That Natalie was having a very good time was not in doubt. Anyone plied with caviar, champagne, filet of sole, and chocolate-covered strawberries is unlikely to complain about their meal; and what was more, in between courses, Nick would lead her out onto the dance floor and hold her close while whispering outrageous compliments. As far as romance went, there was nothing more to be desired. The problem was that she was seriously beginning to doubt her sanity; or at the very least, Nick's.
"I can't believe you hypnotized the entire orchestra. That's just not like you, you're usually so cautious about the vampire stuff-- and you know I don't like it, usually.. Why did you go out on this kind of limb tonight?"
"Because now I am certain we will spend eternity together," Klaus responded meaningfully, letting his hands roam across her back perhaps more than was called for. "And I felt the significance of the occasion justified for it."
Natalie's heart began to beat wildly, distracting Klaus from her next question. "Significance? What significance would that be?"
"Hmmmmmm?"
"Nick, c'mon, keep your hands around my waist. I'm serious. Is there some bit of information that you wanted to share with me?"
"Only that I will never leave you," Klaus promised fervently, "and you are the only woman I've ever loved." Which declaration inspired a long, impassioned, intricate kiss that would have completely undermined the resolve and concentration of a lesser woman; but Dr. Lambert is made of sterner stuff than those who don't use Eau de Formaldehyde as their usual cologne.
"The only one you've ever loved, hunh?"
"I swear it," the vampire avowed, nibbling at her fingertips, barely restraining himself from actually breaking the skin.
"What about... Marion Blackwing?"
"Who?" Von Helsing attempted to look completely infatuated, instead of infatuated and confused. Why was Natalie giving him such a hard time?
"The faith healer, remember? And how about-- Denise Ford? The psychic?"
"I don't remember her."
"That's funny, considering she died in your arms."
"Well, lots of women have done that." Klaus winced when Natalie punched him, then added, "Besides, I never loved her like I love you." How many women had Knight been involved with?!? "Let's dance. Maestro! Our song!"
The orchestra went into an upbeat version of Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing", and Klaus swept Natalie into a pas de deux resembling the Lambada, only not as refined. It was almost enough to allay Natalie's fears; but somehow, some way, she felt there was something missing. Nick was just too... too... nonchalant. Usually, he'd have been wallowing in the guilt of his murdered innocents by now; instead, he was demonstrating that he couldnÕt care less about them. For Nick Knight, Guilt King of the Prom, to so lightly set aside his reservations and fears, there had to be a good reason.
Or, maybe it was just a side effect of the drink.
As she observed Nick go into John Travolta's moves from "Saturday Night Fever", swiveling his hips and pointing at the ceiling, the coroner decided to try getting through to the old Nick one last time. Just to be sure he was okay.
Letting him twirl her until she was dizzy, and then dip her nearly to the floor, Natalie asked, "Okay, I believe you. I'm the only woman you've ever loved. But even ignoring Emily Weiss, Allyce Hunter, and all those other women you're always telling me about, I still don't think you can just dismiss Janette that easily."
"Why not?" Klaus asked, pulling her back up to stand next to him. "It's not like we were married, or anything. Besides, I didn't know her for that long. She meant nothing to me."
Oops!
Natalie stepped backward, staring at him in shock. "Nick, you've known her 800 years. Your entire life. What are you talking about, you didn't know her that long?"
"Oh, that Janette. I thought you meant the other one---" Klaus smiled desperately, his face lit up in little-boy chagrin. "Well, you know. Easy come, easy go---"
"Who are you?" The M.E. said, brushing aside his attempts to cover his mistake. "You're not Nick." Her eyes narrowed in anger and suspicion. "I should have known you weren't him! Nick hates opera cloaks! He'd never have worn one on this date! What have you done with him?!?"
By this time, Tracy and Vachon had been able to fill Nick in on the impostorÕs activities, beginning with arresting Lucard and ending with his proposed date with Natalie. Nick was having a little trouble following the explanation, possibly because he was on his fourth bottle of blood after a long period of abstinence, and he was now in that state characterized as "feeling no pain"; possibly because his partner was talking nineteen to the dozen, waving her arms around and letting her voice get squeaky with intensity. "But it's okay about Nat, because I told her you weren't you, that the guy was a vampire, and she agreed to break the date--"
"My evil twin is a vampire?!" Nick choked on his drink, frothing a little at the mouth as the horrifying implications set in. "But Natalie knows IÕm a vampire. She'll have thought that I was me, I mean he was I, and that you were just confused-- where was he going to take her? Tell me!"
"Uhhh, the CN Tower--" Tracy's partner whoooooooshed into the sky, weaving a little bit it's true, but still rocketing off too fast for the eye to follow. "Whoa. I guess Nat's in trouble. C'mon, Vachon, we have to go help save her!"
"We? Whaddaya mean, we?" Vachon looked at Tracy cockeyed. "You know, I never get in trouble except when I'm hanging out with you--"
"Let it go, Vachon. You follow Nick, I'll drive--"
"There *is* a faster way." The younger vampire grabbed Tracy in a close embrace, and she would have enjoyed it a lot, that is, if the ground hadn't gone away just then.
"Mooooommmmeeeeeeeeee----"
Klaus was still trying to lie his way out of his mistake, but Natalie wasn't having any. "Just tell me what you did with him. And who are you, anyway? Why did you do this? Did LaCroix put you up to this?"
"Hardly," Klaus said, insulted, then grimaced as he realized he'd admitted to her accusations. "Damn." Considering the furious coroner's lovely face, he shrugged and decided to go for broke. "I did all this because I am in love with you, my darling. I had to be alone with you, to convince you of my regard--"
"Save it." Natalie turned and began to stalk toward the exit. "One lying vampire in my life is enough--" With vampiric speed, Klaus was suddenly kneeling in front of her, his hands clasped in supplication.
"Then if there can be only one, why can't it be *me*? Oh, please, oh please, oh please Nat, I have so many plans for us! The dreams! The riches! The eternity of darkness!"
"WHAT? Are you crazy, Nick? I mean-- oh, get off the floor, you look ridiculous. Look, what's your name?" Natalie was finding it more and more difficult to stay angry with her suitor; he was just as cute as Nick, twice as considerate, and wasn't afraid to make a fool of himself to get her attention. But she wasn't about to let on that he was getting to her.
"Klaus von Helsing, at your service, m'lady. Prince of the Night, Vampire Extraordinaire, financier of note--" von Helsing was flourishing his cape around, smiling winningly, and looking dashing until he was interrupted.
"--and incredible bore, Dr. Lambert." The civilized voice which cut in on Klaus's self-aggrandizement was amused and weary at the same time. Klaus interposed himself between Natalie and the newcomer, but not before the M.E. spotted Alexander Lucard standing on the balustrade of the balcony, clad in a tuxedo that exactly matched von Helsing's.
"I'll protect you, my love!"
"Oh, do shut up, Klaus. Dr. Lambert is far too sensible to believe anything you say." Lucard lazily dropped down from his perch and strolled across the ballroom until he was only a few feet away from the couple. "I trust you're well, Doctor?"
"Peachy." Natalie's lips were pressed together in a thin line of annoyance. "You know this guy, Mr. Lucard?"
"May I introduce my son, Klaus. I see that you've already perceived that he is not your good friend Detective Knight; but the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it?" Lucard stared coldly at his child, his eyes lit with satisfaction and rage. "He has been at some pains to embarrass me here in Toronto, and he couldn't overlook the opportunity to use the chance likeness. I apologize for his behavior toward you, however; his audacity is inexcusable--"
"Don't listen to him! He's come here to kill you!" Klaus yelled, still blocking most of Natalie's view of the other vampire, his arms outstretched as if preparing to take a bullet for her. "He and LaCroix arranged it between the two of them; LaCroix was supposed to kill Jerry Tate, and Lucard is going to kill you!" So saying, he snarled at his master, then dissolved into self-congratulatory giggles of hysteria.
Natalie rolled her eyes and hit him on the side of the head, which helped Klaus regain his feeble self-control. The mortal sighed and turned back to Lucard. "Is any of that true?"
"I could deny it, but I wouldn't want to insult your intelligence."
"No, of course not. Why should you insult me, when you're going to kill me in two minutes?"
"I didn't say that," Lucard responded, his eyes assessing her as he smiled coolly. "It's true, LaCroix and I did discuss a trade of--- services, shall we say? But unfortunately, he failed to live up to his end of the bargain, and now Jerry Tate is quite dead without his assistance."
"You killed him!" Klaus shrieked, then clutched Natalie's shoulders and whispered, "You see? You're not safe here! You have to let me bring you across, before he tries to kill you!"
Lucard and Natalie traded disbelieving glances, then the coroner tactfully said, "That's terribly sweet of you, Klaus, but I don't think it's a really good idea--"
"I think it's a HORRIBLE idea," said the Nightcrawler, alighting on the balcony in time to overhear the discussion. "And this isn't at all what I was hoping to find when I arrived. Why isn't she dead yet?" he asked Lucard, striding forward angrily, his dark trenchcoat and turtleneck an odd contrast to the evening wear of the other vampires. "I go to all the trouble of arranging for Jerry's ex-lover's escape from a mental hospital, ensuring that she would kill her former cockroach of a bedmate, and you, Lucard, have the temerity to consider reneging on our agreement?" LaCroix's nostrils flared, his eyebrows rose, and the eyes below the scary eyebrows began to glow. "I thought you were a man of honor."
"Don't question my integrity, LaCroix. Coming from you, that accusation in laughable," Dracula responded with a snarl. "Do you expect me to believe that the fortunate happenstance that allowed Tate's lover to escape - and thus incidentally clear me of suspicion - was all your doing? Please. How stupid do you think I am?"
"Much stupider than I previously imagined, obviously-- stop right there, von Helsing!" While LaCroix and Lucard were busy arguing, Klaus was trying to drag Natalie behind the potted palms, his hand over her mouth, telling her that she'd like being a vampire, really she would. Natalie bit his hand when LaCroix boomed out his command to stop, and Klaus let go of her long enough for her to get free and head back toward the dance floor.
"All of you. Just STAY AWAY FROM ME. I have had it! Go bother someone else!"
A crash of glass, and Nick Knight dropped down in front of Natalie, facing the trio of vampires who were threatening her. He was still quite punchy from his recent blood binge, and taking on three other vampires seemed like a good idea. "It's all right, Nat. I'm here, no one's going to hurt you--"
"Oh, that's very reassuring," Natalie snapped. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Some old Austrian guy locked me in a crypt-- YOU!" Nick had spotted Klaus, and the immediate jealousy/territorial/male stupidity hormone kicked into overdrive. "This is all your fault! You stay away from my Natalie!"
"Gee, Nick, I didn't know you cared." This snippy remark was completely overlooked in the ensuing scuffle between Nick and Klaus, which involved both of them rolling, kicking, biting, throwing, flying, punching and screaming abuse at each other. Natalie stood on the sidelines, amazed at how little she felt like a woman in a romance novel and how much she felt like a pre-school teacher on a playground.
During the fight, Vachon and Tracy landed on the balcony and took in the situation. Vachon was uneasy, to say the least; as vampires go, he is relatively low-key and non-aggressive, and the number of heavy hitters and known psychopaths in the room was making him nervous. "Trace, this was a very bad idea--"
"Mr. Lucard?" Tracy asked weakly, stumbling forward in shock. Air- sickness combined with surprise to reproduce a sensation closely akin to nausea. She glanced sideways, and spotted LaCroix glaring and glowing- eyed on the other side of the room, cheering Nick on, and waiting to get in his shot at Klaus. Her partner was recreating the WWF Championships in the middle of the ballroom with his exact double, Natalie was fuming angrily, and here was the billionaire she'd been fantasizing about in a tuxedo and opera cloak, obviously not a disinterested onlooker. Vetter gulped and tugged on the M.E.'s sleeve. "Hi. We're here to rescue you."
"Fabulous." Natalie looked back in the direction Tracy came from, and waved to Vachon. "I was just getting ready to leave."
"Nooo!" Klaus disentangled himself from Nick long enough to slide across the floor to the coroner, clutching her around the knees. "Don't go! I'm sorry! I'll never lie to you again, really! I swear!"
"Klaus, stop trying to look up her dress," Lucard said, yanking von Helsing away from the coroner.
"Will someone please kill the mortal? Is that so much to ask?" LaCroix said wearily, then added, "Or do I have to do it myself?"
"If you lay a finger on her--"
"I'll hunt you down, LaCroix--" Both Nick and Klaus were advancing on the Nightcrawler, who groaned in agonized surrender. Keeping his plans a secret from Nicholas was now impossible, and his frustration level had risen to the point where he honestly didn't care. Let Nick hate him. Anything, so long as he didn't have to stick around.
"Enough! I don't care what else you do, kill each other, kill Lucard, kill yourselves! I am leaving, and I want Natalie Lambert dead by sunrise! Lucard, I expect you to keep your word. Or I'll know the reason why!" So saying, LaCroix took off in a huff, unable to endure another moment of twin Nicholas' fighting over the despicable mortal.
"I thought he'd never leave. Natalie--" Klaus was back to pleading words and longing glances.
"Get away from her, you. Nat--" Nick stepped forward, his arms out to hold her.
"BOTH OF YOU. BE! QUIET! NOW!" An awestruck silence filled the ballroom at Dr. Lambert's enraged shout. It was broken by the orchestra starting up a jazzy "Someone To Watch Over Me."
"THAT GOES FOR YOU GUYS, TOO!" The band fell silent, influenced as much by fear of Natalie as by Klaus's lingering "whammy". "Thank you. You," Natalie pointed at Klaus, "are a lying, scummy, no-good, blood-sucking fraud. I never want to see you again. But I'll settle for your absence for the rest of the night."
"B-b-but--"
"Jump off this balcony. I mean it. Jump, Klaus, or you can forget about taking me to the midnight showing of that Boris Karloff festival. Forever."
"Nat!"
"Jump!"
"I'd do it, man," Vachon whispered to Klaus. "She's *peeved*. Send her flowers later."
"You think?"
"Definitely."
Klaus sighed, looked pitifully at Natalie, blew a raspberry at Nick, and said, "Next time, Dracula. And there will be a next time," and jumped off the edge of the CN Tower. Natalie crossed to the balustrade to make sure he wasn't hanging around, and nodded in satisfaction when she saw his form retreating into the horizon.
"Good. One down. Nick?"
"Yes, Nat?"
"You're an unromantic slob. I had more fun tonight with Klaus than I've had with you in the last year."
"You don't mean that--"
"Oh, don't I just?" The M.E.'s patience was clearly exhausted. "Tell me something. Why haven't you taken me out to dinner lately? Dancing? A lousy movie, for godssake? Hunh? Why?"
Nick struggled to understand why Natalie was so upset; but the beating he'd taken from Klaus wasn't helping him think any more clearly through his blood buzz, and his incredible angst emerged to hamper him once more. "You know how I feel about you--"
"Answer the question, smart guy."
"It isn't safe."
"Try again. Nothing's safe, I think this evening demonstrates that."
"I was going to wait until I was mortal to ask you out."
"Oh, and if that never happens?"
"Welll---"
"Ha! You know what, Nick? You can take a flying leap off that balcony, too. In fact," Natalie picked up a broken table leg leftover from Knight's fight with Klaus, lit it off the candles, and smiled grimly. "I think you'd better start running. Now."
"You're upset---"
"You bet your shield I am. If you're not out of my sight in the next five seconds, I'm going to show you the meaning of 'upset.' Not to mention give you a whole new appreciation of the phrase, 'flaming pain.' ONE."
"Natalie---"
"TWO." She started toward him, her eyes glowing maniacally, makeshift torch at the ready.
"Can't we talk about this?"
"THREE."
Nick ducked a feint at his head and grabbed for the torch, but in his weakened and inebriated state miscalculated and ignited his sleeve.
"FOUR," Natalie yelled.
"Yeeee-OWWW!" he grabbed for the ice water, doused himself, then desperately said, "Nat, please. I can't leave you here with HIM." Nick pointed unsteadily at Lucard, who was watching the proceedings with a highly entertained expression.
"I've got Vachon and Tracy to protect me. Not to mention my handy-dandy torch. And frankly, considering your track record? I don't think you'd be much help. FIVE!" She lunged at Nick, who tripped, stumbled, and smacked into the balustrade. Seeing Natalie bending over him with her stake/torch descending toward his chest, Nick's survival instincts sent him hurtling over the railing, down toward the street below. A small SMACK! could be heard from the balcony.
"Well. That takes care of him." The coroner sighed, then turned to Vachon and Tracy. "You guys can split now."
"Natalie! He'll kill you!" Tracy protested, at the same time that Vachon breathed a sigh of relief. "We can't leave you here!"
"Here, home, wherever-- Tracy, if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen." Natalie smiled wearily. "And no offense, Vachon, but am I wrong in guessing that Count Dracula here can take you three falls out of five?"
"Nope. Thanks, Doc. Trace, we're outta here." The homicide detective had no time to protest before she was airborne and screaming for her mother again.
Which leaves us with Natalie Lambert and Count Dracula. And, of course, the orchestra.
"You do understand that I have to kill you?"
"Do you?" A slight pause. "Are you really sure about that?"