Disclaimer: If you haven't read this by now, you never will. I own Lord of The Rings, I own Excel Saga, I am Napoleon Bonaparte. Dismissed.
Author's Notes:
A: Well, well. It seems we actually have readers.
C: I know ain't it the damnedest thing?
B: Must read more…
A: [to C] Should we tell her we already have at least three more chapters worth written?
C: [to A] Should we go show that disclaimer to some Lawyers?
A: Point.
Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 7): It seems that the completely obvious and utterly undeniable truth has finally become apparent to Sam and Courtney. Yes, you got it, they are in Middle Earth. Mirkwood to be exact. Well, as an added bonus it seems that the D&D rings (purchased at Joe's Hobby Shop™: 'Where we welcome the average Joe.') appear to have gained actual power, fun.
(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 7): Jedi Lady Samantha, while dancing with Gimli, Son of Gloin, is shot at by the nazgul (for no apparent reason) and is saved by the amazing Silveria Starlightwen, Princess of MoonPlains (© Miss Cam.). Silveria defeats all the Nazgul on her own and began hitting on a rather heartbroken Legolas. Galadriel gives Samantha the poisoned apple and Sam falls into a death like sleep (formerly known as a chloroform induced nap) but Glorfindel feels terribly guilty about the plan. Sith Dark Lord Celeborn discovers that though the PuuChuu are valiant (and adorable) warriors, the Shire wasn't really that militarily important, so he went home. Elladan and Elrohir begin fighting to the death, over Courtney, on a thin ledge, below which is the fires of Mt. Doom.
A: Silveria Starlightwen, Princess of the MoonPlains, belongs to Miss Cam (a.k.a. Camilla Sandman). If you haven't already (or even if you have!) Go read her stories 'The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth' and 'Once More Into the Urple Depths of OFUM.'
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[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "7" evil= "Still.Powers.That.Be" default= "Lord.Of.The.Rings" "?"]
[Inspiration= "Excel.Saga"]
"That was the last set that fled," One of the elves reported to Legolas. Legolas nodded to him, and walked over to the tree behind Sam and Courtney to retrieve one of his knives.
"So you're the irresponsible oaf who threw that knife." Sam replied as Legolas pulled his knife out of the tree.
"You do realize, dear lady, that coming out here was wholly your idea." Legolas shot her a look as he put his knife away.
"Yes, well we wouldn't have had that problem had you kept your word." Sam shot him an icy glare, and Courtney blinked. "Tch. I give you my word." Sam mocked him in a high stuffy voice, and Legolas frowned at her.
"I had every intention of aiding you to leave, however my Father was less than happy with the idea of helping the intruders." Legolas replied.
"Hey, wait a minute." Courtney blinked and poked Sam's right shoulder. Sam looked at her. "If we're actually in Middle-Earth… doesn't that mean he's the real Legolas, and that guy is the real Thranduil?" Sam stared at her, and watched as Legolas went to have a conversation with his father.
"Oh man," Sam had a look of awe on her face. "That means that these are actually the Mirkwood Archers…" Sam looked around at the elves, and smiled.
"And he was the elf in the Fellowship…" Courtney stared at Legolas and then looked at the other too.
"Woah! Wait just a moment there." Sam looked at Courtney. "Are you trying to tell me that Legolas Greenleaf, the only Elf to befriend Gimli, member of the Fellowship of the Ring, is right there?" Courtney nodded a little. "Damn, he's a lot snippier in person."
"Are you sure it isn't just you?" Courtney smirked. "I have to go ask him about Frodo and the Ring!" Courtney was about to get up when Sam grabbed her shoulder.
"Wait! I've read fanfiction like this…" Sam stood up, leaving her sword on the ground. "Maybe we're before the War of the Ring… Maybe we're before the Hobbit even!" Courtney looked at her.
"Oh my god, that means we can't disrupt the storyline!" Courtney gasped and looked around like she was about to stumble into Sauron or something equally absurd. (…Like the Ninjas? …Okay… not funny.) A few of the archers were quietly conversing over the strange behavior of the two.
"Personally I couldn't care less, but could you do me a tinsy favor?" Sam asked through clenched teeth.
"Sure, shoot." Courtney blinked at her.
"GET THE ARROW OUT OF MY SHOULDER!" Sam yelled and tried not to burst out crying in front of the elves, or pass out. Courtney and a few of the elves jumped a little and stared at Sam. "Please- Courtney dear, like-now!" Sam growled and Courtney quickly nodded.
"Right, this is going to hurt like a monkey so…like-don't hurt me later." Courtney grabbed the pointed end of the arrow, and pulled it through. Sam squeaked out part of a scream, and then started up, quietly, with her 'colorful phrases.' Some of what she said would have made sailors blush, and by the time Courtney had removed the arrow she had gained a whole new respect for the world of slang. "You should really bandage that…" Courtney said as she looked at the hole through Sam's shoulder.
"Hey, I thought you were the one who took a class on field dressing!" Sam growled at Courtney and held her shoulder that was now bleeding rather profusely. "Woah…little light-headed…" Sam shook her head and Courtney leaned over.
"I was absent that day… Oh dang…" Courtney looked like she was about to faint from the amount of blood so she barely noticed the couple of elves and Legolas that made their way over to help Sam. Sam was about to curse and shove the elves off, insisting that she could do it herself but Courtney was nice enough to punch her hard enough in the right shoulder to shut her up. Sam looked ready to knock Courtney out for that last punch, but her arm hurt too much, and she didn't really have time as the elves surrounded her.
"It looks like there aren't any pieces of the arrow left," One of the elves examined the hole in her shoulder from behind, and the others nodded.
"It doesn't look like it's going to stop bleeding soon," Another elf commented and the other two nodded.
"Then it seems we must bandage it for now, and attend to the details back at the Palace." Legolas looked down at Sam's shoulder, and sighed as he gave his diagnosis.
"Tis merely a flesh wound!" Sam growled, and tried to keep her cool. Sam was, most definitely, not a girl who liked people pampering her. The elves ignored her, and Courtney snickered.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Elderberries." Courtney said under her breath rather quietly. Sam cracked a smile as the elves began talking about her wound in their own language. The remainder of the archers began heading back towards the hall, along with Thranduil. Finally the only people left out there were a few of the elves, Sam, and Courtney.
"What are you doing!?" Sam shrieked as one of the random elves lifted her up, looking like he was about to take her over the 'threshold' as it were.
"I am carrying you back, so you do not over-exert yourself lady." The elf answered her rather bluntly, but had a confused look on his face.
"Oh no you aren't!" Sam struggled against him and tried to get him to drop her. "Your buddy shot me through the arm pal! Not the leg!" The elf looked increasingly confused and his friends sent him the same look. "And to make matters worse, you'll toss me back in that cell when we get back!" Sam was beyond ticked; she hated it when people treated her like a 'girl.' She preferred the 'jock' stereotype much more, and the 'crazy-psycho-bitch' even more so than the 'jock.'
"But you need medical treatment," The elf argued, and stared at the rather angry Sam.
"You would rather fall ill and die out in the wiles of Mirkwood?" The other random elf that was known for his grim humor spoke up. Sam shot him an icy glare that screamed 'try-me.'
"I'll handle this." Courtney interrupted the elves as they began to talk over what was to be done. She walked up to Sam, smiled cheerfully, and to the surprise of everyone, pinched her injured shoulder.
"OOW! Fuck you man! Fuck you!" Sam cursed loudly, and tried to claw at Courtney. Courtney jumped back, and looked a little afraid as the elf struggled to hold the irate woman. The elves shared a series of shocked looks, and both of them suddenly became very doubtful that either of these 'ladies' were good company to keep. "I am going to rip you a new one! Get over here!" Sam growled, and Courtney hid behind the grim elf.
"Now how would that feel infected?" Courtney yelled, and Sam glared at what little of her she could see.
"Fine!" Sam grumped, and stopped struggling against the elf. "But if any of you ever try to carry me, and my legs haven't been brutally ripped from my body, I'll kill you I swear it!" The elf carrying her became slightly worried, but didn't show it on his face. Instead, he stared walking and was quickly followed by the other elf, Courtney, and Legolas.
The elves managed to
arrive back at the Royal halls of Mirkwood without any more 'bothersome'
events occurring. Sam wore a scowl
upon her face that said 'I want to rip you apart' to anyone that came
within a few steps of her. Courtney
hopped along with a peppy grin. Legolas
just shook his head at the unladylike behavior of the one referred to as 'Sam,'
who would have ever thought that a damsel with such gentle features would turn
out to be an orc on the inside.
The elf carrying Sam slowly
put her down when they reached the infirmary.
Sam slowly turned around to face the elf, a look black as thunder (which
is ironic considering thunder has no color…) creased her features. The poor elf backed away having never seen a
female so...vexed let alone having such a wild look in their eyes. Sam slowly stalked him into a wall while
holding her injured shoulder. "If you EVER, ...EVER pick me up... next time
I'll rip those legs out of their sockets so you will never be able to again…GOT
ME?!" Nodding vigorously, the auburn haired elf dashed out of the room as if
those 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders' were after him.
Courtney laughed nervously and
moved around Sammy so that they were facing each other. "Like- you didn't have
to like be so frikkin mean to him," Sam glared ice at her friend but did not
say anything.
A strange pale haired elven
woman appeared in the doorway, she stood regally watching the girls. Her honey blond hair was braided, with red
ribbon intertwined in the crevices.
Courtney looked up and was started to see such a pretty 'middle' aged
woman come into the health quarters, but she soon learned why. It turns out that the shouting and the
commotion created by the mouth of 'Sam' caught the noble 'middle'
aged lady's attention.
Starring at the strange girls
the lady bowed slowly, wisps of honey blond hair fell loosely against her ivory
face. "What is all the commotion
about?" She inquired curiously as she stared at the malicious looking Sammy and
her peppy looking friend. Taking a few
steps forward Sammy winced and held a hand to her punctured shoulder.
She scowled at the lady "And you are...?"
Legolas scowled at Sam rather distastefully from his
place against a wall at the far side of the room.
With a little smile the lady
walked up to Sam and placed a hand over the one Sam had at her shoulder. "Why dear... you should not be up, for you
are injured, rest now and let us talk later." Sam's eyes widened then turned
down to the hand placed over her own, and she suddenly frowned. She smacked it away with a huff.
"Shove it elf-y... I don't need any help I'm just fine! This is merely
a little scratch. I've had much worse."
She boasted with a smirk.
"No you 'avne't!" Courtney coughed under her breath.
Tossing her hair back,
Courtney put a hand to her chest at the mere mention of the word 'scratch.' Her nails could not afford it and neither
could her unscarred body. Shaking her
head, the blond teenager stepped back a few steps while still starring at Sam. The Elvish lady, by now, had somehow gotten
the 'girl-on-steroids' onto the fluffily cushioned bed and was now
tending to her wound. Legolas just
sighed; he did not know what he was going to do with the two troublesome ones
after this.
Grimacing, the fair-haired elf
wondered even more to himself. What
would his father do? Are these two girls dangerous enough to be thrown back
into the dungeon...? Well… those questions would be answered soon enough.
"Ow!" Sam yelled, and caught everyone's attention.
"Oh my, have I hurt you?" The elven woman sat up and looked rather surprised.
"No, you didn't…" Sam growled, and looked down the bed at Courtney. "Damn it! Stop poking me with your nail file!"
"Must you always ruin my fun?" Courtney whined and stopped poking Sam's ankle.
"Only when it involves you injuring me." Sam replied in a sweet voice,
though it lost some of its effect because of her irritated undertone.
"Spoil-sport," Courtney grumped and began filing her nails.
"Please sit still for a moment," The elven lady wrapped a bandage rather tightly around Sam's shoulder, and stood up. "There, I have stopped the bleeding and hopefully it will not get infected. But try to refrain from excessive movement lest it get far worse." The elven lady smiled down at Sam. "You are quite lucky it didn't hit any large blood vessels or bones."
"Yeah… lucky indeed." Sam grumbled, and looked down at her shoulder. "Looks to me like your archers need more practice." Sam smirked at Legolas. "They couldn't even manage to kill me!" Legolas shot her a strange look, and Courtney snickered.
"We will have to try harder next time." Legolas smiled, and finally caught the joke. Courtney broke into audible giggles and then quickly restricted herself to a wide smile. "This seems to be the perfect time for me to ask a few questions, seeing as 'Sam' is rather restricted." Both the girls blinked, and Legolas leaned back on the wall. "First of all, where might you two hail from?"
[/fic]
[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7" lawsuits= "Adding"]
Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive our deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the secondary recap fun? If anyone would actually be willing to write and donate pieces of sappily written, horribly mis-timed, and all around Soap-Opera-ish pieces of the secondary recap we would be ecstatic to post them under this story when we need a break. Not to mention the bonus/curse of becoming a temporary Psycho Sue/Sam.
Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite… well C does, and I do if you look yummy enough.
A: Yes, what we said above was true.
C: Indeed we do have quite a bit written.
A: But you see, it takes us a while to divide it up and put in the A/N, Secondary Recaps, and Disclaimer.
B: Must read more…
Gandulf: Groooowl.
[Oh Monkey.]
[review= "?"]