Disclaimer: Don't own anything in this fic- Never will.

Psycho Sue B: I, Psycho Sue 'B', being of questionable body and no known mind hereby give my permission to post this insane Crack-Fic under the Psycho Sue name. And do hereby swear not to whine, complain, or pursue any form of vigilante action.

Author's Notes: For those of you who have read our collab, Humanoid Typhoon (which I am convinced isn't many if ANY of you), then you should recognize 'B' up there. She was kind/naive enough to allow us to post on this id. She was also kind/naive enough to allow another author to become 'C' and make us more of the 'Three Psycho Sue-keteers.'

Everybody thank B.

Miss Celary/C: Thank you B, you have allowed us to unleash this on the world.

Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 1): Last time, two (count'em two) random school girls (who just happen to be failing Algebra 2, but that's another tale all together) were transported for no apparent reason into the depths of Middle Earth-

C: But they aren't in Moria…

A: Nevermind.

(For those of you who didn't read Chapter 1): Last chapter, the valiant Jedi Samantha crash-landed in Rivendell, she miraculously met Legolas (even though he doesn't live there) and they fell in love at first sight. Then the Puu-Chuu attacked, the small bubble like adorable creatures took out hundreds of well-armed elves until Samantha saved them all with her Magical Amulet.

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[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "2"]

One of the spiders leapt out of the tree, and nearly landed on Sam. She slashed up into the air, and cut off three of the spider's legs and managed to cut it along its neck. Sam spun out of the way of the falling beast and winced as it hissed at her with more of that ooze leaking from its mouth. Sam raised her sword above her head, and swung down with all her strength, cutting the spider's head clear off its neck. Sam nearly fainted as the dead spiders body let off a putrid stench. The second spider took the opportunity and launched a stream of thick, sticky webbing at her. The webbing hit her left hand and stuck her legs together.

"Oh mother fu-…" Sam cut through the webbing binding her legs, and looked around desperately for the spider. She was cut off when a tree branch above her came crashing down and nearly killed her. She jumped to the side and looked up, the spider was no more than a foot from her.  It hissed and Sam held her breath to avoid inhaling the nauseating fumes. The ooze from its fangs dripped down onto her leg and she nearly gagged, it was slimy and it burned her scratches like acid. The spider advanced on her, and Sam kicked it as hard as she could. The spider was knocked off of the tree and onto the ground. Sam wasted no time while the spider recovered. She stabbed her sword down and straight through the beast's head. The spider wriggled and clawed violently as it let loose a bloodcurdling shriek.

Sam pulled her sword free of the arachnid's skull and looked around nervously, she quickly gathered her things and retrieved her flashlight. She kept her sword out and walked swiftly through the dark woods until she felt like she was far enough away.

"Since when do 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders' live in Winchesterton Central Park!?" She yelled up at the sky, and kept walking. "I need to complain to the Parks and Recreational Department…" Sam grumbled and started to slow her pace. Her stomach growled and she stopped.

"Oh man…" She looked up at the dark canopy, and squinted. "It must be after noon by now… My mother is so going to kill me…" Sam set her hunger aside as she thought about the huge spiders and her mother, silently wondering which one was worse. Sam kept walking, and thinking, she was so deep in thought she nearly missed a path as she walked across it.

"What the?" She stared down. The path wasn't of just dirt; in fact it was paved with baby's tears. Sam knelt down and touched the springy little plants with her hand to make sure they were real. "Is this the path?" She looked rather puzzled, and looked both ways down the strange road. The trees that lined it seemed significantly less ominous than the spider filled trees in the direction she came from, along the path it wasn't pitch black, it was dim, like an old dust hothouse, but it was better than nothing.

"Hmm… This is rather convenient…" Sam looked around suspiciously. She was rather paranoid, for the 'Powers-That-Be' didn't seem to enjoy giving out convenient things without some horrible downside. Sam thought for a moment, and remembered. "Oh yeah, wasn't that summer camp… Daisy-lo or Anawano down near the edge of the Park?" Sam congratulated herself on her good memory, and began to walk down the path. Sam walked for a while and decided to take a break and cool down, that's when she spotted something shiny on the ground.

"What's this?" Sam blinked and leaned a little to get a better look at the shiny thing. Sam stood up, leaving her bags behind her, and walked over to the rock in front of the shiny thing. She leaned over the six-inch high rock, and picked up the object. "Hey, this is Courtney's School Id… But what is it doing here?" Sam stared at the bad picture of her friend for a moment and then smacked her forehead, successfully getting half the sticky webbing from her left hand onto her forehead in the process.

"Eww… Duh! I must have walked all the way to the end of the north path!" Sam laughed, and pocketed the Id. Sam turned around to pick up her stuff and leave, but as the 'Powers-That-Be' would have it, she tripped and fell just off to the side of the path into one of her dear friends, the 'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastard' bushes. "…This sucks…" She grumbled, and tried to roll out of the large prickly bush. She managed to use her sword to pull her flag bag closer. She dropped her sword into the bag, and pulled out her staff. As she took out her staff, her tazer fell out, so she picked it up and placed it into her pocket.

"Alright…lets try this…" Sam planted the end of the staff firmly on the ground behind her, and pushed on the staff, lifting herself out of the bush. "Yes, it worked!" There was a brief whizzing noise, and an arrow lodged itself in Sam's staff.  Sam blinked and stared at the arrow before summing up her emotions with yet another 'colorful phrase.'

"Oh Son of a Bitch…" Sam used her staff to leap quite a ways from her previous position just in the nick of time. A volley of arrows came flying out of the trees and all managed to land or pass through places where Sam's vital organs just happened to have been. "Crap, crap, crap, crap…" Sam chanted as she snagged both her bags with her left arm and broke into a dead run. The strangest thing happened though; the arrows kept getting closer to hitting her, yet she could never hear anyone following her.

An arrow grazed the back of Sam's leg and she gave up on running. She used her staff to vault into the air. While she was in the air she quickly tossed her bags into a tree before making a rather ungraceful landing that involved rolling down the path a ways. Luckily Sam was rather accustomed to making ungraceful landings and she broke into a run again. She could hear the sounds of bowstrings being drawn back, and she abruptly stopped. Another pair of arrows whizzed past right in front of her. Sam gulped, and decided to do the stupidest thing she had ever done.

"HAAA!!" She yelled and ran towards the sounds of bowstrings. She vaulted up just in time to avoid becoming a pincushion, she could only remember one of her old staff attacks, and she did it rather quickly. She spun around, and pulled the whole of the staff above her head, and with all her strength she slammed it downwards as she landed. It cracked through a few small branches, and nailed some poor fellow with a bow so hard he went out like a light. The arrow he had readied flew from the bow and just missed Sam's head by an inch.

"Who else wants some!?" Sam yelled as she landed on the ground, and removed her staff from the unconscious gentleman's face. She swung her staff around, and it sounded like she had snapped at least one bow with her weapon, though it was quite dark off to the side of the path and she couldn't see more than the darkness of the background and the darker shade of the figures. "Well?" She yelled and got ready to test the limits of her incredible attack dodging luck.

Sam gulped as she heard the sounds of knives being unsheathed. One of the dark figures lunged at her; Sam stepped to the side of the poorly aimed attack, and hit the man in the stomach knocking him out as well. Sam didn't realize that the first man's attack was only a diversion; the second man was already close enough that she couldn't dodge in time. She twisted back, and felt the cold edge of his knife across her stomach, she couldn't tell if it had cut her or not. She stumbled and the man spun around, knocking the staff from her hands with a kick.

Sam nearly fell down but caught herself on a tree and kicked at the man. He moved back a step or so and caught her foot in his hand. Sam wasn't sure if she could manage a kick in these closed quarters but she tried anyways. With as much strength as she could give it Sam jumped, picking her other foot off the ground and kicked the man in the head as she spun around. She managed to free her foot from his grasp but her landing was far from perfect, she ended up on her hands and knees rather than standing. The man stumbled back and drew a second knife out.

"Damn it all," Sam growled, she wasn't sure what to do. The man advanced on her, and Sam remembered her pocket.  The man was no more than a foot away, he grabbed her shoulder and it looked like she was through. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her tazer, before the man knew what was happening she turned it on and pressed it to his neck. There was a crackling noise as the tazer sent a few thousand volts of electricity through the man and he dropped his knives. Sam pulled her hand back before the tazer shorted out, and the man fell to the ground just like his other two friends had.

There was a long silence and Sam squinted in the darkness. The other two men she had knocked out were gone, and the last of them was lying on her leg. Sam couldn't see her staff anywhere and she sighed. 

"That was insane…" Sam took a deep breath and flopped back onto the ground. Se felt a sharp pain, and remembered the cut on her stomach. "Oh man…" She ran her hand along her stomach and could feel the cut, it wasn't too deep but it hurt like all hell. She glared down at the man and decided on a course of action. She was never one to play games; she always took control and commanded the situation to her liking.

"Ahh…Alright!" She groaned as she shoved the man off of her leg and stood up. "First things first! I'd better get out of here before those other two bring their friends along… and you buddy are coming with me." She picked the man up by his hands and, with much effort, dragged him out into the path. She managed to climb up into the tree her bags were residing in and retrieve both of them. She pulled him quite a ways in the direction of the spiders until she was almost back to the bridge. 

"There we go!" She chimed as she pulled on the knots to make sure they were secure. Sam leaned back, and touched the cut on her stomach gingerly. It was sore as hell, but as long as she didn't move around too much it was fine. She sighed and looked up at the canopy of trees. Because of the abundance of rocks around the sky was visible between some of the trees, the sky was clear of most clouds and the moon was barely hidden by one of the trees.

"Dang… it's late," Sam sighed and remembered her mother. Her mother was probably calling the army or the National Guard to go and find her. She frowned a little and looked over at her captive. He was wearing a green tunic, reasonably tall brown boots that Sam would kill to have, and he had the most gorgeous long blonde hair. "That is one damn fine camp councilor…" She took a good look at him, he could have been a model easily, and there was no way he was from Winchesterton. In fact, she had never seen him before in her life and she knew everyone in town.

"At least it's nice and cool tonight," Sam leaned back. She loved the cold, especially at night. She would always get yelled at when she went out to play in the snow without her jacket. She was about to drift off when a thought crossed her mind. "Oh damn my conscience." She grumbled as she riffled through her bag and took out her large swim towel. She leaned over and pulled the towel over the unconscious man, grumbling about how nice she was the whole time.

"He shoots me and I put a towel over him to make sure he's comfortable…" She looked up at the sky and sneered. "You forced manners on me Mom, I might as well use them!" She nearly yelled and smiled as she drifted off to sleep.

[/fic]

[emergency value= "#1.800.Funny.Farm" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]

Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference.

Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com .  After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

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