Disclaimer: Until Christopher Tolkien, and Peter Jackson lose their minds we own nothing. What about AOL Time Warner (ect), well they've already gone off the deep end.
Author's Notes: A: Jo0- and for those of you who don't speak mutilated L33T. Welcome back to the next installment of Pure Insanity formerly known as [/sanity].
C: We guarantee you'll laugh, or want to report us, or both by the time you finish this. Or your bandwidth back!
A: Don't you mean Xing's bandwidth back?
C: Shhhh.
B: By the way, why are you both still in my house? You're distracting me from reading your fic.
A and C: Oh no particular reason.
A: [aside] Reviews will be donated to do this-
B: Do what? You realize even though you talked in another direction I could hear you, right? A?
A: Dang, that always worked in Shakespeare. *pulls a rope that drops out of the celing and the five reviewers on the roof cut the phone line*
B: My internet just went out!
Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 4): Last chapter Sam and Courtney met up, it seems they both stumbled into the same convention and pissed of the same irksome cosplayers. It also seems that Courtney's mysterious school I.d. is a dreaded plot hole!
(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 4): Courtney is brought to the light side by Haldir. Sam pledges herself to Boromir, but then late one night, goes skinny-dipping with Legolas. Meanwhile, Courtney is attacked by orcs. She defeats all the orcs with a spork, save one, which almost kills her, but Haldir takes the killing blow for her, and dies. Courtney mourns his death for a while, then goes and tries to hook up with Elrond. Aragorn goes to Glorfindel for comfort, because he finds Celeborn unsympathetic, Celeborn stalks off and joins the infamous Puu Chuu.
[Provided, mostly, by Nodalec a.k.a (temp) D]
[/ sanity]
[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "5" elves= "wood" cosplayer properties(?)= "you.wish"]
[language= "unknown"]
"Hey! What about my Miranda rights! I get a phone call!" Sam continued yelling until Courtney pulled her back from the door. They both sat down on the dirt floor and sighed.
"Sam, this is some crazy shit." Courtney sighed and flopped back on the ground.
"No kidding," Sam looked over at Courtney and blinked. "So, how'd you get lost out here?"
"It was the weirdest thing," Courtney started, "I was running down the path to get home and out of the rain, so I cut through the trees like a short cut, you know?" Sam nodded. "Well, even though I've done it like-a million times I guess I got kind of turned around. Then just out of nowhere lightning struck. It was so close it nearly burned off my eyebrows dude. I slipped and fell back into a well or something, then everything went-like 'massive-acidy-trippy' and the next thing I knew I was standing on a pile of gold. I thought I had like-died, until an 'elf' nearly tackled me from behind and they dragged me out of the vault." Courtney said, scratched the back of her head, and stared at Sam.
"So, what happened to you?" Courtney looked at Sam.
"Well, I was running to get out of the rain, like you, and I managed to get under the stone bridge over near the fake river." Sam made a few motions with her hands and Courtney nodded. "Well, it was struck by lightning like twice, nearly buried me under all the dirt. It was really late, and I was tired, so I took a catnap while I tried to wait out the rain. When I woke up everything was totaled and it looked like there had been a few natural disasters. I tried to follow the path and ended up in a friggin spider's den." Sam paused and took on an informative voice.
"By the way, did you know that there is like the worst infestation of 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders' around here?"
Courtney shook her head and Sam continued with her story.
"Well, after that I ran like my heels were on fire and ended up on this weird little path thing. Then these three nut-jobs with bow and arrow sets start shooting at me! Well I beat the living bejesus out of two of them and tazer'd the third. I dragged the third off and tied him up so he'd have to answer my questions, and he did, even gave me his word he'd help." Sam grumbled the next part under her breath. "Shows how much that's worth…" She sighed and leaned forwards. "Then I ended up here in this crazy convention, or whatever it is, and you know the rest." Courtney nodded and they both let out exasperated sighs.
"So, any ideas on how to get out of here?" Courtney lay on the ground and looked over at Sam.
"Not a one." Sam said in her 'informative' voice.
"Well, you're reading 'The Hobbit,' how'd they escape?" Courtney looked over at the doors.
"You got 'The One Ring' on you?" Courtney shook her head. "Well neither do I." Sam paused and thought of something, she was about to say it out loud when one of the elves came and sat down to guard the door.
"Yo." Sam poked Courtney with her foot and made the 'shh' motion with her hand. Courtney nodded and looked at her. "We need to use another language."
"Like what? I know we aren't nearly fluent in Spanish and speaking our token 'Elvish' won't exactly work." Courtney stared at her.
"We can use English." Sam smiled mischievously.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but their 'common speech,' as it is referred to in the books, is just a tad similar to English." Courtney gave her a look like she had lost it.
"Not that kind of English," Sam winked. "I want you to speak English so bad it would give the professor an aneurysm. *" Sam paused and Courtney nodded. "Ya dig?"
"I dig." Courtney smiled.
[Attention!]
[Due to the lack of absolute definition in American slang, the following conversation will be subtitled for the reader's sanity.]
"Holmes, don 'yall play D&D with the dawgs off the trek-wall?" Sam asked and made a series of strange hand motions.
[Courtney, don't you play Dungeons and Dragons with your friends from the Science Fiction Club?]
"I don't if my name be Shirley, yo. Sup with dat?" Courtney responded and sat up.
[Of course I do. Why do you ask?]
"Dat game ripp any bling-bling off Tolkien Bro?" Sam smirked. The horribly confused Elvish guards stood up and looked through the small window in the door.
[Doesn't that game have magic rings?]
"Course Foo- D&D's bling be off da' hook." Courtney looked at Sam and wondered where she was going.
[Yes it does, it has many really interesting rings.]
"Yall be a horde'in any' o dat Ho?" Sam stared at Courtney. The two guards looked at each other, and another couple of elves stopped to see, or hear, what was so strange.
[Did you ever acquire any in the game?]
"Tshh, ye be trippin G. We-sa pull'da tourni style. I gots it made in da shade fool." Courtney scoffed at her and smirked.
[Yeah, of course! I have nearly all of them, and since we play tournament style we use actual rings that we purchased from the Hobby Shop.]
"You pullin me yo?" Sam grinned.
[You have any with you, or are you kidding with me?]
"Yo, I gots'da shiiit here fool. Da trio shineez oh dat cat Mytsra, da cleo crack-o Athena yo, and da Urza dawg's blue bell!" Courtney listed off her rings. The elves outside the door were all horribly confused and some were trying to repeat the strange phrases with little luck.
[I have some of my favorites, the Third Ring of Mytsra, the Armlet of Athena, and the Blue Star of Urza with me today.]
"Wassup with dat shit?" Sam leaned back, and spotted the group of elves gathered at the window out of the corner of her eye.
[What can they do?]
"Lesse, da Mystra is the heezy fo cheesy, it pulls some serious Darth Vader action yo. Athena's bling got some serious shiiznat, give yall da stupid-mad-skilz oh da Mary's now. Urza dawg's earns some mad Props a' tossin da Tsunami's round dude." Courtney took a deep breath and rubbed her jaw. She was not used to talking like that for extended periods of time.
[Let me think for a moment. Ah yes, the Third Ring of Mystra is really powerful; it gives its user the ability to move things with their mind. Athena's Armlet is nice because it gives the user a multitude of abilities, much like the bad Mary-Sue's of fanfiction. Lastly the Blue Star of Urza is rather scary because it can control water, causing storms and huge waves that sweep across the land.]
"Sweet." Sam nodded, and the elves outside were rather astounded by the strange language of the girls.
[That sounds rather useful. May I see them first hand?]
"Was up wit dat?" Courtney shot her a strange look.
[What do you mean 'first hand?']
"Nothin Nothin, yo fork 'tall over nyer or we be jackin em." Sam grinned at her.
[I have an idea; just let me see them for a moment. So I can try out my idea before the 'elves' figure out what we are doing…if they ever do.]
"So yall. Monkey dose, its yo ass on a silver plater." Courtney took off a ring and a bracelet on her right hand and a ring on her left. She handed them to Sam who examined them carefully. The elves outside seemed horribly interested in their little conversation now, even though they didn't understand at all how dinnerware and animals related to jewelry.
[Alright, but if you mess those up I'm going to beat you senseless.]
"Dese are off the hook biznach." Sam held them out and examined them.
[These are nice; they will work perfectly for my plan! Huzzah Courtney!]
"What chu gotz rippin thru dat stupid-fine nest o yuuse?" Courtney took back the Third Ring of Mystra, her favorite, and slipped it on.
[What exactly is this plan of yours?]
"You seen deez peepz? Day-sa really on this L.o.t.r. scene yeah?" Sam examined the gorgeous ring and bracelet.
[These people really seem to enjoy Lord of The Rings, don't they?]
"True dat, True dat." Courtney blinked.
[Indeed they do.]
"By yall I seez us slippin them up yo, we be flippin a drama scene." Sam put the Blue Star of Urza on and smiled.
[They seem to believe in the Magic and everything, so I believe we can trick them with these 'Rings of Power' from Dungeons and Dragons. Perhaps after our acting we can escape and get home with no police record.]
"Dude!" Courtney leapt up and made a hand gesture, most commonly referred to as 'hang ten.'
[That is ingenious, we can try it later when someone comes to question or feed us!]
"Dude!" Sam leapt up and made the same hand motion.
[I know my plan is brilliant in every aspect, although should we fail to instill the proper amount of fear they will most likely shoot us where we stand and leave little question of how a second escape attempt is to be brought about.]
[Attention!]
[Any attempt to re-read and fully understand the Slang used in the previous conversation should be abstained from, especially considering the fact that the authors themselves didn't really have a full grasp on it. I repeat, the previous was a joke and any further 'Slang Code' shall be followed with subtitles. Do not attempt to decipher the slang, unless you are a) a linguist, b) a delinquent, or c) a 'gangsta bitch-yo.']
[If you are suffering from a headache, delusions, nausea, light-headed-ness, fainting, or the urge to go out and 'chill with your home- dawgs' please take this opportunity to get up, go to the restroom, get a snack, and possibly call the paramedics.]
"Man, it is hard to talk like that for too long," Courtney rubbed her jaw and sat back down.
"Seriously," Sam rubbed the side of her head. "I have a horrible headache already." The elves gathered around the door began to break up slowly, and Sam decided to hurry them on. "Alright, show's over boys!" She clapped her hands and made shooing motions towards the door.
"So, Courtney, do we need to chant anything to get them to work?" Sam said without any slang. She figured that the conversation before had confused the elves enough that they didn't really have to speak in code anymore.
"Only for Athena's Armlet. The other's kind of work when you tell them to." Courtney shrugged and recalled her D&D matches.
"Just for good measure what are the words for the armlet then?" Sam blinked and stared at Courtney.
"Well you say what you want it to do while you put it on. It only works once a day though." Courtney shrugged and polished her ring.
"Right, that will be useful knowledge in the future." Sam snickered and began waving her arms around. "Voodoo and witches too, Cows go moo and Calamazoo!"
"I may only be a Ranger, but I'm sure they prefer the term Mage." Courtney snickered and stretched her arms.
"Pardon me. Voodoo and Mages too, Cows go moo and Calamazoo." Sam repeated her fake incantation in a stuffy voice.
"Much better!" Courtney chimed and fell back laughing. She sat up rather abruptly and held out both of her hands, palms facing towards Sam. Sam laughed, and sat down in front of Courtney.
"Voo-doo and Mages too-." They chanted in unison as they played a more complex and faster version of patty-cake. "Cows-go-moo and Cala-ma-zoo!" They laughed and continued playing it while chanting many other things. All of the elves had moved away from the window, but one of the guards leaned over and took a look in. He watched them play their hand clapping game and thought for a moment that it looked rather interesting.
[/fic]
[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]
Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the secondary recap fun?
Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.
Donate reviews to prevent B from actually reading this fic. Those who read and review will not be fed to my faithful Mini-Balrog (courtesy of Miss Cam), Gandulf.
C: Those who do not review will be mauled and then flee into the arms of Celeborn for comfort.
D: Celeborn's going to have his hands full.
A: Indeed, hopefully Galadriel won't find out. *coughs and goes off to attend Galadriel's class at OFUM*
[review= "?"]