the journal
august 22nd, 2002
morning
dear unnamed,
Such a gloomy day today, especially for august. I tried opening the windows to let some fresh air in, but my room just got deathly cold, and I ended up closing them and the blinds. Now it so dark, and I don't want to turn on the lights. I lit some candles instead and lay on my bed, watched them burn themselves out. The radio is playing some dreary music right now, Radiohead I think. I like this song. Something about fake plastic trees. I like plastic plants. Does that count?
I've had this diary for a long time. Too long, in fact, for never having a chance for writing in it. Well, now is a good chance, I guess. It's almost my birthday. I'm gonna be 25, you know that? Wow. 25 years and I'll be fuckin celebrating by drinking a jack daniels and reading the novel interview with the vampire while listening to Marilyn Manson blasting on my CD player. La de freakin da. I'm so excited, I think I'll piss in my pants now. pants. What a funny word.
Matt and I were actually going to do something for my birthday. Maybe go on over to six flags magic mountain in cali, or go bar hopping like every birthday of mine since my 21st year. I don't want to do anything anymore. Matty's not feeling well, he has this huge shot gun blast in his head, and anyway, even if he did feel like going out that night he'd be too mad to do anything with me. Forgive the tear drops, they come and go. More often these days, I'm afraid.
I have nothing to do tonight so I think I'll stay in and watch sleepless in seattle or titanic or my best friend's wedding. Yeah. That sounds good. Then I could light some more candles and get warmer. Where's my fluffy coat? Don't tell me I lost it. Dammit. Just when I needed it too.
Hey, I need a name for you, journal. Would you mind if I called you mattykins? Coz you know, I used to call matt that all the time, before he went and offed himself, and I could always tell matt everything.
See you later, matt.
august 31st
10:30 pm
dear matty,
I got a couple of presents today. One was this big fluffy tiger stuffed animal, just what I needed for a bed companion. I think shane got that for me. And amy got me the best pajamas and slippers I could want, fleece, with little ducky prints on them. Fuzzy slippers. Shannon got me some new guitar pedals for my fender, told me they were on sale and called me a cheapy. Yeah, I know how things go. Daddy got some gifts certificates for me, hot topic, tower records, and borders. I think I'll go buy the vampire lestat tomorrow. I have nothing else to do.
We did have cake. I'm still full. Ice cream cheese cake, double layered, with cool whip slapped all over the top, my favorite. I could eat that for the rest of my life and die at the age of forty five by a hearty attack and I'd still be happy.
Hey hey hey guess what! I also forgot to mention the present adam gave to me. It was a nice big hug. God that was the best present. He was just looking at me and I said what and he hugged me really tightly and started to cry. Then I started to cry too and we had a crying symphony and then adam stopped and smiled and said you know what I have never see you cry before. And I just told him it happens sometimes. You know me and adam have never been really close but we had one thing in common and that was you. We both loved you, very much, and I guess that now that you're gone we've bonded a little but more. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks.
I'm tired. Good night.
September 5th
9:15 pm
dear matty,
today was a horrible day. God, on days like these I just wish the entire world could just burn.
Adam kissed me. Goddamit, why did this have to happen to me? I wasn't leading him onto anything. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!! This was the day of your memorial service too, and shit, I think amy saw, holy crap, what if everyone finds out? Well it's not my fault I didn't kiss him he kissed me. I was just...talking to him and all of a sudden he leans over and kisses me on the cheek. Okay, that's not the bad, I don't care about that, but when I don't say anything he kisses me on the mouth! Now I feel totally exposed and dirty and bad because it was your memorial service matty and your ex boyfriend kisses me your loving little brother. And all I did was let him and then stare at him walking away when he was done with me. now up in heaven you probably just hate me even more.
crap. What if dad finds out? Well isn't this just the fuckin shit?!