!
Heero hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his training had made him uptight.
It could be, perhaps, that his spandex was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, his thing or his shorts,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating all sorts,
Staring down from his Gundam with a sour, Heero glare
At the decorations below with their red and green flare.
For he knew every mechanic down in Peacemillion below
Was busy now, hanging the green mistletoe.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! And Relena'll be here!"
Then he growled, with his thin fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep that bitch from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew... ...All the pilots and crew
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for what's due!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then Relena, that wretched girl, would sit down at the feast.
And she'd talk of peace! And talk of peace!
And talk of PEACE! PEACE! PEACE! PEACE!
Then she would start on their wedding, and never cease
Which was something Heero couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN she'd do something he liked least of all!
She'd make a pass, latch onto his arm, for she had the gall,
Would stand close to him, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand, her head on his shoulder. And the bitch would start singing!
She'd sing! And she'd sing!
AND she'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Heero thought of the Bitch-Christmas-Sing
The more Heero thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the bitch from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
HEERO GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Heero laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa suit and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Heero trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a Santa hat..." Heero looked around.
But since Santa hats are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Heero...? No! Heero simply said,
"If I can't find a Santa hat, I'll make one instead!"
So he crawled into his Gundam. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a stalking on top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks
Onto his Gundam, And he prepared to search for Max.
Then Heero said, "Zero engage!" And the Gundam flew out
Toward the home where Duo lay a-snooze without a shout.
All the windows were dark. Artificial snow filled the air.
While Duo was dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first room in the square.
"This is stop number one," The evil Heero Clause hissed
And he climbed into the room, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slipped through the mess. A rather tight pinch.
But if Duo could do it, then it must be a cinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his foot back into his shoe.
On Duo's legs, his stockings, with a hole at the toe.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most loathed,
Around the slumbering pilot, and he made him unclothed!
The Shorts! And the Shirt! The Shoes! The clip to his hair!
The Cross! The Undershirt! The blankets! And the underwear!
And he stuffed it in bags. Then Heero, with a go,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, out the window!
Then he slunk to the pilot. He took the slumbering boy!
He took the Braided Baka! He took his soon to be koi!
He cleared out of that bedroom as quick as a flash.
Why, that Heero made a frantic, quick dash!
Then he looked down at the beauty with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Heero, "You will help me!"
And Heero opened the door, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a young blonde
Little, innocent Quatre, with robe freshly donned.
Heero had been caught by this innocent squirt
Who'd got out of bed 'cause his space heart had hurt.
He stared at Heero and said, "Santa, why,
"Why are you taking our friend, Duo? WHY?"
But, you know, that sneaky Heero was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little Q," the fake Santa Claus lied,
"There's an elbow that won't bend on one side.
"So I'm taking him home to my med kit, my dear.
"I'll fix him up there. Then I'll bring him back here."
And his fib fooled the pilot. Then he patted his head
And he got him a tranquilizer and he sent him to bed.
And when Quatre Winner went back to bed to his Trowa,
HE tossed Duo in the cockpit with a heave and a ho-a!
Then the last thing he did was reach out to pat his secret desire.
Then he went in the Gundam himself, the old liar.
On the inside of the cockpit was nothing but wire.
And the lots of buttons and the system named Zero.
The damn helmet that helped to make him a good hero.
Once he had tried to install it in the other pilot's Gundams.
Leaving them all too unstable to fight, what a conundrum!
It was quarter past dawn... All the mechanics, still asleep
All the pilots, still a-snooze when he kissed his hostage deep,
Slid in his tongue! And tasted his first kiss!
His mouth! And his tongue! Oh what he had missed!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of the Moon,
He rode back to his room, to start his plan soon!
"Pooh-pooh to the bitch!" breath wispy in the icy weather.
"She's finding out now that Duo and I are together!
"She's just waking up! I know just what she'll do!
"Her mouth will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bitch down in Sanc will cry Heero… boo-hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned Heero, "That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Heero put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the ship.
It started in low. Then it started up quick...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at the pilot in his arms! Heero popped out his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
The pilot lying there was looking up with a smile not small,
And singing! Without any clothing at all!
He may have stopped the bitch from coming! But this was new!
To find out Duo had feelings for him, and in turn he did too!
And Heero, with his Heero-feet planted firmly on the floor below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without planning! It came without liking!
"It came without warning, knowledge or striking!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Heero thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe love," he thought, "has been there a while.
"Maybe love...perhaps...is hidden by denial!"
And what happened then...? Well...on Peacemillion they say
That Heero's small member grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants began to feel too tight,
He whizzed with his love through the bright morning light
And he brought him to bed! And then held him tight!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF...! Heero, made love for the first time that night!
Authors Notes: Ok this is one f*ed up fic, ne? It's called having finals to study for and yet being taunted by snow, a rarity here in NC, that is covering the world just outside your window. Such unfair teasing can cause one to go crazy and write funky fics. That's my excuse.
Anyways, quick explination, ok, Heero hates Relena (who doesn't?) and wanted something to keep her for coming for Christmas. So he gets an idea to use Duo and pretend to be lovers, but well… he realizes that he actually does love Duo, and it turns out Duo too. Yay…. Whatever. ^_~
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a uh… Good day?! (since it is not night ^_~)