Buffy woke slowly, smiling. Mmmm... They had made up for lost time.
And, if she said so herself, there was a LOT of time to be made up on.
Like Spike. On her. Sprawled ungracefully on top of her, one hand tangled
in her hair, the other loosely entwined in hers. She gave a smiling sigh,
burying her nose in the crook of his neck. Started to kiss gently at it.
She had missed this, desperately. As much as Spike was obvious about
loving the cuddling, she wasn't as overt, but just as addicted. It was
different now. Softer, harder, more intense, more spectacular.
Considered. Guessed she hadn't missed this since she hadn't experienced it
with him before. But now? She'd miss it, if it went away. But by the
sounds he was starting to make, there was no danger of that.
The vampire purred in his almost-sleep, one eye opening to glance down at her. The hand that was in her hair began stroking almost absently. He made a sound that was halfway between a yawn and a growl. Then, "Mornin', luv."
Nipped at the curve of his shoulder. "Morning."
He glanced around, a little disoriented. "Where.. Oh." Chuckled softly, continuing to purr from deep within his chest. "I'm guessin' you're in a good mood."
Slow grin, a stretch from beneath him. "You could say that. You?"
Pretended to consider. "Oh, I guess so. Tired, but good, you know?" Moved slightly off her, to pull her up against him and wrap an arm around her.
Nuzzled her shoulders against his chest. "Good sleep?"
Chuckled. "For the time that I was *actually* asleep, yes."
Almost blush. "Yeah. Me, too." She looked at his hands, folded over her stomach. Her own slid over them, holding them tightly to herself. He wasn't leaving.
He almost seemed to read her mind. Either that, or her tense muscles, and the fact that she seemed to be attempting to break his hands. "Easy, luv. I'm not goin' anywhere. I'll stay here all day, if you want to." Nuzzled the back of her neck, kissing it softly, lovingly.
Her stomach folded into the best kinds of knots, and her hands loosened over his. Stroked up his arms as far as was comfortable. Titled her head to give him better access.
He purred as he nuzzled and kissed at her neck. Made his way up to beneath her ear, nibbling sofly.
She turned her head, one hand lifting to the side of his face. She kissed him.
He returned the kiss, gently teasing her lips apart and letting his tongue duel playfully with hers. Sighed happily into her mouth.
She turned to face him, never breaking the kiss. One hand trailed down his ribs, her lips smiling against his.
Pushed reflexivly against her hand, as he always did, loving every touch, every sensation. His purring got louder. Pulled back slightly to rest their foreheads together, the vampiric gesture of affection.
She absorbed it, her eyes closed to maximize sensations. Touched her mouth to his again. "Want you," she mumbled.
He chuckled softly. "Do you *ever* get tired, Slayer?" Well, it wasn't 'I love you', but it would do for now.
Smiled impishly at him, snaked her hands over him quickly. "Not when it's you." Low, full of promise.
He smiled back. "Well. Farbeit for me to refuse the request of a lady."
============================================================================ =============
She sat up. "I really gotta go."
Spike sighed. Well. He should've known it would come to this. She's running off and-
"I mean... I told Dawn we'd go shopping at that mall we passed, and it's already noon..."
Oh. Way to jump to conclusions, William. He sat up, cocked his head at her. "You're sure you can't stay awhile longer, luv? I'm gonna get lonely." Puppy dog eyes, and one of his patented half grins.
Sighed, planted one hand on his chest. "Spike... We've done this for an hour. I can't live in your bed." Hmm... Intruguing prospect, that...
He chuckled, and brought his hands up to caress hers gently. "I know. I know. Go on. Go have a family day. I suppose I can catch up on my sleep." Raised her hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles gently.
Melted at the sweet gesture. Stammered as she changed back into her clothes, stopping at the door, saying almost bashfully, "Bye." Left quickly.
He chuckled and went to lock the door, not bothering with clothes. Then went back to bed. Yawned. Reeeaaalllyy needed to sleep now.
============================================================================ =============
Buffy dropped Dawn at her own hotel room, laden with bags and smiling. She continued on to her own room, the smile slipping from her weary face, carrying her own bags.
Spike snarled at the soda machine. Unlike the snack machine, which he had figured out, this stupid piece of crap didn't respect him. It ate his change, and a dollar bill, and then it STILL wouldn't give him a coke. He was just about to pick the whole machine up and shake it hard, when he noticed Buffy. Forgot about the machine in favor of offering to help her with her bags. "Hey, luv. Hard day's shoppin'?"
Forced smile. "Gotta love spending money." Dumped a few bags on him to dig out her key.
He shifted his sudden load (what had she bought, anyway? A tank?), and cocked his head at her. "Somethin' botherin' you, Slayer? Can I do anything?"
Big smile, swiped her key through the lock. "No. The shoes will cheer me up." Walked in, invited him in, and started rooting through the bag, lifted up a strappy, impractically high heeled black stilhetto. "See?"
He grinned a little. "You're gonna fall right off of those, luv. Slayer balance or no Slayer balance."
Snorted at him. "Whatever. It came with a dress." Innocent smile. REALLY IT DID!
"Uh-huh. Yeah. I believe you." Suggestive grin. "Care to model said dress? Or nothing?"
Rolled her eyes. "Shoo, perverted male. I have gloating to do over my purchases."
He sat in a chair. "I want to stay. The moment I go out this door, I'm totalling a coke machine."
Sighed. "What? Haven't mastered that one yet?"
Pouted. "I hate that machine." Defensively. "I'll get it. It just takes time, s'all."
Small laugh. "Yeah yeah..."
There was something bothering her. Something, and he couldn't quite figure out what. "Did you and Bit have a fight, luv?"
Looked at him, a confused frown lining her face. "No." Concerned look. "Are YOU ok?"
He couldn't hide the smile at that. She cared. He didn't think he'd ever stop finding that amazing. "I'm fine, Buffy. Really. Just worried about you. You look like somethin's on your mind."
Sighed, sat heavily on the bed. "Well..."
He got up, and moved to squat in front of her, to be at her eye level. "Yeah? I'm listenin', luv."
A small smile turned the corners of her mouth. "I've been thinking. And I have absolutely nowhere to wear my new dress."
He grinned. "Really? Hmm. Wonder if I can help you with that."
Coy shrug. "I dunno."
"I seem to remember a club that we passed earlier... And I *might* be able to secure some transportation. That is, if I can find someone to go with.." Playfully confused grin. "Now, whoever can I ask? Maybe Dawn'd want to-"
Light smack to the side of the head, intense frown in his direction. "Dress matches the strappy sexy shoes."
He laughed quietly. "So, I guess you want to go, huh?" His eyes twinkled. "Like, on a date? Dinner, dancing, that sort of thing?"
Pretended to consider. "Well... I mean... I guess so..."
Stood up, and turned his back on her. "Well, if you aren't certain, I'm just gonna go beat the crap out of a coke machine." Made to go toward the door.
"Well... You talked me into it."
He turned and grinned at her. "Good." Sat in a chair. "I'll just wait 'till you're ready. Feel free to change right where you are." Grin, and a raised eyebrow.
Gave him a raised eyebrow of her own. "Yeeeee-ah... If I'm wearing what I THINK I'm wearing, and I AM, there is no way that you're going in that."
He glanced down at his black tee shirt and jeans. "Oh." Got up. "Good point. I'll be right back." Muttered, "What the hell do I have, anyway? Maybe the-" Door shut.
Laughed and started going through her bags. Where was that dress??
============================================================================ ==============
Ten minutes later, Spike knocked on the door to Buffy's room. Black jeans, his good boots, red silk buttoned shirt, and his trademark duster, freshly cleaned. Ran his fingers through his hair. It was times like these that he missed his reflection.
She swung open the door to look at him questioningly. It was a red dress, cut only to one shoulder, and the hem cut off at the same angle in a slight ruffle, from mid-shin to mid-thigh. It was a rich-blood red color, and the black stihettos set off, well, everything nicely. So did the red lipstick, smoky eyes, and tousled hair.
However, the Mouth Hanging Open look wasn't exactly as flattering on Spike. "Holy.. Buffy.."
Her eyes raked over him, and a slow female smile took her lips. Her eyes roved over him again, and he might as well have not been wearing the clothes. "Hey."
He straightened up a bit, smiled at her. Recovery, damn you. Recover, already! "Hey, luv. Wow. You look even more amazing than usual." Ah! A slight blush. Recovered. Good Spike.
Bit her lip with a small smile, grabbed a small black handbag. "Ready?"
Grinned by way of answer, and held out his hand. "I am if you are, luv."
She reached out tentatively, linked their hands. "Yeah."
He purred with happiness at that simple gesture. Kept their hands linked as they walked down the hall. Cloud nine. That was the term for this feeling.
She kept her footing well, and nudged her shoulder into Spike's to alert him to this. "See?"
He chuckled. "Okay, okay. I was exaggerating. You have perfect balance, luv. Not like I didn't already know that." Squeezed her hand playfully.
Superior snort. "Like I needed you to tell me that to know." Small smile.
He chuckled. This was wonderful. First official date. Nothing could make this- Oh perfect. Harris.
Xander and Dawn were walking the oposite way down the hall. Paused when they noticed Buffy and Spike. Buffy and Spike *holding hands*, none the less.
"Hey, guys," Dawn chirped, an octave above normal.
"Buffy," Xander said, not even looking at the vampire.
Fidgeted on her heels. Not smart. Almost lost her balance. "Hey, Xand."
"So," Xander said, trying not to focus on the couple's linked hands. "Where're you off to?"
"We're going out. As in on a date," Spike responded, a slight sneer in his voice. Hey! Control is one thing, letting that wanker think he had the upper hand was a totally different thing. "Problem, Harris?"
Xander glanced at the vampire for the first time. "No. *I* don't have a prob- Ow! Dawn, what are you doing?"
Bright smile. "Wow. I really gotta pee, and you have my key, and I really HATE going in my room alone, especially if there's something in there that can eat me, I mean," shied away from the vampire refrence. "Kill me. I mean kill me, and, it would be great if you would come in with me, and protect me, so..." Started to tug him behind her. "Bye, guys!"
"But.. but.." But he was yanked into the elevator at that moment.
Spike gave a quiet almost-snort. Looked at Buffy. "You alright, luv?"
Jerked to attention, gave a fiercely bright smile. "Yeah. Of course."
"Good." Internally, 'good' had become a 'yeah, right'. Gave her a bit of a grin. "I'm proud of you."
Took a deep breath between her still smiling lips. "Yeah?"
He held up their still linked hands. "You didn't let go." Smiled at her. Genuinely. "Thank you."
Gave him a smile of her own. "Of course." Discounted the fact that the reason she probably didn't was because she was too busy doing that 'deer in headlights' thing.
Time to go. Spike pushed the button, half expecting the elevator doors to open and reveal Rupert, or the Wiccas. Was relieved when it didn't. Over one hurdle tonight. But the race was just beginning.
============================================================================ ===============
It had bothered her. The 'confrontation' with Harris. Had cast a pallor over the whole evening. At dinner, they were talking, but she seemed distracted. Laughing in all the right places, but just a little off cue. Smiling too brightly. She'd relaxed a bit when they'd gotten to the club. Relaxed in his arms as they swayed to the music. But once they got back to the hotel, she was Little Miss Tense again. He gave a mental snort. He *knew* that things like this were going to happen. But still, why couldn't Harris and Dawn showed up ten minutes later? Huh? Was that too much to ask? He guessed so. And now they were at the door to her room.
Buffy smiled up at him. Bushed a kiss at the far corner of his mouth.
He gave her a smile, and then pulled her to him for a slightly longer kiss. Pulled back to look at her. "So.. what do we do now, luv? Your call."
Small, closed-mouth smile. "I'm... really beat. Shopping, and all. I had a great time, though."
Nodded. "Yeah. Me too." Opened the door for her. "I'll just.. go back to my room, then."
Nodded, then as he started to turn, the smile faded off her face to an expression of deep pain, turned to go in her room.
He caught her change of expression, turned back. "Buffy.. luv.. What's wrong? And don't even bother with the 'I'm fine' speech. I've heard it too many times to be fooled anymore."
Paused, just inside the door. God... She really couldn't do this anymore tonight. Turned with a smile. "Well, you were kinda right about the shoes. Definite pain there."
Disbelieving look. "Buffy.."
Had to get him out. Not tonight, not tonight. "Spike, I had a great time. But I'm just really so tire..." Trailed off as she attempted to shut the door.
And couldn't, because there was a foot of vampire in it. "Buffy.. Let me in, remember? Whatever's wrong, you shouldn't have to face it alone. Let me help you. Tell me what's going on."
Had to be firm. Had to be fine. Till she was alone. Then-Then... "No."
His look hardened. "Fine, Slayer. Have it your way." Withdrew his foot, and pulled the door closed from outside. Stood there, debating whether or not he should go to his room, or beat up that coke machine, or.. What was that sound? It was coming from Buffy's room. Human ears wouldn't have even registered it, but Spike's hearing was more like a dog's, than a human. He moved a little closer to the door, listening.
She had slipped to her knees behind the door, her hand sliding down it. She needed a minute to breathe before she started the intense sobbing and- damn. Too late. Skip to intense sobbing, closing eyes against the pain, and trying to heave in air.
She was crying. Shit! And he'd just let her shut him out. Some boyfriend he was. Knocked softly. "Buffy? Luv, open up. Let me help you."
She wiped at her face hastily, backing away from the door, almost scrambling.
He didn't want to break down the door, but he would. "Buffy, please. For once in your life, let someone else hold *you* up. Let me in."
She pulled herself to her feet unsteadily, unlocked the door, and swung it open, stood there before him.
Oh god.. Her make up was running with the tears, and her eyes were already swelling. He reached out, ran the backs of his fingers over her cheek gently. "Buffy... What's wrong, luv?" All his caring, all his love for her was evident in his voice. In those few, soft words.
Choked sob, wiped at her face again to pace the hotel room, hopping on one foot to tear off the heels.
She looked at them in disgust, hurled them across the room. "I went *shopping*," she ground out in a harsh sob.
He moved slowly into the room. His nose assured him that this wasn't a 'time of the month' problem, and he honestly couldn't figure out what what was wrong with her. He sat on the corner of the bed. "And that's bad?"
She was almost talking to, berating, degrading herself. "Today. Today, I choose to go *shopping*, don't even think about it. God." Pained wimper. Cried throughout. "Just... too much, there's been so much."
He didn't know what to do. Got up, slowly walked over to her. Wanted to pull her to him, to hug her and tell her that it would be alright. But he still wasn't sure exactly what was going on. Put a hand on her shoulder. "Buffy... Can I do something? What's-"
Shrugged him off harshly. "Don't- don't try to make it better. It shouldn't. It should hurt. I deserve that, ok? Let it happen!" Her stomach was clenching from crying so hard, and she welcomed it.
He was confused. And confusion made him angry. Stepped back from her with a slight growl. "Damnit, Slayer! I don't know what to do! I don't know what you want me to do, and I don't even know what the BLOODY HELL is going ON!" Spun around and paced to the door and back, growling to himself, trying to calm down. He was supposed to being SUPPORTIVE! Not abusive and growly. He really needed to work on this 'boyfriend' thing. Compared to Buffy, Dru was a picnic.
Turned, full of tearful indignance. "I wanted you to go! I wanted to be alone. I wanted this to happen away from people."
He faced her, not unlike when they'd face off for sparring. Sighed, his shoulders slumping a little. "Fine, Slayer. I'm just trying to help you. To keep you from facing your demons, be they real or personal, alone. Everyone needs someone they can talk to, you know. I was just hoping that for you, that might be me." Headed for the door. "I guess I was wrong."
She bit her lip, and watched him go.
An hour later, she stood before his door, barefoot, still wearing the dress, smeared makeup, and tousled hair of their evening together. Felt she had contained herself now. She was okay, and that meant she was ok to talk to Spike. Knocked.
"Come in?", came the call from inside. Buffy had been so upset, that it seemed to have passed to the vampire. He'd spent the entire last hour pacing, his red shirt unbuttoned and hair all curly from repeatedly running his fingers through it.
She entered the room, her hands folded.
He paused in mid step, and looked at her. Turned to face her completely. "Buffy. Can I help you with something?" Slight hurt in the tone. She hadn't let him in. She hadn't even tried. And she'd promised. It hurt.
She dropped her swollen red eyes to the worn carpet of the hotel room. Tucked her hair behind her ears. "Five months." Barely a whisper.
He cocked his head. "Five months...? Five months since.." It hit him. Joyce. Five months to the day. "Oh. Today, is it?"
Nodded. "I didn't... I didn't even remember. Dawn. Told me at the mall today." Shit. Not so much with the being composed anymore.
He moved slowly toward her. She'd pushed him away before. She might do it again. "Luv, it's okay..." God, who was he kidding? She wasn't 'okay'. She'd all but forgotten the five month anniversary of Joyce's death. Hell. So'd he. Guilt, guilt, guilt. And to think, he wasn't supposed to feel that acursed emotion.
Silent, shuddering sob. "No. It's horrible, and awful, and wrong. She was- is- my mother. And I *forgot*. And I didn't mean to. It's just-" Broke off. No. Absolutely no excuses. Bad Buffy. 'Burn in hell' bad, Buffy.
"Buffy, think of all that's happened in the last five months. God. I probably wouldn't even realized it if tomorrow was soddin' Christmas!" He decided against touching her. Let her make the move here. Went and sat on the bed. "I used to do it all the time, you know. Mark days." Shook his head. "I used to mark everything. My mum's birthday, my sister's birthday. My parent's anniversary. Even after they'd been gone for years, and I was with Dru. I still do it. But I have forgotten from time to time. And it always feels horrible." Sighed. "I know I'm not helping. I just.. I want you to know that I understand how you feel."
She knelt beside his feet, slowly resting her head on his knee. "It hurts, so much to not have her here. And Xander-" Broke off again. "God, I'm not even going there. But it didn't help."
He moved to stroke her hair gently. "I forgot, too," he said quietly. "But do you really think that Joyce would want us kicking ourselves over this? Cause I don't think so." A slightly strained sounding chuckle. "Hell, she'd probably beat both of our asses for focusing on *that* day, rather than all the happy times."
"I do," she said hoarsely. "Think of the good times, I mean... but then... I know, there aren't any more." Quietly, "She deserved to live more than anybody else."
He nodded. "Yeah. And I can think of several people who I'd gladly trade to have her back. Myself bein' one of 'em."
Shrugged. "Nope. Mom'd kick your ass. No cocoa for you."
He chuckled and sniffed slightly. Bloody hell. No. Not again. He was not doing this. There. Control. Control is good. "Good point, luv. How about Harris, then? Or maybe that annoyin' guy that built the bot."
"Xander was her popcorn buddy. Warren would do." Her throat was tight, and her eyes burned in that 'after the sob fest' way, and her stomach still wasn't sure about not throwing up. But her heart felt a little better.
He gently reached down, and pulled her up till she was sitting in his lap. Having her closer would aid in control. Control equals no breakdowns. "Fine then. We'll find a place to trade him as soon as we get back to Sunnyhell."
Small smile, tucked her face in the crook of his neck. Two quietly muffled words.
He rubbed her back gently. "Sorry, luv. Didn't catch that. What did you say?"
Fidgeted a bit. "I tried. I did. To let you in. I know.. I know I didn't. But, I tried."
He sighed. "I know, luv. And I know it won't be easy for you. S'probably the hardest rule I gave you, I know. You're used to bein' the strong one. To being the one who supports the others. All I want to do is give *you* somewhere to turn when you need a shoulder to cry on." Small smile. "Everyone needs one from time to time. Even me."
Nodded. Wiped at her face again. Abrupt laugh. "God. I've gotta look great."
He gazed down at her. Runny make up, swollen eyes, messy hair, no shoes, tear streaked face. It all added up to one thing. "You're beautiful."
That odd laugh again. "Yeah. Beautiful or not, I need to wash my face. Cold, cold water."
He stood up, keeping her in his arms, manuvering her to the bathroom door. "Go ahead, luv. Take a shower. Relax." Considered how best to phrase this. "Your mum'd be proud of you, you know. You not only saved the world, but you saved Niblet, too. I think Joyce's probably up on a cloud somewhere, braggin' to Saint Peter about her wonderful daughter."
Soft smile, placed her hand on his cheek, her thumb stroking over the high cheekbone. "Thank you. She'd be proud of you, too." Pressed her key into his hand. Kissed him lightly on the mouth. "Go get my pajama's?"
He nodded and smiled, then turned to go, hearing the bathroom door close behind him. Once out in the hall, he sagged. God. How could he have forgotten?! That date was burned into his memory, just as sure as the dates of his human family's deaths were. How could he be so wrapped up in himself that he didn't even REMEMBER!! He punched the coke machine as he passed it, leaving a dent, and two free sodas for the next people in that hallway. Went to Buffy's room, retrieved her pjs, and went back to his room, swiping at his eyes. Couldn't let her know that he'd broken down. It had been embarrassing enough the other night, although it had ended extremely well... Damnit! There he went again. Muttered, "Some great friend you are, mate. Not only can't you remember your own soddin' *birthday*, now you're forgetting anniversaries. Important anniversaries." Growled, as he swiped at another tear. "Oh, quit with the waterworks, already." Sighed, and sat on the bed, placeing the folded jammas next to him. "Bloody hell. Hangin' around the humans is finally starting to do it. I'm goin' right back to William again. Might as well show Buffy the poetry you've been writing her, ya wanker." Snorted. "And now I'm talking to myself. Wonderful. I'm goin' insane. Just like Dru." Ceased his muttering abruptly when the bathroom door opened, revealing a wet Buffy in a towel.
Refreshed-shower-Buffy turned to Concern-Buffy. She anchored the towel in place with one hand, and crossed to wipe at his eyes with the other. "What happened?"
He jerked back slightly. "Nothing. I got your stuff." Pointed to the folded pajamas. "Finally knocked a dent in that coke machine."
She pressed a kiss to his brow, picked up the jamma's, and said, before closing the bathroom door again, "She appreciated knowing she meant so much to you."
Was he made of glass or something? How the hell did these people keep seeing right through him!? First Joyce, then Dawn, then Tara, then Madison, and now Buffy. Who would be next?! Rupert!? Slight shudder. He hoped not. Male bonding was *not* something he was good at. He layed back on the bed, focusing on calming himself. Deep, even breaths. Eyes closed. Relax.. Relax..
She came back out, hair wet, and pajama clad. Laid against his side. "Spike?"
He jumped slightly, not even registering her presence until she spoke. Eyes opened. "Huh?"
Smiled a little at him. "We're done being sad. Mom wouldn't like it. And she'd... kill me for being psycho like I was earlier. So... We're not gonna be sad. Cuz Dawn... She's handling so well."
Tried for 'Brave Face', and fell short. "I'm not... I mean, I wasn't.. Oh, bloody hell." Nodded. "Yeah. The Bit's a trooper."
Another almost smile. It wasn't time for him to be ok, yet. She tilted his head to her shoulder, stroked his platinum curls. "But you don't have to be."
He sighed, eyes closing as he concentrated on the feel of her gentle stroking. "I'll be fine, luv. Really. Just.. I don't know where this stuff comes from, sometimes, you know?"
Rueful smile. "No. I know nothing about being blind-sided."
He chuckled softly. "Yeah. I mean, I'll be fine. And then, all of a sudden, it hits me. Like.. Lightning, or something."
Nodded, cuddled down next to him. "Totally gotcha. One 'throw me for a loop' special, coming up, kind of thing."
He sighed, and leaned his head against hers. Didn't know what to say. Thought about telling her he loved her, but he didn't want to scare her, either. Settled for just purring softly. Trying to let her know that he was alright.
Her arms found their way around him, closed her eyes. She wanted to soothe him, tell him anything he wanted to hear to make it better. He was alright, she knew, but alright didn't mean not hurting in some way. And she didn't like it. The one thing he wanted to hear she absolutely couldn't say, wasn't even sure she felt. Wasn't even planning on thinking about it anytime soon. "I'm glad you're ok." Woefully inadequate. She knew it.
"I'm okay, if you're okay, luv," was his only reply. Wanted so badly to say it. To *hear* it. Now that he thought of it, he realized that he'd never heard it before. Not from someone who wasn't either insane, or just a friend. Or Harmony. *That* was sooo not something he wanted to think about. It induced nightmares. He mentally sighed, and just settled for the purr that meant the words he wanted to say. It would do for now. It had to. But... there are times when you just can't hold it in. And this was one of them. Very quietly, almost inauditably, all the while praying that she wouldn't jump up and run from the room. "I love you." Mentally, he snarked at himself. 'She's not gonna say anything, ya git. She's either going to pretend to be asleep, even though her heartbeat just sped up, or drop you like a hot plate and run. Get ready. Brace yourself. Here it comes.'
It made her shiver, the way it passed his lips. Complete sincerity, open. Want, desire, care, and just a little fear. She moved over him slightly, looking down into his eyes. Hers were clear and full of conflict. "I know." And she did know, was for once confident in his emotion. Hoped it was enough, and pressed her lips to his.
Well. This would do. For now.
The vampire purred in his almost-sleep, one eye opening to glance down at her. The hand that was in her hair began stroking almost absently. He made a sound that was halfway between a yawn and a growl. Then, "Mornin', luv."
Nipped at the curve of his shoulder. "Morning."
He glanced around, a little disoriented. "Where.. Oh." Chuckled softly, continuing to purr from deep within his chest. "I'm guessin' you're in a good mood."
Slow grin, a stretch from beneath him. "You could say that. You?"
Pretended to consider. "Oh, I guess so. Tired, but good, you know?" Moved slightly off her, to pull her up against him and wrap an arm around her.
Nuzzled her shoulders against his chest. "Good sleep?"
Chuckled. "For the time that I was *actually* asleep, yes."
Almost blush. "Yeah. Me, too." She looked at his hands, folded over her stomach. Her own slid over them, holding them tightly to herself. He wasn't leaving.
He almost seemed to read her mind. Either that, or her tense muscles, and the fact that she seemed to be attempting to break his hands. "Easy, luv. I'm not goin' anywhere. I'll stay here all day, if you want to." Nuzzled the back of her neck, kissing it softly, lovingly.
Her stomach folded into the best kinds of knots, and her hands loosened over his. Stroked up his arms as far as was comfortable. Titled her head to give him better access.
He purred as he nuzzled and kissed at her neck. Made his way up to beneath her ear, nibbling sofly.
She turned her head, one hand lifting to the side of his face. She kissed him.
He returned the kiss, gently teasing her lips apart and letting his tongue duel playfully with hers. Sighed happily into her mouth.
She turned to face him, never breaking the kiss. One hand trailed down his ribs, her lips smiling against his.
Pushed reflexivly against her hand, as he always did, loving every touch, every sensation. His purring got louder. Pulled back slightly to rest their foreheads together, the vampiric gesture of affection.
She absorbed it, her eyes closed to maximize sensations. Touched her mouth to his again. "Want you," she mumbled.
He chuckled softly. "Do you *ever* get tired, Slayer?" Well, it wasn't 'I love you', but it would do for now.
Smiled impishly at him, snaked her hands over him quickly. "Not when it's you." Low, full of promise.
He smiled back. "Well. Farbeit for me to refuse the request of a lady."
============================================================================ =============
She sat up. "I really gotta go."
Spike sighed. Well. He should've known it would come to this. She's running off and-
"I mean... I told Dawn we'd go shopping at that mall we passed, and it's already noon..."
Oh. Way to jump to conclusions, William. He sat up, cocked his head at her. "You're sure you can't stay awhile longer, luv? I'm gonna get lonely." Puppy dog eyes, and one of his patented half grins.
Sighed, planted one hand on his chest. "Spike... We've done this for an hour. I can't live in your bed." Hmm... Intruguing prospect, that...
He chuckled, and brought his hands up to caress hers gently. "I know. I know. Go on. Go have a family day. I suppose I can catch up on my sleep." Raised her hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles gently.
Melted at the sweet gesture. Stammered as she changed back into her clothes, stopping at the door, saying almost bashfully, "Bye." Left quickly.
He chuckled and went to lock the door, not bothering with clothes. Then went back to bed. Yawned. Reeeaaalllyy needed to sleep now.
============================================================================ =============
Buffy dropped Dawn at her own hotel room, laden with bags and smiling. She continued on to her own room, the smile slipping from her weary face, carrying her own bags.
Spike snarled at the soda machine. Unlike the snack machine, which he had figured out, this stupid piece of crap didn't respect him. It ate his change, and a dollar bill, and then it STILL wouldn't give him a coke. He was just about to pick the whole machine up and shake it hard, when he noticed Buffy. Forgot about the machine in favor of offering to help her with her bags. "Hey, luv. Hard day's shoppin'?"
Forced smile. "Gotta love spending money." Dumped a few bags on him to dig out her key.
He shifted his sudden load (what had she bought, anyway? A tank?), and cocked his head at her. "Somethin' botherin' you, Slayer? Can I do anything?"
Big smile, swiped her key through the lock. "No. The shoes will cheer me up." Walked in, invited him in, and started rooting through the bag, lifted up a strappy, impractically high heeled black stilhetto. "See?"
He grinned a little. "You're gonna fall right off of those, luv. Slayer balance or no Slayer balance."
Snorted at him. "Whatever. It came with a dress." Innocent smile. REALLY IT DID!
"Uh-huh. Yeah. I believe you." Suggestive grin. "Care to model said dress? Or nothing?"
Rolled her eyes. "Shoo, perverted male. I have gloating to do over my purchases."
He sat in a chair. "I want to stay. The moment I go out this door, I'm totalling a coke machine."
Sighed. "What? Haven't mastered that one yet?"
Pouted. "I hate that machine." Defensively. "I'll get it. It just takes time, s'all."
Small laugh. "Yeah yeah..."
There was something bothering her. Something, and he couldn't quite figure out what. "Did you and Bit have a fight, luv?"
Looked at him, a confused frown lining her face. "No." Concerned look. "Are YOU ok?"
He couldn't hide the smile at that. She cared. He didn't think he'd ever stop finding that amazing. "I'm fine, Buffy. Really. Just worried about you. You look like somethin's on your mind."
Sighed, sat heavily on the bed. "Well..."
He got up, and moved to squat in front of her, to be at her eye level. "Yeah? I'm listenin', luv."
A small smile turned the corners of her mouth. "I've been thinking. And I have absolutely nowhere to wear my new dress."
He grinned. "Really? Hmm. Wonder if I can help you with that."
Coy shrug. "I dunno."
"I seem to remember a club that we passed earlier... And I *might* be able to secure some transportation. That is, if I can find someone to go with.." Playfully confused grin. "Now, whoever can I ask? Maybe Dawn'd want to-"
Light smack to the side of the head, intense frown in his direction. "Dress matches the strappy sexy shoes."
He laughed quietly. "So, I guess you want to go, huh?" His eyes twinkled. "Like, on a date? Dinner, dancing, that sort of thing?"
Pretended to consider. "Well... I mean... I guess so..."
Stood up, and turned his back on her. "Well, if you aren't certain, I'm just gonna go beat the crap out of a coke machine." Made to go toward the door.
"Well... You talked me into it."
He turned and grinned at her. "Good." Sat in a chair. "I'll just wait 'till you're ready. Feel free to change right where you are." Grin, and a raised eyebrow.
Gave him a raised eyebrow of her own. "Yeeeee-ah... If I'm wearing what I THINK I'm wearing, and I AM, there is no way that you're going in that."
He glanced down at his black tee shirt and jeans. "Oh." Got up. "Good point. I'll be right back." Muttered, "What the hell do I have, anyway? Maybe the-" Door shut.
Laughed and started going through her bags. Where was that dress??
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Ten minutes later, Spike knocked on the door to Buffy's room. Black jeans, his good boots, red silk buttoned shirt, and his trademark duster, freshly cleaned. Ran his fingers through his hair. It was times like these that he missed his reflection.
She swung open the door to look at him questioningly. It was a red dress, cut only to one shoulder, and the hem cut off at the same angle in a slight ruffle, from mid-shin to mid-thigh. It was a rich-blood red color, and the black stihettos set off, well, everything nicely. So did the red lipstick, smoky eyes, and tousled hair.
However, the Mouth Hanging Open look wasn't exactly as flattering on Spike. "Holy.. Buffy.."
Her eyes raked over him, and a slow female smile took her lips. Her eyes roved over him again, and he might as well have not been wearing the clothes. "Hey."
He straightened up a bit, smiled at her. Recovery, damn you. Recover, already! "Hey, luv. Wow. You look even more amazing than usual." Ah! A slight blush. Recovered. Good Spike.
Bit her lip with a small smile, grabbed a small black handbag. "Ready?"
Grinned by way of answer, and held out his hand. "I am if you are, luv."
She reached out tentatively, linked their hands. "Yeah."
He purred with happiness at that simple gesture. Kept their hands linked as they walked down the hall. Cloud nine. That was the term for this feeling.
She kept her footing well, and nudged her shoulder into Spike's to alert him to this. "See?"
He chuckled. "Okay, okay. I was exaggerating. You have perfect balance, luv. Not like I didn't already know that." Squeezed her hand playfully.
Superior snort. "Like I needed you to tell me that to know." Small smile.
He chuckled. This was wonderful. First official date. Nothing could make this- Oh perfect. Harris.
Xander and Dawn were walking the oposite way down the hall. Paused when they noticed Buffy and Spike. Buffy and Spike *holding hands*, none the less.
"Hey, guys," Dawn chirped, an octave above normal.
"Buffy," Xander said, not even looking at the vampire.
Fidgeted on her heels. Not smart. Almost lost her balance. "Hey, Xand."
"So," Xander said, trying not to focus on the couple's linked hands. "Where're you off to?"
"We're going out. As in on a date," Spike responded, a slight sneer in his voice. Hey! Control is one thing, letting that wanker think he had the upper hand was a totally different thing. "Problem, Harris?"
Xander glanced at the vampire for the first time. "No. *I* don't have a prob- Ow! Dawn, what are you doing?"
Bright smile. "Wow. I really gotta pee, and you have my key, and I really HATE going in my room alone, especially if there's something in there that can eat me, I mean," shied away from the vampire refrence. "Kill me. I mean kill me, and, it would be great if you would come in with me, and protect me, so..." Started to tug him behind her. "Bye, guys!"
"But.. but.." But he was yanked into the elevator at that moment.
Spike gave a quiet almost-snort. Looked at Buffy. "You alright, luv?"
Jerked to attention, gave a fiercely bright smile. "Yeah. Of course."
"Good." Internally, 'good' had become a 'yeah, right'. Gave her a bit of a grin. "I'm proud of you."
Took a deep breath between her still smiling lips. "Yeah?"
He held up their still linked hands. "You didn't let go." Smiled at her. Genuinely. "Thank you."
Gave him a smile of her own. "Of course." Discounted the fact that the reason she probably didn't was because she was too busy doing that 'deer in headlights' thing.
Time to go. Spike pushed the button, half expecting the elevator doors to open and reveal Rupert, or the Wiccas. Was relieved when it didn't. Over one hurdle tonight. But the race was just beginning.
============================================================================ ===============
It had bothered her. The 'confrontation' with Harris. Had cast a pallor over the whole evening. At dinner, they were talking, but she seemed distracted. Laughing in all the right places, but just a little off cue. Smiling too brightly. She'd relaxed a bit when they'd gotten to the club. Relaxed in his arms as they swayed to the music. But once they got back to the hotel, she was Little Miss Tense again. He gave a mental snort. He *knew* that things like this were going to happen. But still, why couldn't Harris and Dawn showed up ten minutes later? Huh? Was that too much to ask? He guessed so. And now they were at the door to her room.
Buffy smiled up at him. Bushed a kiss at the far corner of his mouth.
He gave her a smile, and then pulled her to him for a slightly longer kiss. Pulled back to look at her. "So.. what do we do now, luv? Your call."
Small, closed-mouth smile. "I'm... really beat. Shopping, and all. I had a great time, though."
Nodded. "Yeah. Me too." Opened the door for her. "I'll just.. go back to my room, then."
Nodded, then as he started to turn, the smile faded off her face to an expression of deep pain, turned to go in her room.
He caught her change of expression, turned back. "Buffy.. luv.. What's wrong? And don't even bother with the 'I'm fine' speech. I've heard it too many times to be fooled anymore."
Paused, just inside the door. God... She really couldn't do this anymore tonight. Turned with a smile. "Well, you were kinda right about the shoes. Definite pain there."
Disbelieving look. "Buffy.."
Had to get him out. Not tonight, not tonight. "Spike, I had a great time. But I'm just really so tire..." Trailed off as she attempted to shut the door.
And couldn't, because there was a foot of vampire in it. "Buffy.. Let me in, remember? Whatever's wrong, you shouldn't have to face it alone. Let me help you. Tell me what's going on."
Had to be firm. Had to be fine. Till she was alone. Then-Then... "No."
His look hardened. "Fine, Slayer. Have it your way." Withdrew his foot, and pulled the door closed from outside. Stood there, debating whether or not he should go to his room, or beat up that coke machine, or.. What was that sound? It was coming from Buffy's room. Human ears wouldn't have even registered it, but Spike's hearing was more like a dog's, than a human. He moved a little closer to the door, listening.
She had slipped to her knees behind the door, her hand sliding down it. She needed a minute to breathe before she started the intense sobbing and- damn. Too late. Skip to intense sobbing, closing eyes against the pain, and trying to heave in air.
She was crying. Shit! And he'd just let her shut him out. Some boyfriend he was. Knocked softly. "Buffy? Luv, open up. Let me help you."
She wiped at her face hastily, backing away from the door, almost scrambling.
He didn't want to break down the door, but he would. "Buffy, please. For once in your life, let someone else hold *you* up. Let me in."
She pulled herself to her feet unsteadily, unlocked the door, and swung it open, stood there before him.
Oh god.. Her make up was running with the tears, and her eyes were already swelling. He reached out, ran the backs of his fingers over her cheek gently. "Buffy... What's wrong, luv?" All his caring, all his love for her was evident in his voice. In those few, soft words.
Choked sob, wiped at her face again to pace the hotel room, hopping on one foot to tear off the heels.
She looked at them in disgust, hurled them across the room. "I went *shopping*," she ground out in a harsh sob.
He moved slowly into the room. His nose assured him that this wasn't a 'time of the month' problem, and he honestly couldn't figure out what what was wrong with her. He sat on the corner of the bed. "And that's bad?"
She was almost talking to, berating, degrading herself. "Today. Today, I choose to go *shopping*, don't even think about it. God." Pained wimper. Cried throughout. "Just... too much, there's been so much."
He didn't know what to do. Got up, slowly walked over to her. Wanted to pull her to him, to hug her and tell her that it would be alright. But he still wasn't sure exactly what was going on. Put a hand on her shoulder. "Buffy... Can I do something? What's-"
Shrugged him off harshly. "Don't- don't try to make it better. It shouldn't. It should hurt. I deserve that, ok? Let it happen!" Her stomach was clenching from crying so hard, and she welcomed it.
He was confused. And confusion made him angry. Stepped back from her with a slight growl. "Damnit, Slayer! I don't know what to do! I don't know what you want me to do, and I don't even know what the BLOODY HELL is going ON!" Spun around and paced to the door and back, growling to himself, trying to calm down. He was supposed to being SUPPORTIVE! Not abusive and growly. He really needed to work on this 'boyfriend' thing. Compared to Buffy, Dru was a picnic.
Turned, full of tearful indignance. "I wanted you to go! I wanted to be alone. I wanted this to happen away from people."
He faced her, not unlike when they'd face off for sparring. Sighed, his shoulders slumping a little. "Fine, Slayer. I'm just trying to help you. To keep you from facing your demons, be they real or personal, alone. Everyone needs someone they can talk to, you know. I was just hoping that for you, that might be me." Headed for the door. "I guess I was wrong."
She bit her lip, and watched him go.
An hour later, she stood before his door, barefoot, still wearing the dress, smeared makeup, and tousled hair of their evening together. Felt she had contained herself now. She was okay, and that meant she was ok to talk to Spike. Knocked.
"Come in?", came the call from inside. Buffy had been so upset, that it seemed to have passed to the vampire. He'd spent the entire last hour pacing, his red shirt unbuttoned and hair all curly from repeatedly running his fingers through it.
She entered the room, her hands folded.
He paused in mid step, and looked at her. Turned to face her completely. "Buffy. Can I help you with something?" Slight hurt in the tone. She hadn't let him in. She hadn't even tried. And she'd promised. It hurt.
She dropped her swollen red eyes to the worn carpet of the hotel room. Tucked her hair behind her ears. "Five months." Barely a whisper.
He cocked his head. "Five months...? Five months since.." It hit him. Joyce. Five months to the day. "Oh. Today, is it?"
Nodded. "I didn't... I didn't even remember. Dawn. Told me at the mall today." Shit. Not so much with the being composed anymore.
He moved slowly toward her. She'd pushed him away before. She might do it again. "Luv, it's okay..." God, who was he kidding? She wasn't 'okay'. She'd all but forgotten the five month anniversary of Joyce's death. Hell. So'd he. Guilt, guilt, guilt. And to think, he wasn't supposed to feel that acursed emotion.
Silent, shuddering sob. "No. It's horrible, and awful, and wrong. She was- is- my mother. And I *forgot*. And I didn't mean to. It's just-" Broke off. No. Absolutely no excuses. Bad Buffy. 'Burn in hell' bad, Buffy.
"Buffy, think of all that's happened in the last five months. God. I probably wouldn't even realized it if tomorrow was soddin' Christmas!" He decided against touching her. Let her make the move here. Went and sat on the bed. "I used to do it all the time, you know. Mark days." Shook his head. "I used to mark everything. My mum's birthday, my sister's birthday. My parent's anniversary. Even after they'd been gone for years, and I was with Dru. I still do it. But I have forgotten from time to time. And it always feels horrible." Sighed. "I know I'm not helping. I just.. I want you to know that I understand how you feel."
She knelt beside his feet, slowly resting her head on his knee. "It hurts, so much to not have her here. And Xander-" Broke off again. "God, I'm not even going there. But it didn't help."
He moved to stroke her hair gently. "I forgot, too," he said quietly. "But do you really think that Joyce would want us kicking ourselves over this? Cause I don't think so." A slightly strained sounding chuckle. "Hell, she'd probably beat both of our asses for focusing on *that* day, rather than all the happy times."
"I do," she said hoarsely. "Think of the good times, I mean... but then... I know, there aren't any more." Quietly, "She deserved to live more than anybody else."
He nodded. "Yeah. And I can think of several people who I'd gladly trade to have her back. Myself bein' one of 'em."
Shrugged. "Nope. Mom'd kick your ass. No cocoa for you."
He chuckled and sniffed slightly. Bloody hell. No. Not again. He was not doing this. There. Control. Control is good. "Good point, luv. How about Harris, then? Or maybe that annoyin' guy that built the bot."
"Xander was her popcorn buddy. Warren would do." Her throat was tight, and her eyes burned in that 'after the sob fest' way, and her stomach still wasn't sure about not throwing up. But her heart felt a little better.
He gently reached down, and pulled her up till she was sitting in his lap. Having her closer would aid in control. Control equals no breakdowns. "Fine then. We'll find a place to trade him as soon as we get back to Sunnyhell."
Small smile, tucked her face in the crook of his neck. Two quietly muffled words.
He rubbed her back gently. "Sorry, luv. Didn't catch that. What did you say?"
Fidgeted a bit. "I tried. I did. To let you in. I know.. I know I didn't. But, I tried."
He sighed. "I know, luv. And I know it won't be easy for you. S'probably the hardest rule I gave you, I know. You're used to bein' the strong one. To being the one who supports the others. All I want to do is give *you* somewhere to turn when you need a shoulder to cry on." Small smile. "Everyone needs one from time to time. Even me."
Nodded. Wiped at her face again. Abrupt laugh. "God. I've gotta look great."
He gazed down at her. Runny make up, swollen eyes, messy hair, no shoes, tear streaked face. It all added up to one thing. "You're beautiful."
That odd laugh again. "Yeah. Beautiful or not, I need to wash my face. Cold, cold water."
He stood up, keeping her in his arms, manuvering her to the bathroom door. "Go ahead, luv. Take a shower. Relax." Considered how best to phrase this. "Your mum'd be proud of you, you know. You not only saved the world, but you saved Niblet, too. I think Joyce's probably up on a cloud somewhere, braggin' to Saint Peter about her wonderful daughter."
Soft smile, placed her hand on his cheek, her thumb stroking over the high cheekbone. "Thank you. She'd be proud of you, too." Pressed her key into his hand. Kissed him lightly on the mouth. "Go get my pajama's?"
He nodded and smiled, then turned to go, hearing the bathroom door close behind him. Once out in the hall, he sagged. God. How could he have forgotten?! That date was burned into his memory, just as sure as the dates of his human family's deaths were. How could he be so wrapped up in himself that he didn't even REMEMBER!! He punched the coke machine as he passed it, leaving a dent, and two free sodas for the next people in that hallway. Went to Buffy's room, retrieved her pjs, and went back to his room, swiping at his eyes. Couldn't let her know that he'd broken down. It had been embarrassing enough the other night, although it had ended extremely well... Damnit! There he went again. Muttered, "Some great friend you are, mate. Not only can't you remember your own soddin' *birthday*, now you're forgetting anniversaries. Important anniversaries." Growled, as he swiped at another tear. "Oh, quit with the waterworks, already." Sighed, and sat on the bed, placeing the folded jammas next to him. "Bloody hell. Hangin' around the humans is finally starting to do it. I'm goin' right back to William again. Might as well show Buffy the poetry you've been writing her, ya wanker." Snorted. "And now I'm talking to myself. Wonderful. I'm goin' insane. Just like Dru." Ceased his muttering abruptly when the bathroom door opened, revealing a wet Buffy in a towel.
Refreshed-shower-Buffy turned to Concern-Buffy. She anchored the towel in place with one hand, and crossed to wipe at his eyes with the other. "What happened?"
He jerked back slightly. "Nothing. I got your stuff." Pointed to the folded pajamas. "Finally knocked a dent in that coke machine."
She pressed a kiss to his brow, picked up the jamma's, and said, before closing the bathroom door again, "She appreciated knowing she meant so much to you."
Was he made of glass or something? How the hell did these people keep seeing right through him!? First Joyce, then Dawn, then Tara, then Madison, and now Buffy. Who would be next?! Rupert!? Slight shudder. He hoped not. Male bonding was *not* something he was good at. He layed back on the bed, focusing on calming himself. Deep, even breaths. Eyes closed. Relax.. Relax..
She came back out, hair wet, and pajama clad. Laid against his side. "Spike?"
He jumped slightly, not even registering her presence until she spoke. Eyes opened. "Huh?"
Smiled a little at him. "We're done being sad. Mom wouldn't like it. And she'd... kill me for being psycho like I was earlier. So... We're not gonna be sad. Cuz Dawn... She's handling so well."
Tried for 'Brave Face', and fell short. "I'm not... I mean, I wasn't.. Oh, bloody hell." Nodded. "Yeah. The Bit's a trooper."
Another almost smile. It wasn't time for him to be ok, yet. She tilted his head to her shoulder, stroked his platinum curls. "But you don't have to be."
He sighed, eyes closing as he concentrated on the feel of her gentle stroking. "I'll be fine, luv. Really. Just.. I don't know where this stuff comes from, sometimes, you know?"
Rueful smile. "No. I know nothing about being blind-sided."
He chuckled softly. "Yeah. I mean, I'll be fine. And then, all of a sudden, it hits me. Like.. Lightning, or something."
Nodded, cuddled down next to him. "Totally gotcha. One 'throw me for a loop' special, coming up, kind of thing."
He sighed, and leaned his head against hers. Didn't know what to say. Thought about telling her he loved her, but he didn't want to scare her, either. Settled for just purring softly. Trying to let her know that he was alright.
Her arms found their way around him, closed her eyes. She wanted to soothe him, tell him anything he wanted to hear to make it better. He was alright, she knew, but alright didn't mean not hurting in some way. And she didn't like it. The one thing he wanted to hear she absolutely couldn't say, wasn't even sure she felt. Wasn't even planning on thinking about it anytime soon. "I'm glad you're ok." Woefully inadequate. She knew it.
"I'm okay, if you're okay, luv," was his only reply. Wanted so badly to say it. To *hear* it. Now that he thought of it, he realized that he'd never heard it before. Not from someone who wasn't either insane, or just a friend. Or Harmony. *That* was sooo not something he wanted to think about. It induced nightmares. He mentally sighed, and just settled for the purr that meant the words he wanted to say. It would do for now. It had to. But... there are times when you just can't hold it in. And this was one of them. Very quietly, almost inauditably, all the while praying that she wouldn't jump up and run from the room. "I love you." Mentally, he snarked at himself. 'She's not gonna say anything, ya git. She's either going to pretend to be asleep, even though her heartbeat just sped up, or drop you like a hot plate and run. Get ready. Brace yourself. Here it comes.'
It made her shiver, the way it passed his lips. Complete sincerity, open. Want, desire, care, and just a little fear. She moved over him slightly, looking down into his eyes. Hers were clear and full of conflict. "I know." And she did know, was for once confident in his emotion. Hoped it was enough, and pressed her lips to his.
Well. This would do. For now.