Disclaimers: The song is Fiona's, the boys belong to some production company somewhere, not making any money from this, you know the routine.
Spoilers: none (I hope!)
Notes:
Feedback: Pretty please? With little chibis on top? (You pick which ones ~_^) Post here, or you can e-mail me at insanewritinggirl@yahoo.com.
Never Let You Go
Chapter 19
by quelirain
| So my darlin' give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside --Fiona Apple, "The Child is Gone" |
Heero released Relena's hand as soon as they entered the apartment. Turning, he closed and locked the door. Then he slipped the keys into his pocket and looked at Relena, his eyes deep as wells and darker. He stepped out of the dim foyer into the living room, with large windows that looked out over the cityscape. After a moment of hesistation, Relena followed. In the light, it was easy to see the rapidly-fading bruises on Heero's face, and she noticed that his walk wasn't as cat-smooth as it had been when she'd seen him last.
He studied her as she studied him, and she wondered what he saw. But she didn't ask. She'd done enough; now it was his time. She would listen.
She walked past him and curled into the corner of the couch, looking up at him. He'd turned to track her movements. He didn't sit. Instead, those sharp blue eyes kept looking at her, combing her face, searching.
They stood that way for what could only have been a few seconds, though it seemed much longer.
Finally, Heero closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was so whisper thin that Relena would have missed it had she not been paying rapt attention to his every movement.
"Why?"
For a moment, she considered answering one of the other half-dozen questions that Heero could be asking, instead of the one that she knew he was.
"Why?" He repeated himself, hoarsely. His eyes opened and met hers, the plea that he'd been restraining pouring from his eyes. She looked away. She couldn't bear it.
"Because..." She felt the weight of Heero's gaze on her; she looked up into those sea-storm eyes again and knew that if she still loved him, there was only one answer. "Because I was selfish. Because I was afraid. Because I love you and didn't want to make you feel as if you had failed."
His eyebrows raised, his expression incredulous, his jaw falling slightly open, lips parting, turning his head and swallowing. He stepped to the side, feeling blindly for the other end of the couch and guiding himself onto it. He cupped his head in his hands, raking long fingers through his already perfectly-touseled hair. "That's not what I expected to hear."
She looked away from the sight of him, his legs apart, his elbows pressing into his thighs, his face hidden from her. It was hard, seeing him like this and knowing that there was still more to tell.
Yet she found herself lifting her head, uncurling her legs to turn and face his statuesque figure, hard as it was to see the pain she had caused. She shifted, intending reinforce what she'd just told Heero, but then Duo's face flashed before her.
//"If this was nothing more than a diversion, then fine. I can live with that. But tell me now." //
She took a breath and let her mouth shape the words that she needed to say.
"Heero... there was someone else."
He looked up sharply, his bangs flipping up and before settling over his eyes. His back was tight and straight, as if someone had slammed a pole through his spine. He didn't move, just stared at her with those eyes that would be bleeding tears if they belonged to anyone else.
"I'm sorry, and I know it's not enough to just say that I'm sorry. But I... we should have talked. We should have tried." She didn't waver, hesitate, or look away as she said quietly, "I wish we had tried." She held his gaze, letting him see the truth in her eyes.
He looked away first, then spoke, hesitantly. "I won't-- I can't lose you because of some fanatic's bullet, not so soon after you and I--" He swallowed. "Quatre said I should just tell you how I feel. I feel... I can't... I knew there was someone else, but if you want someone else... I won't try to stop you." He nodded once, then opened his eyes, meeting hers for a millisecond.
There was so much in those eyes; all the emotion in the world filled them. His pain shocked through her, but she stayed where she was, still and silent. A soft surprise filled Heero's eyes as she held his gaze and waited patiently for him to continue.
"I don't ever want to let you go," he said slowly, "but I won't hurt you any more, Relena. If what you've been feeling is anything like what I feel now, then I understand why you-- why you might--" He tipped his head back and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "I know why."
In her mind's eye, she could see Wufei, staring at her quietly, waiting to see what she would do. //Think on my duties and responsibilities to everyone,// she reminded herself, //fulfill them, cause no more harm, and seek to repair what has been broken.// She looked at Heero, saw the cords standing out in his neck as he swallowed. //Until you know which path to take, you must continue on the path you are on.// "Heero," she said in that same, quiet tone, "I don't want to hurt you."
"I don't know if you could any more than you have." He let his head fall forward again to stare at the floor between his shoes.
Her hand drifted toward her chest. She quickly redirected her reaching fingers to rub the side of her neck. "Maybe... maybe we still can try, Heero. To patch things up."
His eyes opened wide as they continued to stare at the floor. Relena reached out, longing to ease his distress. A single fingertip grazed his bicep. He looked at it, then lifted his head to look at her, his eyes lighting up. Then his gaze fell downward, where they hung on her blouse. Slowly, he reached forward, but he didn't touch her; instead, his fingers slipped into her blouse, pulling at the shadow that had pressed into the white fabric.
Duo's cross.
Once Relena realized what Heero was trying to figure out, she pulled back, but Heero already had dislodged the cross from her shirt. The chain tightened and strained under the weight of Relena's torso until it snapped. She fell back onto the arm of the couch, leaving Heero with the chain dangling from his outstretched hand, his eyes locked on the cross.
Startled, she pushed herself off the arm of the couch and leaned forward, reaching out. "Heero..."
"Don't."
Relena recoiled.
Heero inspected the chain, then the cross itself. "This is Duo's," he said flatly.
Relena looked at the chain dangling from Heero's hand, then Heero's face. The blue eyes were dull, numbingly empty. She closed her eyes to collect herself.
"This is Duo's," Heero repeated, still staring at the object in his hand.
She inhaled, then opened her eyes. "Yes, it is," she said quietly.
"It's Duo?" He didn't move as he asked the question, but his chest rose and hung there, unmoving.
She nodded.
Heero's fist clenched around the cross. "And where does that leave us?"
"I don't know." Whatever vestige of hope that Heero's eyes had held when she had reached for him crumbled in those blue eyes; Relena watched it fall as he heard her answer. "Heero," she said slowly, "I love Duo."
Heero stood, and strode across the room. "I won't stop you, Relena," he echoed, "but please don't expect me to happily accept that you prefer Duo over me."
"That's not what I said," Relena replied firmly. "I love him. I love you. I'm not sure how it happened--it shouldn't have happened--but it did."
Heero's shoulders began to shake as a fine tension worked its way through his arms. He turned again and strode toward her, towering over the couch where she sat. "What am I supposed to do, Relena?" he said, shaking the chain of the cross in front of her. "You love me. You love him. What do you want me to do?"
"You could start by stepping away from her."
Heero froze. Relena started. And a dark figure detached itself from the shadows near the door. "Duo," Relena breathed.
Duo's face was pale, his bangs hanging limply in his eyes. His arms were stretched out straight in front of him, his pasty fingers turning red where they gripped his gun. Shadowy eyes stared at Heero, who hadn't moved since Duo had spoken.
"Step away from her, Heero. Slowly. Then hand me your gun."
Heero eased back from the couch, then ducked and rolled too swiftly for Relena to track. Duo fired, but not quickly enough to stop Heero from coming out of the motion in a crouch, his own weapon out and ready. Heero stood, his gaze locked on Duo.
"Relena," they said with one voice, "get out of here."
~owari Chapter 19~