A/N: How was my previous chap. Hilarious? Well take this then!!!! This is the one that I have been planning and now it's here!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! The most hilarious chap!!!!!!! Now here is the preview. What's behind Door W17? How are they gonna get into Dr. Inn's office? FIND OUT HERE!!!!!! This is gonna be a long chapter. So be patient while reading. I got this new Insanity Degree Meter, thanks to BluePrint here (she is just as insane as I am.) If you haven't been reading her fics, when it blinks red, it means that I am not erm normal, so I could go for my regular checkup at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I can't believe it! ENGLAND LOST TO BRAZIL!!! These FIFA World Cup matches are getting worse. Wow, look. A HAMMER!! It's made of like, stone and like, metal and like, wood and like, why is it made out of stone? Maybe I could bash up some Brazilian heads. *Insanity Degree Meter blinks red*
Disclaimer: HARRY POTTER, characters, names and related indicia belongs to Warner Bros. Harry Potter Publishing Rights belongs to J. K. Rowling. X-ATM092 belongs to the game Final Fantasy VIII which was created by SQUARESOFT. Insanity Degree Meters belong to BluePrint.
INSANITY DEGREE: 368.999 (At the highest peak because this is the most hilarious chap)
Chapter 11
The Black Hole
When Dumbledore fully opened the door there was a long damp corridor. It was very dark.
"LUMOS!!!!"
Hermione's wand ignited and the tunnel could be seen clearly. They went along the tunnel and found a scarlet red box. Dumbledore grabbed Hermione's ignited wand and read the carvings.
"Ah! YES!!! Just what we need!!!!!" Dumbledore picked it up and put it in his pocket.
They continued the journey and kept on talking about what was at the end of the tunnel when suddenly...
"WATCH YOUR STEP!!!!!" yelled Remus and all of them stopped.
What was in front of them was a huge, large, wide pit. The pit was so deep that they could not see the bottom. The pit was located in an extremely tall chamber.
"WHOA!!!! What is this?" said Ron looking down at the pit. Then he saw a door at the other side of the pit. It was at a cliff.
"I think we have to get there."
"How can we cross this?"
"WAIT!!!! Sirius, look at the Butt map first! See what is says," said Remus.
"Hmmm...." Sirius looked at the Butt, "It says this place is called the "Black Hole". On the other side of it is Dr. Inn's office."
He then tapped his wand on the place labeled the Black Hole. He then read it out aloud:
This pit acts as a bottomless pit. It is used as a death punishment for aliens in the Space Asylum. When one falls into the Black Hole he will fall forever and ever and never stop. The pit will then close on him until it he cannot move but still slides down the pit. Everything will turn hot and will have a feeling of electrocution. Then he will petrify into stone and break apart. But still he can see the world moving as he slides down the Black Hole. He cannot die. Even if he lives to be a thousand years old he will not die. He will be falling forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and....
"STOP IT!!!!!" Hermione yelled. Her voice echoed around the chamber, "How are we gonna get past this Black Hole?"
"This of course!!!!" said Dumbledore pointing at a lever. He then pulled it down. Silence.
"Nothing is happening here," said Hermione in a frustrated expression.
Then they heard whooshing sounds. Suddenly platforms shot out from the pit and hung in various heights. Some spun around and some had springs attached to it. Even logs and metal beams shot out. But the strangest was the gray vortices that swirled in mid air. Finally everything came to a stop. Some still rotated.
"Still, the length between platform to platform is very long!!!" said Ron.
"This of course!!!!" said Dumbledore holding up the scarlet box.
He opened it and there laid...
"A remote control?" said Hermione.
"Remote control?" asked Ron.
"Really! YOU NEED TO TAKE UP MUGGLE STUDIES!!!!" said Hermione.
On the remote control was two buttons. One was red and the other was blue. The red button was labeled Summon and the blue button was Banish. Dumbledore pressed the red button. Silence.
"Nuthin's HAPPENIN'," said Hermione in a really, really frustrated voice.
Then suddenly a beep was heard. Then a sound of a gigantic robot followed it. It seemed to be getting louder. The ground shook. The sound of heavy legs filled the air. Suddenly....
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"
A huge robot that looked like a spider (Ron gulped) (except that it only had 4 legs instead of 8) crashed through the brick wall and landed in front of the gang. It's pincers were jutting towards each other instead of downwards. It then moved its legs and steam came out.
"It's ATTACKING us!!!!!!" yelled Harry with fright.
Then the robot bent its legs as if it was about to pounce on them but came to a rest. It then stopped its aggressiveness.
"Meet X-ATM092!!!!" said Dumbledore patting the metal body of the large object.
"Hey!!!! You play Final Fantasy VIII?" asked Hermione.
"Of course!!! Don't think wizards and witches are not allowed to play PlayStation!!!!" replied Dumbledore.
"I thought they were!!"
"If they were then how did you know about Final Fantasy VIII?"
"Er...erm....never mind."
Dumbledore giggled.
"Now let me see with this," said Dumbledore as he took out a notepad and a quill.
He then stared at the platforms and started scribbling equations down his notepad. He checked the wind speed, temperature and humidity and calculated them in a very complicated way.
"NC2+G89 over 2 / 3 l64 -T55 584+669-SEXY*585 A5-/-E6`Ad`CUCKOO~F6`GF6," said Dumbledore scribbling more notes down, "+H6 negative over DUMBER 36545*65`6`5`G6-/-55468( O--[ ZF5(Y76){ +*/``:-) A4168}H7]0)."
Then he checked the people's height and looked into their tongues. He then continued scribbling more equations in his notepad.
"5.5 Ph facial wipes. Over234 -97890++*++#########9076A'/(7976````7897````7987``)Bbhg8976 +*09(865) + BLUE +ITE345 RONALD WEASLEY IS DUMB with weapons 5435``456~HG Wells 098*+///4*5983//~80~`~`~768. OH456 888 ```7584Ho0--)(-- (corner kick) OVER 135 {midfield} vortex]Afgh789 (Owen at penalty box) H67837 David Beckham kicks [jhk879+=86===} }] GOAL!! (cheer) 78G58/``876``` fly left ``576572366++-*/+-*/+-*/Remus [leg] 456HRT Status-junction "
Then Dumbledore took a beaker and took a sample of everyone's saliva and mixed it with some other chemicals. He took a small piece out of X-ATM092's metal body and stirred it with the chemicals.
"Ah!" said Dumbledore and calculated some other mathematical equations and scribbled more notes.
"COMPATIBLE H5656/3*+-8+*`+`6 Sirius [weapon] 678 *HK2465g*8df+*g/f+g8--`/*8/`8`9+8-`4tkyr Harry to with ;e.g. 576565776 (H6) /*-+/*-+``As -- Hermione (leg) [H8]{Gother shot} A5^86^^^&`^MCGONAGALL 65369+-584*9*89/55+565466NMhgty`vugB**+s Mighty ******* at @ GOthic/KO/ (damage) 60+9868/*hjk* {end} [land point] 6945+6847`9`84`5`7=nkHo=(Gothic)= 6536A``` (safe). DONE!!!!!!!"
He showed the notepad scribbled with complicated graphs and charts and equations all over it. All of them looked at it with confusion.
"Now the plan of how we will get there is all right here. But it is too complicated to be told now. Now the X-ATM092 has 5 controlling cabins. One on each 'knee' of the leg and one at the head. Each leg cabin controls its leg. The front cabin has three seats. One for the weapon controller, one for the co-weapon controller and one for the commander. I will be the commander since I have the plan to get to the other side."
"Of course. He is the smarty-pants," whispered McGonagall to Harry.
"Now! Ron, Hermione, you take the front two legs," ordered Dumbledore.
Ron took the front-left leg and Hermione took the front-right leg.
"Remus, Harry, you will take the back legs."
Remus took the back-left leg and Harry took the back-right leg.
"McGonagall will be the weapon controller and Sirius will be the co-weapon controller."
All of them climbed up their respective ladders and went into their cabins. They then closed the hatch. Harry, Hermione, Ron and Remus stared at their leg controls. There was a joy stick and a few coloured buttons. The worst thing was that there were no labels!
"Now," explained Dumbledore to Sirius and McGonagall, "X-ATM092's weapons are its pincers, its belly and its back. The attacks are Clash which is caused by lunging its pincers forwards to knock the opponent, Arm Crush which uses its pincers as arms and squeezes the opponent, Ray Bomb which releases out powerful bombs and its special attacks, Backwards Ray Bomb which releases it from the back instead of the front, Electric Belly which if belly makes contact with opponent he will be fried. GOT IT!!!!"
"Ok," replied McGonagall. But actually she was confused. The buttons too had no labels.
"Now..." said Dumbledore but was interrupted by a frequent crashing sound. He looked back and saw Remus' leg going up and down and up and down.
"Stop manipulating your leg," said Dumbledore to Remus who kept on pressing the orange button.
"I'm not moving my leg, sir."
"NO!!! Not your leg!!! The robot's leg!!!'
"Oh! But it is so fun going up and down!!! WEEEEE!!!!!"
Dumbledore sighed, "Never mind! Now lets test it out!"
Harry and Hermione did not know what to press so they pressed the yellow button. Then the legs made an explosion causing it to blast the right side of the robot off the ground. The whole thing tilted and Hermione screamed. Harry who was so shocked twirled his joystick causing 'his' leg to twirl around in the air. Luckily, that made the robot fall back to its original position before it overturned.
"That was close!' said Ron with relief.
"OK!!! Fasten your seat belts. Now let's go! MOVE IT!!!!" said Dumbledore.
But all of the 'leg people' did not know what to do to move it forwards so they coincidentally thought of the same thing...press the yellow button.
BOOM!!!
The robot blasted off into the air and fell into the pit. But luckily it landed on a platform. It then swirled up until it was the top of the chamber. Then a siren sounded. A hundred small jets flew out from the pit shooting bullets at the robot.
"AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"
All the leg people, who were so shocked, twiddled with joystick and pressed some buttons causing it to go chaotic. It twisted and turned on its legs making the passengers to go sick. McGonagall who was extremely shocked at the situation where all the jets were shooting at them, pressed the purple button.
But the button was for Clash so the spider lunged forward and it fell off the platform.
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!"
The spider rolled upside down and right side up again and luckily it landed on another platform. The shocked leg people pressed the buttons and twirled their joysticks causing it to loop here, spin there and roll up and fly down. Remus then continued his fun up and down ride. Eventually, all the movement caused the robot to miss all the bullets.
"OK! STOP! THIS IS NOT THE WAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!" screamed Dumbledore as Sirius pressed the Clash button and it lunged forward and out of that platform.
"AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!"
The robot landed on a spring platform and it bounced forwards. McGonagall, who was so shocked, aimlessly pressed and held a red button and a stream of Ray Bombs shot out from the back. Some unlucky jets who were chasing after the robot flew straight into the stream and exploded.
X-ATM092 then landed on a steel beam and slid downwards and crashed a plane that was taking the front shooting bullets. It landed on a spinning log.
"OK!!!! NOW HARRY!!! LIFT UP YOUR LEG!!!!" commanded Dumbledore.
Harry lifted up his real leg until his feet could be seen through the windscreen.
"Not that LEG!!!! THE ROBOT'S LEG!!!!!!!"
All the other leg people who thought Dumbledore was talking to them immediately pressed the yellow button. All the legs except Harry's one lifted and the robot was balancing on 1 leg on the spinning log. Harry who was also shocked twirled the joystick and the whole thing was twirling like a ballet dancer. But the spinning also helped. The spider crashed some planes.
"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Um, this I guess!!!!!" shouted McGonagall to Sirius as she pressed a pink button. Ray Bombs shot out from the mouth and, by the spinning, caused the ammunition to fly everywhere. Blasting some more jets.
Finally the ballet dancer stunt began to slow down and they fell from the log.
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"
The robot rolled and crashed some more jets. It slid up a steel beam and flew into a vortex. It was then shot out of the vortex at an incredible speed. But it was still spinning. And the leg people who were EXTREMELY shocked twirled their joysticks and the spinning legs managed to smash some jets. Then it landed on a moving platform.
"OK!!! NO MORE NONSENSE!!!! WE MUST GO ACCORDING TO PLAN!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore.
Then Dumbledore saw a jet zooming towards its front.
"OK!!!! ARM CRUSH IT!!!!!"
Sirius and McGonagall looked at their controls. They guessed it was the green button so they slammed it. It was the Arm Crush button but the leg people who were shocked pressed the yellow button and.....
BOOM!!!!!
The spider shot up in the air and, accidentally, Arm Crushed another jet which was flying overhead. And then the spider fell down back onto the platform and smashed the jet that was intended to be Arm Crushed. The leg people that were absent-minded coincidentally pressed a purple button and the whole robot crouched down and pounced off the platform.
"ARGH!!!!! NO MORE NONSENSE!!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore as the spider fell down into a platform that swirled up. Right into a vortex. The robot then shot out once more. And when they could not see anymore platforms but the pit, they saw a platform and landed straight on it. All the jets made a huge swerve and started shooting at it.
Then a jet was flying towards it but hit the platform and the pilot flew out of the plane. Remus, who snatched the chance to continue his up-and-down ride, kept on pressing the orange button. Accidentally, pilot slid right under the moving SHARP leg and....
SPLAT!!!!!
The sharp leg drove through the pilot's body. Blood could be seen on the windscreen of Remus' cabin.
"OOOOHHHH!!! NICE!!!!!" Remus said continuing his ride.
X-ATM092 now looked more like a crazy dancer than a war robot. Dents caused by the jet's bullets were everywhere on the robot. But then a new weapon was yet to be released from the jets.
"MISSILES!!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore as the jets released green rockets, "USE CLASH!!!!!!!"
But McGonagall and Sirius were frozen with shock. The leg people ,who were shocked too, moved the joystick back and forth and the robot lunged out of the platform and landed on a ball that moved on rails.
"MOVE YOUR LEGS!!!!! NOT YOUR LEGS, THE ROBOT'S LEGS!!!!!"
The leg people simply twiddled with the joystick and the robot managed to keep on the ball as it slid down to the end of the rails. It then catapulted the robot and it flew into the air and right into a huge high-speed vortex.
"WWWWWHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!"
The robot in the vortex spun so fast that the passengers inside only could see blurs. The jets that shot bullets and missiles at the robot rebounded back at them because of the vortex.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!
A few more explosions were heard until the robot was shot out of the vortex, slid down and up a metal beam and landed on a platform which then twirled upwards and into the middle of the chamber.
"STOP!!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore, "THIS IS NOT STATED IN THE PLAN!!!!!!"
But the sound of shooting bullets and roaring of jets and the banging of X-ATM092's legs drowned Dumbledore's voice.
"UM!!!! UM!!!!" said Sirius with confusion as the whole robot made a vertical jump, "WHICH WEAPON!!!!"
"DON'T USE A WEAPON YET!!!!!!" ordered Dumbledore.
But it was too late. Sirius lunged for the purple button and the robot did a Clash on a plane before it fell off the platform as usual. It then landed on a log that swayed in the air.
"OKAY!!! MOVE FORWARD AND JUMP SIDEWAYS TO THE BLOCK WHEN IT REACHES IT!!!!!" ordered Dumbledore.
Then the robot 'danced' on the log. The leg people pressed a series of buttons and twirled the joysticks with shock and terror. The jets all went towards the robot and kept on releasing hails of bullets. The robot was extremely dented. And then a jet landed on the log and the pilot came out with a grenades.
"OH NO!!!!!!"
The pilot went under it and started to throw the bombs at the robot's belly. The robot shook violently after blow after blow.
Then, McGonagall and Sirius was so shocked by the shaking that they accidentally pressed the blue button. And that button was the Electric Belly button. Sparks of electricity came out from the belly.
The leg people who saw the blue sparks thought that the robot was about to explode. So, they all coincidentally pressed a dark-brown button. Then the robot's legs crouched and the belly electrocuted the pilot and the plane and blood spluttered on the leg cabin's windscreen.
"GROSS!!!!!!" said Hermione seeing the blood.
Remus then continued his up-and-down ride. Then the leg people all twirled their joysticks and the robot fell down.
"STOP IT!!!! NO MORE FALLING!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore as X-ATM092 rolled downwards.
Luckily (A/N: The gang are so lucky huh?) it landed on a metal block. Then five platforms swirled downwards and stopped nearby the block. Then the robot continued its dance.
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!" yelled Dumbledore as the robot jumped upside down, "THIS IS NOT THE PLAN!!!!! YOU MISSED ALL THE TURNS!!!!!"
Then, the robot started making more complicated swerves and every now and then the spider would almost fall off the block but thanks to some crazy button pressing and joystick twirling, the robot climbed back on the block. Suddenly...
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!"
A hatch from the side of the block opened and snipers came out with rifles. They then started shooting bullets at the robot. Harry who just saw a bullet hit the window pressed a crimson button and the robot rocketed into the top of the chamber, hit the ceiling and slammed into another platform.
"OUT BASE 45!!!! OUT BASE 45!!!!!" yelled a jet pilot maneuvering his jet into the pilot and released 2 missiles.
The leg people who saw the missiles immediately pressed the yellow button and the robot jumped, missing the missiles which shot 2 other jets.
Then, hatches started opening from other blocks. Some even from the logs. Then snipers came out and aimed their rifles at the dancing robot. After 60 barrels of bullets (which some missed and some hit), the snipers took a yellow cylinder and attached it to their rifles. When they pulled the trigger, balls of electricity came out of the rifles at high speed.
"YIKES!!!! PULLOVER TO THE RIGHT!!!!!" said Dumbledore calculating more equations in his notepad as quick as lightning. Balls of electricity all zoomed at the robot. But because of the dancing only a few hit X-ATM092. The others...well...hit the jets.
The weapon people (Sirius and McGonagall) were so shocked that they pressed all the buttons at once doing the strangest movements ever. Then the leg people accidentally pulled the robot to a loop and a roll at the same time. The weapon people who became more shocked discovered a small drawer at the panel.
"HEY!!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!" shouted McGonagall as she pulled the drawer.
Out came a joystick with a button on top of it. She pressed it and a stream of fire shot out of the mouth of X-ATM092.
"COOL!!!" remarked Sirius.
McGonagall turned the joystick and the stream changed direction. She controlled the fire-streamers and incinerated some jets.
"SIRIUS!!! Control the other weapons!!!! This is for ME!!!!!!!"
"But I wanna control that!!!!!"
"FOLLOW WHAT I SAY!!!! DOGGIE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Sirius' eyes then filled with tears. After some incinerating of jets. The robot became more chaotic. The leg people became more shocked and oblivious. Sirius simply pressed all the buttons (which eventually did attack a lot of jets), McGonagall controlling the fire-streamers (WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!) and Dumbledore TRYING to command the controllers.
Then, a voice came out from the speakers of the robot. "ROBOT MALFUNCTIONED. PLEASE WAIT UNTIL IT REPAIRS ITSELF."
After the message, the robot settled itself down and repaired. Now, they were in a critical position. The snipers shot out the electric balls with ease. And the jets got the chance to shoot bullets at them.
"AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! MISSILES!!!!"
A jet swooped down and released 5 missiles. The missiles hit the underside of the robot and the impact caused X-ATM092 to fly off the platform, loop upside down, grind down a steel beam and land on another platform.
Suddenly, Harry got an idea. He took out his coffin, opened it and took out the Nike shoes. The other passengers on X-ATM092 sniffed and then looked back. Then they screamed. Harry took out Dudley's tiny remote control helicopter and stuffed it in one Nike shoe. Then Harry took out the remote control of the helicopter, opened his cabin hatch, activated the helicopter and threw it out.
"OH NO!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!"
"THE NIKE SHOE FLIES!!!!!!"
The jet pilots looked at the robot and saw a Nike shoe flying towards them. All the pilots screamed and maneuvered their jets out of the way. Harry then controlled the helicopter to fly towards a jet and when the shoe was near the jet, the jet exploded. Harry gasped and then made and evil grin.
After a minute, 80 jets exploded.
"RELEASE ATOMIC NUCLEAR BOMBS!!!!!" yelled a jet who was trying to avoid the Nike shoe from going into range. But then...it exploded.
All the remaining jets released huge atomic nuclear bombs and blasted the flying shoe.
"OH *censor*!!!" yelled Harry.
"WE'RE THERE!!!"
They looked where Dumbledore pointed. There was a cliff with a door.
"YES!!!" Dumbledore then pressed a green button. "BOOSTER ROCKETS!!!"
Rockets appeared at each side of the legs. But everyone was in such in a panic, that they twirled their joysticks and the robot turned into a lethal flying ballet dancer. It crashed some more planes and...
CRASH!!! They opened their hatches and took a look. "WE DID IT!!!" They sang the Teletubbies song.
"FREEZE!!!" They forgotten about the soldiers. The soldiers pointed their rifles at them. But, Dumbledore calmly pulled a hidden lever on the wall.
All the platforms and logs fell back into the pit along with the soldiers on top of them and the vortices disappeared.
They looked at the door. There was a keypad next to it. Remus immediately took out the Butt (Hermione fainted *bang*), tapped the sulfur fart sequence with his wand and then....
The Butt wobbled instead. Hermione who woke up at a most inconvenient time fainted *bang* after seeing the Butt wobble. Remus then put his ear to the Butt and started "listening" to the Butt's sayings.
"What....Oh yes! But....Hmmmm....I just....Oh but.....Oh is it critical? Yes...but...I refilled....oh...and...yah...maybe I did but....oh...that time...yes...OK...and...yes...thanks."
Remus said to Dumbledore, "The Butt ran out of sulfur. We will need to break the code manually."
Sirius looked at the keypad. "Hey, Ron. I bet you a thousand Galleons the password is 911."
Ron replied, "Bring it on, doggie."
Sirius punched in the code. The doors opened.
"Well, Ron? Where's the money?"
Ron slammed his hand on the wall. "Oh, *censor*!"
Dumbledore said, "No time for F words. Just follow me."
A/N: Finished! I am sorry this took me so long, but since that stupid FanFiction.Net server hardware breakdown, I just have to wait. Oh, *censor*! *Insanity Degree Meter blinks red*
NEXT ON MARAUDERS' BUTT 2: Dr. Inn D. Pink's real identity will be revealed. The battle that will determine the fate and destiny of the world's next generation will begin. WHO WILL SURVIVE?