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Chapter 17: A Difficult Decision

When Lily woke back up, she felt an odd combination of anger and relief to find Marilyn sitting next to her rather than James.  "Where did he go?" she asked weakly.

"Home, I think," Marilyn replied.  "How are you feeling?"

"As well as I can be… I'm so sorry, Marilyn.  It's all my fault," Lily cried.  "If I had been stronger, she would have survived."

"Shh, shh," Marilyn said, trying to calm her.  "There was nothing more that could be done."

"You don't know… you wouldn't understand," Lily said, turning her face away. 

"Well then, why don't you tell me?"

"I can't do that…" Lily sighed.  "Can I please have a moment alone?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes.  Please…"

Even though it was against her better judgment, Marilyn got up and left Lily alone in the room.   As soon as the door was closed, Lily pulled the letter from Snape back out and reread it.

"I've got to do it," she whispered, nodding to herself. 

It was nearly 5am before James and Sirius could bear to tear themselves away from their new quest to entrap Snape, stopping only because James felt a sudden pang of guilt for the way he had last treated Lily.

"Sirius, I can't believe that I did that to her…"

"I know, man.  It was rather harsh.  I mean, think of everything that she's been through in the last 24 hours."  He looked at his friend.  "James, I know she was your child too, but Lily's gotta feel like her body failed her, that maybe she just wasn't good enough."

"But it's not true!"

"Well, she doesn't necessarily accept that!  Think about it, James!  I'm sure you telling her how stupid it was to take the potion or whatever didn't exactly help things."

"You think I should go back and talk to her?"

Sirius looked at James as though he was insane.  "You're only just figuring that out?!  Yes, I think you should go!"  Sirius rolled his eyes.  "Jesus!"

"Alright, I'm going.  Wait here…" James instructed him.  He then disapparated back to St. Mungo's.

When James arrived though, he was in for a surprise.  Lily's bed was empty.

"Where is she?" he demanded of a nurse who was passing by.

"Who?"

"My wife!  Lily Potter!"

"She was released last night," the nurse told him calmly.

"Well, where the hell did she go?"

"Pardon me?"

"Where did she go?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"I don't know, sir."

"Terrific," he muttered under his breath.  James then disapparated back home.

When Lily woke up that morning, she felt strangely empty and incomplete.  She got up and out of bed, put some clothes on, and went to meet Victoria in her office before going to breakfast.

"Thank you so much for taking me in, Gran.  I didn't know where else to go," Lily said.

"In times like these, it is always best to turn to family," Victoria told her.  "And that, my dear, is the reason why I sent for you.  You do realize that you cannot run away from your James forever though, right?"

Lily nodded.  "I just can't handle facing him yet," she sighed.  "It's so hard…"

"I know, child.  But we must make it through these bad times in order to reach those that are better.  I have seen much of what is to come, and, if you are willing to accept the bittersweet with the sweet, then I shall help you to see it as well.  The gift can be used as a means of forewarning and protection, you know.  But only if you are to discover it for yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"While you stay here, I will teach you to further develop your seeing abilities, but only on the understanding that you will use them wisely."

"Yes, of course."

"You have the makings of greatness about you, Lily.  I wish for you to fulfill your destiny."

"Thank you."

"We will start tonight."

James searched high and low for Lily.  He tried all of her usual spots, from different restaurants and shops to movie theatres and friends' houses.  He checked with his mother, and even sent an owl to Dumbledore at Hogwarts to see if she was there.  It was all useless though.  And then, it hit him.  She must be with her Gran, he thought.

Sirius came running up the stairs at that moment, and was struggling to catch his breath when he finally found James.  "No- time- full- moon- must- get- Remus!" he said between breaths.

"Oh no!  Sirius, I don't have time for this, I've got to check for Lily at the Palace of the Prophets!"

"Can't- go- there.  No- men- allowed- uninvited."  Sirius finally caught his breath.  "If she's there, you just have to wait for her to come to you."

"Maybe I can get someone to go for me…"

"James, we don't have any time!  The full moon comes out tonight and we need to get Remus and find someone to watch Aaron!"

After convincing Jem to watch Aaron, Sirius and James returned to the house with Remus.  Unfortunately, James was still extremely distracted by thoughts of Lily.

"Are you sure that I shouldn't go and try to see her?" he asked.

"Um, James, now is not really a good time.  Would you please transfigure so that we're ready for him?" Sirius bellowed.

"Fine, fine.  God, there's no reason to get all huffy about it."

"We don't have time for this crap right now, let's just try and help Remus, ok?"

James nodded, and the two of them transfigured into their animagi forms just in time.

"It is always best to meditate under the watchful eye of the full moon," Victoria told Lily as she led her up a dimly lit passageway and one of the palace's many towers.

"Full moon?" Lily asked nervously.

"Yes, dear, why?"

"There's just- well, I usually do something rather important when there's a full moon…"

"Not to worry, everything has been taken care of."

"But, are you-" Lily started nervously.

"I am quite certain of it, dear."  Victoria opened an old wood door that creaked on its hinges.  "Here we are."

Victoria then showed Lily some basic meditation techniques and an old Celtic incantation that would assist her in finding her heina.  "Each seer's heina is unique to them," Victoria explained.  "Many people compare it to an aura, but the heina is what you must learn to control in order to have power over your visions.  Once you have mastered that, you should no longer experience headaches or fainting spells.  Do you understand?"  Lily nodded.  "Then let us begin."

Lily sat down as Victoria had instructed her to and began to breath deeply and center herself.  She then began repeating the incantation.

"Lo there do I see my mother/ Lo there do I see my father/ Lo there do I see my brothers and sisters and all of my line back to the beginning.  Lo they beckon me to come live among them in the Halls of Ballika/ Where the brave shall live forever!"

"That's exactly right," Victoria said encouragingly.  "Just keep repeating that…"

Lily was halfway through the incantation for the 5th time when she suddenly saw something appear in front of her.  It looked like some gold sparks were flying right up to her.  That can't be, she thought.  She continued with the incantation and was shocked to see  a form taking shape in front of her.  It was her aunt, her father's sister Claudia.  But you've been dead for nearly 10 years, Lily thought.  She was gesturing for Lily to follow her, so she got up to do so.  When Lily looked back down at the ground though, she was surprised to see her body still sitting there, meditating and muttering the incantation.

"I see you have met our beloved Prelate Victoria," Claudia told her.  "I am sure that you have many questions to ask of me, and I must confess that I can't answer them for you.  I am only here as a guide.  I will lead you into the depths of your mind to discover your heina."

"But why are you here, Auntie?"

Claudia smiled.  "That, I can tell you.  I am here because I too possessed the gift, but my parents did not wish that I pursue the craft.  They were much like your sister, insisting that anything to do with magic was not at all acceptable."

Lily took a deep breath and shook her head.  She knew all too well the kind of muggle that Claudia was talking about.  "What is it that I am looking for exactly?"

"You will know it when you find it, just trust yourself," Claudia said.

"Trust myself," Lily repeated.  She strained her eyes to see every detail around her. 

It seemed as though ages had passed, but she still saw nothing.  And then, there it was.  A bright gold light was flashing before her eyes.  The way that it glinted it reminded Lily of the golden snitch, but it wasn't actually anything tangible.  "Is that it?" Lily asked.

"Do you believe so?" Claudia responded. 

Lily nodded vaguely, but before she could say anything else, she felt her eyes getting heavy and her body go limp.  When she opened her eyes again, she was lying on the floor staring up at Victoria.  "Where is Claudia?" she asked, dazed.

"Claudia?"

"Yes, she was right here with me…"

"There has been no one else up here other than you and I.  What you think you saw was a manifestation of the mind," Victoria assured her.  "What else did you see?"

"Well, there was a flash of gold light, and then the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground right here," Lily said.

"My dear," Victoria said, helping Lily to her feet, "It sounds as though you have seen your heina.  The next step is learning to control it."

James and Sirius had a very rough night ahead of them.  By the time they had reached Remus, he had already transformed into his werewolf form, and unfortunately he had seen James and Sirius approaching in their human form.  They did however manage to transfigure just in time to get him back in check.

Little did they realize though what the rest of the night would have in store for the three of them.  Remus seemed to be having a particularly difficult night.  He continually tried to attack his friends, and even succeeded in escaping from them once.  Padfoot and Prongs raced out into the night after him, but, by the time they found their friend Moony, it was too late.

Blood was dripping from the werewolf's snout, and the body of an unsuspecting muggle was lying beside him.  Padfoot and Prongs knew that they had to do something with the body, but they didn't have time right then.  So, instead, they concentrated on re-catching their friend. 

The rest of the night, while still a challenge, was much easier for the dog and stag.  They were able to gather the werewolf up and lead him back to the safety of a nearby wood.  When daylight finally broke, the three friends had changed back to their normal human forms.

"I'll go and see what I can do," Sirius said solemnly to James.

James nodded, and Remus started to look very worried.  "What happened?" he asked in a whisper.

"There was an accident last night."  Remus paled.  "A muggle."

"Oh, god," Remus whispered.

"There was nothing we could do, we were too late.  We had to get you away from people as quickly as possible…  Sirius just went to check on the body.  I'm so sorry…"

Tears filled Remus's eyes.  "I can't risk this every month!  I thought we had things under control…"

"I know, Remus.  So did we," James said.

Just then, Sirius returned.  "They found him already, the muggles.  I think the Ministry is suspicious of something too, because there were a couple of wizards examining the area and talking to the muggle police."

"I should just turn myself in," Remus said.

"No!  You can't do that!" Sirius told him.

"They'd kill you!" James exclaimed.

"That may be, but I don't think I have any other option."  He paused thoughtfully.  "Unless of course I just leave…"

"But what about us?  What about Aaron?"

"I know… I just need to consider this as an option.  I mean, is it worth it for everyone?  To risk another night like last night?"

"I don't know," James and Sirius said at the same time.

Later that morning, Lily found herself meditating yet again, and trying to figure out her heina. 

"When you see it," Victoria told her, "You need to take a hold of it and direct it before it overpowers you.  Once you can do that, you will be able to maintain your composure during your visions."

"Do you really think that I'll be able to?" Lily asked.

"I do not doubt it at all."

Lily began her breathing again and tried to concentrate on seeing her heina again.  It could have been hours, or it could have been seconds that had passed, Lily didn't know.  But she saw it, bright as day in front of her.  She reached toward it and tried to catch it in her grasp, but it slipped through her fingers.  Unfortunately, she then felt herself falling down, almost in a feeling of vertigo. 

It was then that she saw it, but she had a sneaking suspicion that what she was seeing had already happened.  She saw Remus, in his werewolf form, being pulled away from a dead body by Sirius and James.  He couldn't have, she thought.  He wouldn't…  She closed her eyes, trying to erase the sight from her mind. 

When she opened them again, she saw that her heina had returned.  This time, it was even brighter than before. Determined not to let it get the better of her, Lily reached out for it again, this time securing it in her grasp.  I'm not letting you get away this time.  What is it that you want to show me?

The orb glowed in Lily's hands, and she peered into it, longing to shield her eyes from its bright light, but knowing that if she did, it would escape her grasp.  It was not long before shadowy figures began to take shape within the heina.  Lily couldn't believe her eyes.

Over the horizon of her vision, she saw, plain as day, the Dark Mark rising.  As it rose, it continued to grow in size, and she could only assume, in strength as well.  Next to the Mark though, lying on the ground, she saw a small bundle that was wriggling around.  It was a baby wrapped in a pale blue blanket.

Lily tried to call out to the child, to somehow cause him to move away from the Mark, but it was of no use.  And then, from the Mark, Lily saw what looked like a bolt of green lightning.  It flashed, and hit the child.  Lily cried out, but to her amazement, the baby seemed fine.  It seemed to repel the bolt, which then flashed back to the Mark, causing it to break apart and disappear into a thick black smoke.

Before she could say or do anything else, Lily felt herself falling again.  This time when she opened her eyes, she saw Victoria standing over her with a very concerned expression on her face.

"I did it," Lily told her.  "The first time it didn't quite work, I couldn't control it.  But then when I saw the heina again, I held it in my hands, and it showed me something… and then, I was back here with you."

Victoria sighed, relieved.  "Very good, Lily.  You will, of course, need to refine you skills, but for the first time, this was not bad at all."

"I can't believe that I actually did it…"

"What did you see, child?"

The smile disappeared from Lily's face as the images returned to her mind.  "First," she whispered, "I saw Remus with James and Sirius."

"And then?" encouraged Victoria.

"I saw the Dark Mark, Gran!  It was rising before me.  Next to it though… next to it was a small child, still a baby really.  There was a flash of green light, but rather than killing the child, the light returned to the Mark… it was destroyed…"

Victoria's eyes grew wide.  "You are certain that that is what you saw?"

Lily nodded.  "The boy though… I've seen him before.  In other visions… I just know it…"

It was nearly dusk by the time James had made it home.  He had quite a few things weighing on his mind.  First there were the events of the night before and what was to become of one of his closest, and dearest, friends.  Foremost however, there was the unresolved issue of Lily.  James had not seen or heard from Lily since he left her in the hospital.  I shouldn't have done that, he thought.  I shouldn't have left things like that.  What if she doesn't come back?  What if something has happened and she has no way of reaching me?  God I'm a fool… He sat on the couch with his head in his hands, failing to notice Scarlet pecking at his shoulder.

Nearly 10 minutes went by before James finally realized that the snowy owl was perched behind him.   She cooed and fluttered at him, waiting, rather impatiently now, for him to take the letter that she was carrying.  When he finally did, he pet her head gently.  Once Scarlet had flown off, James tore open the parchment envelope and hastily unfolded the letter from Lily and started to read it.

James,

"Oh god…" James said out loud.  "That's not a good sign if she's just addressing me as James…"  He sighed, shook his head, and continued to read.

James,

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not very upset with you still.  I don't think I can ever convey to you how hurt I was, and still am, at your unfounded accusations against Severus.

James shuddered as he read that about Snape.  "If only you knew, Lily…"

You know that I love you more than anything, James.  If I didn't, I wouldn't have married you.  But you have to remember that there are forces out there, forces greater than you, greater than I.  The only way for us to face those though, is if we work together.  I realize that this sounds rather strange, and perhaps even cliché, but I believe it.

By now I'm sure that you've realized where I am staying.  Yes, I am at the Palace of the Prophets with Victoria.  I will remain here until I feel ready to come home again.  I just wanted to write and let you know that I was alright, and to make sure that you were as well. 

James, I think you are in very real danger, and I want to make certain that you are taking every precaution possible at work, and at home.  I had another vision this morning, two in fact.  In the first I saw you and Sirius and Remus… and what happened.  I know you know what I'm referring to.  The second vision however was even harder to take. Dark times are heading our way, and now I believe that I understand what Gran and Professor Dumbledore have been saying about you and I…but only time will tell for sure.

I cannot say more at this time, for fear of risking innocent lives and jeopardizing the future, but please know that I will return to you soon.  Gran is working with me to enhance my seeing abilities, and I do think it will come in handy.

I'll be home when the time is right.  For now I want you to know that I've requested for Angelica to be buried here, at the Palace.  Please let me know if you would rather that this not be.

I love you, now and for always.

Your wife,

Lily Potter

"Well, that's something of a relief," James said to himself.  He got up from his seat on the couch and walked to his study, where he pulled out a piece of parchment and a pen to respond to Lily's letter.

My Dearest Lily,

I cannot apologize enough for the way that I acted toward you in the hospital.  I know that there is no excuse, but please, you have to understand.  After everything that had happened with the birth and death of Angelica, Snape's arrival did little to calm me.  There was something else about him though, and I am positive you know it too.

I wish that you would come home, but I understand that you need time.  If you wish for Angelica to be buried there, that is fine.  Let me know if you wish to have any sort of service for her.

For now I will leave things like this.  With what is going on between us, and now with Remus I just don't know what to do.  Baby, I can't live without you.  I need for you to be here with me, but I know you're not ready for that yet.  If you need to reach me, most likely I will be working.  I guess it'll be an escape for me…

With undying love and affection,

James Potter

James folded the letter carefully and ran upstairs to send Scarlet out into the night.

Lily woke up to the sound of taping at her window.  When she got up to see what it was, she smiled at the sight of Scarlet.  She quickly opened the window and let the owl fly in.  Scarlet swooped into the bedroom, did a quick circle around the room's perimeter, and then settled on the footboard of the bed.

"What have you got for me?" Lily asked, reaching for the letter Scarlet had attached to her. Handing Scarlet an owl treat, Lily took the letter, unfolded it, and read it.

Once she finished reading the letter, Lily sat down on the windowsill and stared out into the starry night.  "James," she whispered into the night, "please be careful…" A single tear streamed down her face, glistening from the light of the stars and waning moon.

In the days that followed, Lily and James remained apart.  As he said he would, James spent almost every waking moment working.  He was determined to expose Snape for what he was.  In addition to this, James just couldn't shake the feeling that there were others he knew from Hogwarts who had joined the dark forces.  

Lily, in the meantime, was learning very quickly how to sense when a vision was coming on, and then how to maintain control of the heina.  Much to her relief, she had stopped having horrible visions. Instead, she saw herself back with James, living in their house, seemingly happy.  She saw a boy being sorted into Gryffindor his first year at Hogwarts.  I've seen you before, she thought, trying to get a closer look at him.  She recognized James's hair and her own eyes.   It's Harry…she smiled to herself.

It was early on the morning of June 8th when Lily awoke with a terrible jolt.  "Something isn't right," she whispered.  She looked around her room and saw that nothing was out of place, Scarlet was sleeping peacefully in her cage, and everything just seemed normal.  Well, as normal as it could be considering she was still apart from James.  Lily shook her head and tried to go back to sleep.  Much to her dismay though, sleep was no longer an option.  Instead, when Lily closed her eyes, she saw her heina hovering in front of her.  When she took a hold of it, it didn't show her anything that she wanted to see.  Not this time.  Instead, Lily saw the Dark Mark rising before her again, but this time it was over a house.  After taking a more careful look, Lily realized that she knew that house.  All of the blood left her face.

"Marilyn!" Lily screamed.

Lily quickly scribbled a note for Victoria, which she hastily left of her bedside table before disapparating for the Potter home.  By the time she got there though, it was too late.  Wizards and witches from the Ministry of Magic were swarming all over the place, making detailed notes, taking photographs, discussing what might have happened.  No one took notice of the frail Lily, who had fallen to her knees on the ground and begun to sob.

All of a sudden, Lily heard a click and saw a bright flash of white light.  Someone had taken her picture!

"Great!" said a female voice.  "Now let's try for an interview… Mrs. Potter, do you have anything that you would like to say?  Anything at all regarding the events of last night?"

Lily looked up at her, very overwhelmed by the situation.  "Pardon me?" she asked, choking on her tears.

"Rondah Lapine, Daily Prophet.  You are Lily Potter, aren't you?"  Lily nodded feebly.  "Do you have anything to say about the death of your mother-in-law?  Anything that our readers might enjoy?"

"She most certainly does not!" roared a voice from behind Rondah. 

Before the reporter could say another word, James had practically flew around her, and gathered Lily up in his arms.  "You would do best to stay away from her, and from me, if you know what's good for you, Miss Lapine."

"Well, I never!"

"Somehow I doubt that," hissed James, carrying Lily away and inside the house.

Lily was crying silently into James's shoulder until he finally set her down in a secluded bedroom.  She rubbed her eyes, and took in her new surroundings.  Next to the window, there was a family portrait of James, Claire, Marilyn and a man who Lily could only assume was William, James's father.  There were various quidditch posters on the walls, with the players zooming around on their broomsticks.  An old broomstick was lying on the floor next to the closet, and next to it Lily could see piles of goods from Zonko's (and probably other novelty/prank shops).  "This was your room, wasn't it?" she whispered.

James nodded, looking around as well.  "Yeah, it was."

Lily sighed.  "I'm so sorry, James… I came here to warn her, but- but…"

"This isn't your fault, baby.  Really."

"But I saw it… I had a vision, but I thought it was just a warning of something to come.  So I came here to tell her, to help her get away, but I was too late…"

"Lil, there was nothing else we could do.  I'm guessing you know how it happened…"

"The Killing Curse," she whispered.  James nodded solemnly.  "If only I had known sooner…"

"You know by now that visions don't work that way.  They show you what you need to see, when you need to see it.  There was nothing to be done."

"James, aren't you even the least bit upset?  Your mother was just killed.  Not only that, but she was killed by the same wizard that killed our child!  Does that mean nothing to you?!"

"I'm trying, ok?!" James yelled back, pacing around the room.  "It's just too much!" James paused, and took a deep breath.  "Okay, Lil, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to yell.  You just have to understand that I've been going insane!  First, we lose our little Angelica, then I lose you, and now this… what am I supposed to do?"

Lily bit her lower lip and shook her head.  "I don't know," she whispered.  "But I wish I did…"

James sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her.  "Me too…"

"What are we going to do now?" Lily asked.

"What do you mean?"

"James, on top of everything else, she was our Secret-Keeper.  They had to have known… that's the only reason I can think of…"

"But killing her wouldn't help," James said.  "She would need to actually tell them where we were."

"Think about it, James.  I'm sure they tried to get her to talk, and when she wouldn't, they… they-"  Lily started crying again.

"Shhh," James tried calming her.

"Can I come in?" asked someone, knocking on the door. 

James looked at the door suspiciously before saying "Yes?"  He was very relieved though when his sister walked in.

"I just heard," Claire said, fighting back tears of her own.  "Do they know anything yet?"

"It was Voldemort, or one of his followers.  They used the Killing Curse, but that's all we know for certain."

Claire sat down next to her brother and sister-in-law on the bed.  "What more is there?  James, nowhere is safe anymore… Voldemort has his Death Eaters popping up almost everywhere!  I've even heard rumors of them gaining strength places like Romania, trying to get access to the dragons…"

James took his right arm from around Lily and put it around his sister.  He sighed and shook his head.  "Dark times are ahead, but I know it, I just have this feeling in my gut, that we will get through them.  Something will get us through it."

"But what?" asked Lily, having the strange feeling that she already knew the answer.

"Before anything else happens though, I want to tell you both something," Claire said.  "I want to take mum's place.  I'll be your Secret-Keeper now."

"How did you know?" James asked.

"I just did, okay?  Please, let me do this for you…"

"We can't put you in that kind of danger though!" Lily insisted.

"I want you to.  I need to do this… James, you're my only brother.  If I can't look out for you now, then who will?"

"Are you sure?" James asked.  Claire nodded, wiping a tear from her face.  "Then I will agree, but only if you promise to be more careful than mum.  We'll arrange for you to hide somewhere…"

The family of three sat there on James's old bed for a while longer.  Nobody knew what to say or what to do, so they simply sat in silence.  In fact, it wasn't until their silence was interrupted by one of James's work colleagues that they even moved again.

"Potter! There you are," a tired, older-looking wizard said.  "Oh," he said, obviously seeing Lily and Claire on either side of James.  "I'm so sorry…"

"What is it, Fudge?" James asked, rather impatient.

"Well, some of the boys were wondering, that is to say, we wanted to know, I mean, well, what would you like for us to do with your mother's body?"

James could feel the tears swelling from behind his eyes, but he refused to give in.  He would not cry in front of his wife and sister, at least not at this time.  "I'll take care of it," he whispered.

"You're certain that that's best?" Fudge asked.

"I said I would handle it," James told him, getting rather annoyed.

"Alright, James.  If that's what you want.  She's in the living room."  And with that, Cornelius Fudge walked out of the room.

"God, I didn't even think about having to do this," Claire cried.

"I'll do it," whispered Lily.  "I'll make the arrangements for the funeral."

"Really?" James asked.

"Yes," she replied.  "We can do a joint service for Angelica as well.  She never got one…"