Title: Ability To Love.
Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side.
Author: Tablynvan
Status: Complete
Author Note: This a response to the Angstier Than Thou Challenge from W.I.K.T.T.
I stand tall with an arrogant grin Filled with pride as I chase the dreams that are riding on the windIn ignorant determination watch me pursue
To say I was unhappy with life would be the biggest lie to ever escape from these lips; and I have told a fair share of extremely detailed twisted ones. I am not unhappy more like entirely loathsome of the process of breathing, blood flowing, and heart beating that keeps me living on. I have watched great men fall into the forever haven of beautiful darkness. Helped innocent women reach that wonderess location as well. Still I remain here to count my sins and brokenness. At a point I made an attempt to where the mask of power searching for a way to be a stronger man. Wanting to release all the power I knew and the world knew lingered inside of myself. Only it was not a mask of power but ignorance. Holding pain physically, emotionally, mentally so much fucking pain it would cause. That mask was tossed aside with great care as I reached for another. The mask I wear now, the mask I am about to remove after all these years.
But I'm not and they're not enough to satisfy the hunger pains of my soulThey are like fading mirages, illusions that leave me sold to the truth
That's the essence of me . . . I'm not enough
The solution to obliterate the marks of sin had been ready for three weeks now. Each night taunting for me to take the ultimate swift watering down my lungs which thirst for the release just as much as I. The timing was never right, something or someone always came up in need of my assistance of a trivial matter, and with this mask I am made to lend a helping hand. I know they don't care for me or I to care for them either and myself included. He thinks I am stronger, that the internal struggle that leads me here had been conquered years ago. And for him I find myself wishing I were able to it on my own; make at least one person in my miserable excuse of a life happy. Happy for something I did. Even Albus Dumbledore shall never be powerful enough to bring back down from this shelf of suicide.
So here I am
Broken on my knees stretching out my weary hands
Grasp them and lift me
Help me to find a rest in your arms that can change my state of mind
For once a potion that does not taste fowl, in fact it's the must beautiful thing to ever slip past these lips. How is that for twisted irony? It will be all night for the power inside it's carefully brewed ingredients to take the final effect. With every hour the pain will increase to a cruciatus curse would be more welcoming. I brought this on myself, I desire the pain, I want the pain. All the innocents I left to die or the ones I killed myself; this pain is for them. Starting out as a quiet ache tickling my muscles I place myself down into the chair. I am ready now, yes I am ready lift my spirit to what I can only hope is truly forgiving God. But even I will never deserve the gates of Heaven no matter how many forgive me's were uttered.
I stagger the earth with one defeated sigh
I once was longing to live now I'm longing to die
Having attained everything that I desired was not enough
Not enough to quench the thirst for life, for hope for peaceCaptive to my pride now I beg for sweet release
And then a voice breathes in whispers to my soul
"I am enough, I am enough"
Bravely I reopen my eyes in search of my body. I feel as if I can no longer breath, still my chest rises and falls. I feel as if my limbs have more savagely hacked off in a similar matter the left Nearly Headless Nick exactly that, still I can move them just as before. I find myself for a flicker wishing the antidote to end this charade was prepared and within my reach. It has to be ridden out. I will not surcome to the fear or plunge this knife into my throat. Tomorrow or today actually is the final day of the school year. What a celebration that will be had for the class of 1998, as I know no will cry for me. Some will even question why couldn't I have done this a thousand house points taken earlier. I allow my eyes to encloak the darkness as I at last find myself struggling to inhale and exhale. From the far off distance I hear a door being opened, footsteps two undoubtedly different pairs walking towards where I sit. Too tired and too unable to request for them to leave me alone I wait again. And I hear her voice whispering softly to me with love and care something not to be faked even the must dire of moments.
So here I am
Broken on my knees stretching out my weary hands
Grasp them and lift meHelp me to find a rest in your arms that can change my state of mind
The most fowl of tastes is pushed inside of me and I find myself willing to swallow it down. Down for her and the mystery that has enfolded my soul of why? Within moments the suicide attempt is washed away cured as if it had never there to begin with. I am welcomed by eyes of distress and confusion pleading with me in silence why? Albus Dumbledore who knows of all can never understand the answer to that, or even comprehend there is no answer to be intelligently given. In my horror I start to witness a moment I never found myself even considering the possibly of happening. He is crying, crying for me. Is he blaming himself for not having tried harder despite the fact in nearly sense of word he gave me his life when he welcomed me regretless of the crimes? I then shift my eyes slightly over to face her reaction. I am received by this time pure disgust and anger. Did Ms. Granger not know even I capable of weakness at such a level? Before I can ask the question present inside of me I am made quiet by her fingers laid across my mouth. Shushing me ever so softly.
Set my awkward steps straight in line
Move me to walk this life with your hand in mineI had forgotten I made a promise to her to discuss her post Hogwarts career plans. A meeting arranged days before with no reminders provided by her. That is why Ms. Granger was able to stop the power of the crystal blue liquid from achieving its destiny. As to how she knew of the situation that laid feet away behind concealed wall I shall never know. She feels something for me; something not even my father or mother felt for me, love. I don't believe Ms. Granger had ever planned on allowing this little revelation to be known. Prepared to live her a life with the thoughts of what if? My brink of death brought that strategy crashing down. I am not ready to tell her the same, nor as she even said to me. It's there. Powerful, leaving us both to wonder how ever managed not to feel it before? Perhaps that was for the best. Perhaps I had to slam my fists on the gates of Hell to understand life can be made beautiful for my eyes as well. The mask is ripped away and not replaced by another. For the first time since before Ms. Granger was even conceived inside the womb, I am now fronting the face I was born with. Ending the trials of power and helplessly assisting the world in fear if I didn't someone would turn on me. As an excused death eater that is a very strong fear, or it was. I no longer fear anything.
So here I am
Broken on my knees stretching out my weary hands
Grasp them and lift me
Help me to find a rest in your arms that can change my state of mind
To say I was unhappy with life would be the biggest lie to ever escape from these lips; and I have told a fair share of extremely detailed twisted ones. Because I never been happier. And it's all because one innocent girl was provided with the ability to love me for as I am. For Ms. Granger I shall walk on.