Spoilers: In the grand tradition of S/J-ness, Season Four, of course.
A/N: Picture this - Sam and Jack have had a really nice, cathartic talk about their situation and have simply adjusted accordingly so that there is UST but they've acknowledged it for my/our general entertainment (not that major UST and angst isn't entertaining, of course).
Another note - I realise the particular situation in this fic would never happen - Jack wouldn't let Sam go through with it, nor would Teal'c and I think Danny would raise the odd objection as well. But, hey, anything for a vague plot, right?
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Colonel O'Neill was baring his teeth again, a flash of white against the tan he had got from their previous mission. This particular expression was his 'I'm-smiling-threateningly' expression, one which he'd used fleetingly on herself, frequently on Daniel and rarely on Teal'c. Once, when he'd been feeling particularly relaxed, he'd commented that they took you aside after your promotion to Colonel and taught you how to do it. Sam had giggled, which he'd immediately reprimanded her for. They'd shared a small smile over their private, running joke.
'' Jack?'' Daniel murmured, smiling forcefully and turning to confer with his military leader. '' If you could remove that threatening expression off your face, I'm sure these people would relax a little.''
The noise that the Colonel made was fairly similar to a growl but he closed his mouth and managed, just about, to look neutral.
The leader, with whom Daniel was conversing, swallowed. Then he continued talking, looking at Daniel and occasionally gesturing to help with Daniel's translation. He swept the sky with a hand, made patting gestures, occasionally hopped, jumped. Then he pointed at Sam.
And looked disapproving.
'' Oh God,'' the Colonel muttered in tones of doom.
The two USAF officers immediately turned towards each other closely, hiding the fact that they were getting something out of their vest pockets. The gold bands glinted in the weak, early morning sunlight and they couldn't help but glance at each other as they slid the bands onto their wedding fingers.
'' Mrs. O'Neill,'' he quipped lightly, as he always did when they were forced into this situation. It was his way of dealing.
The 'wedding bands' were a fairly new addition to the off-world kit - an innovation put forward by Daniel who was sick of trying to explain to patriarchal societies about why women were allowed to travel with them. By saying that the women were married or, in some cases, 'property' of a man on the team, it often got them out of sticky situations and though it pissed Sam off no end, she did see the logic in it. There had been occasions after that first joyous experience on Simirka when the natives had insisted Sam be separated and the Colonel had kicked up a royal fuss, which put Daniel out, and the natives were made to feel their values were being mocked.
So - introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill.
Turning back, Sam and the Colonel now stood side by side, their arms just brushing each other.
Daniel explained to the leader, reaching behind him and pulling the Colonel forward, to show him the wedding band, then pointing to the identical one on Sam's finger. Sam, not understanding a word Daniel was saying, busied herself with looking up at the perfect sky and hoping this would all be over and done with soon. The UAV had recorded some interesting footage up in the hills and she wanted to get going as soon as possible - there was a chance she could get some work done before nightfall.
Suddenly, Daniel sighed deeply, held up his hands and gestured to his comrades before turning around. Behind him, the leader went back into the small group of people and began whispering maniacally.
'' What is it, Daniel? They not buying it?''
'' It's not that. You notice the lack of women in the group?''
Sam glanced up, checking up on something she'd already noticed. '' Yes. What about it?''
'' Apparently it's a world-wide shortage.''
Unconsciously, Sam stepped closer to O'Neill. '' Oh?''
'' Yes. The policy for a preference of boy babies has led to early abortion of female babies.''
Teal'c frowned. '' Forgive me, DanielJackson, but these people do not look medically advanced enough to predict the sex of an unborn child.''
Daniel smiled tightly, glanced over his shoulder at the group of men who were still wittering away. '' No, they're not. According to Edin, it has to do with the aura of a person, which, when a woman is pregnant, changes colour according to the sex.''
Sam resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If that wasn't the dumbest idea she'd ever heard she didn't know what was.
'' What's the problem, then? We can't help if they're stupid enough to care what sex their kids are gonna be,'' the Colonel snapped. '' What about going into the hills? They have a problem with that, that what I want to know.''
'' It's not that. It's... I supposed it's kindness on their part. They're worried about our culture, don't want it happening to us. Namely, they don't understand why Sam hasn't had any children....''
He sighed deeply. '' Why didn't you say she has then, Danny? Five of 'em, all running around back at home. Three boys, two girls. All look like her.'' He wiggled his eyebrows at Sam. '' Thank God.''
She gaped at him. '' Five? Isn't that a little excessive?''
'' You're just saying that because you had a brother. Take it from an only child, the more siblings the better.''
'' I'm not disputing that. I'm talking about me giving birth to.....''
'' Hello!''
Both of them turned to look at Daniel. '' Sorry, Daniel,'' they murmured in contrite unison.
'' You're both missing the point. I said nothing about Sam not having children. Edin just came out with it - said he could tell she hasn't had any children.''
They all looked at each other.
'' Woah,'' the Colonel said, really summing up the feelings of his fellow team members.
'' It could have been a lucky guess,'' Sam said, weakly.
'' So I asked him if this was a problem and he, um, well, he said he could fix it for you.''
Both Sam, Teal'c and the Colonel leaned forward.
'' Fix what?'' the Colonel whispered.
Daniel was blushing brightly, avoiding Sam's eyes. '' Apparently, he can sense Sam's birth control. He seems to think it's something we didn't know about before hand. He, er, is suggesting they do a ritual to remove it. ''
'' No way,'' Sam stated categorically, folding her arms across her chest.
'' That's what I said. He got rather offended, which is why we're now standing here like this. He doesn't think that if we can't trust him, then they can't trust us.''
Colonel O'Neill stuck his hands in his pockets and considered, then grinned suddenly. '' What kind of a ritual?''
'' Colonel! Sir, you've got to be kidding me!''
'' Come on. Auras? Rituals? Sounds like a load of mumbo-jumbo to me.'' He shrugged his shoulders and decisively turned back to the hovering, still-blushing Daniel. '' Daniel, ask him what's in this ritual. Try to make it sound like we're very concerned about the state of our childlessness.''
Sam swiftly stared at the ground so no one could see quite how hard she was glowering.
'' Major, you're not looking concerned.''
'' I'm gonna get you. I don't know how,'' she told the dirt, digging a boot in furiously, '' but I am. For starters, I'm gonna hide all your LPs and your FHM calendar. Then your Playstation. Then I'm going to tell Janet about your secret stash of donuts in your desk and Hammond that you kissed me during the time loop. Then I'm going to tell my father that you kissed me in the time loop and then you'll die. And,'' with sudden inspiration, she looked up at him and was pleased to see him wince, '' there'll be no more of this kissing at Christmas malarkey, either. That's definitely going to stop.'' No matter how much she enjoyed it.
He took advantage of their situation and wrapped his hand around hers, tickling her palm with his fingers teasingly. '' Aw, come on. I thought the mistletoe thing was inventive. And you know how much I look forward to it.''
She couldn't help but smile. Slightly. And briefly. But he knew he was forgiven. '' Next time, I'm marrying Daniel.''
'' Not gonna happen, Major.''
No, she didn't suppose it would. He'd be supremely pissed off if she 'married' Daniel off-world and probably would sulk the whole mission long.
Daniel hurried back. '' Right. Incense, as far as I can tell. Chanting, most definitely. Some woman waggling a stick...''
The Colonel narrowed his eyes. '' Is that exactly what he said, Daniel?''
'' Er, no, but it's what I... surmised.''
'' Um, not to sound unmanly, but do I have to do it alone?''
'' Daniel, ask if I can be with her, er, go with her, I mean,'' he added sheepishly.
He nodded, went back to Edin who was watching them narrowly. Moments later, Edin was nodding energetically, smiling and waving his hands at Sam and the Colonel in a 'come forward' way. It was the most he'd smiled since they'd arrived and, frankly, Sam wished he'd stop.
'' That's just wrong,'' Colonel O'Neill whispered in her ear.
Quietly, she agreed.
They were taken to one of the houses, but it was rather different from the others that lined the street and were dotted in clusters about the town. This house was painted a bright, glowing white and above the door something was inscribed in unintelligible scrawl. The door appeared to be made of gold, or at least painted gold.
'' Goa'uld?'' he asked her worriedly.
She shook her head. '' Not even a twinge of recognition, sir.''
'' Good.''
They were brought into a small, dark hallway, Edin babbling to a slight, frail looking elderly woman with pursed lips and voluminous dark clothes. She frowned deeply at Sam, snapped something at Edin that had Colonel O'Neill moving closer up behind her and putting his hands around her waist. It was remarkably reassuring.
Edin turned, looked over their shoulders and waved his hand at Daniel. He demanded something.
'' Oh. She, ah, says Sam has to take her clothes off.''
'' Of course she does,'' Sam sighed wearily. '' All my clothes off?''
Daniel asked. Edin replied. '' Only the inappropriate ones, which I suppose means your BDUs, Sam.''
Thank God for tank bras and female boxer shorts, Sam mentally cheered, even if the Colonel was going to get more of an eyeful than he usually did. She tilted her head back to see what he was making of the situation, but his eyes were scanning the room. If anything, he looked extremely tense. He didn't like this.
The woman muttered something to Edin, nodded at him and Edin turned, shuffled past Sam and her CO and took Daniel with him, closing the door behind them.
Sam and the Colonel stared at the woman.
She sniffed and pushed open a door on her left, holding a hand out for Sam and Colonel O'Neill to go through first. Sam heard him mutter something but it was too inaudible for her to make out much beyond 'hate this'. She could easily agree with that feeling as well.
'' At least you don't have to get naked,'' she hissed back at him as they trouped into the dim room.
'' Major, if I could, I would get naked with you at the slightest provocation.''
'' Pervert.''
He chuckled and watched the woman inscrutably as she started flapping her skirts. '' I think that means you have to strip, Carter.''
'' Oh boy.'' She turned around instinctively to face him, unzipped her vest, shaking her head. '' Why do these things only happen to me? Why don't we go to planets where they ask you to strip? I'd enjoy that way more.''
He grinned, put his hands on her shoulders as she dropped the vest on the floor. His fingers played with the ends of her hair. '' All that happens to me is I age rapidly, get stuck on planets for months on end....''
She lifted up one boot, pulled at the laces, then lifted the other and repeated the procedure. '' I'm not sure you should be mentioning those occasions to me.''
'' Just keeping your mind off the fact that you're currently.....'' He made the mistake of glancing down and his eyebrows shot halfway up to his hairline. '' Oh boy.''
Now Sam was grinning. She kicked her boots and trousers off as one. Then she looked down too. '' They're a gag gift from my sister-in-law.''
'' I want to meet the woman. Now. Do you have them in blue camo as well?''
She giggled. '' Yeah. Desert too.''
'' Shit. Do you match them with the right occasions?''
'' Not usually, today was just a coincidence.'' She started undoing her shirt, aware that his eyeline had not moved from her shorts and her legs. '' Maybe I really should be married to Daniel.''
'' Oh no, no, no. Just think how much he would be blushing right now.''
'' Bless.'' She shrugged the shirt off onto the ground and reached for the hem of her black T-shirt. '' Gotta love, Daniel.''
'' Good old.... ah, crap, there goes my fantasy life until Christmas.''
She smiled, flung the T-shirt off onto the ground and looked down at her small tank bra. '' What? You think she wouldn't send me the matching top?'' Sam glanced back up at her CO and saw that his mouth was opening and closing like a fish. '' You've seen me in less,'' she pointed out.
'' That was years ago and Daniel hid you away when things got too... pink and white.'' He laughed at her expression, his eyes crinkling at the corners. '' This, however, I'm never going to recover from. Promise me one day I'll get to take these off.''
'' I promise.'' Easiest promise she'd ever made. '' I have, er, more minimal versions too, you know.''
'' I love this planet. Have I mentioned that recently?''
She smacked him affectionately on the arm.
The woman said something, sharply, in entirely disapproving tones. She pointed to the cloth covered table in the middle of the room and waggled her eyebrows, somehow threateningly.
'' Guess that's my summons.'' She saluted him teasingly and scampered over to the table. '' Um, do I lie down or what...?'' She pointed to her chest and then to the table. The woman nodded, flapping her hands at Sam. Clearly, she wanted Sam to get a move on.
Sam hopped up onto the table and swivelled to lie down. It was then that she noticed the ceiling was actually painted. '' Hey, look at that.''
The Colonel approached her slowly, eyes on the woman who'd gone to the corner of the room and started lighting incense sticks. He looked up at the ceiling. '' Nice. Night sky.''
She squinted. '' Do you think it's accurate?''
'' I can only recognise our night sky.'' He picked up her hand and held it between his, continuing to look up. '' Charlie had the night sky painted on his ceiling at one point.''
'' Me too. Mark did it for me, actually. He always was better at art than I was. Labelled all the constellations for me.''
'' Of course. You madly wanted to go into space, didn't you?''
She nodded, nervously watched as the old woman approached, holding out a smoking brazier. She wrinkled her nose as she got a whiff of what was being swept around the room. '' Have you noticed any air vents or windows?''
'' No.''
'' I hope this doesn't last very long or we'll asphyxiate.''
'' You couldn't just say choke to death?''
'' You know me..''
'' Never you use a one syllable word when you could use five.'' He made a face. '' That really does reek,'' he told the woman, who had her eyes closed and was now humming. '' I don't think she's listening to me.''
'' Few people do.''
'' Hey! CO here!''
'' Actually, I thought you were my husband.''
'' You've got the wifely bit down to a tee, Major.''
'' That's so sweet, darling.''
If he'd been a woman, the noise he made would have been described as a giggle. It was cut short, however, when the woman started chanting.
'' Jeez,'' he muttered, staring at the elderly woman as if she had gone nuts. '' Honey, for future reference, I'm booking the holidays from now onwards.''
'' In that case, you can look after our five children next time I want some me time.''
Lowering himself down into a crouch, the Colonel was at eyelevel with her head. She turned to look at him, really much more interested in him than what was going on around her, even if the chanting was kind of... soothing. '' Two kids would be fine, Sam.''
She squeezed his hand. '' That's what I was thinking.''
He rested his chin on the table and sighed. '' How long do you think this is going to take?''
'' Reversing a decade and a half of various forms of birth control? I should think we'll be here all day.'' She closed her eyes. '' Wake me up when it's all over.''