AN: Here's Chapter seventeen
Buffy had called Xander and Anya over after she had talked to Giles; she didn't say anything to Dawn about Spike... yet. They sat around the living room in an awkward silence.
Xander: He still looks like Spike
Buffy: That's because he is, (looks at Spike) What do you remember?
Spike: (thinks for a second) I remember waking up on the sidewalk and running into the man with the big ears
Giles: nothing before that?
Spike shook his head and looked at Buffy, she was so beautiful.
Anya: I don't understand, you said he staked himself
Willow: He did, but now he's back so everything is better
Buffy: No it isn't Will, he's not Spike, not the Spike we all knew
Xander: And this is a bad thing?
Buffy glared at Xander and he backed off, she looked at Spike.
Buffy: You can stay here tonight and we will fill you in on everything maybe it will spark some memories or something, (looks at the others) I'm going to go tell Dawn before she finds out herself.
Buffy left the living room and headed up the stairs, Spike could tell that she had a connection with him then he remembered what the man with the big ears had said:
"You love Buffy"
Spike closed his eyes reaching into his mind trying to remember anything that might make this awkward situation better, but he came up with nothing.
Willow: (To Giles) Could you do a memory retrieving spell or something?
Giles looked at the redheaded ex-witch and shook his head.
Giles: It could be done but I need to work on a way to trap Uther that has to be our number one priority now
Willow nodded, she looked at Spike and wished she could tell everyone why he was like this, she headed to the backyard, she needed to talk to Tara.
***
Buffy knocked on Dawn's door before she walked in, the teen was writing in her diary; she looked up at her sister.
Dawn: Hey Buffy how did Patrol go?
Buffy: (shrugs) Dawn, I'm going to tell you something that you might not be able to believe at first
Dawn looked at her sister impatiently
Buffy: Spike is back Dawn, but he doesn't remember anything at all
Dawn's mouth dropped opened, she knew it wasn't a joke Buffy wouldn't have joked around about Spike expressly after what he had done to himself in front of her in LA.
Dawn: I-Is he here?
Buffy nodded and Dawn could already see the tears forming in her eyes.
Buffy: He's downstairs, I guess you can go say Hi to him
Dawn nodded and started towards the stairs, Buffy soundlessly went in her room and shut the door. Dawn didn't know what to expect as she descended down the stairs to see the one guy in her life that didn't treat her like a kid when it mattered.
***
Tara appeared before Willow as she shut the back door.
Tara: I could hear you call is everything ok?
Willow: Sort of, Spike is here right now
A smile broke out on Tara's face, happy that he had found his way to Buffy.
Tara: That's great
Willow: Not really Tara, he doesn't remember anything and I think him being here has upset Buffy, I think she wants the old Spike back
Tara: He is the old Spike, just give him some time
Willow looked at Tara she had a feeling she wasn't telling her everything.
Willow: Tara, you told me everything right, about what would happen if he came back
Tara: Willow, Before I sent him here I did a spell, so that his memories would gradually come back, I'm not sure it will work or not, that's why I didn't tell you... at first, just tell Buffy to give him some time, you never know Spike night even have some surprises of his own.
Tara smiled and left Willow alone; Willow retreated back into the Summers' home.
***
Dawn shyly made her way into the living room, she saw the white haired Vampire, he was sitting his back to her, Xander was the first one to see her walk in the room.
Xander: Hey Dawnie, want to come sit with us?
With Xander's words, Spike turned and looked at the young girl, he felt no sparks, nothing jolted his memory, he could tell the girl was afraid to approach him.
Spike: It's ok, Dawnie you can come in I won't bite
Dawn felt a chill go down her spine Spike never called her Dawnie, she entered the room and sat next to Anya.
Once again they sat in a awkward silence as Willow walked in the room asking where Buffy was.
***
Buffy sat on her bed, her thoughts running madly around in her head:
Spike was back... Spike was back... Spike was back
She didn't know whether to leap for joy or smack him for staking himself, but she knew she couldn't do that now, he was just an empty hollow shell believing whatever we tell him. Buffy sighed and laid back staring at the ceiling, still thinking.
How could he have come back?
Buffy mind had tumbled over the fact that maybe Spike was brought back for the same reason Angel was, but that didn't explain why he was human.
So many questions she didn't have answers to, so many reasons of why he was brought back.
Will he love me the way he did before?
This question had come out of no where but Buffy had to think, she did love him but would he ever find a way to love her back?
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye.
She would suffer she would fight and compromise.
She's been wishing on stars that shine so bright.
For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight
Buffy sighed again, and she wondered if she could love Spike the way he was now, if he would ever become the man he once was.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't hold him this way.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't love him this way.
She tried to picture his eyes the way they were before, so full of love and life... now they were confused and scared.
Buffy wondered if his sudden amnesia would be temporary like Angel's beast-like ways when he was brought back, that suddenly made Buffy wonder whether or not Spike was in a hell dimension being tortured because he loved her.
How she'd be soothed how she could be saved if he could see.
She needs to be held in his arms to be free.
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand.
'Till she knows that the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man.
The more Buffy wondered the heavier her heart became, and she began to think if she could ever love Spike in the condition he was in.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't hold anybody this way.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't love him
Buffy put her hands over her face just wanted to rid herself of these feelings these thoughts, these questions. There was a evil bad guy vampire prowling around the streets of Sunnydale and she had to stop it and she knew if she continued to just sit around and mope and wonder about her life, that she wasn't doing her duty and people were in danger.
That's one thing about a slayer I'll never get used to... the loneliness
Buffy shook the thought away knowing that she wasn't alone and to prove her point Willow knocked on her door and walked in Buffy's room.
And as she runs away she fears she won't be followed.
What could be worse then leaving something behind?
And as the depth of ocean slowly becomes shallow,
It's loneliness she finds.
If only he was mine.
Buffy smiled at her best friend, Willow sat down next to Buffy on her bed.
Willow: How are you doing Buffy?
Buffy: Good, I guess
Willow: So are you up here alone because it's weird around Spike or do you not want to socialize?
Buffy looked at Willow, knowing she couldn't hide anything from her friend.
Buffy: (sighs) It's Spike
Willow: I sorta guessed that already
Buffy: Thought so
Willow: You know it might not last forever you know, he might start remembering things
Buffy: I know but just seeing him like that, he's not the same person, not saying he was ever a person to begin with...
Willow: you know that's not true Buffy, I mean the only reason he could have been changed back to a human is that he deserved it, he proved himself worthy for redemption.
Buffy looked at the floor not responding to Willow's truthful words.
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye.
She would suffer she would fight and compromise.
She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright.
For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight.
Buffy nodded and looked at Willow tears in her eyes, Willow put an arm around her friend.
Willow: It's going to be ok Buffy, believe me
Buffy: I just don't know if he still loves me... or if he ever remembers loving me
Willow: I don't think you can forget loving someone
Buffy: Well it seems Spike did.
Willow: Maybe he is in a state of shock from becoming human, or maybe he hit his head, there are so many possibilities
Buffy: I know and he will never be the same
Willow: You don't know that
Buffy: Believe me Will I do
She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she wont, she must rinse him
Willow looked at her friend sadly, not knowing what to say. Buffy finally let the tears that she thought she got rid of in LA roll down her face.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't hold him this way.
She must rinse this all away.
She can't love him this way.
Willow took her friend in her arms as she began to cry.
Buffy: I can't love him this way, Willow... I just can't
AN: That's chapter seventeen, the next one should be coming soon and in case you are wondering the song I used is Vanessa Carlton's song Rinse, I don't own it so don't sue me PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!