I can't believe what I am feeling. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Professor Lupin is a monster, he's a freak. I hate him.
Only I don't hate him. I can no longer deny that. I'm consumed with emptiness without him.
There's something deeper, something feral growing in my subconscious. The wolf, the darkness that has invaded me has a longing. It wants what it wants, even when it makes no sense at all. But why him? Why does it want to be near the one who did this to me? It's all so confusing. Why do I feel this way? I hate Lupin for what he has done to me, but I can't help but miss his presence in the school. Its as if he has drained it of it's friendliness and familiarity. I am a foreigner in a land with no peace.
Sweet Merlin, what has he done to me?
"Niranjana, you have to leave this room sometime."
I burrow deeper under the covers of my bed, pulling Percy's body closer to my own. Its less than an hour before the ceremony and Hogwarts' valedictorian has been in my bed since he carried me back upstairs the day before. "I don't want to. You can't make me."
"But it's igraduation/i, Niri! You have worked for seven years to make it to this day. You should celebrate. And besides, you don't want to miss me falling flat on my face when I go up to make my speech, now do you?"
I chuckle softly before I can stop myself, feeling the lightest that I have since iit/i happened. It ends almost before it could begin, the moment of joviality short lived. I hold my hand over my mouth, suddenly feeling sick deep down in my stomach. Like I have betrayed both Daglash and myself by forgetting that night in the forest. Percy takes my hand in between his own, rubbing the back of my hand with one long thumb.
"It's all right for you to be laugh, Niranjana. Whatever has come about, you are still allowed to be happy."
Tears gather on the tips of my eyelashes, and I keep my eyes open as long as possible to keep them from rolling down my cheeks. "I'll never be happy, Percy. Not ever."
Maybe I never was.
***
I have known Percy since that very first day on Hogwarts Express. I searched most of the train for an empty compartment, but eventually settled for one with a single redheaded occupant. Percy was kneeling on a seat, practically hanging out of the window as his older brothers alternately gave him last minute advice about classes and told him horror stories about what would happen at the castle. Their mother was nowhere to be seen, but shouts of "Fred! George! Get down off of those rafters! Ron, Ginny, where did you get those matches?" could be heard throughout Platform nine and three quarters.
As the train began to pull away from the station, Percy grabbed one of his brother's arms and forced the boy to follow along side of the train.
"Bill, I'm afraid!" Bill grinned widely and pried his arm out from between those freckled fingers.
"Don't be scared, Percy. Hogwarts is great, you'll see!"
Percy began to tremble as his brothers instantly become swallowed up by the crowd of people gathered to bid farewell to the students. He began calling for his mother, searching the sea of faces frantically as we began to pass by with increasing velocity.
She never made it to the train before it left the station all together.
***
Percy pretended to be asleep for the first half of the trip, lying with his back towards me on his seat. His shoulders were shaking slightly with hitching sobs, and I wanted more than anything to say something to comfort him. I would have given my life to make him feel better at that moment. Regardless, whenever I opened my mouth nothing would come out, so we sat in an uncomfortable silence.
I wished as hard as I could for something to break the ice. At that point, I hadn't lived in the wizarding world for seven lonely years. I had been in and out of many foster homes. Some were good, most were not so good. None of my living situations lasted long before I lost control of my powers and found myself standing on the steps of an orphanage. I wanted so much for a friend. For someone to tell me all about wizards, witches, and everything else magic. I wanted someone to tell me that in some places, freaks like me really were normal. I wanted someone to like me.
There was a crashing in the hallways, the noise a sharp contrast with the stillness in our compartment. Percy lifted his face from the crook of his elbow for the first time in an hour. Voices shouted angrily outside of our door. It scared me to hear them, made me feel as if I was back in one of those foster homes and my caretakers had come home drunk again. The noise seemed to excite Percy, who sprung into action more rapidly than his thin form seemed to be able to allow. He wiped tears from his reddened eyes and pulled open the door before I could protest.
Marcus Flint and Oliver Wood fell onto the floor by his feet. I backed away to the end of my bench as the two boys traded punches, continuing their brawl oblivious to our presence. Percy hopped around expertly, avoiding tripping over them as he reached for his wand. He pointed it at the boys and yelled "ORCHIDEOUS!" at the top of his lungs.
Two pairs of eyes stared at him in bewilderment as a single flower sprouted out of the end of the wand. Marcus began to laugh as the bloom wilted before his eyes, quickly forgetting his opponent that was pinned on the ground under him.
"Is that the best you can do? Blimey, what's a squib like you going to a place like Hogwarts for?" Oliver pushed the other boy off of him and stood up beside Percy, who began to blush sheepishly.
"He's not a squib, you thick headed sod. He's got more magic in his bogies than you'll ever have!"
"And I suppose that I was very nearly killed just now by that posy?" Marcus flicked the limp flower still attached to the end of the wand. "Even you had to have seen how pathetic that was, Wood."
Oliver flew at Marcus with an enraged battle cry, effectively knocking the both of them out into the corridor. Percy slammed the door shut behind them. We stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do in the wake of the disturbance. I searched my mind for something, anything to say.
"Are you really a squib?"
The remainder of Percy's blush disappeared as all the colour drained from the boy's face, making his freckles stand out like soil against snow.
"I am inot/i a squib! I'll be the best wizard ever to go to Hogwarts, you'll see!"
My already raw nerves jolted at his voice, so harsh and desperate. I smiled weakly at him as I lay down on the cushioned seat. It was my turn to pretend to sleep.
Percy and I remained a sort of friends, despite our rocky start on the train. No one else seems to understand the rules of the game. No one else understands how crucial the imitation of normalcy is to everyday life.
Only I don't hate him. I can no longer deny that. I'm consumed with emptiness without him.
There's something deeper, something feral growing in my subconscious. The wolf, the darkness that has invaded me has a longing. It wants what it wants, even when it makes no sense at all. But why him? Why does it want to be near the one who did this to me? It's all so confusing. Why do I feel this way? I hate Lupin for what he has done to me, but I can't help but miss his presence in the school. Its as if he has drained it of it's friendliness and familiarity. I am a foreigner in a land with no peace.
Sweet Merlin, what has he done to me?
"Niranjana, you have to leave this room sometime."
I burrow deeper under the covers of my bed, pulling Percy's body closer to my own. Its less than an hour before the ceremony and Hogwarts' valedictorian has been in my bed since he carried me back upstairs the day before. "I don't want to. You can't make me."
"But it's igraduation/i, Niri! You have worked for seven years to make it to this day. You should celebrate. And besides, you don't want to miss me falling flat on my face when I go up to make my speech, now do you?"
I chuckle softly before I can stop myself, feeling the lightest that I have since iit/i happened. It ends almost before it could begin, the moment of joviality short lived. I hold my hand over my mouth, suddenly feeling sick deep down in my stomach. Like I have betrayed both Daglash and myself by forgetting that night in the forest. Percy takes my hand in between his own, rubbing the back of my hand with one long thumb.
"It's all right for you to be laugh, Niranjana. Whatever has come about, you are still allowed to be happy."
Tears gather on the tips of my eyelashes, and I keep my eyes open as long as possible to keep them from rolling down my cheeks. "I'll never be happy, Percy. Not ever."
Maybe I never was.
***
I have known Percy since that very first day on Hogwarts Express. I searched most of the train for an empty compartment, but eventually settled for one with a single redheaded occupant. Percy was kneeling on a seat, practically hanging out of the window as his older brothers alternately gave him last minute advice about classes and told him horror stories about what would happen at the castle. Their mother was nowhere to be seen, but shouts of "Fred! George! Get down off of those rafters! Ron, Ginny, where did you get those matches?" could be heard throughout Platform nine and three quarters.
As the train began to pull away from the station, Percy grabbed one of his brother's arms and forced the boy to follow along side of the train.
"Bill, I'm afraid!" Bill grinned widely and pried his arm out from between those freckled fingers.
"Don't be scared, Percy. Hogwarts is great, you'll see!"
Percy began to tremble as his brothers instantly become swallowed up by the crowd of people gathered to bid farewell to the students. He began calling for his mother, searching the sea of faces frantically as we began to pass by with increasing velocity.
She never made it to the train before it left the station all together.
***
Percy pretended to be asleep for the first half of the trip, lying with his back towards me on his seat. His shoulders were shaking slightly with hitching sobs, and I wanted more than anything to say something to comfort him. I would have given my life to make him feel better at that moment. Regardless, whenever I opened my mouth nothing would come out, so we sat in an uncomfortable silence.
I wished as hard as I could for something to break the ice. At that point, I hadn't lived in the wizarding world for seven lonely years. I had been in and out of many foster homes. Some were good, most were not so good. None of my living situations lasted long before I lost control of my powers and found myself standing on the steps of an orphanage. I wanted so much for a friend. For someone to tell me all about wizards, witches, and everything else magic. I wanted someone to tell me that in some places, freaks like me really were normal. I wanted someone to like me.
There was a crashing in the hallways, the noise a sharp contrast with the stillness in our compartment. Percy lifted his face from the crook of his elbow for the first time in an hour. Voices shouted angrily outside of our door. It scared me to hear them, made me feel as if I was back in one of those foster homes and my caretakers had come home drunk again. The noise seemed to excite Percy, who sprung into action more rapidly than his thin form seemed to be able to allow. He wiped tears from his reddened eyes and pulled open the door before I could protest.
Marcus Flint and Oliver Wood fell onto the floor by his feet. I backed away to the end of my bench as the two boys traded punches, continuing their brawl oblivious to our presence. Percy hopped around expertly, avoiding tripping over them as he reached for his wand. He pointed it at the boys and yelled "ORCHIDEOUS!" at the top of his lungs.
Two pairs of eyes stared at him in bewilderment as a single flower sprouted out of the end of the wand. Marcus began to laugh as the bloom wilted before his eyes, quickly forgetting his opponent that was pinned on the ground under him.
"Is that the best you can do? Blimey, what's a squib like you going to a place like Hogwarts for?" Oliver pushed the other boy off of him and stood up beside Percy, who began to blush sheepishly.
"He's not a squib, you thick headed sod. He's got more magic in his bogies than you'll ever have!"
"And I suppose that I was very nearly killed just now by that posy?" Marcus flicked the limp flower still attached to the end of the wand. "Even you had to have seen how pathetic that was, Wood."
Oliver flew at Marcus with an enraged battle cry, effectively knocking the both of them out into the corridor. Percy slammed the door shut behind them. We stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do in the wake of the disturbance. I searched my mind for something, anything to say.
"Are you really a squib?"
The remainder of Percy's blush disappeared as all the colour drained from the boy's face, making his freckles stand out like soil against snow.
"I am inot/i a squib! I'll be the best wizard ever to go to Hogwarts, you'll see!"
My already raw nerves jolted at his voice, so harsh and desperate. I smiled weakly at him as I lay down on the cushioned seat. It was my turn to pretend to sleep.
Percy and I remained a sort of friends, despite our rocky start on the train. No one else seems to understand the rules of the game. No one else understands how crucial the imitation of normalcy is to everyday life.