Chapter one
Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Frodo.
Frodo: (looks at him)
Gandalf: It's quite cool.
Frodo:(screams in pain) AAAAHHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!
(Ring clangs to the floor)
Frodo: Well would you look at that- I'VE GOT A BLOODY HOLE IN MY HAND AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!
(Gandalf tells Frodo about Gollum and Barad-Dur and all that good stuff- Shire Baggins)
Frodo: Shire? Baggins? But that will lead them here!
Gandalf: You JUST figured that out?
(The one everyone's been waiting for- Boromir's Death Scene!)
Boromir: I would have followed you my brother. My captain. My king.
(dies)
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.
(Boromir floats off in the boat and as it goes over Rauros-falls you hear) But I'm not dead YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
Legolas: If he wasn't dead then, he sure as heck should be dead now.
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion- which I note they have not- I'd say-
Legolas: SHUT UP YOU MORONIC DWARF! NO ONE GIVES A *censored* WHAT YOU SAY!
Gimli:(mutters) Prissy elf...
Legolas: (arches eyebrow) I heard that.
Legolas:(singing) I can see what's happening.
Gimli:What?
Legolas: And they don't have a clue.
Gimli: Who?
Legolas: They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line- our trio's down to two.
Gimli: Oh. Who's the other person?
Legolas: Aragorn you idiot.
Gimli: Oh.
Legolas; The sweet caress of twilight. There's magic in the air-
Gimli: That's probably Gandalf's fault. Do you know what he did to me the other day because I-
Legolas:(strained)And with all this romantic atmosphere- disaster's in the air.
Boromir:(looking up expectantly) Kill me now. Please kill me now. Just snuff my life out.
Frodo:(Sam, Pip and Merry vocalize in the background)(Frodo squeaks) Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things.
Aragorn:So many things to tell her but how to make her see? The fact that I'm human- impossible! She'd turn away from me.
Boromir:AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's hideous! What is that thing?(Arwen hits him upside the head)
Arwen: He's holding back he's hiding- but what I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is- the king I see inside? Frodo:Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings? The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things. (That lovely key change) Can you feel the love tonight? You needn't look too far. Stealing through the night's uncertainty, love is where they are.
Boromir: Did anyone ever tell you that you can't sing?
Legolas: And if he falls in love tonight-
Boromir: And neither can you.
Gimli: (blows his nose)
Boromir: EWW!! Gross!
Legolas: It can be assum- assoomed- assumade-
Boromir: Dumbass.
Gandalf:(slowly) Assumed.
Legolas: Assumed.
Boromir: Good job, three year old. Gimli: His stressful days with us are history
Aragorn: THANK YOU ERU!
Both: In short our pal is doomed.
Boromir: Who me or Aragorn?
(Legolas takes out his bow and shoots Boromir in the head)
Gimli: I mean come on- he's gettin' married.
Arwen's voice: I resent that!
Gimli: I don't give a rat's behind she-elf!
Legolas: You don't care about what Gimli, darling?
Gimli:(inches away slowly)
Pippin runs into someone and looks up. Then he stands up- he still has to look up. Then he runs away screaming when he sees who the figure is.
Dobby: Peregrin Took doesn't like me? Dang it! I knows thing Ring's going to be destroyed! Oops. (grabs Frodo's sword, starts hitting himself over the head with it)Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
Sam is under water. Frodo pulls him out and into the boat.
Frodo: Sam? Sam? Bloody hell Sam if you don't wake up I WILL use mouth-to-mouth!
Sam:(coughs and sputters)You were saying?
Frodo; I thought so.
Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Frodo.
Frodo: (looks at him)
Gandalf: It's quite cool.
Frodo:(screams in pain) AAAAHHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!
(Ring clangs to the floor)
Frodo: Well would you look at that- I'VE GOT A BLOODY HOLE IN MY HAND AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!
(Gandalf tells Frodo about Gollum and Barad-Dur and all that good stuff- Shire Baggins)
Frodo: Shire? Baggins? But that will lead them here!
Gandalf: You JUST figured that out?
(The one everyone's been waiting for- Boromir's Death Scene!)
Boromir: I would have followed you my brother. My captain. My king.
(dies)
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.
(Boromir floats off in the boat and as it goes over Rauros-falls you hear) But I'm not dead YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
Legolas: If he wasn't dead then, he sure as heck should be dead now.
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion- which I note they have not- I'd say-
Legolas: SHUT UP YOU MORONIC DWARF! NO ONE GIVES A *censored* WHAT YOU SAY!
Gimli:(mutters) Prissy elf...
Legolas: (arches eyebrow) I heard that.
Legolas:(singing) I can see what's happening.
Gimli:What?
Legolas: And they don't have a clue.
Gimli: Who?
Legolas: They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line- our trio's down to two.
Gimli: Oh. Who's the other person?
Legolas: Aragorn you idiot.
Gimli: Oh.
Legolas; The sweet caress of twilight. There's magic in the air-
Gimli: That's probably Gandalf's fault. Do you know what he did to me the other day because I-
Legolas:(strained)And with all this romantic atmosphere- disaster's in the air.
Boromir:(looking up expectantly) Kill me now. Please kill me now. Just snuff my life out.
Frodo:(Sam, Pip and Merry vocalize in the background)(Frodo squeaks) Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things.
Aragorn:So many things to tell her but how to make her see? The fact that I'm human- impossible! She'd turn away from me.
Boromir:AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's hideous! What is that thing?(Arwen hits him upside the head)
Arwen: He's holding back he's hiding- but what I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is- the king I see inside? Frodo:Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings? The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things. (That lovely key change) Can you feel the love tonight? You needn't look too far. Stealing through the night's uncertainty, love is where they are.
Boromir: Did anyone ever tell you that you can't sing?
Legolas: And if he falls in love tonight-
Boromir: And neither can you.
Gimli: (blows his nose)
Boromir: EWW!! Gross!
Legolas: It can be assum- assoomed- assumade-
Boromir: Dumbass.
Gandalf:(slowly) Assumed.
Legolas: Assumed.
Boromir: Good job, three year old. Gimli: His stressful days with us are history
Aragorn: THANK YOU ERU!
Both: In short our pal is doomed.
Boromir: Who me or Aragorn?
(Legolas takes out his bow and shoots Boromir in the head)
Gimli: I mean come on- he's gettin' married.
Arwen's voice: I resent that!
Gimli: I don't give a rat's behind she-elf!
Legolas: You don't care about what Gimli, darling?
Gimli:(inches away slowly)
Pippin runs into someone and looks up. Then he stands up- he still has to look up. Then he runs away screaming when he sees who the figure is.
Dobby: Peregrin Took doesn't like me? Dang it! I knows thing Ring's going to be destroyed! Oops. (grabs Frodo's sword, starts hitting himself over the head with it)Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
Sam is under water. Frodo pulls him out and into the boat.
Frodo: Sam? Sam? Bloody hell Sam if you don't wake up I WILL use mouth-to-mouth!
Sam:(coughs and sputters)You were saying?
Frodo; I thought so.