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***
The silence in this room is killing me. Not that it is silent at all. This room is in an unused hallway of the castle, but I can still sense people all around me. I can hear voices and footsteps echoing through the hallways, even though it seems near impossible that they could reach me. Every breath I take, the mere rustle of my hair across my skin is acute and profound, as if every motion made in life is calling out to me. And yet, it is too silent.
Its been days, weeks maybe, since that night in the woods. Term has finished, and most students have already taken Hogwarts Express back to London. Only a few seventh years remain, as graduation ceremony is to be held tomorrow. And after, everyone will be gone, and I will truly be left alone. Dumbledore thought it best that I reside in Hogwarts until I have adjusted to my lycanthropy. Raw energy courses through my veins, runs through my blood like a river of pure anticipation. I am waiting, always waiting, and the stillness of the room makes it seem unbearable.
I want to hunt. Something is missing from my soul, and I yearn to find it. I can almost taste it in the air, a familiar musk surrounding me that has been fading slowly with each passing hour.
Finally, I can stand it no longer. I quickly pull a dressing gown over my night shirt on my way out the door. My senses are assailed the moment the door is open. Light streams through a row of towering windows along one side of the corridor, nearly blinding in its strength. New sounds nearly sizzle in their potency, new smells filling my breath.
An inexplicable thrill trembles up my spine, causes the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. Just leaving my sickroom causes a release of some sort, yet the want is still there, waiting to consume my sanity. That scent, the one I desire, is stronger out here. It's everywhere.
I walk quickly down the hallway, nearly sprinting as the odor grows stronger. Soon, it's not only a smell, but the residue of a presence that I follow. The world blurs around me, fades away as my feet and my heart carry me towards a part of the castle I have never been to before.
I stop before a closed door. I know I have arrived despite the fact that I do not know where I am. I reach towards the knob, fingers grazing the smooth metal hesitantly before I turn it and push the door open.
It's a bedroom.
A stained glass window stretches across the bulk of one wall, casting a kaleidoscope of colours throughout the room. An ancient desk is pushed up against said window, assorted stationary neatly organized on the surface. A large oak wardrobe lies to one side of the room, most of it's drawers and doors either open or hastily shut. A large four poster bed completes the furniture of the room , completely stripped of it's bedding with exception of two thick pillows. Sheets and blankets are folded at the foot of the bed in preparation of the next occupant.
The feeling that has hidden at the back of my mind, the anxiousness that has haunted me for the past few days springs to the surface. I feel as if I am trying to go everywhere at once. I want to touch everything in the room, to try to soak up that essence that is so powerful within these walls. A ripping sensation tears at my heart, and I am so sure that I am dying, I crave so much.
I fall forward, pressing my forehead to the ground in a desperate attempt to stop the world from falling apart without me. Frantic sobs press against my throat, trying so vigorously to escape that my entire body tenses to keep them inside. I crawl over to a trash can beside the desk and heave what little breakfast I ate into the metal bin. As I sit back on my knees, my hand comes into contact with a piece of parchment crumpled on the floor. I unfold it curiously, revealing a mess of hurried script.
iMy Dearest Remus,
At last you know the truth about what happened that night. It has been so many years since that fatal day, but thrice more could pass and I would still never forgive myself for doubting you. My distrust has led to the ruin of so many lives. James and Lily are dead, Harry has been orphaned, and you, my love, lost everyone you cared for most in this world.
I don't know if you could ever forgive me for causing so much pain. I don't even have the right to ask for your forgiveness. All I know is that I love you. I loved you then, even when I thought that you had betrayed us, and I love you still. I would move all the stars in the sky to have another chance at happiness with you. Please say that the love you once felt for me has disappeared.
I must go into hiding now. It would be better for you if you did not know where. All I hope for at this point is that I can make amends for all of the suffering I have caused. I cannot change the past, but I want to give you a future.
Yours Forever,
Sirius/i
Sirius? It couldn't be Sirius iBlack/i, could it? A deep growl escapes from my throat as I tear the letter into pieces. A new feeling -- jealousy? -- erupts in my heart, and it is all I can do not to scream. How dare that, that imurderer/i write to imy/i Remus? How dare he! And where is the good professor at this moment? I try and banish the image of Lupin and Black engaging in some lusty carnal embrace.
In the end, I do scream. I scream with every piece of my shattered soul.
***
"Madam Pomfrey!"
I dash across the Great Hall as quickly as my legs can carry me. The students and staff are going through a mock ceremony, with Professor McGonagall reviewing the procedure to those slated to speak to the crowd of misty eyed parents and indifferent siblings. Odd looks come from every direction. I must look a sight, running through a crowd of witches and wizards in my bed clothes, but I care not. The nurse furrows her brow in concern as I stop before her.
"Miss Said? Are you feeling all right? What's wrong?"
I fall to the grown before her, grabbing onto her robes so that I don't collapse completely.
"Madam, it hurts! It hurts so much! You have to make it stop, please, please. . . " I whimper as I bury my face in the folds of her robe, anguish practically seeping from my pores. "I can't do this, I can't. I can't live like this."
I sob as two hands grip my shoulders and pull back. I fall limply against a narrow chest, and I vaguely recognize Percy Weasley before I curl up around him.
"What's wrong, Niranjana? You can tell me anything. I'm Head Boy, after all." I shudder slightly at his fumbled attempt at comfort as an uncertain hand comes up to brush the hair out of my eyes.
"Why did he leave me?"
***
The silence in this room is killing me. Not that it is silent at all. This room is in an unused hallway of the castle, but I can still sense people all around me. I can hear voices and footsteps echoing through the hallways, even though it seems near impossible that they could reach me. Every breath I take, the mere rustle of my hair across my skin is acute and profound, as if every motion made in life is calling out to me. And yet, it is too silent.
Its been days, weeks maybe, since that night in the woods. Term has finished, and most students have already taken Hogwarts Express back to London. Only a few seventh years remain, as graduation ceremony is to be held tomorrow. And after, everyone will be gone, and I will truly be left alone. Dumbledore thought it best that I reside in Hogwarts until I have adjusted to my lycanthropy. Raw energy courses through my veins, runs through my blood like a river of pure anticipation. I am waiting, always waiting, and the stillness of the room makes it seem unbearable.
I want to hunt. Something is missing from my soul, and I yearn to find it. I can almost taste it in the air, a familiar musk surrounding me that has been fading slowly with each passing hour.
Finally, I can stand it no longer. I quickly pull a dressing gown over my night shirt on my way out the door. My senses are assailed the moment the door is open. Light streams through a row of towering windows along one side of the corridor, nearly blinding in its strength. New sounds nearly sizzle in their potency, new smells filling my breath.
An inexplicable thrill trembles up my spine, causes the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. Just leaving my sickroom causes a release of some sort, yet the want is still there, waiting to consume my sanity. That scent, the one I desire, is stronger out here. It's everywhere.
I walk quickly down the hallway, nearly sprinting as the odor grows stronger. Soon, it's not only a smell, but the residue of a presence that I follow. The world blurs around me, fades away as my feet and my heart carry me towards a part of the castle I have never been to before.
I stop before a closed door. I know I have arrived despite the fact that I do not know where I am. I reach towards the knob, fingers grazing the smooth metal hesitantly before I turn it and push the door open.
It's a bedroom.
A stained glass window stretches across the bulk of one wall, casting a kaleidoscope of colours throughout the room. An ancient desk is pushed up against said window, assorted stationary neatly organized on the surface. A large oak wardrobe lies to one side of the room, most of it's drawers and doors either open or hastily shut. A large four poster bed completes the furniture of the room , completely stripped of it's bedding with exception of two thick pillows. Sheets and blankets are folded at the foot of the bed in preparation of the next occupant.
The feeling that has hidden at the back of my mind, the anxiousness that has haunted me for the past few days springs to the surface. I feel as if I am trying to go everywhere at once. I want to touch everything in the room, to try to soak up that essence that is so powerful within these walls. A ripping sensation tears at my heart, and I am so sure that I am dying, I crave so much.
I fall forward, pressing my forehead to the ground in a desperate attempt to stop the world from falling apart without me. Frantic sobs press against my throat, trying so vigorously to escape that my entire body tenses to keep them inside. I crawl over to a trash can beside the desk and heave what little breakfast I ate into the metal bin. As I sit back on my knees, my hand comes into contact with a piece of parchment crumpled on the floor. I unfold it curiously, revealing a mess of hurried script.
iMy Dearest Remus,
At last you know the truth about what happened that night. It has been so many years since that fatal day, but thrice more could pass and I would still never forgive myself for doubting you. My distrust has led to the ruin of so many lives. James and Lily are dead, Harry has been orphaned, and you, my love, lost everyone you cared for most in this world.
I don't know if you could ever forgive me for causing so much pain. I don't even have the right to ask for your forgiveness. All I know is that I love you. I loved you then, even when I thought that you had betrayed us, and I love you still. I would move all the stars in the sky to have another chance at happiness with you. Please say that the love you once felt for me has disappeared.
I must go into hiding now. It would be better for you if you did not know where. All I hope for at this point is that I can make amends for all of the suffering I have caused. I cannot change the past, but I want to give you a future.
Yours Forever,
Sirius/i
Sirius? It couldn't be Sirius iBlack/i, could it? A deep growl escapes from my throat as I tear the letter into pieces. A new feeling -- jealousy? -- erupts in my heart, and it is all I can do not to scream. How dare that, that imurderer/i write to imy/i Remus? How dare he! And where is the good professor at this moment? I try and banish the image of Lupin and Black engaging in some lusty carnal embrace.
In the end, I do scream. I scream with every piece of my shattered soul.
***
"Madam Pomfrey!"
I dash across the Great Hall as quickly as my legs can carry me. The students and staff are going through a mock ceremony, with Professor McGonagall reviewing the procedure to those slated to speak to the crowd of misty eyed parents and indifferent siblings. Odd looks come from every direction. I must look a sight, running through a crowd of witches and wizards in my bed clothes, but I care not. The nurse furrows her brow in concern as I stop before her.
"Miss Said? Are you feeling all right? What's wrong?"
I fall to the grown before her, grabbing onto her robes so that I don't collapse completely.
"Madam, it hurts! It hurts so much! You have to make it stop, please, please. . . " I whimper as I bury my face in the folds of her robe, anguish practically seeping from my pores. "I can't do this, I can't. I can't live like this."
I sob as two hands grip my shoulders and pull back. I fall limply against a narrow chest, and I vaguely recognize Percy Weasley before I curl up around him.
"What's wrong, Niranjana? You can tell me anything. I'm Head Boy, after all." I shudder slightly at his fumbled attempt at comfort as an uncertain hand comes up to brush the hair out of my eyes.
"Why did he leave me?"