Disclaimer: If we owned anything do you really think we'd be writing FANFICTION for fun?
Psycho Sue 'B': Dang homework… You know because of it I have yet to actually read this so called Lord of The Rings fanfiction.
A: That so? *hands a wad of cash to B's teachers*
C: Damn shame.
Author's Notes: Luckily…errr… Unfortunately for us, B has yet to read this piece of parp…errr… Fanfiction.
C: What's the difference?
A: …Point. Aren't euphemisms fun?
C: Indeed they are.
Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 2): Last time unfortunate Sam was attacked by spiders, beat them up, found Courtney's school i.d. and was then attacked by a crazed group of 'bow-and-arrow-wielding-camp-councilors.' She managed to tazer the last of them (who seemed far better trained than the other two) and dragged him off to be interrogated.
(For those of you who didn't read Chapter 2): Last chapter the Jedi Sam discovered Legolas, her newly engaged fiancée, kissing Chewbaka. She was so very distraught at this sight that she threatened she would jump off the terraces of Rivendell to her death until SpaceButler talked her down. She ignored Legolas' desperate pleas and ran into the arms of Celeborn for comfort. Aragorn admitted his love for Sam and formally renounced Arwen in front of the whole Jedi Council. What will happen next!?
[/sanity]
[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "3" dialogue= "max"]
[romance= "internal error."]
Sam woke up incredibly early that morning. The sun hadn't even risen yet; it couldn't have been more than four o'clock. Sam looked around at the trees, and took a deep breath. Her throat was mildly sore from the cold, moist morning air, she felt sticky, probably because of the small layer of fog that covered the ground, and she had to use the restroom like nobody's business.
"Oh man," Sam sat up and held her stomach, she was so incredibly sore that she had to use a rock to held keep her balance while standing. Sam took a brief look over her shoulder, her captive was still unconscious and tied up rather well. She decided to change out of her muddy, stinking, cut up clothes, so she riffled through her bag and pulled out her gym shorts, sports bra, and her deodorant.
Sam walked off a few meters, answered nature's call, got dressed, and transferred the contests of one pair of shorts to the other. She started back, and attempted to detangle her long brown hair, using her fingers as a makeshift comb. She had it up in a bun when she had left school grounds, but when she woke up this morning it was all nearly hanging down anyways. When she arrived back in camp, she noticed her captive was half awake, and looked like he had a splitting headache.
"So, I take it by your groans of severe skull splitting head pain, you're awake." Sam said dryly as she walked over to her bag and dropped the deodorant in. "Sleep well?" She smirked and snatched the light green towel off him, rolling it back up and stuffing it in her bag.
"Uhh… I can't feel my arms." The blonde man groaned in a half-awake tone.
"Well there could be many causes for that, either the ten thousand volts of tazer you got yesterday for trying to kill me, or the leather straps I tied you with were a tad too tight, or perhaps you just go numb when you get cold?" Sam sat down, and pulled the old stale granola bar out of her bag. She was starving and this would have to do. "Want some breakfast, Mr. Attacker?" Sam unwrapped the granola bar and broke it in half.
"Legolas." He said. He seemed to be waking up a little more, that last comment didn't have the groggy slur to it like the first.
"Lego-what? I sure hope that wasn't some insult in another language. Lest no granola bar for you." She raised an eyebrow at the man, and shot him a strange look.
"You called me 'Mr. Attacker.' My name is Legolas." The man stated again, and looked at his surroundings. "This is not where we were when we fought."
"Well, Legolas." Sam stated dryly. "Sorry if I had to move you, but I didn't particularly feel like fighting off your Crazed Councilor Buddies, and the 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders.'" Sam stared at him, and popped half the granola bar in her mouth.
"So. Just. What. Was. You. Guys'. Problem. Yesterday?" Sam said between chewing and swallowing. Her mother had forced some manners on her, but not talking while she ate wasn't among them. Legolas stared at her, and she stared back. "Okay, don't feel like talking to me yet. Fine, that's understandable." Sam shrugged and put the other half of the granola bar back in the wrapper and put the whole thing in her pocket for later.
"Samantha Williams." Sam said as she flopped down on the ground to stare up at the sky.
"Pardon?" Legolas looked over at her, though all he could see was her legs, and part of her stomach.
"That's my name man." Sam laughed and propped herself up on her elbows. "If you feel like being my friend you can call me Sam." She snickered at him and smiled.
"Samantha, Sam?" He said her name and nickname once as if in an attempt to get used to them. "I am not a man." He said and leaned back.
"What, you a transvestite?" Samantha blinked at him, and looked him up and down.
"A tranz-vest-eyete?" Legolas looked over at her again.
"Well from here you look all man to me, but then again you never know these days." Sam rolled her eyes. "Except the pointy ears really give away the costume. You're a little early for Halloween Legolas." Sam leaned back, and thought about his name for a moment, she couldn't get over how familiar it sounded but she couldn't quite place it. She glanced over and could see part of his expression. He mouthed the word 'Halloween' and looked a little beyond utterly confused.
Sam leaned back and watched the clouds through the small gaps between the tall trees. She wasn't really paying attention to what Legolas was doing; in fact she didn't really care. The two of them sat in a peaceful quiet for nearly an hour, and finally Legolas let out a sigh. Sam lifted her head up and looked over at him.
"You are skilled at tying knots." Legolas shot her a look and sighed.
"So that's what you were up to." Sam sat up, and crossed her legs. "Well, if you promise not to try and kill me I'd be tempted to untie your hands." She smiled, it was the kind of smile that belayed both a nice gesture and that 'if you even think about untying your feet I'll skin you alive' sentiment.
"Very well, I promise." Legolas raised an eyebrow, and laughed. Sam stood up, and moved around behind Legolas. She untied his hands, and unhooked the leather straps from the rock they had been lashed to.
"Here, you might want these." Sam stood up, and dropped the leather straps in Legolas's lap "I took them off you earlier." Sam stretched her arms over her head, but stopped as the incredible pain across her stomach reminded her of her injury. She cringed a little and dropped her arms to her sides as she went to sit back down.
"Thank you Lady Samantha." Legolas said as he rubbed his wrists in an attempt to bring feeling back to his hands.
"W-what did you just call me?" Sam froze, and turned around with a stunned look on her face.
"…Lady Samantha?" Legolas stared at her as he reattached the straps to his outfit.
That was all it took, Sam busted out laughing right then and there. She laughed so hard she fell back on her butt, holding her stomach. The cut on her stomach hurt, but being called a lady was just so damned funny. Legolas stared at her, and silently wondered if she was ill or had suffered a severe blow to the head. Sam finally had to stop laughing because it simply hurt too much, but she would have to tease Legolas about that for a long while yet.
"Legolas, buddy." Sam sighed, and caught her breath. "That was seriously funny. Good joke, seriously. Wheeew that was nice. You deserve a High Five for that one." Sam held up her hand and smiled at Legolas. Legolas stared at her, and held his hand up to mimic her. She stared at him, and moved her hand forward, giving him a high five.
"I am afraid I do not understand." Legolas raised an eyebrow and stared at his hand.
"Well, you remember how you said you weren't a man?" Sam snickered. Legolas nodded, and there was a hint of confusion across his features. "Well, just like that, I am not a lady." There was a long pause and Legolas shook his head.
"I am afraid I still do not understand. You are indeed most definitely a Lady, yet you claim not to be." Legolas closed his eyes to contemplate this for a while. Sam snickered and rolled her eyes.
"I didn't mean I was a man! I meant I'm just not ladylike!" Sam laughed at his strange responses and stood up.
"I suppose I understand…" Legolas eyed her as she stood up and put her hands on her hips. She didn't stand like any lady he'd ever met, she wore bright green shorts that came up past her belly button, and were made of some strange material, and she was wearing a black piece of clothing that looked like an overly tight, small piece of a shirt.
"So, about the whole attacking me thing." Sam stared down at him with her hands on her hips. "Why?"
"I was training the other two with me in the art of Archery, we saw you covered in spider's web and holding a sword. We believed you to be a dangerous trespasser." Legolas answered in the same kind of monotone Amy was infamous for. "Apparently we were right."
"Hey now, you attacked me first." Sam shot him a look and sighed. "Well I suppose working at a Vacation Camp out in the middle of nowhere like Winchesterton and then with the 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders' out here, you're allowed to be a little paranoid."
"Vacation Camp? Winchesterton?" Legolas looked at her, and in his mind he now thoroughly believed she had suffered a serious head injury she was speaking nonsense!
"Yes, Vacation Camp. Yes, Winchesterton." Sam rolled her eyes and made a mental note to turn down the voltage on her tazer.
"Well, then it seems we have come to an interesting point." Legolas looked up at her and smirked. "We both think the other is quite the dangerous company, yet you seem to have the distinct advantage."
"Indeed." Sam looked down at him, and rolled her eyes. "I'll make you a deal then, deary. I'll untie you if you can take me to some civilized place in the 'Park' or 'Woods' so I can contact my Mom. But you have to swear you won't try anything." Sam smirked, because even if he decided to attempt attacking her again she was rather skilled in the arts of self-defense.
"Very well. I give you my word, I will not 'try anything' Lady Samantha." Legolas would have bowed, had he not been sitting down. Samantha started laughing and shook her head.
"Just… Don't do that. You can call me Sam, Sammy if you prefer." She sighed and knelt down to undo the purple belt tied around his feet. She undid her rather tight knot, and Legolas bent over to rub his numb ankles. Sam tossed her belt into her bag, and zipped it up.
"Very well, 'Sam.'" Legolas nearly looked like he was uncomfortable without using 'Lady' before her name.
"Alright, lets get moving," Sam slung her gym bag over her right shoulder, and picked up her long red flag bag. "Well?"
"Ah, yes." Legolas took the lead, and began to navigate through the woods. They weren't too far from the path used by the Wood Elves, the one they had fought near yesterday.
The two walked along without incident of spider or other large meat-eating creature. The sun rose high in the sky and by noon they had arrived back at the baby tear paved elvish path. Legolas walked out onto the path, his steps didn't seem to leave any footprints or crush any of the fragile plants. Sam walked out after him and felt rather clumsy and ungraceful, more so than normal, because she left rather obvious footprints especially considering the weight she was carrying.
[/fic]
[sense.of.humor= "skewed" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]
Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. What scares me the most is we have two reviewers, and the secondary recap is startlingly similar to a story I have read.
Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.
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