Title: Q is for Canada
Disclaimer: Hanna Barbara and the Cartoon Network own Space Ghost. The folks of WWE are owned by themselves and, to some extent, WWE. I, sadly, own nothing.
Rating: G
Notes: This is a sequel of sorts to Costume Party and my second go around with SG/WWE. It was too tempting to pass up. I'm a dork, I know. These guys are just way too fun to write, I guess.
******
(Backstage at the SG:C2C studio)
Space Ghost: Bread, milk, cookies, bottled water --
Zorak: Brak? Why are you dressed up like the idiot?
Moltar: Actually, that, uh, *is* the idiot.
Zorak: *squints* Eh. Whatever.
Moltar: He's trying to remember his grocery list without writing it down. I told him he couldn't do it so he's trying to prove me wrong.
Zorak: That's stupid.
Moltar: Yeah, but it's kinda funny to watch.
SG: (continuing) --cabbage, crunchy peanut butter, some of those really thin spaghetti noodles --
Moltar: He wanted complete silence so he could say it often enough to himself with such force that it became part of his brain or something.
Zorak: (bored) Really. (starts waving his arms back and forth and making a high-pitched squealing noise)
SG: (frowning and faltering) --a new pizza cutter...uh...rocky road ice cream...um...Zorak, stop it!
Moltar: Hey, what was that first thing on your list you were gonna get?
SG: Easy! It was...it was...*twitches* I hate you both. (starts to leave for the stage but pauses at the last minute to turn and blast Zorak when he hears him snickering)
(Opening credits)
(SG invisos onto the set)
SG: Greetings, citizens and citizenettes! We have a fine show lined up for you tonight --
Zorak: (in background) like a firing squad.
SG: (ignoring him) --that I really think you'll enjoy. And if you don't, well, that's the network's problem! *starts laughing as though he's never heard anything so funny. crickets chirp* Whew. I crack myself up.
(Zorak and the Wayouts play him to his desk with Mary Had A Little Lamb)
SG: (still laughing) Ah, the network...hooboy. That's a good one. Man, I am a riot machine.
Zorak: Meaning people protest whenever you show up? Yes. You are.
SG: Ahhh...*wipes tears from his eyes* Ah. Okay. Where was I?
Zorak: You were talking about how you're going to surrender the show to me.
SG: I was?
Zorak: Yes.
SG: Zorak, you wouldn't lie to me, would you?
Zorak: Never! *mumbles unintelligibly under his breath*
SG: What was that?
Zorak: What was what?
SG: What you just said.
Zorak: I didn't say anything.
SG: Are you lying to me again?
Zorak: Again? That implies there was a first time. Look, if you don't trust me, just come out and say it.
SG: I don't trust you.
Zorak: Cool. So can I leave now?
SG: No.
Zorak: Ehhh. You'll regret that when I take over the world and crush this studio with my eyelid. And that, my friends, is true.
SG: No you won't.
Zorak: Are you doubting me?
SG: You won't, Zorak, because there isn't enough money in the animation department to give you eyelids.
Zorak: Well, that's just a minor setback.
SG: (beat, then turns to look at the camera) Uh...huh. Anyway, our first guest tonight hails from planet Earth...*trails off* Moltar, just once I'd like to get someone not from Earth. Variety, y'know?
Moltar: We did.
SG: We did?
Moltar: Yeah. Sorta. But he tried to kill you and take the show over, so I don't think that counts.
SG: I don't remember that. Then again, it's happened so often it's hard to remember one specific time.
Moltar: Happens to the best of us.
SG: *shaking his head* Okay. Everyone, please welcome the lovely Trish Stratus.
(TV lowers from the ceiling with Trish adjusting a microphone clipped to her shirt)
SG: Greetings!
Trish: Greetings, Space Ghost! How's it goin'?
SG: Not too well. I've got this ache in my back, see, and my neck's been stiff all day...but thanks for asking.
Trish: No problem.
SG: Are you getting enough oxygen?
Trish: I think so.
SG: Either you are or you aren't, Trish. Since your head hasn't exploded, I'm willing to bet your oxygen level is satisfactory.
Trish: (laughs a little nervously) Yeah, I guess so.
SG: So. You were supposed to be on the show last time. What happened?
Trish: I know! I'm really sorry I couldn't make it, but I had to do some promotional work I didn't know about when I agreed to, uh, when I agreed to be on the show.
SG: That's a pretty lame excuse.
Trish: It's not an excuse! I wanted to be on the show.
SG: Are you lying to me, too? You know, I don't like being taken advantage of.
Trish: I'd never lie to you, Space Ghost.
SG: Uh huh.
Trish: But I'm here now, so it worked out, right?
SG: Uh...huh. You had your chance, missy, and you blew it. You know how quickly we use these fifteen minutes up?
Trish: (beat, blinks innocently)
SG: Obviously not. Well, since you're here, I guess we might as well do a segment. *shuffles cards* Do you like monkies?
Trish: What?
SG: Again with the yes or no questions, Trish. I'm not confusing you, am I?
Zorak: Hey.
SG: Not now, Zorak! Can't you see I've got a guest?
Zorak: I think I just won the lottery.
SG: *beat* Really?
Zorak: Yeah. I got three disembodied heads in a row. That means I won. See? *holds up scratch-off lottery card* I'm leaving.
SG: What? No! You can't just leave like this!
Zorak: I'm off to get my money, get some eyelids, and when I come back you'll *really* be sorry.
SG: Zorak! Think of everything we've been through together! You can't just pack up and...*trails off when Zorak leaves the studio* ...leave. Ahem. Fine! Then-then go! Just...just get your things and GO! *stares at his cards again, then buries his head in his hands* Oh, man, I am so gonna get fired for this.
Trish: Space Ghost? Is...um, is something wrong?
SG: YES, Trish, something is very wrong! I just unleashed a psychotic power-hungry six-foot-tall preying mantis into civilization, and now he's going to be rich, too! Would you like to tell me what's wrong here?
Trish: It's not 'cause I don't like monkeys, is it? 'Cause if it is, I can...I can change my opinion.
SG: *whimpers, falls forward to hit his head on the desk*
[commercials]
[after the break, we come back to the show to see Space Ghost lifting his head up slowly off the desk, only to let it drop back down.]
SG: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Trish: That...that's not healthy, Space Gho--
SG: (perking up, interrupting Trish) Hey! Do you know how to play a keyboard?
Trish: Huh uh.
SG: (beat) My. Aren't you useful.
Trish: I don't have much musical talent. Sorry.
SG: (whimpers, goes back to hitting his head on his desk)
Moltar: Hey! Stop doing that! You're gonna break something!
SG: Like my cranium?
Moltar: Uh, no. I was talking about the coffee mug that's about to fall off.
Trish: Is this a bad time? I could come back later...
SG: (mumbling) Assuming I still have a studio later...
Moltar: If I send in a replacement, you promise not to hurt me?
SG: No.
Moltar: ...'Kay. Well, I already told 'im to come in, anyway.
SG: (wheels around slowly to see who the replacement is) No. Moltar, no. Absolutely not.
Brak: (in Zorak's spot behind the keyboard) Spaaaaace Ghost!
SG: Great. I had a sarcastic mantis and now I have a hyperactive...what *are* you, anyway?
Brak: Hungry. Got any food around here? (notices Trish on the TV) Hey! Do you have any food? I like chicken.
SG: Don't talk to her. She can't play a keyboard, I doubt she's carrying food with her.
Trish: Actually...*digs through her purse and comes back with a roll of Lifesavers* I have a few left.
SG: Oh, but you don't keep a keyboard in there? What kind of guest are you? Be prepared next time! *blasts Trish off the TV*
Brak: (disappointed) She was gunna give me candy.
SG: NO, Brak, no one is going to give you candy.
Brak: Why not?
SG: (ignoring Brak) Moltar! Next guest!
*TV lowers from the ceiling with Lance Storm on the screen*
SG: Citizen Storm, nice to have you on the show.
Lance: It's nice to be here, sir.
SG: Oh, please, call me Space Ghost. Or Mr. Ghost, if you have to.
Lance: Can I call you Space?
SG: ...No.
Lance: What about Spacey?
SG: (beat) So Lance, it says here on my handy-dandy cards that you're really Henry Rollins' long-lost twin.
Lance: (laughing) That's a misconception, actually. We're not related.
SG: Ever been to one of his concerts?
Lance: Nope.
SG: Video tapings?
Lance: Huh uh.
SG: Family reunion?
Lance: I'm not related to Henry Rollins!
SG: No, I was asking if you wanted to come to my family reunion. Geez, if you're gonna get so upset about it...
Lance: Sorry. I have a pretty busy schedule.
SG: (frowning) So busy you can't come say hi to a few members of the Space Ghost family?
Lance: I do a lot of traveling.
SG: I travel across whole galaxies! Try another excuse. You know, there was this one time when I went ... (trails off, slowly looks to his left) Brak! Stop it!
Brak: (gnawing on the side of Zorak's keyboard) But I'm hungry and you wouldn't let that nice lady gimme any food and you don't have any food around here and Mom says I haveta eat when I get hungry or I'll get really cranky. I'd really like some chicken. You need some chicken around here.
SG: (beat) Some days it just doesn't pay to start breathing.
Lance: You're saying there are times when you don't breathe?
SG: Who asked you?
Lance: (grins nervously, looks a little intimidated)
SG: Anyway, I've noticed you have a new look going. Tell us about it.
Lance: It's not really anything that different, just different tights.
SG: But you have superhero trunks now! Are you taking up crime-fighting?
Lance: I hadn't planned on it, no.
SG: Ah, no one ever does, young valiant Lance.
Disclaimer: Hanna Barbara and the Cartoon Network own Space Ghost. The folks of WWE are owned by themselves and, to some extent, WWE. I, sadly, own nothing.
Rating: G
Notes: This is a sequel of sorts to Costume Party and my second go around with SG/WWE. It was too tempting to pass up. I'm a dork, I know. These guys are just way too fun to write, I guess.
******
(Backstage at the SG:C2C studio)
Space Ghost: Bread, milk, cookies, bottled water --
Zorak: Brak? Why are you dressed up like the idiot?
Moltar: Actually, that, uh, *is* the idiot.
Zorak: *squints* Eh. Whatever.
Moltar: He's trying to remember his grocery list without writing it down. I told him he couldn't do it so he's trying to prove me wrong.
Zorak: That's stupid.
Moltar: Yeah, but it's kinda funny to watch.
SG: (continuing) --cabbage, crunchy peanut butter, some of those really thin spaghetti noodles --
Moltar: He wanted complete silence so he could say it often enough to himself with such force that it became part of his brain or something.
Zorak: (bored) Really. (starts waving his arms back and forth and making a high-pitched squealing noise)
SG: (frowning and faltering) --a new pizza cutter...uh...rocky road ice cream...um...Zorak, stop it!
Moltar: Hey, what was that first thing on your list you were gonna get?
SG: Easy! It was...it was...*twitches* I hate you both. (starts to leave for the stage but pauses at the last minute to turn and blast Zorak when he hears him snickering)
(Opening credits)
(SG invisos onto the set)
SG: Greetings, citizens and citizenettes! We have a fine show lined up for you tonight --
Zorak: (in background) like a firing squad.
SG: (ignoring him) --that I really think you'll enjoy. And if you don't, well, that's the network's problem! *starts laughing as though he's never heard anything so funny. crickets chirp* Whew. I crack myself up.
(Zorak and the Wayouts play him to his desk with Mary Had A Little Lamb)
SG: (still laughing) Ah, the network...hooboy. That's a good one. Man, I am a riot machine.
Zorak: Meaning people protest whenever you show up? Yes. You are.
SG: Ahhh...*wipes tears from his eyes* Ah. Okay. Where was I?
Zorak: You were talking about how you're going to surrender the show to me.
SG: I was?
Zorak: Yes.
SG: Zorak, you wouldn't lie to me, would you?
Zorak: Never! *mumbles unintelligibly under his breath*
SG: What was that?
Zorak: What was what?
SG: What you just said.
Zorak: I didn't say anything.
SG: Are you lying to me again?
Zorak: Again? That implies there was a first time. Look, if you don't trust me, just come out and say it.
SG: I don't trust you.
Zorak: Cool. So can I leave now?
SG: No.
Zorak: Ehhh. You'll regret that when I take over the world and crush this studio with my eyelid. And that, my friends, is true.
SG: No you won't.
Zorak: Are you doubting me?
SG: You won't, Zorak, because there isn't enough money in the animation department to give you eyelids.
Zorak: Well, that's just a minor setback.
SG: (beat, then turns to look at the camera) Uh...huh. Anyway, our first guest tonight hails from planet Earth...*trails off* Moltar, just once I'd like to get someone not from Earth. Variety, y'know?
Moltar: We did.
SG: We did?
Moltar: Yeah. Sorta. But he tried to kill you and take the show over, so I don't think that counts.
SG: I don't remember that. Then again, it's happened so often it's hard to remember one specific time.
Moltar: Happens to the best of us.
SG: *shaking his head* Okay. Everyone, please welcome the lovely Trish Stratus.
(TV lowers from the ceiling with Trish adjusting a microphone clipped to her shirt)
SG: Greetings!
Trish: Greetings, Space Ghost! How's it goin'?
SG: Not too well. I've got this ache in my back, see, and my neck's been stiff all day...but thanks for asking.
Trish: No problem.
SG: Are you getting enough oxygen?
Trish: I think so.
SG: Either you are or you aren't, Trish. Since your head hasn't exploded, I'm willing to bet your oxygen level is satisfactory.
Trish: (laughs a little nervously) Yeah, I guess so.
SG: So. You were supposed to be on the show last time. What happened?
Trish: I know! I'm really sorry I couldn't make it, but I had to do some promotional work I didn't know about when I agreed to, uh, when I agreed to be on the show.
SG: That's a pretty lame excuse.
Trish: It's not an excuse! I wanted to be on the show.
SG: Are you lying to me, too? You know, I don't like being taken advantage of.
Trish: I'd never lie to you, Space Ghost.
SG: Uh huh.
Trish: But I'm here now, so it worked out, right?
SG: Uh...huh. You had your chance, missy, and you blew it. You know how quickly we use these fifteen minutes up?
Trish: (beat, blinks innocently)
SG: Obviously not. Well, since you're here, I guess we might as well do a segment. *shuffles cards* Do you like monkies?
Trish: What?
SG: Again with the yes or no questions, Trish. I'm not confusing you, am I?
Zorak: Hey.
SG: Not now, Zorak! Can't you see I've got a guest?
Zorak: I think I just won the lottery.
SG: *beat* Really?
Zorak: Yeah. I got three disembodied heads in a row. That means I won. See? *holds up scratch-off lottery card* I'm leaving.
SG: What? No! You can't just leave like this!
Zorak: I'm off to get my money, get some eyelids, and when I come back you'll *really* be sorry.
SG: Zorak! Think of everything we've been through together! You can't just pack up and...*trails off when Zorak leaves the studio* ...leave. Ahem. Fine! Then-then go! Just...just get your things and GO! *stares at his cards again, then buries his head in his hands* Oh, man, I am so gonna get fired for this.
Trish: Space Ghost? Is...um, is something wrong?
SG: YES, Trish, something is very wrong! I just unleashed a psychotic power-hungry six-foot-tall preying mantis into civilization, and now he's going to be rich, too! Would you like to tell me what's wrong here?
Trish: It's not 'cause I don't like monkeys, is it? 'Cause if it is, I can...I can change my opinion.
SG: *whimpers, falls forward to hit his head on the desk*
[commercials]
[after the break, we come back to the show to see Space Ghost lifting his head up slowly off the desk, only to let it drop back down.]
SG: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Trish: That...that's not healthy, Space Gho--
SG: (perking up, interrupting Trish) Hey! Do you know how to play a keyboard?
Trish: Huh uh.
SG: (beat) My. Aren't you useful.
Trish: I don't have much musical talent. Sorry.
SG: (whimpers, goes back to hitting his head on his desk)
Moltar: Hey! Stop doing that! You're gonna break something!
SG: Like my cranium?
Moltar: Uh, no. I was talking about the coffee mug that's about to fall off.
Trish: Is this a bad time? I could come back later...
SG: (mumbling) Assuming I still have a studio later...
Moltar: If I send in a replacement, you promise not to hurt me?
SG: No.
Moltar: ...'Kay. Well, I already told 'im to come in, anyway.
SG: (wheels around slowly to see who the replacement is) No. Moltar, no. Absolutely not.
Brak: (in Zorak's spot behind the keyboard) Spaaaaace Ghost!
SG: Great. I had a sarcastic mantis and now I have a hyperactive...what *are* you, anyway?
Brak: Hungry. Got any food around here? (notices Trish on the TV) Hey! Do you have any food? I like chicken.
SG: Don't talk to her. She can't play a keyboard, I doubt she's carrying food with her.
Trish: Actually...*digs through her purse and comes back with a roll of Lifesavers* I have a few left.
SG: Oh, but you don't keep a keyboard in there? What kind of guest are you? Be prepared next time! *blasts Trish off the TV*
Brak: (disappointed) She was gunna give me candy.
SG: NO, Brak, no one is going to give you candy.
Brak: Why not?
SG: (ignoring Brak) Moltar! Next guest!
*TV lowers from the ceiling with Lance Storm on the screen*
SG: Citizen Storm, nice to have you on the show.
Lance: It's nice to be here, sir.
SG: Oh, please, call me Space Ghost. Or Mr. Ghost, if you have to.
Lance: Can I call you Space?
SG: ...No.
Lance: What about Spacey?
SG: (beat) So Lance, it says here on my handy-dandy cards that you're really Henry Rollins' long-lost twin.
Lance: (laughing) That's a misconception, actually. We're not related.
SG: Ever been to one of his concerts?
Lance: Nope.
SG: Video tapings?
Lance: Huh uh.
SG: Family reunion?
Lance: I'm not related to Henry Rollins!
SG: No, I was asking if you wanted to come to my family reunion. Geez, if you're gonna get so upset about it...
Lance: Sorry. I have a pretty busy schedule.
SG: (frowning) So busy you can't come say hi to a few members of the Space Ghost family?
Lance: I do a lot of traveling.
SG: I travel across whole galaxies! Try another excuse. You know, there was this one time when I went ... (trails off, slowly looks to his left) Brak! Stop it!
Brak: (gnawing on the side of Zorak's keyboard) But I'm hungry and you wouldn't let that nice lady gimme any food and you don't have any food around here and Mom says I haveta eat when I get hungry or I'll get really cranky. I'd really like some chicken. You need some chicken around here.
SG: (beat) Some days it just doesn't pay to start breathing.
Lance: You're saying there are times when you don't breathe?
SG: Who asked you?
Lance: (grins nervously, looks a little intimidated)
SG: Anyway, I've noticed you have a new look going. Tell us about it.
Lance: It's not really anything that different, just different tights.
SG: But you have superhero trunks now! Are you taking up crime-fighting?
Lance: I hadn't planned on it, no.
SG: Ah, no one ever does, young valiant Lance.