Disclaimer: So, how many of us own Lord Of The Rings? *Peter Jackson, Christopher Tolkien, and a few lawyers from Time Warner raise their hands.*
Is my hand up, no.
Author's Notes: A: Welcome back to the next installment of Pure Insanity formerly known as [/sanity].
C: I've been meaning to ask you something.
A: Shoot.
C: How can they be Welcomed back to the chapter they've never read?
A: … I've no idea.
B: You realize now that I've read this we have to do a collab, right?
Authors/Readers: Valar help us all.
Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 6): Well, like all teenage girls in the face of really weird shit Sam and Courtney refused to fully accept that hey they were in Middle Earth. Amy called up Sam on the Portable Instant Messenger© and after the curses of the peppy goth, Amy determined that something very strange was going on with her G.P.S program. Legolas is still horribly confused.
A: Do you think he expected 'Stay Here' to work?
C: Probably about as much as cops expect 'Freeze' to work.
(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 6): Jedi Sam stands up both Legolas and Haldir and is instead escorted to the Festival by, you guessed it, Gimli Son of Gloin. Haldir joins Boromir in the 'We're Dead and Loving it!' Club, Legolas runs to Aragorn for comfort [insert slash here], and both Elledan and Elrohir kidnap Courtney to keep her from their amorous father. Galadriel asks her magic mirror who is the fairest of them all, it replies Luthien pauses as it realized she was dead, then Mary-Sue but the PPC just killed her off, then finally replies Jedi Lady Samantha. Galadriel tricks Glorfindel into helping her with her 'poisoned apple' strategy while her husband goes forth to conquer the Shire.
[/ sanity]
[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "7" evil= "Powers.that.be" default= "Lord.Of.The.Rings" "?"]
[Inspiration= "Excel.Saga"]
Ah, now see we know what you're thinking. What Luck! Unfortunately, the 'Powers That Be' were still paying attention.
The two were making a mad dash for the forest, and the sounds of fighting seemed to get farther away, but things are not always as they seem. Sam looked over her shoulder to make sure they weren't being followed, but as 'luck' would have it that was the exact moment she plowed into an Elf. Sam stumbled backwards, and held out her sword. The elf she had plowed into drew his bow the moment he saw the blade.
"You!" The elf yelled. Sam blinked, and cringed. The reason the elf hadn't seen her was this particular elf was the one she had nailed in the head with her staff. "How did you escape?" The elf demanded and held his bow up.
"You people left the doors open!" Sam yelled back and held her sword up higher. "What are you all doing out here?" Sam growled.
"That is none of your concern!" The elf narrowed his eyes at Sam. The two were locked like that for a while until they heard Courtney scream.
"Yes, yes! That's all good and well, but what do you think we should like-do about that!?" Courtney backed up next to Sam and the Elf. They both turned and spotted one of the lovable 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders.'
"Ai! Blast you woman!" The elf yelled at Sam, and shot his last arrow into the spider. His aim, however, left much to be desired. He put away his bow and swiftly drew out a pair of long knives.
"Yeah, yeah! Just get out of my way!" Sam yelled, and lunged at the spider in a move that would be later described by Courtney as an 'Utena Classic!' Sam slashed at the spider, and cut off four of its legs. She marveled at her own 'mad-skills' for a moment and the spider spewed some of its sticky web substance at her. The elf quickly shoved her down and out of the way of the web. He dove forward and stabbed the spider through one of its eyes. It screamed and fell dead only a moment later.
"How you managed to defeat Legolas is beyond me." The elf pulled at his dagger, it seemed it was stuck.
"It's called a tazer happy boy." Sam grumbled and held her stomach as she stood up. "Let me do it, ya pansy." Sam grumbled, and shoved the elf out of the way. She grabbed the dagger and with one rather brutal twist she wrenched it from the spider's skull, taking one of the eyes with it. She handed it to the elf and rolled her eyes.
"I think I'm going to like-be sick…" Courtney covered her nose and mouth with a hand and looked away from the dead spider.
"Then you may wish to return to your cell." The elf replied with a scoff as he pulled the spider's eye off his knife.
"No dice." Sam glared at him, and turned and stared to walk off in the direction they had been going before.
"Though my telling you would give you a good chance of survival, and thusly make my life considerably more miserable, there are about five hundred of those giant spiders up ahead." The elf yelled at her rather nonchalantly.
"That would explain where all the guards went." Courtney blinked, and Sam stopped.
"Five hundred?" Sam blinked. "Good god! Why isn't animal control or the C.D.C out here yet!?"
"I think the C.D.C only does like-epidemics of sickness Sam." Courtney said and the Elf stared at them.
"If you insist on going down that path, I have not the time to stop you." The elf began running back towards the halls to retrieve more arrows for the fight. Sam ignored his warning and kept walking, but Courtney quickly caught her arm.
"Hey? Didn't you hear him? Five Hundred SPIDERS!" Courtney looked at Sam wide-eyed and rather afraid.
"He had to be bluffing!" Sam smirked. "If there really were five hundred of these don't you think they would have called in the Army or something?"
"Oh, yeah." Courtney stuck out her tongue and followed Sam towards the alleged 'fighting.'
As they ran they heard the shouting and yells of at least a hundred people. They decided that they were going to go around the perimeter of the fighting, to avoid being noticed and recaptured. They managed to make it around all the loud noises, and across the Elvish Path. They snuck out into the dark woods, and their pace slowed significantly. Everything was so dark they could barely see more than five feet in front of themselves. The stopped when they heard sounds of movement coming from behind them. They leapt behind a tree and stood back to back.
"What are we going to do? What was that!" Courtney whispered harshly to Sam.
"It was either the spiders, or the 'elves.'" Sam whispered, and leaned back. "Here's the plan…" Sam whispered and became quiet enough that only Courtney could hear the full plan. The two stood frozen in place, and didn't hear any noise for nearly five minutes.
"Uh… Sammy." Courtney said shakily.
"Yeah?" Sam was too busy looking around for their assailants to notice her friend's tone of voice.
"Could you, stop breathing on my shoulder…" Courtney asked.
"But I'm not breathing on your shoulder." Sam blinked, and turned her head to look over her shoulder at Courtney.
"I was afraid you were going to say that…" Courtney whimpered and gulped as she looked up. She yelped and pulled away from Sam as she saw the giant gaping maw of the hundred and ten pound spider hanging directly above them. Sam jumped back and stared at the huge spider. It scrambled down the tree onto the ground between the two girls and hissed. "Oh…monkey…" Courtney gulped and held the flagpole like a baseball bat.
"Courtney…you might not want to swing that…" Sam gulped, but Courtney didn't listen. She swung the flag at the spider, and it spewed its web substance at her. The web hit the flag, knocking it out of her hands and onto the ground. Courtney 'yipped' and backed up, and as she backed up she tripped over a rock, causing her to fall flat on her butt. She looked around for a weapon as the spider began to advance on her, then she did the most insanely brave, or stupid thing anyone has ever done.
"Back off you, or you'll get a taste of Mystra's Third Ring of Power!" Courtney said in her bravest voice. The spider paused for a moment and Courtney held her hand out in a fist, point the ring at the spider. Sam stared at her like she was insane, and jumped at the spider with her sword. The spider backed up a bit, and jumped forward with the intent of eating Courtney.
"AHHH!!" Courtney screamed, and there was a gust of wind. The spider was blown back as was Sam. There was the sound of bowstrings being drawn and released and a set of arrows shot forward. These archers were far more skilled than those Sam had seen earlier, and they did indeed mean to kill. The spider looked like a pincushion when it landed, and an arrow managed to make it's way past Sam's chain mail, skewering her through her left shoulder.
Sam yelled as she was thrown back by, and had the wind not been knocked out of her she surely would have screamed when the arrow pierced her. She didn't land on the ground like the spider though; she was carried farther back, and landed on something, or someone. Both Sam and Courtney were about to leap up and make a break for it, when a series of archers appeared around them, arrows ready and waiting for a reason to shoot either of them at point blank range.
"Sir," One of the archers looked up at his superior for orders. The archers didn't look too sure on what to do; they were expecting to find spiders, not their own prisoners out his far in the woods.
"It seems you are hard of hearing." The person under Sam grumbled. She was in no mood to be yelled at by some stupid s.o.b that just shot her in the arm.
"It seems you are going blind. Last time I checked, I wasn't a spider." Sam growled back as she rolled off him, and sat up. She took a good look at her arm, and let loose a series of extremely 'colorful phrases' under her breath. "You little son of a…" She glared up through the darkness and trailed off as she spotted Legolas standing up. Legolas wasn't what kept her from finishing, it was the fact that King Thranduil was directly behind him, and insulting his 'wife' might not make for good terms later.
"Sammy…What just happened?" Courtney asked, and stared at the elves around her, frozen in the same pose she was when the spider attacked her.
"Act of God?" Sam grumbled, and touched the tip of the arrow that was protruding through her shoulder with her index finger.
"I think my ring of power… actually worked…" Courtney said with a rather shaky voice, and Sam looked back at her. Sam was about to make a comment when all of the arrows pointed at her and Courtney got much, much closer.
"Ring of Power?" All the elves' faces got more serious, and the King looked at Courtney with an expression Sam couldn't place.
"…Uh…" Courtney trailed off as she stared at all the arrows that were only inches from her. There would have been more conversation pertaining to the ring of Courtney's, but they were interrupted by about fifty huge angry spiders that dropped out of the trees and surrounded the group. Courtney, of course, cowered against the tree, and held her ring out like it was a spider ward. Sam, being the rather angry violent jock that she was, held up her sword in her right hand, and stood up rather shakily (testing the limits of 'colorful phrases' the whole time). These archers weren't trainees like the first two she had met. They possessed supreme N.R.A style skills, however they were running quite low on arrows.
The archers were putting the spiders to shame, not that the spiders were unimpressive but the archers were much better. It seemed like they didn't even need to see the spider to shoot it, and kill it. Unfortunately it took nearly four arrows, from even the most skilled of archers, to kill one spider. They ran out rather quickly and drew knives or alternative weapons to fend off the remaining spiders. There were still around thirty spiders when the archers were forced into hand-to-hand combat.
"Stay behind me." Legolas said over his shoulder to Sam as he cut a spider to shreds with his knives.
"Do I look helpless to you!?" Sam yelled at him and he turned around. His response was cut off as he ducked to avoid getting his head sliced off by Sam's sword.
"Are you mad!" Legolas stated more than asked. Sam smirked, and pulled her sword back. The spider that had been climbing down the tree next to them fell down in two pieces.
"Pansy." Sam said as she jogged past him to check on Courtney.
"Stay ba-ack!" Courtney had her eyes closed tightly and was waving her fist with the ring around like a mad woman.
"Oh shut up!" Sam knelt down beside her, and kicked her lightly.
"Sammy! Are they gone?" Courtney opened her eyes and looked around, she screamed as one of the spiders jumped past her and two archers began fighting with it.
"Courtney, listen to me," Sam leaned over towards her. "Something about this isn't right."
"Yeah! Tell me about it!" Courtney held up her hand with the ring on it and looked at Sam. "When that spider was jumping at me I wished it would just 'breeze off' and then…" Courtney was cut off as Sam smiled at her.
"Do you think the ring actually worked?" Sam blinked, and Courtney nodded. "Then that would mean that we could actually be…" Sam trailed off, as she looked around at all the Elves fighting with the spiders.
"In Middle-Earth." They both said at the same time and looked at each other.
"It would explain a whole lot…" Sam blinked, and Courtney looked down at her ring.
"Does that mean, we actually just escaped the halls of the Elves in favor of Mirkwood?" Courtney stared at Sam, and they both mentally kicked themselves.
"But wait-." Sam slashed at a spider that was approaching them. "I read fanfiction!" She stabbed it, and it leapt back. "Shouldn't we have appeared in like-," She leaned to the side to avoid a throwing knife to the head. "- Rivendell, or somewhere happy?" Sam growled and leaned forward as she cut the head off the spider she had been fighting with while she spoke.
"What? You think we're Mary-Sues?" Courtney glared at Sam. "And don't be stupid! This isn't fanfiction, it's real life!" Courtney growled, and screamed as a piece of spider brushed her leg.
And the 'Powers That Be' in conjunction with the 'Author' snickered.
"Fanfiction or not, this sucks royally!" Sam used her sword to help keep her balance. Her stomach was and shoulder were hurting like there was no tomorrow, Courtney was about to faint because of all the spiders, and all the yelling didn't help either of them. The archers were slowly killing off the spiders, when there were only five or so left the spiders fled. A few pairs of elves ran off into the forest after the spiders, and the remaining elves began to gather up what arrows they could.
[/fic]
[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]
Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive our deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the secondary recap fun? If anyone would actually be willing to donate pieces of sappily written, horribly mis-timed, and all around Soap-Opera-ish pieces of the secondary recap we would be ecstatic to post them under this story when we need a break. Not to mention the bonus/curse of becoming a temporary Psycho Sue/Sam.
Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.
A: Well, it seems we'll be working on a collab together.
C: I wonder what of. Perhaps B should decide.
B: Excellent… *drums fingers in Mr. Burns-ish style*
A/C: Perhaps not.
Gandulf: Groooowl.
[Review or else the cold plain of eternity shall swallow you and your soul into impenetrable darkness. Have a nice Day.]
A: Subtitles provided by Amy.
[review= "?"]