I live with a Saint that's a sinner. How is that possible? I live with my
brother, Sonny Corinthos. I never knew what he was like; I only knew what
other people told me. I knew that he was rich and dangerous. I knew that
his first wife had been killed although I'm not sure why. Some said it was
because of him. Others told me that it was because of a woman. I knew that
he was stubborn and obstinate. I knew that he hurt people because he could
at least that's what my father told me. I knew that he didn't know how to
forgive; my father told me that too. You see I never really knew him though
until I lived with him. It's funny what you learn when you live with
someone. Did you know that he starts his day by opening up the blinds in
the morning on the second floor? I didn't. I didn't know that he had to
have breakfast every morning with at least four different produce. I never
knew that he was allergic to chocolate milk either. I bet Mike doesn't even
know that. He likes cartoons but he won't admit it. I think his favorite
character is Batman. I can see why. He's like him. They both wear masks for
the same reasons. They both want to hide who they are. They're both afraid
of what they might become. They're both scared of crossing a line that they
can't come back from. I watch him sometimes. When I'm sitting on the couch,
reading a book or playing with Rosie, I watch him. He doesn't see me. He's
too busy talking on the phone, or going over business papers. I scrutinize
the way he walks and the way he moves his hands when he talks. Even the way
he breathes is a sight. He has this way of emanating power and control.
It's so intense that it's almost physical. His words are never just words
and his voice never just speaks.
But all that disappears when she's in the room. His eyes aren't as dark. His stance isn't as powerful. His voice even softens and I know. I know that he loves her. He tries to fight it. He doesn't want to acknowledge it. He tells his wife that he doesn't. He tells her that she's his past and that what they had is over, but it's not. I know his words and his actions. I hear the way he tries to justify the reasons as to why he goes after her. The explanations he gives Carly for why he's always there to help her. He tells her that she needs him. He tells her that she's not strong enough, but the truth is it's him. He can't stay away. He doesn't know how. It's the sinner in him. I know that feeling well.
It's odd because I never thought that him and I were anything alike but we are. That's something else my loving father fails to see. My brother tortures himself because he thinks that's his destiny and I hurt myself because I think that it's mine. I don't know why we do what we do. We're both trying to be the judge and jury of our lives. The Saint inside us feels we have to be punished for the sinner that dwells within us.
I asked him once why he lied to Carly? He looked at me as though he didn't know what I was talking about. I asked him why he wasn't with the woman that he loved? I asked him why he didn't just let go and be with her? I knew that she made him happy. The way he let her walk over him sometimes. The way his eyes softened when her name was mentioned or his hands always seemed to be clasped together tightly as though fighting the urge to touch her. He couldn't deny what he felt, at least not to me. He stared at me for a long time. I guess he was thinking of the right answer, if there is one. He sighed and walked around me to stare into the fireplace.
I'm not sure what he saw but it made him chuckle. I never heard him chuckle until then. I didn't know he could. He just stared into orange flames as they seethed and licked at his still form. He bowed his head and ran his hand over his face and through his hair a few times but said nothing. Finally when I thought that he would leave me there never knowing he told me.
"She wouldn't understand."
I wasn't sure if he were talking about his wife or the woman that had his heart. "Who?"
He shrugged. "Both. You see people live their lives searching for love. They think that once they find it, everything else will be okay. They have these fantasies of what loving someone can do. As if somehow if you find that. that one person, your life will be so much better. somehow it'll be complete. but that's the lie of love. Love doesn't make things easier. It makes life harder. It makes your life more complicated because that's the price you pay for something that beautiful. The better the love, the higher the price, and I've learned that price is too high."
He refused to sacrifice others for the greatest love that he had ever known. I'm not saying that he doesn't love Carly. I think that he does. I know that he does, the same way I love A.J. We love who we love because it's safe and the price isn't too steep. Some say he's selfish and hard, but that's not true. He can't be all those things, not when he's with Michael. I see the saint clearest then. He's good to him and generous and loving. He's a better father then most. He's not resentful to the family that he has even if it's not the family that he dreamed of. He holds his wife at night close in his arms because she needs him to. He listens to her when she wants to talk, and he encourages her when she doubts herself. He confides in her because she needs to feel close to him even though he'll never tell her his deepest thoughts. He can't afford to because the sinner always holds him back. It's sad to think that with all the money he has and all the power, it's still not enough to get him what he wants.
You see no one knows that he's given up most of his life to be there for someone else. She doesn't even know. She loves him, she needs him and she wants him but she doesn't understand why he won't be with her. She thinks it's because he can't be honest or trust her. But the truth is he can't trust himself. He can't trust that he'll always be able to pay the price of what their love will cost because of the saint that wants to do right. So he gives her a life that won't cost much of anything from either of them or those around them. He gives her an artificial happiness and she lets him. He's a giver. He gives to her all the time and the only thing he wants in return is for her to not have to pay and still be able to love her. He sacrifices his love for her life and that's why he's a saint and a sinner.
Most people will never get that; most people can't even understand it. But I do. I watch him sometimes and I wonder if he knows it. I wonder if he knows just how much I see when I look at him. I see the Saint. and I see the sinner forever intertwined inside him. They live and love and lose everyday and there's no way that they will ever be separated. They battle one another sometimes inching him closer to the woman that haunts his dreams sometimes drifting him farther away from her. The Saint makes him promises that he's better without her. That being with her makes him irrational and mean. The Saint tells him there's no way that he will ever be able to pay for that kind of happiness because he's not pure enough to have it and he wants to listen. He wants to be good like Batman trying to stay away from Catwoman. But the sinner inside continues to whisper to him. The sinner reminds him of the late night kisses and the warm embraces; the twinkle in her eyes and the beauty of her smile. The sinner makes him remember and makes him want to be with her and so he's tortured for all his life. He's forever caught in the middle of his own spiritual battle and no matter who wins; he will always lose.
And all I can do is sit back and watch him from my seat on the couch and pray.
But all that disappears when she's in the room. His eyes aren't as dark. His stance isn't as powerful. His voice even softens and I know. I know that he loves her. He tries to fight it. He doesn't want to acknowledge it. He tells his wife that he doesn't. He tells her that she's his past and that what they had is over, but it's not. I know his words and his actions. I hear the way he tries to justify the reasons as to why he goes after her. The explanations he gives Carly for why he's always there to help her. He tells her that she needs him. He tells her that she's not strong enough, but the truth is it's him. He can't stay away. He doesn't know how. It's the sinner in him. I know that feeling well.
It's odd because I never thought that him and I were anything alike but we are. That's something else my loving father fails to see. My brother tortures himself because he thinks that's his destiny and I hurt myself because I think that it's mine. I don't know why we do what we do. We're both trying to be the judge and jury of our lives. The Saint inside us feels we have to be punished for the sinner that dwells within us.
I asked him once why he lied to Carly? He looked at me as though he didn't know what I was talking about. I asked him why he wasn't with the woman that he loved? I asked him why he didn't just let go and be with her? I knew that she made him happy. The way he let her walk over him sometimes. The way his eyes softened when her name was mentioned or his hands always seemed to be clasped together tightly as though fighting the urge to touch her. He couldn't deny what he felt, at least not to me. He stared at me for a long time. I guess he was thinking of the right answer, if there is one. He sighed and walked around me to stare into the fireplace.
I'm not sure what he saw but it made him chuckle. I never heard him chuckle until then. I didn't know he could. He just stared into orange flames as they seethed and licked at his still form. He bowed his head and ran his hand over his face and through his hair a few times but said nothing. Finally when I thought that he would leave me there never knowing he told me.
"She wouldn't understand."
I wasn't sure if he were talking about his wife or the woman that had his heart. "Who?"
He shrugged. "Both. You see people live their lives searching for love. They think that once they find it, everything else will be okay. They have these fantasies of what loving someone can do. As if somehow if you find that. that one person, your life will be so much better. somehow it'll be complete. but that's the lie of love. Love doesn't make things easier. It makes life harder. It makes your life more complicated because that's the price you pay for something that beautiful. The better the love, the higher the price, and I've learned that price is too high."
He refused to sacrifice others for the greatest love that he had ever known. I'm not saying that he doesn't love Carly. I think that he does. I know that he does, the same way I love A.J. We love who we love because it's safe and the price isn't too steep. Some say he's selfish and hard, but that's not true. He can't be all those things, not when he's with Michael. I see the saint clearest then. He's good to him and generous and loving. He's a better father then most. He's not resentful to the family that he has even if it's not the family that he dreamed of. He holds his wife at night close in his arms because she needs him to. He listens to her when she wants to talk, and he encourages her when she doubts herself. He confides in her because she needs to feel close to him even though he'll never tell her his deepest thoughts. He can't afford to because the sinner always holds him back. It's sad to think that with all the money he has and all the power, it's still not enough to get him what he wants.
You see no one knows that he's given up most of his life to be there for someone else. She doesn't even know. She loves him, she needs him and she wants him but she doesn't understand why he won't be with her. She thinks it's because he can't be honest or trust her. But the truth is he can't trust himself. He can't trust that he'll always be able to pay the price of what their love will cost because of the saint that wants to do right. So he gives her a life that won't cost much of anything from either of them or those around them. He gives her an artificial happiness and she lets him. He's a giver. He gives to her all the time and the only thing he wants in return is for her to not have to pay and still be able to love her. He sacrifices his love for her life and that's why he's a saint and a sinner.
Most people will never get that; most people can't even understand it. But I do. I watch him sometimes and I wonder if he knows it. I wonder if he knows just how much I see when I look at him. I see the Saint. and I see the sinner forever intertwined inside him. They live and love and lose everyday and there's no way that they will ever be separated. They battle one another sometimes inching him closer to the woman that haunts his dreams sometimes drifting him farther away from her. The Saint makes him promises that he's better without her. That being with her makes him irrational and mean. The Saint tells him there's no way that he will ever be able to pay for that kind of happiness because he's not pure enough to have it and he wants to listen. He wants to be good like Batman trying to stay away from Catwoman. But the sinner inside continues to whisper to him. The sinner reminds him of the late night kisses and the warm embraces; the twinkle in her eyes and the beauty of her smile. The sinner makes him remember and makes him want to be with her and so he's tortured for all his life. He's forever caught in the middle of his own spiritual battle and no matter who wins; he will always lose.
And all I can do is sit back and watch him from my seat on the couch and pray.