Disclaimers: The song is Fiona's, the boys belong to some production company somewhere, not making any money from this, you know the routine.
Spoilers: none (I hope!)
Notes:
Feedback: Pretty please? With little chibis on top? (You pick which ones ~_^) Post here, or you can e-mail me at insanewritinggirl@yahoo.com.
Never Let You Go
Chapter 16
by quelirain
| Darlin' give me your absence tonight
take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white let me sink in the silence that echoes inside and don't bother leaving the light on --Fiona Apple, "The Child is Gone" |
Relena spend the rest of the flight in silence, losing herself in the replay of Wufei's words. She didn't notice the gawkers who recognized her as the plane landed and she and Wufei made their way out of the terminal and into a waiting car, escorted by more Preventers.
Wufei's words stung.
//Duo is more than a distraction! How can he say that? He knows I care about Duo.//
Relena rested her head against the car window, ignoring the scenery.
//But he didn't say I didn't care... he said that I didn't care enough.//
//What's _that_ supposed to mean?//
She barely noticed when the car stopped in front of the estate, when her brother opened the door and hugged her as she got out of the car, and when Wufei dismissed the security and Milliardo led her inside.
Relena reviewed the conversation again.
//Wufei foolish and prideful... can't say he's changed much,// she thought dryly. //His _wife_. I wonder what she was like? And how did he wrong her? His colony was destroyed... but that would wrong more people than just his wife. It's obvious he admired her.//
//It's also obvious that he doesn't think too much of me.// She sighed. //Not that I think much of me these days, either.//
"Relena?"
She looked up at the voice to her side, at Milliardo.
"I asked you if you were hungry." His eyes showed his concern for her disoriented state; they darted from her face to over her shoulder, where she suspected Wufei was standing, eyes shuttered.
The quiet voice from behind her confirmed Wufei's location. "She's probably tired. It has been a long day."
"Yes, yes. I'll take her upstairs. Relena?"
Relena followed without seeing. Milliardo led her into her bedroom, giving her an admonition to rest and that adding someone would bring up her dinner before closing the door quietly as he left. Obediently, she lay on the bed, her wheels continuing to grind.
//And how can he say that I don't understand Heero? I...// Images of Heero, flickered through her mind--working on his computer, watching her silently, sleeping by her side, over her late at night...
//What do I really know about Heero?//
//I know he loves me. That's enough.//
//Isn't it?//
She pressed her cheek into the pillow for a moment.
//It's not enough, is it.//
She hurled herself off the bed and stripped, not caring where her clothes fell. She heard fabric give and buttons fall more than once. She set Duo's cross on the dresser, then headed for the shower.
//But I know what I want! Wufei was wrong about that! I do know what I want! I want people to not get hurt because of me! I want a stable Earth Sphere! I want everyone to be safe now that the wars are over!//
Her thoughts silenced as she ferociously scrubbed herself from head to toe. When she finished, she reached to turn off the water. "I want my life back... I didn't ask for this."
Relena froze. It took her a full thirty seconds to realize that the voice had been her own, echoing off the tile in the shower. In the quiet, more thoughts came.
//I want Heero to be happy.//
//I love Heero...//
//But can I love Duo at the same time?// She'd always thought that true love, once found, was all-consuming, leaving no passion left over for a second love. Yet Duo's tenderness and dedicated support and Heero's obvious concern and inherent understanding of who she was and what she needed came together to fill her heart. //And if I also love Duo... can I love either of them enough?//
She sank to her knees, water beating down on her.
//...what do I want?//
//I want... I want to have them both, but in reaching for both, I can't have either.//
//And as much as I love them both, I can't love them enough to hold on to them both.//
Hot, salty liquid trailed down her face as cooling water flowed over her neck and her back, dripping down onto her legs. Wufei had been kind, suggesting strongly but not bluntly putting before her what she should have seen from the beginning.
//As much as I've said that I don't want people suffering for me, that's all that's happened. I ran from Heero, I left Quatre alone, I dragged in Wufei and Trowa.//
//Wufei kidnapped two reporters and injured bystanders at the news station because of me.//
//Heero injured security staff because of me.//
//Quatre was hurt by Heero because of me.//
Relena closed her eyes, clenching her fists as she listed off her sins. She had to follow this to the inevitable conclusion.
//I deceived Duo.//
//I betrayed Heero.//
//I've hurt everyone.//
Reaching out, Relena wrenched off the water and stepped out of the shower, shivering. Not bothering to dry off, she bundled herself into a terrycloth robe that hung on the back of the bathroom door.
Wufei was waiting for her. He set a tray with soup and sandwich down on the nightstand before turning to look at Relena as she stood in the bathroom doorway. He looked her over, then nodded once. "You understand, now. And if you understand this much, you will soon realize that of many apparent solutions, there is really only one choice."
She said nothing.
"Milliardo would like to speak with you as soon as possible, if you wouldn't mind getting dressed." He turned to leave.
"Wufei."
He waited, back to her, until she crossed to the dresser, picking up Duo's cross and pressing it into Wufei's palm, wrapping his hand around it.
"I don't know where Duo is, but I know you do. Please, make sure this is returned to him," she said softly. "I know it is important to him. And also, tell Trowa and Quatre that I am sorry. I never meant... I never intended anything like this to happen. And Heero... I think he would understand."
Wufei froze, then turned, taking Relena by the shoulders and looking deep into her eyes. After a several minutes his intense regard, she slid her lids shut and eased into calm blackness. His voice came from nowhere, penetrating the dark. "I am not your messenger," he said. "You will return this yourself."
She felt him release her shoulders. Seconds later, a warmed chain slid up both sides of her neck. She could feel Wufei's breath on her face as his hands reached behind her neck, then dropped the chain onto her skin. She felt up to her collarbone, catching Duo's cross in her hand.
"Until you know which path to take, princess," Wufei said sternly, "you must continue on the path you are on. Think on your duties and your responsibilities. Fulfill them, cause no more harm, and seek to repair what has been broken." With his index finger, her touched a piece of the chain that lay on the skin over her collarbone. "Milliardo is waiting. He needs you, as does the rest of the Sphere." He stepped back, and a heartbeat later she heard the door close quietly behind him.
Her hand was on the cross before she realized she'd moved. The chain seemed to shorten, crawling about her neck. Duo's chain. Duo's cross. That he'd given her. Because he loved her.
She loved him.
Relena opened her eyes.
~owari chapter 16~