she stood outside his door, waiting. she wasn't sure what exactly it was she was waiting for. maybe for her stomach to stop backflipping. or for her feet to just move. for her to be ready to talk about this. to find out exactly how impossible some semblance of normal was going to be for her.
i can't.
she wrenched herself away from the door, turned to softly walk back to her room. to leave it alone for now.
*rogue.*
the voice in her head stopped her cold. it always did. she should have been used to the feeling of other people in her head, but it never failed to leave her stunted and apprehensive.
*um. professor?*
*yes, child. was there something you needed to see me about?*
shit. shit.
*um..*
she almost laughed that it was seriously the only thing rolling around in her head.
*rogue. please come inside.*
for a fraction of a second she actually contemplated just not. leaving. just, ignoring his request, pretending he wasn't really the acting headmaster of the school she attended, that she didn't really owe him that much. but that blatant disrespect just wasn't in her. so she turned around for the second time and opened the door to his office.
"hello rogue."
he sat at his chocolate-amber oak desk, his kind eyes watching her closely, compassion, an acknowledged helplessness and a determination to solve it all rolling around in their dark blue.
"hi.. hey professor."
"please, sit down."
motioning to one of his leather chairs, he wheeled himself out from behind the desk, moving towards her, stopping just opposite. cornered, she sat, her hands limp and uncertain in her lap. she looked everywhere but his face.
he watched her studied avoidance. silent. lost in his own thoughts. regrets. guilt, even. finally, sighing softly he moved over to the wall. touching a panel, he rolled backwards slightly as another swung open.
"rogue, would you like something to drink?"
she looked up at the sound of his voice and the strange whoosh of a wall opening up. at the sight of the fridge, and the bottles lining it, her lips involuntarily twitched.
the prof's secret stash?
across the room, he chuckled. "it's hardly what you think," he murmured, choosing a bottle and two glasses and moving back towards her.
she watched him pour garnet liquid into the cups and pass her one. she accepted, waiting.
"go on."
she glanced at the glass and back up at him. waited a little longer. and raised the cup slowly to her mouth.
"it's.."
"strawberry cordial," she finished for him, her eyes wide.
his eyes crinkled, lovely, at her expression.
"you were expecting something more ... potent perhaps?"
she smiled.
"absolutely not."
"mmm.."
her own eyes grinned at his suspicions. at her own. she ducked her gaze into her glass again.
"it's delicious," she told him softly. "just like my momma used to make. in the summer. it'd get so hot. and we always had mountains of strawberries from the bushes in our gard..."
she trailed off. the memory lost in layers of cloud. of hurt. of remembering what came after.
the professor's own eyes mirrored the mist of hers. his was an extraordinary telepathy. marked by experience that lent to it an empathy just as strong. more often than not the man didn't have to *read*.. it was enough to feel.
"rogue.. your past is not for you to change. your future, however, you have complete control over.."
her eyes met his at that.
"it's not as simple as all that, though, is it charl.. professor."
xavier looked at her through suddenly clearer eyes. surprised. his mouth turned up at one corner. his gaze past-filled.
"he's still in there."
"yes," she whispered. "it's not usually.. i mean, he.."
"i understand, child," he told her, and he did. "i only wish that you didn't have to see what he saw.. the things that turned him into what he now is. that spawned his.. beliefs."
her eyes silently appreciated his.. getting it.
"he hates so much.. without distinction.. it scared me.." she opened, quietly. and with his gaze intent, he listened. "but even more overwhelming, frightening, was his love. it.. and his logic.. to feel yourself embraced by him, persuaded.. he's very persuasive."
charles nodded. a growing appreciation for this slight woman-girl before him, holding her own against such a mind.
"but you ultimately see things differently?"
she shrugged.
"i.. ultimately i think i'd just rather subscribe to your thought. it might very well come to that.. to what erik.. but to act on that.. projection essentially.. it's.. unjustifiable. i don't want to become what that would make me."
"you sound very much in control, rogue."
she smiled. small.
"i have my moments."
"of control.. so also, of the opposite? of mental chaos?"
she nodded. small.
"like last night?"
her eyes shot up. she had expected him to know. somehow figured he would. but still..
"you know."
"i do.. logan came to me today. we talked.."
then, "in all honesty, rogue, i knew before then.. panic tends to amplify.."
marie's eyes widened in sudden horror.
"oh i.. professor, i had no.. i'm sorry i.."
"rogue there's absolutely no apology necessary.. if anything, i should be.."
but she wasn't hearing him. her mind, instead had set out on another route. without thinking, she interrupted,
"does jean know?"
xavier stopped. "i.. haven't discussed anything with her.. but if your.. volume were any indication.. i would assume that she heard as well."
marie covered her face with her hands, groaning softly.
"what a fucking mess."
charles barely heard the pain-filled whisper.
"rogue, jean is hardly one to.."
"it's not jean professor. i know she wouldn't.. but what must she think of me?"
her eyes met his now, glittered.
"and logan.. he was so.. disbelieving.. so hurt. and you. what's wrong with me that i repay such goodness and acceptance as you have shown me with this?!"
her shoulders trembled. the shine in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks. her hands up quickly to brush it away. to not burden.
"rogue."
she found the ceiling, stared as she tried to return to herself.
"don't let this be about anyone but yourself. you can't live to meet the expectations of others. i can't speak for jean, who will in probability be very saddened by this. or for logan, who.. who feels this as only he can. but i expect nothing from you but honesty. you have no debt to pay off. no favours to return except that of truth. and the feelings of others mean nothing next to your own."
he waited for her to accept it. let it sink in.
"and if i don't know my own feelings, professor? if everything i am seems to be the combined feelings OF others?"
he watched. waited..
"you say my future is mine to control. only i can't control my own mind sometimes. and my skin never. i can't touch people, professor. and it's.. it's inhuman.."
she had to stop again. look up. trace the carvings in the ceiling. hope maybe the tears would run backwards. not drip onto her shirt. her pants.
"i don't.. feel like a person sometimes, i'm so.. detached. not even.. never.. part of the rest of it.."
he watched her shoulders tremble under the weight of what she carried.
"i've been very remiss rogue. i.. i promised you protection. whatever that entails. and a means of controlling your powers. i've neglected you. i'm sorry.. i.. i had no idea you were so conflicted, child."
she shrugged. hoping somehow to ease this tension.
"it's.. i'm not usually so emotional about it. it's something i can generally let go of.. not think about.. dwell on.."
"..except on the nights it gets too much."
she nodded, having to concede.
"rogue. i appreciate fully the fact that you don't entirely know your own mind as you say, but i.. why now? at least.. i'm not aware of your having.. done this before.."
"oh i haven't," she was quick to confirm.
but forced now to explain. to attempt an explanation.
"i.. i don't know.."
he looked at her. understood her more than she was willing to admit he did. wanted her, still, to tell him. to just say it. that it might give her some release.
he nodded.
"very well.."
and he let it go. but suddenly she found that she couldn't. that as much as she didn't want to tell him.. she did.
"i... um.. i think it might have something.. a little to do with.. logan."
xavier strained to hear the last word she uttered. the name that spilled hastily, quietly from her mouth. he waited. relieved. lifted. and she let the words flow, knew that he knew, that he wouldn't judge, or share. that this was safe.
".. i think when he was gone.. it was easier almost. because then it didn't matter if i could touch or not. it didn't matter that i would never be able to have a real relationship, because the only person that.. well, he was away.. so it didn't mean anything."
"except now he's back," the professor offered finally, at her silence.
"he is," she concurred softly. "and i'm reminded every minute of what my powers cost me... of what i'll never have."
she lifted the wetness off her lashes.
"but he does love me. in his way. and i'm grateful for it. it's just.. life is so extraordinarily complicated, professor.."
"yes, rogue. painfully so."
she smiled. small. on one side of her mouth. and decided, at his open understanding, his complete lack of judgement, of any ultimately useless attempts at contrived optimism, watching the red silk cordial in her cup, to give it all voice.
"professor."
"yes, rogue?"
"i think, too, i did it because i knew.. on some level, deep, deep down.. that he was here.. that.. that it wouldn't be final.. that he would save me.."
xavier looked at this, his student. a lost soul like so many of the others, with her almost inexplicable lifeline. but then, perhaps that was the nature of those thin threads. he gazed at her doe brown eyes with his own, older, less soft, but softened now at her honesty. her complete truth.
"i'm glad, rogue. that he was. that he did."
i can't.
she wrenched herself away from the door, turned to softly walk back to her room. to leave it alone for now.
*rogue.*
the voice in her head stopped her cold. it always did. she should have been used to the feeling of other people in her head, but it never failed to leave her stunted and apprehensive.
*um. professor?*
*yes, child. was there something you needed to see me about?*
shit. shit.
*um..*
she almost laughed that it was seriously the only thing rolling around in her head.
*rogue. please come inside.*
for a fraction of a second she actually contemplated just not. leaving. just, ignoring his request, pretending he wasn't really the acting headmaster of the school she attended, that she didn't really owe him that much. but that blatant disrespect just wasn't in her. so she turned around for the second time and opened the door to his office.
"hello rogue."
he sat at his chocolate-amber oak desk, his kind eyes watching her closely, compassion, an acknowledged helplessness and a determination to solve it all rolling around in their dark blue.
"hi.. hey professor."
"please, sit down."
motioning to one of his leather chairs, he wheeled himself out from behind the desk, moving towards her, stopping just opposite. cornered, she sat, her hands limp and uncertain in her lap. she looked everywhere but his face.
he watched her studied avoidance. silent. lost in his own thoughts. regrets. guilt, even. finally, sighing softly he moved over to the wall. touching a panel, he rolled backwards slightly as another swung open.
"rogue, would you like something to drink?"
she looked up at the sound of his voice and the strange whoosh of a wall opening up. at the sight of the fridge, and the bottles lining it, her lips involuntarily twitched.
the prof's secret stash?
across the room, he chuckled. "it's hardly what you think," he murmured, choosing a bottle and two glasses and moving back towards her.
she watched him pour garnet liquid into the cups and pass her one. she accepted, waiting.
"go on."
she glanced at the glass and back up at him. waited a little longer. and raised the cup slowly to her mouth.
"it's.."
"strawberry cordial," she finished for him, her eyes wide.
his eyes crinkled, lovely, at her expression.
"you were expecting something more ... potent perhaps?"
she smiled.
"absolutely not."
"mmm.."
her own eyes grinned at his suspicions. at her own. she ducked her gaze into her glass again.
"it's delicious," she told him softly. "just like my momma used to make. in the summer. it'd get so hot. and we always had mountains of strawberries from the bushes in our gard..."
she trailed off. the memory lost in layers of cloud. of hurt. of remembering what came after.
the professor's own eyes mirrored the mist of hers. his was an extraordinary telepathy. marked by experience that lent to it an empathy just as strong. more often than not the man didn't have to *read*.. it was enough to feel.
"rogue.. your past is not for you to change. your future, however, you have complete control over.."
her eyes met his at that.
"it's not as simple as all that, though, is it charl.. professor."
xavier looked at her through suddenly clearer eyes. surprised. his mouth turned up at one corner. his gaze past-filled.
"he's still in there."
"yes," she whispered. "it's not usually.. i mean, he.."
"i understand, child," he told her, and he did. "i only wish that you didn't have to see what he saw.. the things that turned him into what he now is. that spawned his.. beliefs."
her eyes silently appreciated his.. getting it.
"he hates so much.. without distinction.. it scared me.." she opened, quietly. and with his gaze intent, he listened. "but even more overwhelming, frightening, was his love. it.. and his logic.. to feel yourself embraced by him, persuaded.. he's very persuasive."
charles nodded. a growing appreciation for this slight woman-girl before him, holding her own against such a mind.
"but you ultimately see things differently?"
she shrugged.
"i.. ultimately i think i'd just rather subscribe to your thought. it might very well come to that.. to what erik.. but to act on that.. projection essentially.. it's.. unjustifiable. i don't want to become what that would make me."
"you sound very much in control, rogue."
she smiled. small.
"i have my moments."
"of control.. so also, of the opposite? of mental chaos?"
she nodded. small.
"like last night?"
her eyes shot up. she had expected him to know. somehow figured he would. but still..
"you know."
"i do.. logan came to me today. we talked.."
then, "in all honesty, rogue, i knew before then.. panic tends to amplify.."
marie's eyes widened in sudden horror.
"oh i.. professor, i had no.. i'm sorry i.."
"rogue there's absolutely no apology necessary.. if anything, i should be.."
but she wasn't hearing him. her mind, instead had set out on another route. without thinking, she interrupted,
"does jean know?"
xavier stopped. "i.. haven't discussed anything with her.. but if your.. volume were any indication.. i would assume that she heard as well."
marie covered her face with her hands, groaning softly.
"what a fucking mess."
charles barely heard the pain-filled whisper.
"rogue, jean is hardly one to.."
"it's not jean professor. i know she wouldn't.. but what must she think of me?"
her eyes met his now, glittered.
"and logan.. he was so.. disbelieving.. so hurt. and you. what's wrong with me that i repay such goodness and acceptance as you have shown me with this?!"
her shoulders trembled. the shine in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks. her hands up quickly to brush it away. to not burden.
"rogue."
she found the ceiling, stared as she tried to return to herself.
"don't let this be about anyone but yourself. you can't live to meet the expectations of others. i can't speak for jean, who will in probability be very saddened by this. or for logan, who.. who feels this as only he can. but i expect nothing from you but honesty. you have no debt to pay off. no favours to return except that of truth. and the feelings of others mean nothing next to your own."
he waited for her to accept it. let it sink in.
"and if i don't know my own feelings, professor? if everything i am seems to be the combined feelings OF others?"
he watched. waited..
"you say my future is mine to control. only i can't control my own mind sometimes. and my skin never. i can't touch people, professor. and it's.. it's inhuman.."
she had to stop again. look up. trace the carvings in the ceiling. hope maybe the tears would run backwards. not drip onto her shirt. her pants.
"i don't.. feel like a person sometimes, i'm so.. detached. not even.. never.. part of the rest of it.."
he watched her shoulders tremble under the weight of what she carried.
"i've been very remiss rogue. i.. i promised you protection. whatever that entails. and a means of controlling your powers. i've neglected you. i'm sorry.. i.. i had no idea you were so conflicted, child."
she shrugged. hoping somehow to ease this tension.
"it's.. i'm not usually so emotional about it. it's something i can generally let go of.. not think about.. dwell on.."
"..except on the nights it gets too much."
she nodded, having to concede.
"rogue. i appreciate fully the fact that you don't entirely know your own mind as you say, but i.. why now? at least.. i'm not aware of your having.. done this before.."
"oh i haven't," she was quick to confirm.
but forced now to explain. to attempt an explanation.
"i.. i don't know.."
he looked at her. understood her more than she was willing to admit he did. wanted her, still, to tell him. to just say it. that it might give her some release.
he nodded.
"very well.."
and he let it go. but suddenly she found that she couldn't. that as much as she didn't want to tell him.. she did.
"i... um.. i think it might have something.. a little to do with.. logan."
xavier strained to hear the last word she uttered. the name that spilled hastily, quietly from her mouth. he waited. relieved. lifted. and she let the words flow, knew that he knew, that he wouldn't judge, or share. that this was safe.
".. i think when he was gone.. it was easier almost. because then it didn't matter if i could touch or not. it didn't matter that i would never be able to have a real relationship, because the only person that.. well, he was away.. so it didn't mean anything."
"except now he's back," the professor offered finally, at her silence.
"he is," she concurred softly. "and i'm reminded every minute of what my powers cost me... of what i'll never have."
she lifted the wetness off her lashes.
"but he does love me. in his way. and i'm grateful for it. it's just.. life is so extraordinarily complicated, professor.."
"yes, rogue. painfully so."
she smiled. small. on one side of her mouth. and decided, at his open understanding, his complete lack of judgement, of any ultimately useless attempts at contrived optimism, watching the red silk cordial in her cup, to give it all voice.
"professor."
"yes, rogue?"
"i think, too, i did it because i knew.. on some level, deep, deep down.. that he was here.. that.. that it wouldn't be final.. that he would save me.."
xavier looked at this, his student. a lost soul like so many of the others, with her almost inexplicable lifeline. but then, perhaps that was the nature of those thin threads. he gazed at her doe brown eyes with his own, older, less soft, but softened now at her honesty. her complete truth.
"i'm glad, rogue. that he was. that he did."